And The Oscar Goes To...ME! #domesticviolencesurvivor #freedom #thriver #february24th #liberation #independenceday

 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

I've been dabbling in painting lately, I'm not very good, but I enjoy the process, of creating, exploring and learning a new medium.  Likewise, I find myself hanging out with, associating with fine artists more then other creative types these days, in and out of art studios and art classrooms and devouring book after book about life models in history where the famous artists who immortalized them people the pages.  Furthermore, as I continue my recovery journey, the whole span of my life unto this point becomes so vitally vivid, each moment a swash of paint on the canvas of my healing heart, moments that I took for granted, love given that I was not aware of at the time.  A friend on the phone ending a voice message with "God Bless" awkwardly and the paintbrush swishes upwards, freak-outs leaving me running in college chased by my friends, another brush-stroke, an heartbreaking conversation with a friend where neither knew how to express their truth yet still loved, a brush stroke, getting let go from my professional teaching job because of my mental health, brush, brush, brush, each moment paints a vivid portrait of my journey to wholeness. 

Thus, February 24, 2013, the day I had had enough., another brush stroke on the canvas of my soul. Moments before, on the phone sobbing with a friend who questions why I'm not watching the Oscars...because I couldn't take it anymore, not her, not the academy awards, but my husband's rampant, psychotic, narcissistic manipulation and abuse.  But more than him, the long chain of others, friends, boyfriends, family, a pastor, a therapist, so many throughout the course of my life, whose aim seemed to be to restrain me from being me, them getting off on the wounding, to darken my light so that theirs may shine...

No more, on that day in 2013, snot dripping, tears flowing, screaming, "Go, you say you want to, so go!" Fighting not to crumble as I watched the man I believed to be my true love leave.  In the weeks to follow, feeling empty yet strong, I began to fill my days with daffodils of hope, laughter, love, which buoyed me up for the hard things to come.  Two beautiful room-mates came into my life once I bravely filed the papers to restrain HIM, an adorable new fur-baby (a strong feminine spirit in her own right), a loving, patient new partner, so many meaningful, creative friendships who would lift up, even when I fell awkwardly or ashamedly made mistakes that wounded.  Again and again, that love would make it self a reality, spanning backwards in time before that fateful day in 2013 on forward and it's that love that ultimately helped me heal, helped me again and again to value and speak up for myself, realize my deserving of love, to truly loving myself and being my own best friend.  

And, it was that day, February 24, 2013, the catalyst of such upheaval, that overturned my world-view, an earthquake that awakened a volcano of emotion, release flooding outwards, finally, peace to be me.  

We honor dates throughout our lives, not just national or world holidays, or even birthdays.   But, personal landmark dates that solidify our soul's identity.  From anniversaries of long-term relationships spanning before the time of Facebook, dates of deaths of loved ones, vows of recovery dates, and dates of personal independence such as mine today, painted on the canvases of our souls vitally important  to meditate, ponder, and celebrate where we were then to who we have become. 

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics)

And, I have come far, am a completely different person that made that oh so brave decision that day, who I am and all that I would do is yet unimagined, as such so much of who the path she had followed before that date, a girl accepting her fate of being told, held down, controlled, lost in the throes of surrender, hoping to find peace.  For her, then, I share the victory of today, February 24, 2024, the paintbrush in my own hand, basking in the warmth of early spring sunlight, a feeling of freedom on my skin, a deep well of feeling everything amidst the stability of peace, union within.  All of this, I send backwards to her, to all of me, whoever wondered if her 'ship would come in' as she dutifully submitted, that, yes, freedom would arrive at her doorstep with the power of one word, "Go" banishing the hatred of destroyers, giving her the freedom to create and paint herself wholly.  Alive and Real. 

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)