Good Night 2019, Welcome 2020

So, here we are, 2020. And, now I must take a moment to reflect and officially say good night to 2019.

2019, you were a great year. I learned and I grew so much. Earlier tonight at the labyrinth, I learned with what quiet strength and focus I walk now, each step is deliberate and my eyes look straight ahead with certainty even in the unknown. I have so much and so many to thank for that grace given to me. The times of (now) last year, both positive and negative, have richly strengthened me into a better version of myself, stronger, more capable, not afraid to fail, to lose....

Of the losses, I found gains, a deeper understanding of myself. In truth, throughout many times in 2019, I sat with a younger version of myself, 15, 23, 27, looked deep within her eyes, asked her what she needed, her answer was in some variation of, to be seen, to be heard, to be valued. And, I gave her that. It was the loss of Luke Perry that brought a deeper appreciation of myself, my love for Beverly Hills, 90210 long since a forbidden secret, something I was afraid to admit, but the heartbreak of his death, gave me the determination to reveal. As Tori Spelling said, "maybe going back is what we need to move forward" and as I looked back at that time, I found strength in an unlikely Goddess, I realized how much influence that show had given me in my life and even more so, that of Shannen Doherty. I believe spending time with her version of the Goddess gave me a new deeper appreciation of my power and ability to truly #fightlikeabrenda.

My understanding of self as spiritual deepened through the productions of which I was cast, specifically during the spring months through back to back performances in the Vagina Monologues, season two of Nate & Laura & How They Met, and Dixie Swim Club. Through each of these experiences, I began exploring the true meaning of the Goddess and came even closer to knowing and seeing her in all her variety. For those that shared the stage and screen with me, or who helped bring those stories to life, helped me explore the character's story and make it my own, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart through all of me, you are each a valuable facet of who I am, we are one in spirit forever.

To the characters I was given to live truthfully this year, to my Lexie, thank you for showing me that I do not have to hide any part of myself, or be ashamed of how I looked. Even though much of your life was spent trying to change, what you showed me was that truly what you valued was the inside, what mattered was who a person is at their core, and when it was necessary you were there for those you loved, without needing any fanfare. That was such a great lesson.

To my Laura Shelton, I am honored that you came from above these last two years, through my fingertips, and out onto the computer, then the screen...Its been a journey fulfilling your story, learning the lesson you have to offer...as always to be bold, to be of service to your friends, those you love, and live truthfully in your own power.

To my Tootles, my brave little lost boy who, in the end, wasn't afraid to grow up, you helped me understand a different viewpoint of the Goddess, she as Mother. Thank you for that healing. Toots, off you go to your studies, learn all you can, but never give up your childlike enthusiasm! For the Wendy Lady!!

For my Sick fam, my love for you is forever and eternal. As the song goes, I have loved you for a thousand years and will love you for a thousand more...you have my heart for all of time, never shal that change, and I will always be grateful to each of you for your healing strength helping me to find and fulfill my calling. I would not be where I am today without each of you, nor could I have made it through some very dark times.

For my Drunk Ex Pastors & Patron Friends---what's a little religious trauma among friends, huh? Truly my connection to you has made the pain a little more manageable, a little less existant. Thank you for continually showing me that I am not crazy, that I can laugh about my past self, and move onto a better, happier, healthier version of myself. I truly love you, your Sis Not In Christ, Lia.

For my Neverland fam, I will always be grateful for the adventure we took together, the lust to wander as it were, from those early days of Sunday evening workshops to grueling summer rehearsals stumbling through the newness of immersive theater, to the magical world we created, bringing the childlike discovery back to audiences, helping them to truly realize that they do not ever have to grow up. Nor do we, #nevergrowup.

For the cast of One Of Us, I cannot ever thank you enough for bringing this beloved truth of my life to the 'stage' for the first time. You touched my heart to an inner core and held me heart in place when it bled out the pain and healed.

To my new friends at Awake Cafe, I am so happy to be getting to know you. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. I love your enthusiasm and passion for life and your creativity. I look forward to more creative conversations and collaborations in 2020.

For my co-producers in crime, West, Erin, Michael, thank you for your patience, your graciousness, your listening and advice, encouragement, and mostly for your love...it has sustained me and given me the strength I need to persevere. I got you as you got me!

For Michael,I know this year has been transitional and difficult at times. Thank you for the patience and for being humble in your healing and grief. You will endure, your life does matter and have worth.

For my twin flame, that is how I address you because that is who you are and you know this. I am ever so grateful you returned to me this last year, walked into that library room that evening in January as I entered a cafe so long ago...I see now the whole point of our time at the cafe was you...even as we were separated all these years, we never really were, nor shall we ever be. It is a force deeper than either of us that pulls and binds us together, a magical entity that guides us again and again back to each other. Welcome home, my flame, welcome back to another facet of yourself. Do I know what the future will hold? I do not, but one thing is certain, our paths will ever be mingled and connected, of that I can rest assured. I love you as my own being and my own soul, for that you are. Love is not a fiery blast that overwhelms, but truly a slow smolder that never burns or fades. Once again, I am grateful I no longer have to live without you anymore.

Lastly, I thank Goddess and God for revealing the dimensions of themselves to me. For continually helping me to journey deeper and deeper within, to the true contentment of my heart that is my real home. New layers of this understanding keep unfolding as I heal and grow, finding more and more peace and focus.

Good Night, 2019. Welcome 2020! Together, let's focus & see our true power & purpose unfold.

You by A Great Big World

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Thoughts From A Burgeoning Producer

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Now, I know that I'm new at this whole film and media producer, running your own business type of thing, (like only 3 years) as well as working as a or towards being a professional actor, of sorts (like only 7 years).  BUT!  But, I have read a lot of books, observed a lot of the greats,ie the professionals in my local area, and spent a fair amount of time in and out of the audition circuit to understand how this whole thing works.  AND!  And, I know that all situations and circumstances are different, people have differing views on the right and wrong ways to do things, and that I still have a lot of learn (well, don't we all?)

But, here's the thing...

We recently held a casting call for our feature film, Guilt, to be filmed next summer.  At the call, we had an assortment of the usual fair of talent in my local area, mostly young twenty-something female actors, as the main cast is made up of just that.  However, we did have a smattering of male actors show up to audition for some of the smaller yet supporting parts.  Underline "supporting" because there are no small parts, as they say, only small actors.  All parts included in a screenplay should have some value and as I learned in my acting classes every character, whether the lead to the supporting, has an interesting, valuable inner life that colors his or her experience in the story.  

So, we had one male actor make a snide remark in front of the director about the role he was reading for, that the part didn't have a name, etc.  It left a bad taste in my mouth towards that particular actor.  

Here's why: as an actor myself, I have always read and experienced that the notion of being nice and respectful goes further in an audition setting than anything else.  The protocol at an audition, that I have witnessed personally, is to go in, smile, slate your name, do the reading, answer any questions that are asked, say thank you, and walk out the door, not knowing whether the part will be offered or not.  Furthermore, even if the part isn't offered this time around, the high likelihood of being offered another role based on this audition experience is ensured if one facet occurs: were you a nice person?

Its really that simple.  Did you act like a jack-ass and appear entitled or were you just all around a nice guy/girl/nonbinary human?

Over the last year, what I have experienced in my life is an influence of the toxic element of humanity that has at times left me running for the hills, or rather, the comfort of my own abode and/or those individuals whose love I have assured I can trust.  These experiences have not only left a sore spot in my heart but have left me leery in my interactions, not just personally, but also in a business mindset.  

So, what's the take away here? How can you win favor with not just me but also those you are applying for a job or auditioning for a role?

Be a nice human.  Its just that easy.  Try it sometime. 

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Goddess As Mother

Kate Southern as Wendy Darling in Neverland

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This last year has been a transformative year in the realm of my personal spiritual understandings.  For the past 9 years, I've remained sort of 'undeclared' when it came to aligning myself with a certain spiritual idealogy or religion, due to the troubles I experienced while practicing conservative Christianity.  However, the magic of defining my beliefs in the construct of a 'religion' was a journey that led me back to my early roots in my teenage years.  In short, I was led back to Wicca.  

It all started when I was cast in two plays back to back that dealt with feminine empowerment, that of  Vagina Monologues (once again I went down that rabbit hole, or perhaps different holes, as it were), and that of Dixie Swim Club (which chronicles the history of five female friends throughout the changes of twenty years of their lives together and apart) of which influence led me to a deeper understanding of the power of the feminine divine connection within us all.  In addition to that, I was filming season two of my production company's original webseries, "Nate & Laura & How They Met" which highlighted the power of female friendship in helping women pursue their highest calling and purpose in life.  The mixture of all three of these experiences and the characters infused within me gave me a deeper appreciation for my connection to the divine Goddess.  Furthermore, my connection, sometimes postive and sometimes negative, with my female co-stars helped deepen my understanding of the depth of layers within each of us in all of our connection to the divine feminine.

With that, I took a pause after completing all three productions and rested for a few months before heading into rehearsal for the adaptation of Peter Pan, "Neverland" put on by the Applegate based professional theatre company, "Wanderlust Theatre Company".  I was cast as "Tootles", the lost boy.  As I prepared for the role, I originally thought that the lessons gleaned from this production would be that of becoming in tune with the divine masculine, as the spring months had been a focus on the feminine.  But, as is always the case, the Universe had a different lesson to impart.  

Valerie Harper

8/22/39-8/30/19

This last August, the great Valerie Harper passed on, succumbing to her ongoing battle with cancer.  This caused my soul to pause and reflect back on my childhood adoration of Valerie from her 1980's show, Valerie's Family.  In that, she played the warm, funny, engaging mother of three boys.  I admired her greatly and saw her as the epitome of what a mother should be.  If Harry Anderson was my TV dad then Valerie Harper was my TV mom.  (Really, Universe, in 2018 you took my dad, in 2019 you took my mom, thanks a freaking lot!)  

So, the focus on my character, Tootles, took a drastic shift from my connection with my masculine side to my need for a mother.  As I followed the journey of Tootles in his adoration and connection with his new mother, Wendy (expertly played by Kate Southern, see above), I felt the relationship and the story wash over me, rooting itself deep within.  As Wendy gathers her boys around for story time, telling them about the mother's heartbreak over the loss of her children, but enduring patience in the knowledge that they will one day return, I gazed up into the heavens and felt the smiling, watchful eye of Valerie ever watching over me and a healing warmth filled my soul.  

Photo Courtesy of Wanderlust Theatre Company

In this photo, left to right, Tiffany Schechter, Hannah Schechter, Kate Southern,

Brandon Kinsey, Julius Pratt, and Lia Rose Dugal

Most assuredly, it wasn't that of Valerie Harper but she represents a visual of the invisible, that of the divine Goddess.  This time not as friend or sister, but as supreme mother.  And so I say with Tootles:

“I do like a mother's love,” said Tootles, hitting Nibs with a pillow. “Do you like a ... Ah, now we are rewarded for our sublime faith in a mother's love.'---J.M.Barrie

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I say, what adventure shall we have today?

I say, what adventure shall we have today?

Jessica Jae Unker as Peter Pan in

Wanderlust Theatre Company's Neverland

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We spend an exorbitant amount of our days going through the motions.  We check off our lists one by one as we finish our daily chores, after dragging ourselves sleepily from our beds in the morning, groaning.  Then, as the day continues lagging forward, we count the minutes until we can head home, tear off our 'glad rags', curl up in our pajamas, and drift happily into mindlessness as we numb ourselves out before the television or mobile devices, seeking to forget the dreariness of our daily existences.

Is this the life we dreamt about when we were children, anxious to grow up and experience all that life had to offer? Is this truly what life has to offer?

Most of us do not have the fabulously glamorous lives of Hollywood movie stars or IG influencers, but we can recover the magic of our lives if we would allow it.

Last summer, I participated in the amazing production of "Neverland", a debut production from Wanderlust Theatre Company.  Each morning of our Neverland adventure, our Peter, played by the talented Jessica Jae Unker (see above photo) would address myself and the other Lost Boys with this question, "I say, what adventure shall we have today?"  In the play, we'd always come up with some truly outlandish and child-like imaginative adventures, such as hunting the fattest Neverbeast to the greatest make-believe meal you could ever imagine!  

But, one day during the production, a thought flitted across my mind as I was bouncing across the "stage" (it was outside migratory theater) as my character,Tootles.  Why can't I make every day an adventure regardless of the activity? Why indeed? 

Children are like this.  Each day they awake with the magical wonderment of the excitement of the newness of each day.  It's only as they age and continue through life, having more and more responsibilities thrust upon them, that they begin to lose that joy.  As we all grow, we lose sight of the magic of life.

The next question is, can we reclaim it? And if so, how?

I think it starts by daily deciding to make every day an adventure.  Perhaps, we can ask ourselves as Peter Pan did, "I say, what adventure shall we have today?"  Then, as we go about the business of checking off the to-do list, we can look at each moment, each experience, whether minute or trivial, as a little adventure.  As we do this, the magic of life will return in abundance.

That said, what adventure will you have today?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

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Hey, Thanks!

Can't we just enjoy all this food without all this being thankful crap?  

But, in all honesty, the theme behind Thanksgiving, not the history is one of my personal favorites and I value the time spent in repose, pondering what it is we have to be thankful for, making our lists of gratitude either in written form or mere thought over the month of November.  In all truth, its something that should not just be done one month or even merely a day in the year, but every day, to take that pause to reflect, to notice, just what it is one is grateful for. 

Like perchance today, when I was stranded in the hills above Ashland, the truck I am driving precariously resting upon a chunk of ice that left myself and the dog by my side in the situation of either careening into the house below or sliding into the parked car near us, and then three angels emerged from the snowy woods of which I had only recently came from myself.  Okay, they were just three hippie-like citizens of Ashland, but they took their time and had the compassion to lend a hand, even after I swore profusely up and down when I slammed the tip of my pointer finger in the back door, blood spurting everywhere onto the snow.  They patiently chatted to help me out, while I dug through the mess of the truck cabin trying to find some thing to create a make-shift bandage to stem the blood so I could assist their assistance.  And, yes, I found the napkin and taped up my finger, yes, they got me safely off the mountain, as one joked with me, "You are having quite the day." To which I replied, "No, its just a moment."  But, the kindness and non-judgment in that emotional moment for me was what I needed to get back on course.  As I drove off, they chirped, "Til next time" and I responded, "Next time I help you!"

Yes, its pleasant moments like that that remind us that the idea of "the kindness of strangers" is actually a reality. 

So, back to the matter of thanksgiving, eating the grub, and all that about what being grateful.  Indeed, I truly have much to be thankful for this year, having the loving support of many a friend, a warm roof over my head, the cutest kitty ever that sleeps in my bed, being able to create art both onstage and onscreen and see its fulfillment alongside some beloved souls, being paid for what I love to do which gives me a new feeling of appreciation that I cannot fully express or comprehend as of yet, and finally finding the return of the love and magic of life and Ashland. 

But, that is not the arena of thankfulness that I want to discuss right now.  At present, my mind falls upon those individuals who came into my life and proved to be less than beneficial and in some to many ways, toxic in a variety of way.  Yes, I am truly thankful for these individuals and circumstances for showing me that I had the strength to set the boundary and could survive, that I could graciously step back, watch them fade away, and then to see the myriad of strong, loving supportive beloved souls who came about to lift me up as I had lifted them.

It is not only the moments of high achievement and success that I am grateful, but also the moments of hardship, of emotional turmoil and upheaval, that cause me to stop, look, ponder and work through, coming out the other side with a fresh understanding of my own self, my own capabilities, and self worth. 

I wish all the same for you, dear reader, and am deeply grateful for each of you taking the time to read my blogging words.

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Love What You Do

Janice sat down i the cold conference, windowless room at the oval grey table.  She pulled out her pink pen with the streamers and her snappy black hand held notebook.  Across from her sat Toilet Bowl Man who could plunge a toilet in less than 5 seconds.

He wore a red cape, blue jumpsuit with a picture of a toilet bowl emblazoned across his chest, overflowing with a line and a circle covering it.

"Let's begin with your name," Janice asked, getting right down to business.

"Toilet Bowl Man," he promptly answered and then was silent.

"Uh, do you have any other name?" She asked furtively, feigning flirtatious innocence, hoping for a bite.

"None of your business!" he answered sharply.  Janice buried her head in her notebook, sheepishly.  She had heard about the temper of Toilet Bowl Man, when pressed, it could erupt and cause messes that would spill out to places unknown.

"Okay, first question then," she finally said, with a reluctant sigh.  "How long have you been plunging toilets?"

"Since I was a kid," he began with an air of wistful nostalgia and could it be a wisp of a fart fluttered through the air from his direction.  "My mom used my powers then to help her with clogged toilets.  I didn't know it was a super power then, just something I loved to do, felt good."

"That's interesting," Janice pried.  "Why does it feel good?"

Toilet Bowl pondered his answer for a moment.

"It's rewarding," he said at last.  "Watching the toilet de-clog, stuff go down.  Very relaxing!"

Then, he smiled.  And, Janice couldn't help smiling too.

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Love Your Body

Lexie Richards from Dixie Swim Club at Barnstormers Theatre

On New Years Eve, entering 2019, I held a happy and somewhat quiet little shindig at my home.  One of the activities was to design vision boards for the year to come.  On mine, I placed a magazine cut out of a woman's large breasts wearing a lacy bra. No, this wasn't because I was wanting to dabble in any sort of homosexuality leanings, not that there is anything wrong with that, I just don't swing that way.  But, no it was because I was asking the Universe, God, what have you, to bring into my life all that is needed for a breast reduction.  I was ready to do what it took to reduce the balls of flesh hanging from my thin frame.

The thing is, in order to get the procedure covered, you have to prove that its a physical health concern.  And, in some ways, it is, I think. I mean, I do have back pain issues and find it increasingly harder to wear a bra for a considerable amount of time and have to frequently look for new bras as the chest size keeps enlarging itself, although the rest of me appears to lose weight.

Then, in late February of this year, something amazing happened. I got cast in a play that will forever live in my heart, for the character I played (see above photo), the other characters, the bond I formed with the actresses whose stage I shared, the director and crew, and the story-line.  It was at my beloved Barnstormers' Theatre in Grants Pass, Oregon and to date my most beloved role on that stage yet.  The character, Lexie Richards, is a devoted friend to her college swim-mates yet can appear a bit vain, as she continually seeks to stem off the tide of aging by increasingly going under the knife; anything from plastic surgery, breast implants, and buttocks implants.  To this, I joked with my cast and crew, I, the actress, am wanting a breast reduction.  They laughed with me.

But, Lexie, among a myriad of other realities this year, helped heal and transform my views on my body in an unique and powerful way.  Lexie was proud of what she could do to improve her body, yet she was not lacking in intelligence, commonsense, or compassion.  She was a steadfast and loyal confident and companion to each of her four sisters.  She was capable enough to weather many a divorce and to hold a successful business.  In short, she was no ditz.

I took that into my being, as I do any character who truly I become one with, as I continued on in the year.  In my mind, I was still wanting that breast reduction.

But there was a shift in my understanding that affected my desire for the reduction.  I realized I, myself, was hating on my body by wanting this reduction.  I realized that there were still some hold over feelings of disgust from the years of abuse from the church, who basically preached rape culture in that if a guy looks at me lustfully, well, its my fault, and so much more. 

This, and developing feelings for an old flame, led me to a deeper and deeper appreciation of my body as it was given to me.  I have joked with friends that I got my body from my Grandma (who died this last winter).  She, too, was of the top-heavy sort, large breasts, thin every where else, the Barbie Doll Body Variety!  My mother confided in me once that Grandma always had wanted a breast reduction, like me.

But perhaps there is a deeper lesson to learn, one that my dear grandmother Margaret, never was truly able to comprehend.  My large breasts and "Barbie" doll body do not reflect anything negative about me.  My body, this skin suit, that carries all my inner organs about with me, is part of me and always has been.  I can be truly proud as the years have progressed, that I still look as healthy, perky, and, to be blunt, sexy as I do.  This doesn't mean I'm easy or stupid, its just who I am.

For that, I am grateful.  Do I want or need the breast reduction? Time will foretell, but for now, I am growing increasingly more content with who I am and how I look.

Try

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

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