The Thriving Artist: You Can Leave CW: #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #dv #ipv

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

So, that's out of the way. Let's talk about abuse, how it looks, how it happens, and how the abused can leave. First, let's understand that all genders can be both abuser and abused. I have known many a male that has come out of an abusive relationship as female, I support and applaud each for taking the steps needed for their freedom and recovery. Second, the word used for 'abuser' is often simplified to "narcissist" or merely "narc". This word comes from the official diagnosis of "narcissistic personality disorder" and is often misunderstood. This word is thrown around even when a person does something that may seem to the outside as egoistical. Rather the clinical definition of "narcissistic personality disorder is as follows: "is a personality disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a delusional sense of status, diminished ability or unwillingness to empathize with others' feelings, and interpersonally exploitative behavior. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the sub-types of the broader category known as personality disorders. It is often comorbid with other mental disorders and associated with significant functional impairment and psychosocial disability." Using the word "narcissist" or "narc" can both oversimplify or vilify the abuser. That said, there are other reasons why a person can be an abuser ranging from such diagnoses as Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopath) to Psychopath to the aforementioned Narcissistic Personality Disorder down the line to an addiction problem and/or yet untreated mental and emotional disorders. For myself personally, I have had a myriad of types of abuser from former partners to friends to bosses with a mixture of reasoning or diagnoses as to why they abuse, such as mental disorders like schizophrenia, drug addiction, and, yes, NPD. Notably, I myself have been an abuser and know personally that it be a result of my mental health diagnoses of Bipolar and CPTSD. Finally, I want to make it clear that I am not a certified therapist or psychiatrist so cannot officially diagnosis, thus for my part and for the purposes of this article, I use the word "abuser" no matter the reasoning. In the end, the reasoning or diagnosis of abuser does not matter, only that the abused admit the crime afflicted upon them, realize their need to separate, and the actions done to be free.

Thus, we began. Again:

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

Maybe as you read this, you are still doubting whether you are in some form of relationship with abuser, you feel a sense of shame to admit, or may have no idea what you would do upon leaving or even how to do such. The years of targeted abuse dealt upon you most likely has broken down your self esteem to such that there is an inability to see clearly. For your benefit, let's lay out the tactics an abuser uses to control, manipulate, dominate.

The first stage of an abusive relationship begins with love bombing wherein the abuser finds their next victim and overwhelms them with praise, adulation, and love. The victim is made to feel special, as if they are the one that the abuser has been waiting for, the fairy tale romance. At this stage, although red flags may be present, it is difficult for the victim to see otherwise, no matter how an outsider may try. Once locked in, the abuser can begin their stages of control, thus becoming Jekyll & Hyde in their interactions. They can be both abuser and victim, blaming you for their anger and insults. Almost immediately, they can be once again the sweet and loving person you met, only to have that shift again. Gaslighting is the act of causing you to question and doubt your words, your actions, your perceptions, your very self. They will tell you something, then deny saying it, they will hide something and ask where you put it, they will tell you to do something, then ask why you did it, all examples but there are other ways as well. Their overall goal is to break down your will so you do not question, you do not retaliate, they have total control of which they celebrate. Often these tactics, among others, are used as precursors of any physical violence as well continued to use alongside.

(This article references 'sociopath' but I feel the tactics described can be used for any type of abuser: https://www.yourtango.com/2018309953/love-bombing-gaslighting-8-more-warning-signs-sociopath). (Another useful article for more information: https://beckysfund.org/ghosting-benching-gaslighting-lovebombing-tactics-emotional-abuse/).

While in the relationship, the abuse may follow certain stages, however, not always in this order and at times there may be overlap. The honeymoon or calm phase may suddenly shift to a building up of tension erupting into explosion followed by the feelings of remorse, then back to the honeymoon. Does this spark a feeling of familiarity to your own life?

In addition, as shown above, there are types of abuse, physical to financial and a myriad in between, that can be used solely or be combined, which is often the case. Remember, the goal of the abuser is to control and all means will be taken to do such. (For further information on types of abuse: http://www.choicesandavoice.org/blog/9-types-of-abusers-many-abusers-fit-into-more-than-one-category).

Perhaps now you see yourself and your abuser in the above paragraphs and are questioning how "you can leave". No doubt, your abuser has slung words of hate at you about what would happen should you attempt to leave. From my past abusers, I was told such phrases as "No one will ever love you like me" to simply "You can't leave". Do these sound familiar? Perhaps your abuser has declared that they will make your life a miserable hell if you attempt to depart, so afraid are they of losing control. They may have tried to question how exactly you would even live successfully without them. What it all comes back to, aren't you in enough hell with them? As an experienced abuse survivor, now thriver, I can tell you any hell you may experience without is by far better than any hell within. Thus, the reality is, no matter what they say, you can leave, you can survive, you can thrive.

It is important to note that they will do several abusive tactics once you have removed yourself, with the attempt to gain control again. At first, they may appear to discard you hoping their loss from your life will bring you back. If this is not successful, they will hoover, like a vacuum, returning to your life doing what they can to suck you back to their control. If neither of this works, I applaud you, but beware the "flying monkeys", those friends of theirs that will fly about you in aid of your abuser to confuse or undermine your beliefs about the abuse that occurred. If at all possible, you may have to completely disengage and apply "NO CONTACT" furthermore. In the event this not possible, due to children or during the divorce proceedings, do what you can legally and personally to protect yourself from your abuser's further targets.