"You are making your own Night Court."
This was a message I heard loud and clear while filming scenes for season one of Nate & Laura & How They Met, my production company's original webseries. A childhood idol, fatherly role model, Harry Anderson, had recently passed, a few days previous. I was raw from the loss and feeling the empty hole within my heart.
I felt a closeness with him as never before. He had always held a vivid connection in my heart. He was such a magical force, full of energy and love, onscreen. I was drawn to him, captivated by the warmth of his loving blue eyes, that seemed to penetrate through the TV screen right into my heart, giving me a sense of peace and hope. As a small, lonely child, I felt as if someone cared for me, as if I had a family, far, far away, living a life I could only dream of and hope to attain.
Through the reality of life, I seemingly forgot about his magic pull, pushed it towards the back of my mind, distracted by the highs and lows of growing up. But the need for a strong fatherly love and acceptance, as well as the desire to perform, burnt ever inside me and became a driving force throughout my life in what I would allow to captivate me. Its one of the main reasons I fell hook, line, and sinker for the wiles of the fundamentalist lifestyle.
In 2012, through my own life's journey, I re-entered the theatre world, consequently openly pursued the life of an actor, suddenly realizing my true calling in life. Nothing would stop me, I had found my home.
Throughout the years, I would return to Night Court, watching re-runs on DVD with friends. My heart would fall back to those early years of childhood adoration, respect, admiration for Harry and the cast and I developed a new appreciation for the show as an adult, the acting and writing specifically. (It was an amazing show that was under appreciated in its time and I say that not as a fan, but as someone who knows their shit when it comes to writing, there I said it. Now go watch it!)
So, on that day on set, when I heard that message, my heart was still raw from the loss and the reality that I had never told him what he meant for me while he was on this plain of existence...but things were starting to change in my heart. The reality of it was that I was feeling a closeness with him like never before. I was beginning to see the connections throughout our lives even if we had never known each other. We had walked similar paths and yet had never known it. Our souls were linked on a higher level, even if we had never met face to face in this time period.
Since his passing this year, I have walked through the stages of grief and letting go, learning to appreciate and understand just what he meant for me. When I heard that line, "You are making your own Night Court", I barely understand what it meant but found it reassuring anyway. I felt as if it was his voice, coming through to my soul, a strong fatherly presence that would be with me directly moving forward. No longer would I have to feel the lack and the distance between this person, he was and always would be with me, watching over me.
As the year went on and I worked through my heart-ache, I would find more quotes and hear more messages from him that would strengthen and help me to persevere. As the months moved on, I found my focus shifting. No longer did I have this incessant need to keep myself updated on all the latest episodes of whatever TV show was popular and as a self-proclaimed whovian, I still haven't finished the 12th's doctor reign and yet already one season of the 13th doctor has completed. I found this odd at first and wondered why this was now increasingly my reality.
Then, I suddenly got it. I am now 'making my own Night Court". I have moved this year, especially in recent months, more and more to work for myself as far as "survival jobs" so as to have more time to focus on the production company needs and my own creative pursuits, acting and writing mainly. I solidified my vision in who I am as an artist and what I want to achieve, also what success truly means to be. All this brought on the realization that those who have made it, found success as actors, writers, artists in any sense, have sacrificed much time and energy in these pursuits, have had drive and focus put into working hard to make their dreams a reality.
So, in a sense, my focus in 'making my own Night Court' is making my dreams a reality, letting nothing distract from that ambition and letting the small daily goals be the impetus to reach the final outcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment