Self-Analysis

I sit here, contemplating the words to fill this screen, drinking cheap yet tasty shiraz, and chatting online with my once upon a time (yeah, like two weeks) Italian Amore.  (He looked a lot like Matthew McConnahey, but even better...)

Truly, this last year has been a year of rebirth, finding myself, and, as the word that keeps swimming through my synapses: Breaking free...

Breaking free from the overly-hyped formats of organized religion, parental controls even in adulthood (yikes), and a not so present past, that now, despite years of trying, I have finally found my healing.

It has come about in so many ways, such as the God that these religious denominations tried to force on me yet found Him in my own way, and finding my back to childhood passions that have now become real....

Like finding old friends and flames...and finding and making ones.

Theatre and acting was always a dream of mine, yet I set out for it in what I now realize was the wrong direction.  I went in searching of fame, fortune, glory...and through rejection, heartache, and disenchantment, I found myself, my passion, my purpose...which led me back to the world of the stage, surprisingly, without much effort.  As I said, when my darling love and I came together in the art of matrimony, we decided we would never let each other stand in the way of our dreams...(Don't let this "arthitus" stand in your way...) so, in climbing back on 'the boards', it was not just a dream, cause I had long since given up hope of fame and seek only a peaceful life with my love and two kitties (and little children...soon), it was to conquer the old fears and to prove to myself that I actually could do it....and I did.  Hell, a fear years ago, when I was "bipolar", I was walking up in front of a group of people, telling them how messed up I had been and was and how I pulled myself out of it, etc etc etc....so, dressing up as a hooker, not a problem!

I didn't expect the blessings and love I got from it.  The friendships, the intense healing, not just in doing the play, but in getting to know the character.

And, I realize the art of theatre is not in the applause, not in having one's name up in lights, but, as in every day life, in the personal growth and healing of the character and the actress...and its in the relationship with self, others, and the creator...in making the difference in the world so as to leave it a better place...

Isn't that how we all want to be remembered? That we left the world a better place, a little brighter, a little more love left after we have exited stage left...the knowledge that we have brought a "lite" to someone's eyes!

Wormwood: A Taste of Bitterness

"I'm not bitter, I'm a pacifist"--says Charlie Blossom, this after he rails on and on about how he wants to "bash in his boss's face in", or meditate in the library to get even with them for firing him.  So, yeah, he's not bitter!

But, really don't we all get this way, claiming to be one of peace and love yet in a moment of high stress or even low, we lapse into a spasm of anger or tension, or both.

Jesus calls us to a life of peace and promises freedom from a life of drudgery, not so much that we won't have the humdum details of life to encounter, but that we can do these mundane activities with the focus of worship and service to him, and thus to others.

Lately, I have found myself diverging down the path to bitterness, which leads to a heart of trespasses, ie, seeking pleasure from that which is not profitable.  This, then is a heart of wickedness, an intent to not please my maker or those he has gifted me with, to turn away, to trespass against.  What is the reason for this following away? Answer: Bitterness.

All to often, when and if people crack open the Bible, they will read it for history, proof of its validity or the existence of God, looking for contradictions and finding none push it away for it does what it has been doing for me of late: exposing my heart.

Yes, that's true, in all my reactions of late, what strikes me as I do my daily duties is how quickly my temper flares, even if it is by myself, when no one sees.  God sees!  So, in that, what I have discovered is bitterness of my own heart, feeling left out, pushed aside, feeling overwhelmed by the complications of life.  "It isn't fair!" I complain, yet God says, "Yes, life isn't, but I am!"

In that, he reminds me of his death, the penetrated holes in his hands, feet, the scars covering his whole body; the blood of grace that was shed for that very heart of bitterness.  So, I release the pain, the frustration, and try my best to trust that there is a purpose in all things, that "all things work together for good for those who love God".  In short, I surrender and do it again...and again...again.  Because I know, that only in surrender will I be able to hear from God and actually be of use to him and all around me.

Yes, my quiet times with God, in his word, are one of the best forms of recovery, short of prayer, which is the ultimate in humility and sacrifice, because it exposes our true intentions and hearts, the wickedness within.  Once discovered, an act of true surrender is what is required to continue forth..

Drink the wormwood, it may taste bitter, but its nothing like the "corruption" within, and only with that drink, thy shall be healed!

"A heart that refuses to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit will not change, no matter how hard you pray."  --Stormie Omartian

A Breathe of Life; A Quiet Repose: the Mystery at Work

I find myself lately getting lost in the chaos of life, do you?  Whether it be illness, financial difficulties, emotional trauma, busyness with work or household duties, at times it feels difficult to keep up and maintain a semblance of peace within myself, and therefore, I forget to take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment, and relax in knowing that somehow, someway, it all gets done.  And in the end, the details of life are of less importance than the relationships we form, the blessings from our creator that enrich our lives.  And truly, if we invest in that which is of eternal value, relationships to God, our loved ones, ourselves, aren't we of much more value for the mundane?

There is a saying in the world of the theatre, when all is said in done, worries about opening night and how it all comes through, it eventually does and with more grandeur and element of surprise than what was ever imagined.  In short, "It's a mystery!"

And so too, in our spiritual walks, however that may come about, we find in trusting ourselves into the hands of the divine, we are blessed with the infinite knowledge that everything will work out in the way it is supposed to, and with precious hopes that we will come away as unscathed as possible.

Truly one of the blessings of meeting my love, my partner, my best friend for life is that he encourages me, as I him, to follow and pursue our dreams and in the end, it is that which preserves our relationship, as we seek out to define ourselves apart from each other, we are brought even closer by the depths of our own understanding, an appreciation of the trust of letting ourselves be.  For, as I am learning as of late, in every relationship there is a natural ebb and flow of closeness which seeks to help us to breathe, step back, and come together again with renewed love and interest.  I am speaking not merely of my partner in crime and life, but also in the friendships and loyalties of my true friends, (Reader: you know who you are!)

So, my message, mostly for myself, and perhaps can be of benefit to you, may you follow your dreams for the wellbeing of your own psyche, spiritual growth, and that of your most cherished and deepest loves, relationships.

“Do the thing you love more than anything in life! You might become a bit unpredictable, sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible.”

Remember, in taking this step to personal growth and pursuing our dreams, we do find the chance to breathe in life, repose, and allow the mysteries and blessings of life to awaken us to health, happiness, and spiritual wellbeing.

Something to point to!

So, at church this morning, my Pastor
talked about investing in the spiritual and the earthly, as in what
lasts.  Even though we may want to build something on this earth for
our glory, it is not what matters....he referred to somebody building
a house with wood or metal and I thought of working....so, as I tried
to connect "something to point to" to God, the last portion of it
pointed to me, as in "look what I did, I did the job"...that was the
trouble.  So, this morning in church I rewrote it as this:

Look what God did,
See what's he done
He did the job!
He was the one!

I tell people about both of us having the faithfulness to pray before
every show, and then how most of the time, when we opened our eyes
there would be a whole group praying with us, unasked!! Those that
tell are as excited and pleased with that!!!

I hope our fellow thespians stop to think that "He" is who we point
to, and who did the "work" in the play, and in every part of our
life...

I pray and hope that we can always remember, in every instance and
circumstance whether joyful or troublesome, He is faithful and He will
do the work.

May we all have "Something to point to"...

Our Greatest Enemy is Fear!

The buzz around town has been that we are, tried and true, living in da 'end times.  This comes as no surprise to me as starting my walk with God in the church in 2001, the study of escotology was all the rage.  Seems like every bible study or service talked about the impending rapture, or catching up of the church.  In fact, perhaps, a believer became a follower of Christ not merely because of HIS LOVE and FORGIVENESS but for fire insurance, who can know?

So, I went through a period of watching the news and pouring through the Book of Revelation and the prophets looking for clues to match up with the times claiming this was the end.  This is a far cry from my pre-Christ era when I would read and watch the news to try to guess what jokes would be tossed around on late-night television shows, and yet, Christian talk of end times, brought many a joke on late-night television shows and in secular circles.

But, now in my walk with God, I am more focused on the here and now, the present moment.  For, I cannot go back to my past or change it and the future is yet to be formed and out of my line of sight, so today is all I have.  I do not live my life in the dread that it is my last, but simply enjoy my time loving God, the world he gave me, and ALL of the PEOPLE he has placed in my life.

So, now it seems the spread of the end times views has reached the so-called unbelievers.  As I read Revelation, I am struck not by the fear of what's to come but by the promise of Christ that He will not only win but His promise to help us overcome so that "we may eat of the tree of life".

So, my dear sojourners on ye spiritual path, Fear not, and may the mercies of God be upon you to bring you to his love, grace, and patience.  He is with you now and until the end of time.

He who has ears, let him hear

"Working" your calling!

Well, as many of you know, a few weeks ago I ended a play entitled, "Working" based on a Studs Terkel novel.
I, of course, played the hooker, as you can understand, wait, what, was I type-cast?  So, in a sense, I have been in recovery mode since the play ended in what seems like ages ago, but really is a few weeks.  It was funny when I first got the part, I was feeling like I was the most uncommitted actor to this show.  I was more concerned with the actual business of making a living than "working", and yes, I admit, that many times I thought, "God, I can't do this, I can't pay the bills or make money if I have this obligation."  But over and over, I was told by God to see it through, that yes, there was a reason for everything and that it would work out as it is supposed to, even if I couldn't see it yet.  And, so, grinding my teeth, I pursued with, at least, a shred of faith masquerading as a whole lot.  (And isn't that all that God asks, that we have just an eensy-weensy bit of faith and he will supply the rest...)

So, I kept at it and strangely, my character and songs started to come upon me.  The character grew in me throughout the months leading up the late rehearsals and through the process of putting on the show.  And, surprisingly, the songs that I was sure I would never get, I memorized, danced, sang, and even put a little "drama' into them.  The funny thing, I began to learn a little bit about myself; how truly everything has a purpose, a season, and will work out for good in the end.

My history in theatre, and therefore in life, is one of various mountain peaks and potholes.  From the earliest of age, as soon as I could hold a pen, I was writing, creating, putting on plays, writing plays.  Without the understanding of Shakespeare or any formal training, at a tender age, I was constructing plays, and yes, sitcoms.  I kept dreaming of fame, fortune, success.  I took a few acting classes here and there, never was in any plays, but learned enough that it was something I wanted to do, something that made me feel good.  I also met some really amazing friends, to be specific, my little sister, Brooke!!

There was no drama department in my high school, really, in a high school and middle school population that came to approximately 120 students in totality, there was not really a department of anything, just a few classrooms here and there where we learned a thing or two.  (At one point, and this was before I was there, the school didn't even have walls (cubes), just open spaces with desks...and yeah, I guess the school realized that their system was 'really taking off" so they put up walls!)  So, in high school, I pursued outside forms of creativity, mainly voice and chorus.  Back then, my dream had always been to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy is possibly my favorite character ever, Judy Garland is my favorite actress, and The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest movie ever made and the best antidepressant ever (if you don't agree with me, we'll have to take this outside!)  So, yeah, for like an open house night, I sang "somewhere over the rainbow".  Looking back, that was the first time in my life (besides working one summer as a babysitter so I could attain my own phone line) where I realized that in faith, hard work, and diligence, dreams can come true, but let's stress mostly the faith in God and the Universe part mostly!

So, all through middle and high school, I was the awkward, dorky one that got teased a lot.  For whatever reason, I just didn't understand how to be in society, not that any of us did really at that age, or do now, but still there it is.  Maybe you can say it was because of "difficulty" at home that caused this lack of confidence and self esteem or blame it on a "chemical imbalance", who can tell? (In the beginning of high school, I got dragged without my consent to a psych doctor that put me on Ritalin and then prozac, never allowed to work through emotionally my problems, just told "take the meds and you will feel better").  But, as I see now, it all works out in the end.  My singing and love for creativity in all forms kept me going, when nothing else was working or felt right, somehow I found myself in that, and eventually led me on the path to my higher power, God, Jesus, the Great Spirit, what have you....and I met some pretty awesome friends along the way.

So, I got to my Senior year and I am about ready to graduate and my parents and I have this conversation about what to pursue.  They keep pushing me to write and to take classes in writing, and I say that I want to do acting and singing, and that I am already a good writer, and they say but with classes I can get better...but its still, yeah, I want to do this.
My first college year I landed at San Francisco State University, which is completely random and just weird that it ever happened, so much of me has changed since that first crazy year.  I took my GE classes (almost flunked out my first semester), took acting one, creative writing, and singing.  In acting, I was a shy and timid little girl that hungered for fame or what have you but was just too afraid to take a chance,  But, that year I had this drama teacher (Mr. Washington, not Denzel, I forget his first name) told me "you have the talent and can do it" (I remember that even if I don't remember his name, only that my friend, Heather and I, would mistakenly call him "denzel").

I left that school after a year, the first of my friends to leave.  For whatever reason, SFSU is a school where people don't really graduate, a few do, but most just pass through.  Its like a train station, you come in, stay for awhile, until the next train leads you on.  I picked up the skill of being in school and became comfortable in a big city, with new, crazy ideas and lifestyle choices, mostly Southern Californians who laughed at us Northern Calis because we said "hella".  I ended up back at my Junior College where I again pursued drama and writing amongst taking general ed requirements.  I was more comfortable in my drama class.  I liked the teacher and I liked my partner in dramatic crime, Michael.  Yeah, okay, so after the class ended, the teacher seduced me and then left me, forgot about me. and moved to the East Coast and yeah, because of that, I withdrew more and more into my pain, but hey, I learned about life and all its sorrows, and gained another great friend, who is in effect, a hanger-on.  (A friend that lasts plus decade and through whatever crap you throw at them or go through with them, they are still there smiling and holding your hand at the end of it, the hangers on!)  To be completely honest, this guy and the friends from SFSU never stopped encouraging me to follow my dreams, write, and pursue theatre even when I lost heart.

So, after a random running around through the streets of Europe, I ended up in Ashland, Oregon, the town I was born to live in, to attend Southern Oregon University, where, yes, I pursued theatre.  Because of the evil drama teacher experience, my anxiety started to set in.  I had to audition for acting one and I failed.  I lost heart and the anxiety grew worse and worse,  further more, I blamed myself for failing.  I became depressed. stressed, anxious all the time, and sick at heart.  About half way through that, fate dealt another hand of fortune by guiding me to take acting classes at RCC with a teacher by the name of John Cole.  Not knowing the exact nature of the turmoil I was going through, he gave me Nina from The Seagull to work on, and she has remained my character and her story has and is mine.  As I was abused my drama teachers and such, so was Nina mistreated by those in the fame and fortune world and her line:

"He didn't believe in the theatre, all my dreams he'd laugh at, and little by little I quit believing in it myself, and lost heart.  And there was the strain of love, jealousy, constant anxiety...I got to be small and trashy, and played without thinking..."

pretty much sums up all that was going on in my life, both internally and externally, at that time.

  I finally left theatre behind, seemingly forever, during my junior year and ended up in Human Communication.  (Met some great peeps too, a shout out to, Rick and Audrey, to name a few).  Along the way through the theatre craziness, I found God along the way, rather, he rescued me.

So, after college, I ended up teaching preschool and babysitting.  A part of me thought I was settling for what life could give me and that my dreams would never come true so just do whatever do what you can and hope something comes on, just make do and try to have some fun.  Looking back, I think working with children affected my outlook on life because it forced me to care for someone else's needs besides my own and so therefore took away any selfish ambition and made me focus on a greater sense of purpose, one that outlasts mine.  Yeah, I remember everybody saying you are making a difference in these kids lives, but, really, those kids made an even bigger difference in mine.

Around that time, I wandered purposelessly into a cafe (but remember everything has a reason) and fell in love with my soul mate.  However, I didn't know he was my soul mate and neither did he (everybody else saw it though) until well after I had moved far far away and several years and years of prayers and heartbreak later....thankfully he took me back or something.

So, I ended up getting dragged back to California on the insisting of my parents who, basically, signed me up for a teaching program at Sonoma State but, remember everything works for good, right? So, I ended up back in my home state of California, where I got a teaching credential, went crazy, faced my demons, made to feel more shame for myself than what God would want of me from the cults, I mean, churches I belonged to, apologized for the wrongs I had done and got blamed for the things I hadn't done, was given pills instead of getting help with the core issues, felt like I was seen as a "Jezebel"...until I could take it no longer and fate, the great hand of God, brought me back where I belong, Oregon, Ashland, home.

As Dorothy says when she returns home from OZ, I say about Calfornia:

"I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful...But all the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, was I want to go home (to Ashland) and they sent me home..."

Right after I left Oregon, I started writing this play about my time at the cafe where I met my true love.  I had no idea why I was writing it but I was pulled by some compulsion to write it and write it and keep writing it.  My friends would laugh at me and make jokes about it.  But, I was driven.  I thought, I don't know, there is a story here and I got to write it....but what was the story, that I loved this man whose name I have attached to mine and whose ring is on my finger.  A few months before he came back into my life, I finished that play after 6 years of endlessly writing it, throwing it aside, picking it up, editting, writing....and then done.  It seems strange to think about it now, that I could be so driven to write...but hey, everything has its purpose in the end.  I got everything I hoped for and yet more than I could ever imagine, like, more than I could ask or think...and yet the exact answer to my prayers and heart's desire.  And, its funny, as many as these friends from the cult, wait, church advised me to stay away from the "non-christian world" and specifically this man, I couldn't help praying, and waiting...and wondering if I would ever love, when he, my husband, is the only one that can understand me when no one else, even those who claim to be my family in Christ doesn't...perhaps they don't even really understand love at all or even God, but that's not my place to say...who are so hung up by their intrepretation of the scripture, and yes I was there too, they miss the real meaning of Christ's love, and to that  I have found in my 'scary-dark boy"...so, maybe these friends of mine are right, maybe I sinned by sleeping with him before marriage (shh...don't tell), but, you know, it all worked out in the end and as the song goes...'what I did for love..."  (Honestly, being married to my Mr. Weston has taught me so much about God's love and faithfulness and commitment to him, my vows, other people than any bible study or lecture ever could...hmm, who knew?)

So, in effect, Bill coming back into my life and marrying me and me coming back to Ashland is a "dream", an answer to prayers...and yet so much more.  And, something that through thick and thin, Bill and I try to do is to pursue our dreams, to follow our paths, to do what we love...and trust that everything else will fall into place, and it has....with faith, diligence, prayer, love, commitment, in the face of all adversity, when all else seems to fail and everything seems at the brink of extinction...our love and our faith brings us through and provides over and abundantly more than we ever thought...So much of my life, I was told to walk the line, to follow somebody else's plan for my life, their purpose and their definition of success for my life, whether it be my father's or the self-imposed religiousity of a few "christians" i knew, who would stand around and talk about how all they wanted to do was "serve God"....but in how?  In all of that, I never gave up my desire for theatre and writing...and felt laughed at or looked down upon for even thinking of that or pushed into an area that didn't really fit for me but was somebody else's imposed direction for my life...

So, finally, as God opens doors, I go through them day by day, inch by inch with faith and hope for the best and trust...and I learn a few things about myself, God, and love.

A few years ago,  I decided that I was unable to work due to the necessity to get healthy and made the choice to go on disability.  The first thing I realized was "what is my purpose if not to work" and how to explain who I am without a job.  I actually experienced this in real life, when after introducing myself to someone,  they asked "so what do you do?"
And, in that moment, I had no idea what to say...so I began to think and came to the conclusion, as Amanda McKenney (a character in Working) says "Jobs aren't big enough for people", in effect, our job is not our identity.  And learned, as she puts it, "I am Julia, at certain points in time, I do things for a living."

Okay, after Amanda says her bit, and her SATAN boss comes in and talks about his VALUES, like 20 minutes or so later, I come on dressed as THE HOOKER and say "you become your job"  and the funny thing is, I, kind of, can see that now, but strangely in a positive way.

Like I was saying, Bill and I encourage each other to follow our dreams and our choice of paths, passions, desires, loves and so too I encourage my friends to do the same, and hopefully, they are as blessed as well.  But, even so, I still dont' want to define myself as a job, but lately, I have picked up several roles or positions and would willingly accept them as a title, because after all they are my choice, my passion, and will follow the roads they take me on as life goes alone...these hats I wear, roles I play are actress, writer, nanny, teacher, wife, kitty-mommy, friend, sister, aunt, so yes, when you look at in this light, you become your job....and for this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for Bill and his love and friendship and for just being himself around me, and once again for the hangers-on.  I wouldn't be where I am without them, their encouragement, their patience, their love...to name a few,Frank Cristofer Montague , Woo Baby, Lee Lancaster, Tony Fleisher, and even for those that life directed us apart for a time but have brought us back together, such as Corky Gardner and Michelle Gray and, yes, John Cole

My advice to you, whether you be starting out in your adventure or on a new path, follow your dreams, your passions, your hearts...do what you love and the rest will follow, and remember as Nina says:

"Now I know, I understand, (Kostya), that in our work--acting or writing--what matters is not fame, not glory, not what I used to dream about, its how to endure, to bear my cross, and have faith.  I have faith and it all doesn't hurt me so much, and when I think of my calling I'm not afraid of life."

And remember, these three remain, faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love.

A Special Thanks and Blessings for All

So, what inspired this is, I got a response to a request on Linkedin for a connection from, yes, a SATAN boss.  Yeah, I have had issues with him in the past and thankfully I have left that employment and have felt soooo much better because of it.  But, through it still, I have felt bitterness towards the whole situation and mostly to him.  But, I saw him and decided to reach out as a form of apology, what I got in return was an email saying these two words: "No Thank You!"  So, as you can imagine, I was a little upset and I thought, "Well, I am just reporting this (pardon the french) fucker to the BBB!"  But, then I started praying, breathing, and trying to let it go...when I decided not to do that, but in fact, call his boss and talk it through, and also that at some point I would like to talk to him, apologize, etc.  Mainly, I just need my files back, which is another story.

But, what made me change my mind?  Because, I was thinking of all of my friends.  Yes, I loathe and have issues with the massive domination of Facebook in our society, blah, blah, blah, but lately I have been entirely blessed by how much love and support and encouragement I find from my facebook friends, the hangers on (the Franks, we shall say!),  the old ones who have come back into my life and who have never forgot me, and the new ones (Work it, baby!).  I am blessed to have you in my life and to be able to reach out and pray for you and offer you whatever I can give and know that, in some way, you would do the same for me, that you love me.

I thank so many of you (Frank, Corky, Michelle, to name a few) for your encouragement over the years, to seek my own health and wellness and to follow my dreams.

I have learned that I am special because all of you are special.  I have learned that I am funny because, dammit, you are hilarious!!! I have learned about love because of your love for God, for me, for others, for the world.  And so much more!!  I am so thankful for your presence in my life and love all of you uniquely and with my whole heart.

Because of your love and friendship, I have learned about the power of love and faithfulness in my relationship towards God, my husband, and my future children.  As I receive your love, I give back to you the love I have, and realize the picture it is of God's love for me.   In my marriage to Billiam, I see how that relationship mirrors the love, communion, and faithfulness of my Lord.  True love is real and forever.

Honestly, these past few months, I have developed, shall we say, crushes on individuals outside of the marriage.  But, never fear, I am true to my vows in that of, forsaking all others for the Billiam!!!  This has showed me the reality of true love and the difference of lust.  Love is forever and is a choice, a commitment.  Lust is temporal.

But, what it shows me once again, is that ultimate desire I have to be loved, cherished, sought after?  And who better to have that from but from God!!

In a sense, all of you, dear friends, I am infatuated and captivated by your love, your beauty, your talents; and I want to share that with others and the world.  Because of how God loves me and how he wants me to reach others and make a difference, I want you to shine, to go forth and make that difference.  Because, you are special and have a purpose!!!  Once again, you would do the same for me.  You make me special; you make me a rainbow!

So, yes, most of you are far, far away (my FB friends) or even if you are close, our time together is drawing to a close, so I leave you with this prayer:

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face.

And until we meet again,  may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

"there is a friend that is closer than a brother..."