Journaling Through The Years, Episode 24: Not Alanis KnockOffs: All 90's...

In today's episode, I discuss how my writing impacted and was influenced by my thought processes. I detail the difference between what it means to be a relationship addict versus the forever propensity I have had towards polyamory, & how I am moving forward in my life in being intentional in my relationships, leaving behind the Disney/Hollywood style of romance. Throughout the video, I highlight different aspects of 90's alternative music, a side note: they are all awesome, not only Alanis Morrisette.

Why I will always *heart* Ashland, then & now

 

“Towns are like people. Old ones often have character, the new ones are interchangeable.”

― Wallace Stegner, Angle of Repose

I was born in a small town

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small town
And people let me be just what I want to be

I'm old enough now to have the "I remember when" conversations several times over.  Now, I don't mean to imply here that I am old, because I feel nowhere near old or even what that means or rather when in fact I will be old.  However, what I do mean is that I have personal history with several places, and especially that of the town I currently reside, my beloved Ashland, Oregon.  Oh, what history I have!

My life in Ashland and Southern Oregon has been varied, I have lived life as a college student, a single working person, a married woman, a divorcee, gone through each title of Miss, Mrs, Ms, lived the life of a Jesus freak, the struggling actor's life, fallen in love several times over and quite a few crushes, had my heartbroken, drank way more coffee than alcoholic beverages, and finally, realized the true lesson of Ashland, Oregon that being, finding my calling and, more importantly, my true sense of self. 

I'll never leave this
Small town girl behind
The place where I come from
Is with me all the time

My Little Town

Recently this article, It's Impossible Not To Love The Most Eccentric Town In Oregon, Ashland, made its rounds on social media sparking conversations of near outrage of many in my community who like me can say "I remember when" with an utmost degree of fortitude.  For their part, I can relate and reminisce about what Ashland was and am in agreement that, yes, in fact has changed.   

In recent years, I have bemoaned publicly and privately the rising cost of living and rental prices, the loss of the plethora of hippie lounging in Lithia Park, the increase in the traffic brought on by now the yearlong tourism that used to only span from March through November, maybe, and the reality that I no longer refer to Ashland as a little college town but now as a retirement community 'with a college'.  

Yes, it is known by the adjacent cities that Ashland is known more for being on the wealthy end, albeit sometimes referred to as snobby, or perhaps even liberal elitist, rather than eccentric.

Yet, in my present state of mind, I view all of this with a different perspective.  For change is inevitable in life, it's how we adapt that defines our enjoyment and endurance in life.  And, as I look out at this, my darling little Ashland, as I interact with the new breed of citizen, especially within the last year in the time of Covid, I now see that whether what may have occurred outward the true heart's blood of Ashland's core remains at its essence.  

Through one of my 'normie' jobs, I have the luxury of coming into contact with this new breed of Ashlanders, the retired folk above the boulevard, as it were, and from my time with them, I sense only an increasing heart's connection with this town as they spend more time within its confines, falling more and more in love with it as truly their home.  Truthfully, I love watching the newer resident's excitement over the little joys of Ashland I have become accustomed to, the love in their lives as they recount their 'how they came to live here' stories, which always seem to reflect some sort of spiritual guidance, of sorts, and the thrill over the variety of activity to enjoy in this town.  

The point of it is, no matter how it may look now, how the eccentricity of Ashland may have transformed, it still remains the little, funky, artsy-fartsy, weird town, it is now in a new phase of life.  As humans have different seasons, cycles, and phases they pass through, so to a town with its collections of a variety of humans all living and colliding within each others' spaces, has its seasons, cycles, and phases to pass through.  

For my part, I cherish the "I remember when" stories I have, the memory of what Ashland used to look like, remember when that building used to look like that or remember when that building was there but now they tore it down, remember when I lived there, remember, remember, remember...but as I hold dear those memories, the lessons of Ashland's true significance as the parental guiding figure becomes more visible and  I find within the ability to move onwards, embracing that which is new, the new faces to meet whose stories will affect mine, teaching myself and Ashland as a whole the lessons to be learned in growth and expansion.

In years of recent, I felt a desire to move beyond this little town, but what that reflected was a restlessness and a true lack of connection to home within.  But, truth be told, now at last I have found that home within knowing that it is truly where my heart is, that of, my beloved little town, Ashland. 

This Town

We all know the chosen toys

Of catty girls and pretty boys

Make up that face

Jump in the race

Life's a kick in this town

Life's a kick in this town

This town is our town

It is so glamorous

Bet you'd live here if you could

And be one of us

Thrive In Covid

 

Somedays

Now, I'll admit that the above image is very much a click bait tactic,because I wholeheartedly do not believe in flipping off a year.  Time and our means of constructing it is just that, a construct of our mind.  That said, what comes forth from our sense of time is simply just a fact of life, not a personal attack against us, individually or as a whole.  That said, I do not mean to lessen or shame any who are suffering or have experienced loss due to the extremities of this past year's sufferings.  But, in all of my life, I have been one that has experienced the depths of the lows and the joys of the highs, dealt with chronic depression, suicidal ideation, body dysmorphia and anorexia, suffered from the intensity of a myriad of abusers, found myself for many a year beneath the poverty level with mounting debt and wondering if I will ever rise above....so I get it, I feel your pain and struggle, and experience it thoroughly with you at this time.

However, the reality of Covid-19 and the results of having to effectively quarantine has shaped furthermore how I define and frame my life purpose and achievements.  The word of the year for me personally, the one that set me forth in the wee small hours of 2020, was 'health'.  How ironic if you look at where we are now globally, am I right?  But, this was, at the most, meant to be a personal grounding point, was and is still at this moment.  

With that overall intention of health spanned the whole dynamic of what it means to live and be fully healthy, not just the physical but mentally, emotionally, creatively, career-wise, financially, and, yes, spiritually.  Like spokes of a wheel, if one area sputters off balance, the rest of a soul will be off kilter.  So, with this theme, I began my 2020 and the words that arose to assist in this were:

Focus.  Simplify.  Heal.  

Like a mathematical equation, perhaps:  Focus + Simplify = Heal.

With that commenced my 2020 and it remained despite the overwhelming circumstances of negative that arose.  Armed with my ability to persevere and endure based on the plethora of painful experience of my past, I squared my shoulders and pushed forward, despite the scary reality of lock-down, pandemic, and a shaky economy.  From my past experiences with difficulty, trauma, and pain, I have realized that life is more than just the material and by making the active choice to continue and thrive, I can and I will, and I have in 2020.  The lockdown caused the most important turning point of my life, it forced me to slow down, to stop the running, striving, seeking to please, and evaluate my priorities which enabled me to move forward with true progress and mindfulness.

I did not, nor have in many a year, limited myself in the means of employment or making money.  I allowed myself to be flexible and creative in order to reach my goals.  With the stable income-base and hard work to achieve it, I found balance, peace, and stability in other aspects of my life.  Focus I was able to do as I moved forward with my business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, discovering at last my brand, (Thriving Artists), learning new aspects of the trade of both film-maker and producer, as well as continuing my love of creating art in all its aspects.  

This year I have purposely chosen to create monthly vision intention boards, not just for the year, and hung them on my front door so I actively view frequently throughout the day.  Because of this, I have reached many a goal, small and somewhat large, and am actively working at reaching more.  For the first time in a very long time, I have an ample money supply, enough to feel safe and secure within the constraints of the financial.  I have learned not only to budget, but have paid off debt,  not only helped raise my credit score but now understand just what a credit score is, pay the majority of my bills early, have not one but two savings accounts (okay, one is for the business), am actively raising money from my personal income for a short film trilogy, and have a special 'mad money' tin with wads of cash stored away.  In addition, for the first time in my life, I have full coverage insurance, have been able at last to see a therapist regularly and really start working on my trauma related issues, but also will start seeing a psychiatrist, a dentist, and will soon start the process of working towards a breast reduction.  Lastly, from all of this, I have finally and fully developed an appreciation for myself, realized my worth and the enormity of my ability, and am actively choosing to align myself with the positive both relationally with others externally and internally with my dialogue and inner true self.  This affords me the ability and space to examine all of me, without as much judgment as I can muster, both the negative and the positive, not to dwell but to realize that despite the bad choices I have made in my past, I am still, at heart, a good person.  Most heart-warming of all, I have been able to purchase and create gifts for many of my loved ones, without financial worry.

I could go on and on about this sense of abundance I have acquired this year, this sense of peace and inner joy I have, that is not based on external, but I don't mean to sound boastful or to make others angry or despise me.  This blog is not about that.  This is about the how I have found my way to thrive despite external circumstance and hopefully help others to do just that.

Many, many years ago, in the far away 90's, I attended a weekend Christian teen camp called "Feb Camp".  Why did I attend this? I was not nor would be a Christian for several years to come at that point.  No, I attended because my best friend from high school, known to all to you merely as "MLE" (as she is), attended the summer camp version.  (Side note: MLE was not a Christian per se but she enjoyed the camaraderie and friendship gained from that particular summer camp experience.)  I, being obsessed with camp in my high school youth (have I told you about my summer HS experience as a YMCA camp counselor?) eagerly agreed to attend.  MLE had already come to many a shindig at my house where I reunited with my camp friends and enjoyed the experience readily so it was more than fitting that I attend her experience.  I look back on it with fondness, not because of the Christian element, but of the time spent with MLE, the friends she had told me about, the jokes we all shared (I still cannot listen to Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry" without giggling), but a lesson from the Bible, I had yet to read at that point, did stick.  No...don't know the words...

What was that lesson, you ask? Well, I will tell you.  The leaders of the church gathered us all together one late Saturday night in some small chapel room and as we sat around, he read to us from the book of Job.  Have you read that or heard that story? Job is a guy that God really digs but Satan says, yeah, well everything is going good for ol' Job, let me mess with him, and he will curse you.  So, God says, all right, let's do this, and Satan does, but Job never curses God despite all the hardship, loss of home, family, career, that befall him.  The lesson the teachers taught that weekend was "bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people".  

That has stuck with me all these years later, random I know, but entirely helpful for a person that has suffered to the extremity that I have, well, extremity accordingly afforded to being Cis-Gender, White, in the United States, sorta kinda, first world nation. 

But, it has helped me remain buoyant, to persevere, despite hardship and to recognize that no matter how dire things may seem, they will eventually work themselves out seemingly miraculously and better than I could ever ever imagine.  Is there this invisible force at work or is it all my doing? Who can say, and that really doesn't matter.  

Being able to thrive does not have any backbone in financial wealth alone, though there is no shame in material abundance.  It is found in the active choice to not be a victim of life circumstance.  It is so much much more than okay to feel anger and sadness over a trial and difficult situation, yes, but to point fingers, blame, feel put upon, will not help learn the lessons needed to persevere, rise, and move onwards.  

The take-away from this year 2020, as well as other hard times, is that life is built of the good and bad and that all are meant for our spiritual and/or emotional evolution, personally as well as corporately.  If we look at the natural world and its cycles, we can realize that all of life, ours as well, behaves in cycles.  We are meant to learn and evolve, achieve and grow, different things based on those cycles.  We are all on our individual paths and the external effects us all in different ways based on the lessons needed to be learned.  I challenge you, my dear friend, to not look at the craziness of this past year, the scariness that you and many feel, in the viewpoint of a victim, but ask what can be learned and acquired from this.  For I have found that its in choosing to not be a victim that we begin to truly thrive. 

Turn!Turn!Turn!

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts about what you just read.  I welcome differing viewpoints.  Please comment below and I will respond!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions,Inc, a film and media company with the emphasis of helping the world to become a better place.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions