Okay, deep breath, here goes.
Throughout the last few years, I've had the opportunity to examine myself thoroughly and deeply, from that pertaining to my mental health as well as my views on relationships, specifically in the realm of the romantic. In this time of intense self reflection, I have pondered the reality that my approach to romantic relationship, and even that of platonic, is not similar to the norms of society. This is something that I have long sought to diminish and have felt some shame.
In addition, to this propensity, I struggle with the addiction of relationship, an off-shoot of codependency (I have that as well), and have found myself seeking the thrill of the new relationship energy as well as losing myself in the desire of love in order to escape my own inner demons. Thus, this is not true love as it is my using another as a form of object and not fully seeing them as human and someone who has value and import. It is this I am continually working on as I travel the journey of healing my trauma issues and learn to love and reparent myself.
So, having a leaning towards polyamory as well as being a relationship addict seems a bit confusing and I found myself in such predicament. Then, one night I had a dream of which it was explained to me as such, relationship addiction is a dysfunction to be healed, whether one be monogamous or polyamorous can have this, whereas to be polyamorous is a life-style.
Poly-amory, as in love of many, does not mean or give me the license to sleep around or behave in a fashion that is disruptive or harmful to others. Rather, the very term itself implies otherwise, to love another. Yes, we all can fall prey to the sway of the charm of "New Relationship Energy" (NRE) and lose sight of what is important, but that is why one does the intense work of healing one's own pain and then focuses on leaving an ethically mindful life in regards to connections with self and others.
So, there it is. Upon looking throughout the patterns of all of my life, wherein I would find myself dating someone and falling head over heels in genuine love only to pretty quickly thereafter fall head over heels in genuine love with another shortly thereafter, thus congruently and without losing my love for either, be head over heels in genuine love with both. In years past, raised in a society that sees monogamy as the norm and also with the past influence of the conservative Christian teachings, this was source of much agony and shame.
The church itself used to preach 'saving oneself until marriage' and would oh so sweetly shame those who hadn't waited as "born again virgins". 'It is okay,' they would preach, 'God forgives, but you know every time you give your heart to someone, you give a piece of it away meant for your God intended spouse.'
And, I believed that and in addition sought to dutifully fulfill the American Dream, as in the norms of society, but in reality, I understood that the more I gave my heart, whether platonic or romantic, in fact, my heart and capacity of love grew larger.
Thus, I happily and openly admit that I am polyamorous. However, one quick thought, what I whole-heartedly believe is that love, as well as all of life, is full of nuance. Having a propensity towards 'loving many' does not mean that I will always seek out and desire multiple relationships of the romantic sense. In the very nuance of love, the journey of connection towards solely one or many will be made clear.
Currently, I am repairing the damage caused by my 2019 experience of being suddenly struck with the illness of "NRE" (see "New Relationship Energy) and thus doing my utmost to step back from pursuing a sexual relation in order to help the two men I currently love see that I value them as souls and not objects to appease my pain.
Finally, as a polyamorist woman, I have found increasingly that I do not desire to seek a wild life of sexual exploits and debauchery, but actually in fact, am feeling more grounded and secure within my skin, more comfortable within myself, that by being honest and open I find myself coming home to me, at last.
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