I have always fallen in fast.
True, my fundamental Christian friends would label it as "lust", saying that sex outside of wedlock is nothing equating love and that only making the walk down the aisle satisfies that response. And, in my past, I tried to comply to this, burying the feelings I had for past lovers and boyfriends.
Also true, I've not had as many former flames as those close to me. In my short life, I can count the number of partners on both my hands alone, and each of them I see now held my heart exclusively for a season and a piece of that love remains forever. This is something that regardless of how I have tried to suppress or release I cannot. I must admit to my feelings for, my undying love for, each of them, regardless of how the love ended.
Another truth, only one of those ten did I not consummate the sexual act, and he not being of the Christian Right persuasion. But, despite what the fundamental pastors tried to manipulate me to believe, giving myself to those nine completely did not diminish the love. Lust does not equate love indeed, but it does represent an aspect of it.
Within the last week, I've been in conversation via Facebook mostly with a former flame, rather the first of the ten. Something I thought nothing of when he first responded to my request, after all I wrote a long article on just why I friend my exes. I cared for them once, right?
But, what transpired as we re-connected, smoothed over old wounds, and, yes, flirted a bit too much was my heart started to burn once again towards him. The memories of our time together flooded back and I felt that pull once again towards him.
Stupid Girl, I chided myself. I'm in a relationship, happily so at last, with my best friend and one that I hope to spend the rest of my life with, in fact.
But, this aforementioned ex was the first. And as we say in the Whovian world, you never forget your first doctor, well, indeed you never forget your first time. (Okay, so I'd had "penetration" before but that was from a very awkward teen boy in my sophomore year of high school and other than that I'd fooled around but never completed the act which always, always left me wanting more.)
So, the feelings started up afresh, almost as if time had passed. In truth, in all these years apart, I'd come across men who bore some resemblance to him, feeling my heart surge within me every time. Now, I know why.
When you love someone, in whatever form or fashion, it never dies. Somewhat buried or hidden, a piece of that person and the affection you felt for them, the memories of their touch, their laughter, their presence in your life, remains for all time.
Because of these former flames, I believe whole-heartily in the idea of past lives. Certain souls meeting up throughout all time for whatever purpose, love or whatnot.
As the days pass on now, I carry that with me, that remembrance of love then and now. Whatever the future may hold, knowing, at last, our souls will always be connected despite barriers of time or space.
I have always fallen in fast, getting burned just as fast but overall living a life more richer and more satisfying for the loving I did.
Lia, Ann Here. I admire your calmness and acceptance about past relationships. I do not hold that kind of affection for the people I have known as significant others.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if I had my way, the word "lust" would be removed from most conversations. It sounds dirty, as in covered with dirt, smelly even. Sex is fun, fine, and should have different nomenclature describing a purely sexual encounter. I've had many that were great, and nothing more than that.