And The Oscar Goes To...ME! #domesticviolencesurvivor #freedom #thriver #february24th #liberation #independenceday

 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

I've been dabbling in painting lately, I'm not very good, but I enjoy the process, of creating, exploring and learning a new medium.  Likewise, I find myself hanging out with, associating with fine artists more then other creative types these days, in and out of art studios and art classrooms and devouring book after book about life models in history where the famous artists who immortalized them people the pages.  Furthermore, as I continue my recovery journey, the whole span of my life unto this point becomes so vitally vivid, each moment a swash of paint on the canvas of my healing heart, moments that I took for granted, love given that I was not aware of at the time.  A friend on the phone ending a voice message with "God Bless" awkwardly and the paintbrush swishes upwards, freak-outs leaving me running in college chased by my friends, another brush-stroke, an heartbreaking conversation with a friend where neither knew how to express their truth yet still loved, a brush stroke, getting let go from my professional teaching job because of my mental health, brush, brush, brush, each moment paints a vivid portrait of my journey to wholeness. 

Thus, February 24, 2013, the day I had had enough., another brush stroke on the canvas of my soul. Moments before, on the phone sobbing with a friend who questions why I'm not watching the Oscars...because I couldn't take it anymore, not her, not the academy awards, but my husband's rampant, psychotic, narcissistic manipulation and abuse.  But more than him, the long chain of others, friends, boyfriends, family, a pastor, a therapist, so many throughout the course of my life, whose aim seemed to be to restrain me from being me, them getting off on the wounding, to darken my light so that theirs may shine...

No more, on that day in 2013, snot dripping, tears flowing, screaming, "Go, you say you want to, so go!" Fighting not to crumble as I watched the man I believed to be my true love leave.  In the weeks to follow, feeling empty yet strong, I began to fill my days with daffodils of hope, laughter, love, which buoyed me up for the hard things to come.  Two beautiful room-mates came into my life once I bravely filed the papers to restrain HIM, an adorable new fur-baby (a strong feminine spirit in her own right), a loving, patient new partner, so many meaningful, creative friendships who would lift up, even when I fell awkwardly or ashamedly made mistakes that wounded.  Again and again, that love would make it self a reality, spanning backwards in time before that fateful day in 2013 on forward and it's that love that ultimately helped me heal, helped me again and again to value and speak up for myself, realize my deserving of love, to truly loving myself and being my own best friend.  

And, it was that day, February 24, 2013, the catalyst of such upheaval, that overturned my world-view, an earthquake that awakened a volcano of emotion, release flooding outwards, finally, peace to be me.  

We honor dates throughout our lives, not just national or world holidays, or even birthdays.   But, personal landmark dates that solidify our soul's identity.  From anniversaries of long-term relationships spanning before the time of Facebook, dates of deaths of loved ones, vows of recovery dates, and dates of personal independence such as mine today, painted on the canvases of our souls vitally important  to meditate, ponder, and celebrate where we were then to who we have become. 

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics)

And, I have come far, am a completely different person that made that oh so brave decision that day, who I am and all that I would do is yet unimagined, as such so much of who the path she had followed before that date, a girl accepting her fate of being told, held down, controlled, lost in the throes of surrender, hoping to find peace.  For her, then, I share the victory of today, February 24, 2024, the paintbrush in my own hand, basking in the warmth of early spring sunlight, a feeling of freedom on my skin, a deep well of feeling everything amidst the stability of peace, union within.  All of this, I send backwards to her, to all of me, whoever wondered if her 'ship would come in' as she dutifully submitted, that, yes, freedom would arrive at her doorstep with the power of one word, "Go" banishing the hatred of destroyers, giving her the freedom to create and paint herself wholly.  Alive and Real. 

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

Barbie Got An Honorable Mention. #Barbie #BarbieMovie #Oscars #Oscarsnub #barbiegate

 

When I was a little girl in elementary school, every year we were required to do some kind of a science project to submit to the local science fair in the next town over.  On the day of the science fair, we would all pile into the yellow school bus and head down to find out how our project was judged, either getting a blue for first place, a red for second, white for third, or, like, purple for the "honorable mention".  As kids, we all knew the extrinsic value of each of the ribbons and that honorable mention was the "Hey, you did a thing, here's a ribbon."  Even so, it did sting a little to see our friends receive some kind of 'higher award' that we, even when they, as well as the adults in our lives, tried to assure us that the aforementioned purple ribbon was just as cool.  I kept all my ribbons from various childhood activities for years hanging on my corkboard above my desk in my childhood room.  I can still see them today, some of them were blue, some were red, and, yeah, there were a plethora of purple.

Receiving the purple has positive and negative effects.  The idea of praising a kid for trying is in itself a worthy concept of which there has had a positive influence.  But, then again, there has been a bit of a backlash to the concept of "everyone gets an award" no matter what, and that is what I feel is occurring with the whole "Barbie-Gate, Oscar Snub" ordeal happening now.  With the announcements of the upcoming academy award nominations, it was discovered that Margot Robbie, Barbie herself, was not nominated for best 'actress' nor Greta Gerwig for best director.  Yes, Barbie is up for best picture and Margot (I'm on a first name basis) as part of the collection of "best producers", and Ryan Gosling for best actor.  (Sorry about the gender distinction, btw.)  Those three latter facts are darn right amazing in their own right and well deserving if the works in their favor.  But, for those raised in the 'honorable mention' culture of it all it's caused an uproar and a feeling as if Margo and Greta ( I know her too) have been snubbed.

Now, let's just say this, it's pretty damn cool that Margot Robbie is nominated for 'best producer'.  A woman who starred as Barbie, shedding light on the discrepancies of male to female status quo, overcoming those restrictions in herself and for others, is up for best producer.  And, Ryan Gosling is well-deserving of best actor.  Furthermore, Greta Gerwig is a damn talented whose career is quickly on the upswing, so guess what, the odds are high in her favor that she will win her Oscar someday.  Finally, focusing on the "Barbie Oscar Snub", takes away from something more incredible and groundbreaking, that of Lilly Gladstone for best actress of "Killers Of The Flower Moon", if she does secure such, she will be the first Native American actress to do such.  (She already one a golden globe by the way.)

In life, there is winning and losing for us all.  As we travel the journey of our life, we are not able to choose when we win, when we lose, but rather how we view the situation, how we make lemonade out of lemons, reframe the hardship.  Presently, in my own life, I have two dear friends who have lost the building of their business unaware of next steps, a woman whose grown daughter has had a recurrence of cancer, another friend who is dealing with the difficult process of dissolving her marriage, each are feeling the enormity of pain that comes from such and should, all feelings are valid and need to be fully experienced before forward movement.  Thus, feeling the disappointment of any loss, including that of a treasured actress presumably not getting her due, is valid and vital to be felt.  However, there are no guarantees in life, if what we hoped does not occur the way we planned.  Failure only happens when we allow our disappointments and emotions to take over our actions, to wallow, to whine, to wail endlessly.

Turning our letdowns into lessons is the best pathway to overcoming, learning from the hardships is what makes us better, more well rounded human beings.  And, after all, wasn't that the true message of the Barbie movie?

Think I forgot how to be happy
Something I'm not, but something I can be
Something I wait for
Something I'm made for
Something I'm made for

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Official Music Video)

Goddess Arrives

Here she comes.  The Goddess Within has arrived, is arriving, in a much larger, more powerful way than I could have imagined.  As I continue throughout life, being present to the life-lessons given to me by the great beyond, the wizard in the sky or god, or some may say, the Universe, I find myself coming more fully into myself, into my own power. 

This spring I have been fortunate to be working on and cast in three different forms of artistic expression that centers around female empowerment, from the Vagina Monologues, to my original web-series with a female heavy cast, Nate & Laura & How They Met, to my next theatre production out this April, The Dixie Swim Club.  In all of these, I am surrounded by in abundance, powerful, fully charged women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and varieties that help to charge me to my fullest energetic self.

Needless to say, it has been an extremely inspiring season with all this healthy feminine energy being absorbed into me, filling me with the strength to make the right choices and to learn from, lean on, and listen to the ever-present guidance of the Universe.  

The most essential lesson is that I find myself becoming more and more aware of myself as a Goddess or even the Goddess, rather infused with the Deity of Goddess within all of us, or at least extremely aware of it.   At present, I cannot give the exact name of what particular Goddess fits this description other than to say its the wholeness of the Goddess in all her forms, filling, embracing, and empowering me. 

Lessons that are overflowing within my heart are the need to receive as much love as is given from me, to cease devaluing every part of myself and thus allow for complete healing of my younger and present selves (see previous blog entry, "Healing 15, 23"), to start to understand and redefine what my needs and wants are involving romantic relationships in this new phase of me as fully self accepted and self confident human being, and now increasingly I feel the need to explore the notion of sexual healing.  The latter two seem to relate and are still a shadowy picture yet to be defined, fully explored, understood, but I know that in the weeks and months to come, they will find resolution and more of myself will reach empowerment and understanding.

However, recently I have come back into close recurrent contact with an old flame (somewhat platonic, nothing beyond hand-holding has occurred) and it has brought up the old memories of who I was when we were together.  As I have expressed to him, I am truly not the same needy, emotionally clinging, empty heart waiting for a hero to fill, girl he once knew.  In her place, arrives an increasingly self aware, confident woman more like a queen than a princess. 

For that, I dedicate to him and to this time of my life, this song:

You Should See Me In A Crown