Thanksgiving is my favorite of all the holidays.
Now, don't get your panties in a bunch, you hear me? I am not talking about the historical aspect of the day. I, too, was spoon-fed the heroic story of the pilgrims settling in the land who were rescued by the helpful natives and the union of the two that 'first thanksgiving'. I, too, dressed up like a pilgrim and made paper head-dresses in my early childhood school years. Later, I also learned the truth of what happened moving forward in our country's sordid past, the trail of tears, and all of that.
But, I am not talking about the historical thanksgiving as I have stated above, but the spiritual or metaphorical one. Yes, I love this holiday because most everyone across the country takes a pause to gather with family (or our chosen family) and reflect upon the gifts given to them. Some may take this from a religious manner and others from a mere place of humanistic gratitude. Whatever the root, the act of meditating on thankfulness is the true reason for the season and the motivation for my love of the holiday.
That said, I'd like to take some time to reflect on what I have to be grateful for over this past year, before the hubbub busyness of shopping, cooking, and out of town guests takes over my world.
First, on the gratitude list, the basics. I am grateful for my sexy red Sonic. When I was looking for a new car after the PT Cruiser was thankfully taken from me, I kept visualizing myself driving in a red car. Through my searching, I was led to TC Chevy and there it was. It wasn't my first choice, but it was the right selection. The salesman at TC Chevy, not working on commission, walked me through the purchasing process to best fit my needs and I am grateful for him and for the fact that every month the payments are made and the outstanding debt towards that is slowly, gradually reduced to what is not seemingly insurmountable.
And, for the first time in years of many, I have full coverage health insurance. That in itself is worthy of much jubilation.
I am thankful for my new little, ramshackle, home. The wind blows wildly on our hill, but the view and the acreage, the fact of still in Ashland, just 5 minutes by car outside of town, in the country is a dream I never thought could ever be and yet here I am.
My kitties, Tansy and Leo, who provide hours of enjoyment and affection through their sweetness, sense of humor, and cuteness. And, of course, my boyfriend, Michael, who is truly my biggest supporter and best friend, who understands me truly like no other. Together with our two hilarious kitty cats, we make up a strange and adorable little family. I am truly proud of him in all he does and honored to live and work alongside of him these last 5ish years.
Moving onwards into the second phase of my gratitude list:
I am thankful that now I can work independently, carving out my own schedule and using the resources of financial, relational, spiritual, and others, to make my life be my life and pursue my dreams without looking back. In a very real sense, I am grateful for those crazy years of my early diagnosis, the darkness of the despair, that led me to the choice of disability so that I am the position of working for myself and in that allowing my health to be a driving force in pursuing my art, ambitions, and dreams.
In that, I am thankful that by working for myself and using my resources wisely, money is no longer an enemy working against me but a tool under my say and control. In that, not only are the bills paid in full, mostly, but I see a gradual reduction in debt and an overall sense of peace in my financial circumstances. It is truly a momentary struggle that through diligence and thoughtful perseverance I will overcome and in that there is joy.
It may seem strange to be thankful for a mental health condition and I do not want it to seem like I am boasting that I do not have to work the normal job. I believe I paid my dues in life, first by having the struggles that come from having bipolar disorder, and then by placing myself in multiple different abusive relationships, from romantic to spiritual, sometimes simultaneously, and back again. Through going into the depths of my emotion, both highs and lows, I have been provided with the gift of deep soul searching and self analysis, coming up with a depth of understanding of myself and human nature, as well as compassion.
And, thus we enter the final phase of my gratitude list, at least for now:
I am thankful that in moving towards working for myself, carving out my own schedule, I have had the freedom and the time to focus on myself, who I am spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, as well as career-wise. I've spent time reading through book after book, whether it be the myriad forms of spirituality, career focused books either on how to improve my craft as an actress, how to be the best producer and/or business-woman ever, and, of course, the random 'fun book', a novel and yes, a non-fiction book about the Ketogenic lifestyle. (So, sue me, that's fun for me!) All of these books read a little each morning has given me a sense of renewed focus and calm throughout each day. Through the course of these studies, I have begun to choose my own path when it comes to spirituality, realizing that I do not need to identify or conform to any form of organized religion and that I truly can draw from each to find the quiet within. Focusing in on the aspects of my career has given me a renewed drive to continue forward in my goals and ambitions, to see the fruits of my labor come true one way or another. Lastly, the studies into the Ketogenic lifestyle diet have not only brought health to my physical but has provided such a reduction of my anxiety, mood instability, and reactivity that I never thought possible. (It is primarily that reason alone that I am such a devout activist for the Keto Way!)
And, of course, I am always thankful for each of my loved ones, the ones far away and those close by. Those who have come into my life recently and those who have recently left, whether through life changes or death. (That includes you, Papa Harry!) Each of you have colored my life with such intensity and beauty that enhances every aspect of my life. You help me to enjoy life to the fullest, help me to take myself less seriously, help me to see alternate angles of my otherwise narrow viewpoint, and then help fuel my creativity. Because of your positive influence and love in my life, I have grown stronger, am increasingly becoming more and more free from the effects of the abuse, have been able to choose love and allow it in as well as continuously noticing, then eliminating toxic elements from my life.
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