Thank You For Body Shaming

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.--Lao Tzu

First off, I want to make it very clear that it overjoys me that the new normal is to embrace ourselves fully, love ourselves as we are, no matter the shape, size, or any other mark of physicality.  As a person who struggled the majority of her life with body dysmorphia (and still does to some extent) and anorexia nervosa (and still does to some extent), I find this to be refreshing.  Just the whole nature of the growing acceptance of mental illness as a viable ailment alongside the sicknesses of the physical is welcoming and heart-warming to someone like myself who has fought the good fight for many a year to erase stigma.  Regardless of the fact that many still eye those with major mental health conditions as myself with suspect and judgment, regardless of the fact that many use the idea of mental health as a 'get out of jail free card' from relationship and other commitments, I still see this progress as upward advancement in this cause.  By saying the above, I do not want to negate those with mental health struggles who experience breakdowns without receiving treatment due to the rigorous life-style our country's social norms of living enforces on them.  I believe we still have a long way to go in order to guarantee mental health support and coverage for all, without fear of stigma or judgment.

That said, today's article will focus on the truth that mental health begins within.  I am proud of myself and my friends who openly love themselves outwardly for how they look and am disgusted with the body shaming that has occured for far too long.  I, for one, being a person of slender stature have experienced this, albeit differently, just like my friends and colleagues that are of larger stature.  For the most part, I have experienced the backlash of hatred, jealousy, or judgment stemming from others viewpoint about they way I look, dress, and, behave inappropriately in their eyes.  I have both been scene as a slut just because of the barbie doll body I was gifted with by genetics, been an object of sexual lust regardless of whether I accept it or not which has caused my other attributes of intelligence and humor to be devalued, and been seen as a threat by other women as a potential 'boyfriend stealer'.  I cannot and will not begin to evaluate why these have made this judgment calls against me, their journeys are theirs to discover and only they know the reasoning of why they believe what they do and know what they need to do to become healthy, so I rest on their capable shoulders to do just that.  But I do know the result of such negativity forced on me personally.

The result of being shamed for my physicality led to immense insecurity and lack of love, a feeling of unworthiness within.  With that and the society's enforcement on being thin based on the myth of Hollywood perfection, I fell more and more into my struggles with body dysmorphia and anorexia stemming from my overall belief of body hatred.  When looked at as a sexual object or threat, I saw the weight loss as a means to become desexualized and look increasingly more child-like.  In addition, the feeling of hunger left me with an emptiness inside that I felt that I deserved.  I still rarely welcome the feeling of fullness because I have for so long seen it as a punishment, an indictment, leading me to feeling guilt-ridden.  At one point I reached 98 lbs and expressed pride in my accomplishment of loss.  Furthermore, the weight loss and external abuse of my body, wreaking havoc within, was the only weapon I had against those who sought to emotionally abuse and repress me.  

Thus, finding out that I had both Bipolar Disorder Type 1 and Celiac Disease was my saving grace.  Why? Because it forced me to slow down, to enter the journey of psychotherapy of a variety of kind, to look inward at why I made the choice to abuse the outward.

Along the way, I did discover my fears of weight gain and that my sense of worth was wrapped up in my outward appearance.  As I look at the equation above, I would now say that healthy mind should come before healthy body, for what it's worth, because it's in cleansing the inner that true health becomes a reality.  Believe me, I know the fears that come from beginning the journey within and can say that it's a life-long quest, one that will unfold as the layers of an onion as more and more is discovered, healed, and released.  Beginning in the year 2006 until today, I can say that this journey of mine has not always been a bed of roses and it is not something that I can say I have arrived at with fullness, or mastered.  I do not and will not ever receive my Phd in self-discovery and wellness, but the joy and peace found in the process is what makes it worthwhile.  

To relate this all to the idea of body pride, I do rejoice in the acceptance of the outward.  However, and this may cause an upset, I feel that the outward pride-filled explanation of one's appearance and physicality may be, in fact, an excuse to not seek true healing.  As I have mentioned before, anything may become a drug, a drug being that which distracts from one's pain.  For my part, I used my ability to starve my body as a means to escape, a drug as it were, meaning to control the pain within. 

Without wanting to trigger anxiety in my beloved readers and friends, I wish to encourage true healing which means going into the dreaded darkness of your inner pain, letting yourself dive deep into the places you seek to escape, and remaining still as you work through the process of being relieved.  I am a firm advocate for seeking help for mental struggles from a qualified psychiatrist and therapist, but I also believe in the vast majority of support groups available as well as the plethora of self-help books found at any bookstore, library, or online.  

Do not delay, my beloveds, from seeking true healing.  For despite the fears you may feel at the prospect, the joy found in the abundance of true wholeness and wellness far outweighs the momentary happiness found in the false escape of outward proclamation.  

Look within first, then the outward healing will come.  And remember, as the quote at the top of this entry states:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.--Lao Tzu

Heal--Tom Odell

Take my mind

And take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, hell, heal

And tell me somethings last

I would love to hear your wellness journeys and thoughts.  Please comment below and I will respond. 

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company.  To support us, go to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

My thoughts Included

As I come to the conclusion of the series of interviews and articles based on the stories of my now sisters, I think it pertinent that I share my own story and understanding of why I choose fine art modeling and photography as a main source of revenue as well as to reflect upon the influences of what I have gleaned from the previous week's entries by the art models, dancers, and such that willingly allowed me to share their stories.

For starters, I began my life as an art model roughly in about 2012, but it was a rocky start.  I wasn't sure why I really wanted to try art modeling, other than that I needed a means of making some money.  Additionally, I had a friend in college that had done art modeling and I had always been inwardly envious that she could do such a thing.  Also, I had a husband that as well as being verbally and emotionally abusive, he manipulated me in ways that made my choices about him, whether positive or negative.  So, my choice of becoming an art model somehow reflected on his influence on me to express myself as a woman...in short, it led back to him, although while his tirades enveloped me in an increasing lack of my own self worth.  He looked good on the outside, I felt devalued on the inside.  Not a good relationship foundation, am I right?

Yes, it was a rocky start.  My first ever time way back in modeling, I felt so nervous and exposed, found sitting still for a prolonged amount of time painful and harder than I had imagined, kept having those reflective itches that I had to scratch so thus kept moving making it difficult for the artists' to focus...I wasn't asked back for the second modeling opportunity that year.  I was devastated but I told myself, despite my debilitating self worth, that I wouldn't give up.  I had found my calling and purpose in life as an actor and art modeling was an extension of that.  But it was a seemingly uphill battle during those early days with the effects of an abusive husband constantly in my life, dragging me downward both physically and emotionally.

Once I had kicked the jerk out and yet despite the heartbreak felt a renewal and strength emerging plus a clarity of thought, I decided to try again at art modeling.  Awhile back, after a clothed modeling gig of which I had walked away with 30 dollars after only sitting for an hour an a half, I said to myself, "If I could do this on a regular basis, it would be the best lucrative job ever."  (Well, one of the best I believe now!)  I have found in my life since the great awakening of my soul, reflected in kicking the ex out and so much more, that thoughts inspire action.  The very ability to get in touch with my inner desires through a spoken thought leads to the intention to pursue that and eventually make that a reality.  As the tagline of this blog reads, "What You Visualize Becomes Your Reality".

So, I was fortunate to get an ongoing gig starting in 2014 working for the local community college 3 to 4 hours a day, twice a week.  It became a substantial part of my income and a regular source of revenue that afforded me that sigh of relief to know that it was reliable.  Beyond that, I found a deeper love for and appreciation for the work, that I would never have dreamt possible.  To start with, although I model for local studios, I work primarily for the colleges.  It feels very empowering to be of service to the students' learning process.  Even more so, being nude in front of strangers has become less and less fearful but more and more comfortable.  In addition, to the years of healing and self growth awareness I have undertaken, modeling helped me develop an appreciation for myself, to learn to love myself, and, in short, to truly feel comfortable in my own skin as well.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that modeling has been a huge factor in my healing and ability to grow and love myself.

I have recently now started doing art model photography, an area that I was very leery of, however, in these early stages, I am learning that mostly photographers are not, NOT, the creepy guy just wanting to take photos of naked girls to masturbate to as well as to possibly take advantage of, but rather are the same as the artists' that I model for in the figure drawing classes.  They are, in fact, artists' with a unique vision that can be expressed through photography.  That helps me take the bold steps into this new artistic venture.

In addition, modeling has enhanced my ability as an actor and artist.  As Rosalind Russell once said,

I have come to truly believe that in my art abilities as a whole.  Being able to be fully exposed physically helps me to fully expose myself in other ways, allowing myself a full transparency, openness, and willingness in all my interactions, both onstage, on film, or throughout life, for the business of life requires an artist's mind to truly exist.  As my one of my interview guests, Burlesque Dancer, Darby McCue joked, "Art modeling is the least sexual of all of these jobs yet shows the most nudity."  And, that is an actual fact.  I have never once felt sexually objectified or taken advantage of from an artist whether figure or photography as an art model.  Furthermore, in the art classes at the colleges, I feel very safe and supported by the teachers', who after years of working with them, I can truly call more than colleagues, but friends.

Despite my own personal growth and healing coming forth from art modeling, I have experienced some backlash, mostly stemming from a misunderstanding about what it is I, in fact, do.  Most people believe art modeling to be an aspect of sex work and thus see my work as such.  Ultimately, these individuals are not truly comfortable and at peace with their own bodies and sexuality.  For this, I can relate as I was once where they are.  In my past, in addition to being dealt the diagnosis of bipolar, I struggled with a variety of body issues, such as body dysmorphia and anorexia nervosa, stemming from an overall inability to see myself as worthy of love and thus to truly love myself.  So, this misunderstanding or judgment on their part does not deter me from being proud of my career choice, working in a variety of ways as an art model, but truly inspires me to continue, not just merely for myself, but to impact change in a society that views nudity as shameful and wrong.

Now, as I conclude this subject, I take a pause to reflect on the deeper appreciation and understanding I have gained from those individuals that have shared their stories with me.  Some of them, the art models, I understood, others were mystifying to me and I admit, I had some sense of discomfort and misunderstanding of their profession.  Because of their willingness to share and openness to be honest, I no longer hold those beliefs.  Even more than a deeper love for each of those that shared, I have a new desire to understand and even to try my hand at some of these professions.  (Can you see me as a burlesque dancer?)

So, to finalize, I want to thank each of those that shared their stories and offer my heartfelt gratitude for the time they took to do so, as well as to feel honored that I have a new sense of appreciation for them and a deeper friendship with each of them.

For them and for the readers of these articles, I express the hope that our society will advance by becoming more willing to embrace body positivity as a life-style, and not feel shame for who you are and how you look.  With them, I share the belief that society can and will change to become more embracing of nudity as art, and even more so, help to enhance the freedom and healing that so many need.

That said, I dedicate this song to those that shared their stories, my dear friends, and to you, the reader:

Try by Colbie Caillat

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing