Home Is Of Ashland, Oregon #homeisoftheheart #homesicknomore

 

It's only recently that I have felt truly comfortable 'within my own skin' enhancing the empowering sense of finally being home without.  For the majority of my life, of which reasoning I now see to be trauma related, I have felt lost, swimming frantically searching for, a life boat, a stretch of land of peace and stability, endlessly seeking approval never fully granted.  The real meaning of the word 'homesick' a part of my inner being lifelong. 

During the time of which I speak

It was hard to turn the other cheek

To the blows of insecurity

However, the antidote to that, has been a long journey of discovery and recovery starting in late 2006 with the diagnosis of Bipolar.  For this catapulted me into the various formats of therapy, support groups, and psychological testing, that led me deeper within than I had ever imagined or wanted to travel.  Scary to begin with, but as I continued thus, the terrain became a little less treacherous, even in times of painful struggle, the overcoming seemed less insurmountable.  With each hurdle, each secret unraveled, each victory proclaimed, a calmness overtook me, I found at once a peace bubbling upwards over inside of  me.  I was coming home within again and again.

Oh, how I wish I were a trinity

So if I lost a part of me

I'd still have two of the same to live

But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal

As specks of dust, we're universal

Yet, with all this continued soul-searching and discovery, I still felt an inner restless, seeking outward with hopeful dreams that perhaps I shall attain, an almost FOMO for what I do not have, all the while the inner fantasy of what could have been an ever distant impossibility.  What these fantasies afforded me, specifically that of the childhood idealization of Night Court and Harry Anderson, was the dream of that which I always deserved, unconditional love, encouragement, and support for my entire self as I am.  That fantasy impossible to become real left a bit of my inner self still broken, still lonely. 

But despite this empty broken-heart within, the journey of recovery still continued, this restlessness always lead me to never to give in, give up.  Along the way, these travels inner and outer coincided with my residing in Ashland, Oregon.  Try as I might to kindle some attachment or connection to another place permanently, Ashland continued to have her hold upon me.  No matter the changes that transform this city for the positive or negative, it's the inner work within myself that is enhanced by living in such a beautiful, transcendence of a place.  Since my first arrival in Ashland at the tender age of 15, dragged here one spring break by my parents, when I instantly fell in love, I knew, then, transferring into Southern Oregon University at the age of 21 because I knew, despite all the hardship therein and that to come, the different phases of my life, from Miss, to Mrs, to Ms, student, teacher, wife, actor, model, entrepreneur, the one constant of this journey has been the loving embrace of this beautiful city, Mother Ashland.  

As I walk her streets now, I am filled with the memory of others history alongside, as well as my own, the different parts of me healed by my strength upon strength, I embrace each and all, vividly with each moment, alive with the fullness of real love of self, finally and continually home within.  Truly, truly, Home is of the heart, Home is of Ashland, Oregon.

Though it's stormy now I feel safe within the arms

Of love's discovery

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Poly Girl Living In A Mono World

 

Okay, deep breath, here goes.

Throughout the last few years, I've had the opportunity to examine myself thoroughly and deeply, from that pertaining to my mental health as well as my views on relationships, specifically in the realm of the romantic.  In this time of intense self reflection, I have pondered the reality that my approach to romantic relationship, and even that of platonic, is not similar to the norms of society.  This is something that I have long sought to diminish and have felt some shame.  

In addition, to this propensity, I struggle with the addiction of relationship, an off-shoot of codependency (I have that as well), and have found myself seeking the thrill of the new relationship energy as well as losing myself in the desire of love in order to escape my own inner demons.  Thus, this is not true love as it is my using another as a form of object and not fully seeing them as human and someone who has value and import.  It is this I am continually working on as I travel the journey of healing my trauma issues and learn to love and reparent myself.

So, having a leaning towards polyamory as well as being a relationship addict seems a bit confusing and I found myself in such predicament.  Then, one night I had a dream of which it was explained to me as such, relationship addiction is a dysfunction to be healed, whether one be monogamous or polyamorous can have this, whereas to be polyamorous is a life-style.

Poly-amory, as in love of many, does not mean or give me the license to sleep around or behave in a fashion that is disruptive or harmful to others.  Rather, the very term itself implies otherwise, to love another.  Yes, we all can fall prey to the sway of the charm of "New Relationship Energy" (NRE) and lose sight of what is important, but that is why one does the intense work of healing one's own pain and then focuses on leaving an ethically mindful life in regards to connections with self and others. 

So, there it is.  Upon looking throughout the patterns of all of my life, wherein I would find myself dating someone and falling head over heels in genuine love only to pretty quickly thereafter fall head over heels in genuine love with another shortly thereafter, thus congruently and without losing my love for either, be head over heels in genuine love with both.  In years past, raised in a society that sees monogamy as the norm and also with the past influence of the conservative Christian teachings, this was source of much agony and shame.  

The church itself used to preach 'saving oneself until marriage' and would oh so sweetly shame those who hadn't waited as "born again virgins".  'It is okay,' they would preach, 'God forgives, but you know every time you give your heart to someone, you give a piece of it away meant for your God intended spouse.'

And, I believed that and in addition sought to dutifully fulfill the American Dream, as in the norms of society, but in reality, I understood that the more I gave my heart, whether platonic or romantic, in fact, my heart and capacity of love grew larger.

Thus, I happily and openly admit that I am polyamorous.  However, one quick thought, what I whole-heartedly believe is that love, as well as all of life, is full of nuance.  Having a propensity towards 'loving many' does not mean that I will always seek out and desire multiple relationships of the romantic sense.  In the very nuance of love, the journey of connection towards solely one or many will be made clear.

Currently, I am repairing the damage caused by my 2019 experience of being suddenly struck with the illness of "NRE" (see "New Relationship Energy) and thus doing my utmost to step back from pursuing a sexual relation in order to help the two men I currently love see that I value them as souls and not objects to appease my pain.  

Finally, as a polyamorist woman, I have found increasingly that I do not desire to seek a wild life of sexual exploits and debauchery, but actually in fact, am feeling more grounded and secure within my skin, more comfortable within myself, that by being honest and open I find myself coming home to me, at last. 

Coming Home