The Thriving Artist: Pondering Gabby **Content Warning: Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence**

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

Absolutely(Story Of A Girl)

Over the last several weeks, like the rest of America, I have been enthralled with the case of lost girl, Gabby Petito and her fiance', Brian Laundrie. I have restrained myself from commenting, from making assumptions about what happened and why, merely for my own safety and sanity, because I was afraid to look back, remember, and reveal to myself and others just what I experienced specifically in intimate partner violence, as a survivor of domestic abuse. In truth that has become a label that I carry with me as a token of understanding and solidarity with the wonderful friends I have connected with in my journey of healing, however, rarely do I take the time to truly remember the nightmare itself.

Looking at the above picture these last few weeks have left me feeling stymied, as I know truly and personally the overwhelming craziness of which Gabby is in in that specific moment. I have sought to block it out, to not think about it. In truth, I thought of posting another photo of her, one of a happier moment, in fact, throughout this entry, I shall scatter a couple throughout of happier moments of Gabby, but I needed to post the above as the entry photo because I, personally, needed to look, to remind, to recall, and in that, to continue my healing journey, see the vastness of strength of myself and others who are victims of DV, feel gratitude for their companionship and support, and, finally, help others.

I married him in 2011, he came back into my life in a whirlwind in 2010, I met him in 2003 at a small and infamous to my heart, cafe in my college town, wherein I spent a year with him and several other ragtag friends being young, carefree, exploring the far regions of our souls together. He, not knowing what the hard reality of my battle with mental illness I had been through the years we were apart, the heartbreak of losing my youthful hope and idealism shattered with the truth of my dysfunction, and he, never keeping his own demons very much a secret yet only revealing that which he could use for a tool of manipulation, came back into my life in full force of love-bombing. Although I had learned a lot in those early days of my recovery, I still had a journey to come in dealing with my issues related to traumatic abuse throughout my life, relationship addiction, and such still, at 30, romanticized love as the end-all be all, the American Dream of the Hollywood and Disney combined, to rescue me out of my darkness.

Our relationship lasted for just under a year before we decided to get married during which we spent much of it long distance, I was swept away by the idealistic love story, the one I believed him to be, us reuniting after several years of distance. The first few months of our marriage seemed to be awash in wedded bliss of the newly married. All things seemed to abruptly change, almost over night, in August of 2011, when after due to his paranoid delusions of undiagnosed and untreated possible schizophrenia, he had been convincing me that the world as we knew it was set to end on August 2 with a full government take-over. And I, having spent the last several years in a fundamentalist Christian church that heavily taught the end times theology, was easily deceived. But, when I woke up on August 2nd, ready to see what happened, with nothing occuring, I questioned him about this. He, being caught in his own lie, used the tactic of gas-lighting to say, "I said it might, it might, I didn't say it actually would". (A side note: he was completely convinced it was to happen.) Thus, my first step in not believing him, that reality of what really happened or did not happen, on August 2, 2011, was the moment when the magic ended and the darker side of his persona was finally revealed. (In a way, that day in August, a month I have had bad memories with, was my first step away from toxicity, a first alarm attempting to wake me up.)

It is important to note that domestic violence and abuse comes in a myriad of forms, not just singular to that of physical violence or even intimate partner. Furthermore, it is a cold reality that women are not always the victim and men the abuser, it is at times the other way around yet it appears differently and male victims have a much harder time proving their abuse. In addition, abusers can be from all forms of life, for my part, I have experienced abuse from church leaders, colleagues, friends, lovers, and more. Today, though, in pondering Gabby, I wish to reflect upon the horrors I experienced while marriage, though I must admit that my ex-husband was not the only abusive partner I have experienced in my past.

After that fateful August 2nd, the abusive control steadily ramped up. There were long days wherein he yelled at me for hours, accusing me of such atrocities like poisoning him, of being incapable, of being crazy. These days I would sit frozen while his anger showered over me, cowering against the wall, sobbing for him to 'please stop', evading the various objects he threw about. And, finally, as hours past, I was weakened to the place of complete passivity, he would hold my hand as we sat outside, him smoking, me feeling as if I was more at fault than I was for the days long rampage. Other times, I would watch him sit, days and nights on end, barely moving to shower or eat, at his computer, diligently working on some random project or scouring the internet over and over for proof of his conspiracy which only ramped up the flood of abuse he would rage against me and others. Moments of bliss were few and far between, and sadly at times, I reveled when he turned his rage against another, those times were rare but I was then his allie again, his support against the world, a reminder of what our love and promises we had shared in happier times, times of ignorant bliss. There were times too still and all too quiet, the energy in the house so thick with the waiting...times when in discussion he would calmly state, "when I yell at you," as if it was just normal, once again something I had caused. The happier times grew fewer and farther between. Unlike Gabby, I, thankfully,did not have much physical abuse, if you don't count the times he threw items at me that caused bruising, both physical and emotional, although it was quickly increasing towards that. I have a memory of him yelling at me in the kitchen, I turned around, and a hand fell hard on my back, I turned back to him and demanded to know what was that, he frightened claimed his hand just slipped...a time when his back to our room-mate, my reaching for him in tears over the loss of my grandfather, he pretending as if he lost his balance stumbling back but swiping his hand near me barely missing, yet somehow it looked as if I had pushed him...him pinning me down on the bed claiming that my comfort towards him was suffocating and thus he had to show me...then me, running to my neighbor's house, seemingly day or night, fleeing from him but seeing him stalking by out the window while I sobbed inside...him blaming me completely for his cat's death...I could go on...

The nights after I had kicked him out, my poor room-mate (not the same one mentioned previous) would often comfort me from nightmares where I would scream or cry out in my sleep, "it's okay," she would whisper, gently reaching over and touching my arm.

All this is very real demonstration of the manipulative tactics I have experienced from my ex-husband as well as the myriad of other abusers who have come into my life. I wonder if they study these or if its just a fact of their brain and thus psychologists have come up with these based on studies. Nevertheless, each of these I have experienced in my marriage and in the variety of other relationships.

Gas-lighting: This is a type of emotional abuse wherein an abuser lies or downplays the impact of an event or something they say. It could include phrases like “It’s not that bad” or “you’re over-reacting” or even, “I never said that”. All of this can create doubt in your mind, and the end goal is to ensure that you’re the “crazy” one for ever questioning his behaviour.

Isolation: Not only controlling where you goes and who you talks to, but controlling what you read, listen too, and watch on TV or online.
Over-Protection: Like refusing to let you go anywhere or do certain things because he’s “worried” for your safety.
Blaming Others: This is a classic abuse tactic. Perpetrators rarely take responsibility for their actions – often placing the blame on you for causing the way they acted.
Separation Abuse: This could include forms of stalking, especially after the relationship has ended. The perpetrator will continually send flowers, gifts, or other trinkets, which shows that he can always find her. This can be a particularly effective tactic, because from the outside, the gestures seem kind and caring.
Manipulation of Social Systems: Such as court systems or CAS. This is a way of wielding systemic power over you, and the consequences are dire (such as custody of children).
Emotional Manipulation: Being on a “roller-coaster” emotionally with him. One moment he’s loving, kind and caring; the next he’s angry and aggressive. Women often say they feel like their “walking on eggshells” in their own home, to keep from trying to set off the abuser. This could also include things like degradation and undercutting your achievements, making you feel bad about yourself.
Threats: Making threats to harm your family, friends, and pets (this is extremely common, and is a huge barrier for women trying to leave the relationship).
Financial Abuse: Making sure you have zero control, knowledge or access to finances. Also a large barrier for women leaving the relationship. Often women must choose to stay, and live in violence, or leave and live in poverty.
Cyber Abuse and Cyber Stalking: This is such a wide topic, and has many different ways of appearing. It can include things like abusers posting your personal information online (address, phone number, etc), spreading rumours or photos, creating fake email addresses so you can’t block him, etc. All of these tactics are designed to humiliate, as well as take away your sense of security and privacy. Cyber abuse can also include hacking, stealing passwords, reading emails, forcing her to be available to him at all times, telling her who she can and can’t interact with through social media. (https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/cyber-bullying ) It’s important to know that it’s impossible to keep yourself safe online. However, there are some things you can do to mitigate risk. If you are experiencing any of these types of abuse, please give us a call and we’ll support you in whatever way you need.

Taken from the website article: https://wrrcsa.org/education/how-to-hide-your-tracks-online/

Several of these, such as gas-lighting, isolation, blaming, and emotional manipulation, my ex-husband used to control me. Others have been used to some degree in other abusive relationships. Admittedly, I do see these used in Gabby's relationship with her abuser, most notably is that of isolation, continuously separating her from her loved ones whether it be to Florida or the van life. The saddest thing to note in this is that Gabby never got herself out, she never escaped. She will never know the true joy in life of healing from such horror, seeing the beauty of life in the simplicity of every day, of the connections made through the recovery journey through facebook and social media groups, connections with those walking the path out, and, for me, the dear sweet connection I have with my friend, my co-ex-wife (my partner's first wife), and his ex-girlfriend. There is such power in connecting with someone who knows almost completely what you experienced.

In the last few weeks I have been thinking upon my journey out of domestic abuse and that of those who have recovered with me and helped in my healing process. I have thought about my co-ex-wife and how she was of the same age range Gabby was when she got away from our mutual ex-husband. I think about the reasons she was able to do so was that she had this great source of love given to her by those around that developed in her an inner strength and resolve that helped her break free, and still does to this day. Not just her, but many, at whatever age that have broken free from the confines of abuse whatever it may be, it's the real love that may not be readily seen that provides the strength to be free. It's with such sadness that Gabby was never able to realize that and her death brings to mind the truth that myself, my co-ex-wife, my mutual ex-boyfriend friend, the many others who I have met through social media support groups, and so many could suffer the similar fate of Gabby Petito.

Upon writing this, I ask myself, why? why was I freed when she was not? Whatever you believe about life and what comes next, one source of some comfort comes in the notion that we choose a soul contract, a purpose for this life. I look at my relationship with my ex-husband beginning with our wild days at the cafe along side some other dear souls, including that of my other crush, the red-headed barista. At that time, I almost chose to go down the path of romance with the barista and often ponder how my life would have differed if I had. But I believe that my soul had a contract with my ex-husband, that his demons were refuge for me to hide from my own, and by being united with him for a time, I was able to discover that which I was afraid to look at and find the strength to heal and break free. It is only now that my light shines bright after years and years of recovery from trauma (with more to follow) that I am able to sit with the light of the red-head, to be able to explore those feelings I ran from for so long, in this little poly hinge triad situation we find ourselves within. What is the soul contract I have with him is something far more positive than the ex-husband and yet still to be known.

It was with that that perhaps Gabby had a soul contract alongside her fiance' to be a source of awakening, a chain breaker, an alarm clock finally ringing. It is my hope that her life and the bright light she shone forth will not be in vain, that she will raise awareness for the many other women, men, and children gone missing in that region and beyond, as well she will become the face of domestic violence awareness, perhaps helping someone trapped in a similar relationship see that what occured for Gabby is highly probable for them.