Me as Tootles from Wanderlust Theatre Company's debut
production of Neverland
Amongst my many soul searching quests these last few years, I have done the inner work of seeking to know the realness of the divine as masculine and feminine. As most of the readers know, I spent a degree of my youth in and around the fundamentalist denomination, Calvary Chapel, and part of my deconstruction of that worldview has been how do I understand this notion of divine and what spiritual path to follow now that I no longer view life as a Christian. (A side note: I still believe Jesus is the shit and worthy of respect based on his own teachings and viewpoints found not just in the bible but in many a variety of spiritual texts and understandings.)
All that to be said, I have listened to a ton of podcasts and read a ton of books that express the notion that the divine contains both masculine and feminine. In my past when I labeled God as "He", I would experience push back from others who believed the divine to be feminine. My thinking at the time and today is that the divine is not merely both but similarly above and beyond that which we know as our limited gender binary system. This is truly reflected in society's changing belief in the conformity of both male and female as many express themselves as nonbinary, transgender, and the like. This is progress and as all change warrants is a transition that causes some upheaval yet that turmoil will result in a new healthier world. I applaud those that express and come out as the journey in this lifetime for all of us is to express and be fully and authentically ourselves, however that may be.
Last summer, I had the honor to be cast as Tootles, the Lost Boy in the debut production of Wanderlust Theatre Company's "Neverland", an adaptation of Peter Pan. The actor preparation started before I was given the part as I reflected on what it meant for me, a very cis-gender female, to be portraying a little boy. Even more interesting to reflect on was that a few months earlier I had the experience of performing in three different productions (two theatrical, one film based) that highlighted the character's individually and relationally of strong female empowerment and, in a very real way, was that of the divine goddess. That spring I found myself more and more empowered by the reality of the divine feminine in all aspects of my life through that creative work. (Still do!)
As I read both the script adaptation and the book written by J.M. Barrie, I began to see that, although Tootles was 100% a little boy, he also carried attributes within that could be considered more feminine. Softer and a bit more fragile than his brothers, Curly and Slightly, he was often teased by his companions. He was delighted, very fond of, and close to his Mother Wendy but equally loyal to his Father Peter, although at times they butted heads. Although he participated in the rambunctious boy games of hunt and sport, he was not as active as those of his brothers or Peter. He was at home with the quietude of domestic life. He loved literature and would often spout off on long, winding monologues of Shakespeare to prove some kind of point or to relieve his anxiety, resulting in the target of his brothers' repulsion.
Tootles with his brothers, Slightly (L) played by Tiffany Schechter and Curly (R) played by
Brandon Kinsey.
It is not a positive attribute of our society that the idea of loving literature and domestic life is seen as more feminine than masculine. Truth be told, I have many a male friend that fall into these traits, however, it must be said my male friends are those that partake in the artistic community, so there's that. But, all that aside, I found in my journey playing Tootles, the inward discovery of the truth of the divine masculine and divine feminine living fully, uniquely, and equally within myself. I may have a propensity to lean more towards the feminine and that is my truth, but I now see that there are positive attributes of the masculine that I know as mine. I credit my Tootles as helping my discovery in that.
With that, my hope is that all can come to this understanding of themselves, whether it be within the construct of divine or just the freedom to understand both aspects of gender within themselves and then be able to live that fully and truthfully. For it is true for all of us, that our most express purpose on this earth is to become wholly ourselves, authentically and truthfully.
Got thoughts on what I wrote? Comment below. I will respond.
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