My thoughts Included

As I come to the conclusion of the series of interviews and articles based on the stories of my now sisters, I think it pertinent that I share my own story and understanding of why I choose fine art modeling and photography as a main source of revenue as well as to reflect upon the influences of what I have gleaned from the previous week's entries by the art models, dancers, and such that willingly allowed me to share their stories.

For starters, I began my life as an art model roughly in about 2012, but it was a rocky start.  I wasn't sure why I really wanted to try art modeling, other than that I needed a means of making some money.  Additionally, I had a friend in college that had done art modeling and I had always been inwardly envious that she could do such a thing.  Also, I had a husband that as well as being verbally and emotionally abusive, he manipulated me in ways that made my choices about him, whether positive or negative.  So, my choice of becoming an art model somehow reflected on his influence on me to express myself as a woman...in short, it led back to him, although while his tirades enveloped me in an increasing lack of my own self worth.  He looked good on the outside, I felt devalued on the inside.  Not a good relationship foundation, am I right?

Yes, it was a rocky start.  My first ever time way back in modeling, I felt so nervous and exposed, found sitting still for a prolonged amount of time painful and harder than I had imagined, kept having those reflective itches that I had to scratch so thus kept moving making it difficult for the artists' to focus...I wasn't asked back for the second modeling opportunity that year.  I was devastated but I told myself, despite my debilitating self worth, that I wouldn't give up.  I had found my calling and purpose in life as an actor and art modeling was an extension of that.  But it was a seemingly uphill battle during those early days with the effects of an abusive husband constantly in my life, dragging me downward both physically and emotionally.

Once I had kicked the jerk out and yet despite the heartbreak felt a renewal and strength emerging plus a clarity of thought, I decided to try again at art modeling.  Awhile back, after a clothed modeling gig of which I had walked away with 30 dollars after only sitting for an hour an a half, I said to myself, "If I could do this on a regular basis, it would be the best lucrative job ever."  (Well, one of the best I believe now!)  I have found in my life since the great awakening of my soul, reflected in kicking the ex out and so much more, that thoughts inspire action.  The very ability to get in touch with my inner desires through a spoken thought leads to the intention to pursue that and eventually make that a reality.  As the tagline of this blog reads, "What You Visualize Becomes Your Reality".

So, I was fortunate to get an ongoing gig starting in 2014 working for the local community college 3 to 4 hours a day, twice a week.  It became a substantial part of my income and a regular source of revenue that afforded me that sigh of relief to know that it was reliable.  Beyond that, I found a deeper love for and appreciation for the work, that I would never have dreamt possible.  To start with, although I model for local studios, I work primarily for the colleges.  It feels very empowering to be of service to the students' learning process.  Even more so, being nude in front of strangers has become less and less fearful but more and more comfortable.  In addition, to the years of healing and self growth awareness I have undertaken, modeling helped me develop an appreciation for myself, to learn to love myself, and, in short, to truly feel comfortable in my own skin as well.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that modeling has been a huge factor in my healing and ability to grow and love myself.

I have recently now started doing art model photography, an area that I was very leery of, however, in these early stages, I am learning that mostly photographers are not, NOT, the creepy guy just wanting to take photos of naked girls to masturbate to as well as to possibly take advantage of, but rather are the same as the artists' that I model for in the figure drawing classes.  They are, in fact, artists' with a unique vision that can be expressed through photography.  That helps me take the bold steps into this new artistic venture.

In addition, modeling has enhanced my ability as an actor and artist.  As Rosalind Russell once said,

I have come to truly believe that in my art abilities as a whole.  Being able to be fully exposed physically helps me to fully expose myself in other ways, allowing myself a full transparency, openness, and willingness in all my interactions, both onstage, on film, or throughout life, for the business of life requires an artist's mind to truly exist.  As my one of my interview guests, Burlesque Dancer, Darby McCue joked, "Art modeling is the least sexual of all of these jobs yet shows the most nudity."  And, that is an actual fact.  I have never once felt sexually objectified or taken advantage of from an artist whether figure or photography as an art model.  Furthermore, in the art classes at the colleges, I feel very safe and supported by the teachers', who after years of working with them, I can truly call more than colleagues, but friends.

Despite my own personal growth and healing coming forth from art modeling, I have experienced some backlash, mostly stemming from a misunderstanding about what it is I, in fact, do.  Most people believe art modeling to be an aspect of sex work and thus see my work as such.  Ultimately, these individuals are not truly comfortable and at peace with their own bodies and sexuality.  For this, I can relate as I was once where they are.  In my past, in addition to being dealt the diagnosis of bipolar, I struggled with a variety of body issues, such as body dysmorphia and anorexia nervosa, stemming from an overall inability to see myself as worthy of love and thus to truly love myself.  So, this misunderstanding or judgment on their part does not deter me from being proud of my career choice, working in a variety of ways as an art model, but truly inspires me to continue, not just merely for myself, but to impact change in a society that views nudity as shameful and wrong.

Now, as I conclude this subject, I take a pause to reflect on the deeper appreciation and understanding I have gained from those individuals that have shared their stories with me.  Some of them, the art models, I understood, others were mystifying to me and I admit, I had some sense of discomfort and misunderstanding of their profession.  Because of their willingness to share and openness to be honest, I no longer hold those beliefs.  Even more than a deeper love for each of those that shared, I have a new desire to understand and even to try my hand at some of these professions.  (Can you see me as a burlesque dancer?)

So, to finalize, I want to thank each of those that shared their stories and offer my heartfelt gratitude for the time they took to do so, as well as to feel honored that I have a new sense of appreciation for them and a deeper friendship with each of them.

For them and for the readers of these articles, I express the hope that our society will advance by becoming more willing to embrace body positivity as a life-style, and not feel shame for who you are and how you look.  With them, I share the belief that society can and will change to become more embracing of nudity as art, and even more so, help to enhance the freedom and healing that so many need.

That said, I dedicate this song to those that shared their stories, my dear friends, and to you, the reader:

Try by Colbie Caillat

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

Burlesque: A Community Of Women

I had the very distinct privilege of sitting down with actress, artist, and all-around warrior women herself, Darby McCue this week.  Together, we looked into her world of burlesque,  how she arrived at her love for it, and what insights she has gained on herself and women kind from this association.

For starters, Darby started out her dancing career as a professional belly dancer.  However, within what is thought to be a very spiritually enlightened community, she faced criticism for being too sexual, suggestive, and even vulgar in her dancing style. It was around this time that a good belly dancing friend of hers approached her, and with trepidation and fear of reprisal, Darby took her advice.  The friend suggested thoughtfully that Darby look into Burlesque dancing and that might be a more suitable fit for Darby's style.  The friend was well-meaning and truly cared for Darby. 

Until that time, Darby always imagined this type of dancing to be in the realm of the 1950's bombshell but she decided to give it a go and started her pursuit of all things Burlesque.  At 37 years old, a wife and mother, Darby quickly fell in love and became enchanted.  She says the most rewarding and empowering experience was the time she danced in front of her former belly dance 'hater' colleagues, which left her feeling proud of who she was and of her body.  It was that moment, she says, that she never looked back!

Darby looks back on her childhood and adolescence, remembering how she was taunted and made fun of for early development.  She had large breasts and bottom, was referred to maliciously as Tits McCue, was treated unfairly, taken advantage of, thought of less than and even slutty because of her body.  Through burlesque dancing, Darby has finally found the healing and freedom from these past wounds.

Burlesque, she explains, is not about the nudity, but about the tease of such.  She loves it for not taking itself too seriously, for the satire and humor in the doing, and that it is never about being perfect or sexual.  She says that there is a huge amount of mental work and effort that goes into the preparation, from finding the right song, choreographing the dance steps, and putting together the costumes.  In all of this, her self confidence has strengthened and deepened.  More than that, the wide and diverse community that she has joined has truly empowered her to love herself fully.  There are no limits to who can perform, no ageism, for all walks of life are welcome.  She has loved seeing how women, including herself, learn to love their bodies and become unashamed of who they truly are and how they look.  That in itself fills her with a sense of empowerment and confidence, continuing her love of and enjoyment of the dance.

Even so, she has experienced some backlash from an assortment of arenas.  For the most part, her family admires and respects this calling of hers.  But, even more than the former haters in the belly dance community, Darby has faced the societal misunderstandings of Burlesque by being referred to as a mere 'exotic dancer', not being invited into certain social women circles, looked down to as shameful, even going so far as being thought of as a 'lady of the night'.  She knows wholeheartedly that this is stemming from fear, from being afraid of what they do not know, and from being afraid to step out of the confines of social conformity.  She says at times younger male audience members attend shows with false expectations, cat-calling, saying abusive remarks about the dancers, and come with expectations of sexual compensation, all of which are inappropriate and not a part of burlesque.

However, from the network of other dancers, she has continued to learn to love herself and others involved.  During a time when, because of the process of aging, she gained a significant amount of weight and felt insecure about it, she reached out to other curvy women of elder age who helped her relearn to love herself in her new life situation and bodily form.

Ultimately, Darby explains burlesque is not merely about being sexual, but above all about the community, acceptance, and mutual acceptance of empowering others to find their freedom and love for selves.

Awakening my Inner Bad-Girl: All About Babs

On the record of me at the local police station, it begins with:

Babs Babcock, 16, teenage runaway...

But that doesn't really explain much, does it? I mean, it really doesn't give any circumstantial details, like why I'm a 'runaway', or any of the other interesting facts about my life and why I am where I am today, the choices I have made.

To start with, my father was pretty much absent, basically took off from my mom's and my life when I was, like, 11.  My mother, well, she's a bag of tricks, is she ever.  An alcoholic, in her right, to beat out all other alcoholic, dead-beat parents ever.  Sometimes, if she's nice, she shares her drinks with me but that's only when the night is good, she's feeling fine, the gambling was successful, the guy forked over the money.  Because, you see, as we never have enough money, my mom finds other ways to keep the house and regular expenses afloat and even more so keep her expensive habits active.  Basically, her own brand of legal "prostitution" of herself.  No matter, I think she enjoys it, which is admirable and probably the one greatest lesson in life she has taught me.  Sex, no matter what the situation, can be enjoyable and, in the end, employable.  It can bring great gain, I tell you, she has shown me and I have seen from personal experience.

On a whim, because of this, I left home at 14, headed down to, what is affectionately called "Psycho Beach".  In order to survive, I have learned to hustle, myself and others, in an ongoing pursuit for survival and success, mainly using my body as a means of financial gain, as it were.  And, hey, I really do enjoy it.  Its 'nice work if you can get it', let me tell you.

I first met Roxy after I found myself homeless when a guy I shacked with randomly kicked me out, for reasons unknown to me.  The Steel Kahuna, they call him, and I was immediately enthralled and obsessed with him at first sight, so that power went to his head and he took me into his bed.  Our relationship had to be secret being that I was 14 and he was, well, older.  Perhaps, the fact that the police started snooping around our place had something to do with him just up and kicking me out.  No matter, I found Roxy.  Roxy taught me "the ways of the street".  For the first couple of years, I idolized and looked up to her, mimicked her in every way; clothes, hair, ways of talking.  But, recently I have been finding some form of confidence in my life-style choices and abilities and now I kind of sort of want to break away, branch off on my own.  Maybe, its because I found "Lips", my little minion, someone I can lord power over, at last, and boss around.  Lips isn't the smartest but she needs me, how else would she survive let alone have fun, so in that she is faithful.  In a sense, she is the sister I never had, and even, not sure I ever wanted.  But, there you have it.

I have known the rest of these Psycho Beach people since I was young, since middle school.  We all went to the same school, well until I dropped out.

Victoria is a girl I used to make do my home-work and copy off her in tests.  I think, at one point, she had a secret crush on me and in exchange for her helping me, I let her go down on me.  Once.  Only once.

Mary-lou is the popular girl in school and she and I used to be best friends in middle school.  We both had a mad crush on Ricky and even at one point Bip, wow, can't imagine why?  I started to have some trouble at home, hooked up with The Kahuna, and we just slipped apart.  I'm a little jealous of her because of Ricky, my dream-guy and well, actually, my biggest quest for life.  Also, he plays a huge part in my secret fantasies, you know, to dominate him and make him mine, all mine, ooh, yeah baby!

The Gerk is just this annoying local guy who thinks he's super hot and smart but isn't.  Awhile ago he tried to hook up with me, basically, he kissed me but it was all slobbery tongue so I never let him go any further.  I think he still wants me though, which has its benefits, I assure you.

So, that's my life, in a nutshell.  You'll have to stay-tuned for more details.  I do have a plan that when I die, I'm going to come back as a ghost, walk through walls, and basically scare the shit out of other people.

Babs Babcock is a character from an upcoming film written and directed by Dan McCloy, to be shot locally in Oregon.

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