Full Definition of ADDICTION
1
: the quality or state of being addicted <addiction to reading>
2
: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
I find myself at times what is or would be my addiction. Relationships? Possibly. Then, it hit me. At one point, an addiction for me was my faith, or rather, being a part of the conservative fundamentalist church I attended for a good portion of my younger days.
Why do I consider this to be an addiction as such? Well, Christianity in its conservative right-minded form appealed to me because of its emphasis on love and inclusion, feeling to be part of a group and thus running from the feeling of unpopularity that had been built in me since middle school. In so many ways, I desired that sense of family feeling in that community, something I had never truly experienced anywhere else, a sense of belonging and being a part of something outside myself, rather a sense of being known completely by another person or multiples of that.
In the end, I used this religious belief and connection as a drug, in a sense, a way for me to numb out the painful issues that had brought me into the church in the first place.
As time went on, the drug became more all encompassing. I couldn't live without it but the more I took it, swallowed the teachings without thinking (or trying not to), I found myself more discontented and alone. In short, I needed more to drown out the pain inside myself.
In the end, I couldn't.
For the more I got involved with the church, the more I began to see the dark side, the negative effects of it in my life. The more I got involved, thus, I couldn't deny this fact for the more I tried to conform, the less I could. As those that professed grace and acceptance, the more the opposite was true.
I ran...not knowing why or how. Just a gut instinct made me run, seeking grace, forgiveness, love from other sources, other churches, friends, even lovers. Just more stuff to numb the pain until I couldn't run anymore and I faced myself, my ultimate truth, where we all must find ourselves.
Leaving that abusive church behind, I found myself going through what I can only describe as negative withdrawals. I had left the only community I had really known, what had been my world, what I saw as truth, for 5 years, give or take, of my life. Although there had been judgment, there had also been love and friendship. I no longer had those. I had to look around far and wide to see who was still standing by my side, finding none from those I had "fellowshipped" with. Not only that, but I began to see that was taught me as "gospel truth" was actually a point of view of those doing the indoctrinating. What a shock!
Breaking away meant not only leaving the church but forgiving myself and those involved from any wrong-doing and releasing them to their fate, to their own life paths. In that forgiveness, I found healing and freedom, a new found community of other "refugees", I found love once again for those still part of the church, for those in my life past and present, and mostly for myself, at last. I no longer tried to hide from myself by numbing myself out, in short, I was no longer afraid of seeing myself.
Life become enjoyable at last, truly living and not hiding. This I pray and hope for all my friends, involved with fundamentalism and outside that world. We all deserve to be free, to be fully alive, and fully in love with ourselves.
We all need to "break away."
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