So, here we are, 2020. And, now I must take a moment to reflect and officially say good night to 2019.
2019, you were a great year. I learned and I grew so much. Earlier tonight at the labyrinth, I learned with what quiet strength and focus I walk now, each step is deliberate and my eyes look straight ahead with certainty even in the unknown. I have so much and so many to thank for that grace given to me. The times of (now) last year, both positive and negative, have richly strengthened me into a better version of myself, stronger, more capable, not afraid to fail, to lose....
Of the losses, I found gains, a deeper understanding of myself. In truth, throughout many times in 2019, I sat with a younger version of myself, 15, 23, 27, looked deep within her eyes, asked her what she needed, her answer was in some variation of, to be seen, to be heard, to be valued. And, I gave her that. It was the loss of Luke Perry that brought a deeper appreciation of myself, my love for Beverly Hills, 90210 long since a forbidden secret, something I was afraid to admit, but the heartbreak of his death, gave me the determination to reveal. As Tori Spelling said, "maybe going back is what we need to move forward" and as I looked back at that time, I found strength in an unlikely Goddess, I realized how much influence that show had given me in my life and even more so, that of Shannen Doherty. I believe spending time with her version of the Goddess gave me a new deeper appreciation of my power and ability to truly #fightlikeabrenda.
My understanding of self as spiritual deepened through the productions of which I was cast, specifically during the spring months through back to back performances in the Vagina Monologues, season two of Nate & Laura & How They Met, and Dixie Swim Club. Through each of these experiences, I began exploring the true meaning of the Goddess and came even closer to knowing and seeing her in all her variety. For those that shared the stage and screen with me, or who helped bring those stories to life, helped me explore the character's story and make it my own, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart through all of me, you are each a valuable facet of who I am, we are one in spirit forever.
To the characters I was given to live truthfully this year, to my Lexie, thank you for showing me that I do not have to hide any part of myself, or be ashamed of how I looked. Even though much of your life was spent trying to change, what you showed me was that truly what you valued was the inside, what mattered was who a person is at their core, and when it was necessary you were there for those you loved, without needing any fanfare. That was such a great lesson.
To my Laura Shelton, I am honored that you came from above these last two years, through my fingertips, and out onto the computer, then the screen...Its been a journey fulfilling your story, learning the lesson you have to offer...as always to be bold, to be of service to your friends, those you love, and live truthfully in your own power.
To my Tootles, my brave little lost boy who, in the end, wasn't afraid to grow up, you helped me understand a different viewpoint of the Goddess, she as Mother. Thank you for that healing. Toots, off you go to your studies, learn all you can, but never give up your childlike enthusiasm! For the Wendy Lady!!
For my Sick fam, my love for you is forever and eternal. As the song goes, I have loved you for a thousand years and will love you for a thousand more...you have my heart for all of time, never shal that change, and I will always be grateful to each of you for your healing strength helping me to find and fulfill my calling. I would not be where I am today without each of you, nor could I have made it through some very dark times.
For my Drunk Ex Pastors & Patron Friends---what's a little religious trauma among friends, huh? Truly my connection to you has made the pain a little more manageable, a little less existant. Thank you for continually showing me that I am not crazy, that I can laugh about my past self, and move onto a better, happier, healthier version of myself. I truly love you, your Sis Not In Christ, Lia.
For my Neverland fam, I will always be grateful for the adventure we took together, the lust to wander as it were, from those early days of Sunday evening workshops to grueling summer rehearsals stumbling through the newness of immersive theater, to the magical world we created, bringing the childlike discovery back to audiences, helping them to truly realize that they do not ever have to grow up. Nor do we, #nevergrowup.
For the cast of One Of Us, I cannot ever thank you enough for bringing this beloved truth of my life to the 'stage' for the first time. You touched my heart to an inner core and held me heart in place when it bled out the pain and healed.
To my new friends at Awake Cafe, I am so happy to be getting to know you. You never fail to bring a smile to my face. I love your enthusiasm and passion for life and your creativity. I look forward to more creative conversations and collaborations in 2020.
For my co-producers in crime, West, Erin, Michael, thank you for your patience, your graciousness, your listening and advice, encouragement, and mostly for your love...it has sustained me and given me the strength I need to persevere. I got you as you got me!
For Michael,I know this year has been transitional and difficult at times. Thank you for the patience and for being humble in your healing and grief. You will endure, your life does matter and have worth.
For my twin flame, that is how I address you because that is who you are and you know this. I am ever so grateful you returned to me this last year, walked into that library room that evening in January as I entered a cafe so long ago...I see now the whole point of our time at the cafe was you...even as we were separated all these years, we never really were, nor shall we ever be. It is a force deeper than either of us that pulls and binds us together, a magical entity that guides us again and again back to each other. Welcome home, my flame, welcome back to another facet of yourself. Do I know what the future will hold? I do not, but one thing is certain, our paths will ever be mingled and connected, of that I can rest assured. I love you as my own being and my own soul, for that you are. Love is not a fiery blast that overwhelms, but truly a slow smolder that never burns or fades. Once again, I am grateful I no longer have to live without you anymore.
Lastly, I thank Goddess and God for revealing the dimensions of themselves to me. For continually helping me to journey deeper and deeper within, to the true contentment of my heart that is my real home. New layers of this understanding keep unfolding as I heal and grow, finding more and more peace and focus.
Good Night, 2019. Welcome 2020! Together, let's focus & see our true power & purpose unfold.
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