Who is God, to me?

In my past life, I was a fundamentalist.

I mean, past life in the sense, of the chapter of time prior to moving back to Oregon, the marriage, the divorce, and the name change.  I mean, fundamentalist, not in the current meaning or even in a slanderous way for my more conservative minded friends, but more in the state of emotional being I was in, wound up in striving to be perfect and spiritually impressive to those around, in short, better than the rest of them, all while feigning happiness with a plastered on smile.

In actuality, I was miserable inside.  I was miserable because I was too caught up in what others thought of me and seeking to please those around me, above me with "power over me", meaning the church.  Ultimately, I was miserable because I wasn't honest with myself, who I truly was inside, who God(ess) had made me to be but was trying to be who I was supposed to be: the good little Christian woman who teaches Sunday School, doesn't swear, goes to daily prayer meetings, and uses all the popular Christianeze lingo.

What was I not honest with myself about, ashamed about even, and what I strove so hard to hide from others was myself.  Sadly, I hid from myself even more than from others.

I've spoken about my "bisexuality" leanings.  In truth, I've spent years trying to figure this part of me out.  Would I ever truly want to have sex with a woman? The answer comes back to a resounding no.  But the fact of the matter is, I am still attracted to the women.  This isn't inherently wrong in itself.  I've spent years trying to come to terms with that.  (At one point I was, until I "found Jesus" and was suddenly more conflicted with myself and my sexuality through the influence of the controlling force that is the church.)  Ultimately, I think the new term, or rather new to me, is the concept of pan-sexuality.  No, that doesn't mean one who has sex with pans but rather one who believes that love is possible with more than one gender.  Then, it follows that I am pansexual with a preference towards that male species.  (To be completely honest, I wish that I could be a lesbian at times, merely because women these days seem so amazingly strong and awesome, but alas, its men that attract me.  I think, perhaps, its because their minor awesomeness needs my overwhelmingly powerful degree of awesomeness to seem even remotely as awesome as me, well, maybe.  Maybe, its just that I like cock, who knows?)

But, I digress...

I think also I was trying to hide my heart's desire for choice of career, choosing than to force myself into the pigeon-hole of acceptable women's role as a teacher.  This, as previously mentioned, led to my mental breakdown.  Now, that I have found my life calling as an actress, singer, and performer extraordinaire, I have found the true happiness and sense of self I always knew was there but could never fully grasp.  In short, I am living the life I always wanted but never dreamed possible.

And finally, I am not in need of anything; I am completely at peace with myself.

I think that comes from being completely honest with myself, with the Divine Spirit, and with others.  I do not wish to hide any part of myself and have no real reason for that.  I strive to be the same person on the street, out and about, as I am in my own living room.  This is a lofty goal but a worthy one at that.  I seek to live a life of love and laughter, to love my friends and family, and to make a difference in as many people's lives as possible in the short amount of time I have on this swiftly turning planet.  I desire to be remembered not only as an amazing actress but more importantly as an amazing friend.

I have reached a point in my life where I do not regret any part of my life.  Any of it.  Not one bit.  Not the fundamental crazy years, not the "sex outside of marriage", not the druggie years, not the mad mad bipolar years, not even the abusive marriage ending in divorce years.  Not any of it.  It made me who I am and I can say that I have truly tried to be real and honest with every person that played a part in those chapters of my life.  I can honestly say that to the best of my ability at the time, I sought to "live truthfully" in those circumstances (not just on-stage.)

I have truly loved, truly lived, and laughed a lot along the way.  And cried.  I have found that it is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I feel very blessed with the knowledge that the depths of life I have gone through (good and bad) may be more than what others have experienced, but they have made me richer and more real.

And now, I come to the part where I answer that question, "Who is God, to me?"  I think that that is a question we all must come to at some point in our lives.  Not what the church, our family, or society tells us to believe, but who the divine is to us.  That is the prayer of my heart these days for myself and for all of my friends, regardless of backgrounds and religious leanings or lack thereof.

I never felt completely comfortable addressing God with the masculine because I honestly always believed God to be genderless, or rather, above gender.  But, I have come to the realization that at one time I needed to address God in the masculine in order to heal my "daddy issues" as it were and find a positive father figure.  Now, it seems I am drawn to "her".  For this reason, I now say (s)he or merely pray to the divine feminine.  This now I think to heal any issues I have with my mother and to finally understand my own self worth as a female.  I see this time that we are living as the time of the sacred feminine.  In my journal and prayers, I address the divine as "Lord, God, Jesus, Spirit, Goddess, Universe" and end my prayers with "in the name of the divine".  This is merely concurrent with my own new spiritual discoveries.

It comes to this.  I am happy and finally at peace.  I truly finally believe that (s)he, the Divine Spirit, is not angry with me with my past, present, or future choices.  S(he) wants to aid in my creative endeavors and continue to guide me on the journey s(he) has destined for me.  I trust in her/his will for my life completely.  I know that s(he) knows what is best for my life and more than that has a path of abundance and prosperity laid out before me.

In this, I trust.  In this, I rest.  In this, I have peace.

Only In My Dreams...

Hi! My name is Judy Bishop and I am 22 years old and a student at Southern Oregon University.  I want to tell you about some crazy dreams I have been having...but first, a little about me.

First, I study psychology at SOU, live right down the street from the college on Garfield St. in the lovely Chief Tyee (translation: Chief-Chief, really, I'm serious!).  I live with this lovely roomie, Vhlanoe, a Russian exchange student studying theatre.  One day, a small kitten followed her home and now we are stuck with "Tansy", based on a character she played.  Tansy is interesting, to say the least.

I am originally from Berkeley, CA.  I sort of have a large family, two younger brothers and my mom and dad and our dog, Riff-Raff.  My little sister, who passed when I was 13 (she was 9) named his predecessor and we have just been renaming dogs subsequent to him, this is like the third version.  I guess, its in her honor or something.  Crazy thing is, she visits me in my dreams...in fact, this is the very reason I decided to study psychology as a major, a science I wanted to discover in how far the human brain reaches--Before the first Riff-Raff, we had a dog growing up named Beau, a golden retriever.  He used to sleep in my bed at night, until my mom found out and locked him in the laundry room.  He and I had a soul connection and he visits me in my dreams as well.

When I was 15, I had this boyfriend, Jack.  He as 18 and he almost raped him but I got away because my little brother, Steve, walked in on us.  Thank God!  Since then, I just have stopped believing in anything called "love" and just have "casual sex" with ANYONE available.  Yes, chicks too.

Sometimes though I have this sinking feeling of emptiness, a deep yearning for something more than just sex..a deep soul connection across distance, time, and space.  You know, a true love that lasts.  I, kind of sort of, hope he's out there, maybe I should just be patient...

On that note, I've been having these recurring dreams about this guy I hook up with in New York City, in Central Park.  I mean, really hook-up.  I didn't think it was too odd until I was scanning through my friend, Joey's friend list on facebook and came across this kid, Bob, who lives in Berkeley who looked strangely like the kid in the dream.  Funny he looked somehow familiar, like I might have seem him at the grocery store back home when I was a kid.  So maybe that's where he came from, just a recycled memory or scattered thought I had once upon a time, as the books say dreams are.

However, it was spooky when he told me his name was Bob and even spookier when, just as a whim in the dream, I asked for his phone number.  And when I called it...

Well, you will just have to see what happens, this Sunday evening, February 2nd at 6:30 at Barnstormers' Theatre in Grants Pass, Oregon.

http://barnstormersgp.org/

My Day At Dierk's!

I have yet to write a blog about having celiac disorder or my gluten intolerance lifestyle, even though the web address on this blog says not another blog about celiacs....that is particularly because there are so many blogs out there on such content and as I thought of that idea I realized it was too common, in a word, competitive (the latter of which I don't need any more of than in my life as an actress).  Moreover, I have never fully explained why the address is that, other than the fact that my readers (are you out there?) have seen many titles and topics file through this blog from that of a "former" illness to spiritual beliefs and how they relate to the greatest TV show ever made, (well, one of them) Doctor Who, and now most recently my thoughts on community theatre, character studies and research of that fashion, and thoughts on acting in general.  But, why then this particular address?

The answer, of course, is because about two years ago I took a blood test and found out I had full blown celiac disorder.  I had suspicions of something of this for years before, even thought I was anorexic at one point but really it was the psychological revulsion my body had to foods, whether I ate them or not, not based on calorie content or weight gain.  My body instinctively knew that these foods were poison to me.

A few years back in about 2008, my dear friend, Amber, at a church told me of her diagnosis and discovery of her celiac disorder.  As she explained her journey, it lined up completely with mine in that of the anger outbursts, the crying spells, etc and that conversation stuck in my brain as a possibility until I finally got the prick and subsequent diagnosis in 2012.  (Yes, I had to wait that long for healing!)  Hitherto, I regard Amber as my angel of healing, in a sense, and think of our meeting as not merely a coincidence.  Thanks, Amber!

So, all that to say, I would like to focus this entry on my first attempt at writing a review as it were on a a restaurant I ate at while on a trip to see family and friends in California and to offer the readers a glimpse into the life in celiac-land.

When my dear friend, Oscar Not A Grouch found out I was going to be visiting, he immediately offered to take me out to brunch.  I, of course, explained my dietary restrictions and my concern over the high cost of gluten-free food.  He assured me that he would do his best to find affordable foods that I could eat and suggested we dine at the cafe his brother works at, Dierk's Midtown Cafe in Santa Rosa, CA.  I explained how sensitive I am, in that, foods that have wheat and gluten (even the very surface) have to be completely separated and sterilized from foods without.  (Every time I go out to eat, I not only have to ask the wait person for a gluten-free menu but I ask if the foods are completely isolated from other foods; sometimes I get rolled eyes and snappy remarks as if I am some sort of a prima-donna but of late I find more restauranteers that are not only very helpful but sympathetic to my very needs.)  Oscar and I agreed upon brunch and he invited our mutual friend, Jennifer, to meet us there.

Upon arriving at the cafe (after picking up Oscar Not a Grouch), his brother, Arturo came to our table, assured me he would do his best to make sure the food was the gluten-free as gluten-free can be, and even recommended the best choice on the menu, a fritata sort of thing with tons of yummy veggies, and informed me to ask for it without the regular sauce for that had gluten.  The rest of the staff that waited on us were very friendly and attentive to my needs.  When the waitress brought my meal, the chef had added some special sauces that sans gluten to substitute for the one I had to forgo.

All in all, my brunch at Dierk's was enjoyable and one of the highlights of my trip to California.

There that's my first attempt at writing about celiac's and the woes of dining out.  There most likely will be more from time to time but until then go check out Gluten-Free Girl & the Chef, for starters, or any other the many other gluten-free related blogs on the world wide web.

http://www.dierksmidtown.com/

Vision 2014

Every year, and in fact with every opening of a show, I draw an angel card.  You know the ones that have a particular spiritual based word that is supposed to show a little of your purpose for the upcoming day, month, year, etc.  This last year for 2013 I drew creativity and what a year of an abundance of creativity it was; four plays, three films (small parts but you got to start somewhere), a radio play (which we need to redo), acting lessons, personal and community voice lessons, a ton of play readings, and my debut as a vocal coach.  This past month, I drew vision, which was particularly poignant as the last show I did, Light Sensitive, was about a blind guy (played by that  Michael guy I'm in love with).  The word, vision, got me thinking of what my goals would be for 2014 and more or less what 2014 would be like, and hoping beyond hope that it would be more amazing than 2013 proved to be.

Now, I always take the idea of New Years' resolutions with a grain of salt, as I think the rest of us are prone to do, however, like all of us, I do find myself getting a little introspective about the year that has passed and thoughtful in pondering the year to come (without trying to make too many promises or overly ambitious goals for myself).  More so, I am more reflective on the intensity of 2013 for its great losses and great gains.  For what I have learned, with great loss comes even greater gain.  For starters, this year I have been blessed with finally coming into my true calling as an actress and even more reinvented myself with the new name.  A rose by any other name would smell as sweet is more true than ever imagined.

Furthermore, I think that the year 2013 can best be summed up with the song, "This is the stuff" by Carolyn Arends.  As Carolyn croons, several lines resonate within me, "love and heartache in between", "friends to keep you up all night laughing till you cry", and "dreams to dream, plans to make", those and more naturally reflect what that year became and how it will be remembered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9PE8Qy8Ko

So, what is my "vision" for 2014?  Well, for starters, some are great, some are small.  Some seem more attainable than others but all at this point in the game all are dreams to be fulfilled, such as to continue in theatre & film, become a better singer, get one of my plays produced in some fashion at last, become debt free, save money, and travel more.  All attainable, hopefully yes.  Will they be? Who knows but the point is only to hope and to never give up dreaming, while still taking life one day at a time.  At the end of it all, I may not have achieved all that I set out to do but what I did will probably be even more than I can imagine, and really, isn't that how it always is?

At the most, I dream this new year will bless me with more love, more laughter, more light, a few tears, but many friends and loved ones with whom to share my days, dreams, and hopes.

The "Light" Heals the "Sensitive"

I am Edna Miles.  I am a 38 year old woman still living with my parents in New York City, on 85th and Madison.

When I was 12 years old, I came down with polio which left me with a slight limp and other deformities.  Despite these infirmities, I was quite well and socially adjusted, or just buried the psychological trauma and guilt from my father's mental and physical abuse, however, when I was 16 my brother, Andrew, became sicker due to a complication with diabetes.  Due to my guilt for taking away his treatment from him when I was sick, I became his caretaker.  Through this, I learned how to nurse "terminal" patients by his nursing staff.  I graduated high school but did not immediately go into university until my brother passed when I was 20.

At that age, I went back to school, assuming that I would study to be a nurse, as according to my father that's all I could do and what was acceptable for me.  However, I was never very good in my science classes or my pre-reqs because my heart was never in this.

When I was 21, my father set me up with Gary, a son of one of his associate partners at his law firm.  This was seen as an appropriate marriage arrangement for both families.  Gary had a slight learning disability which made him socially awkward but in the time we spent together he began to bloom.  I dropped out of college at 22 to plan for our wedding, however, two weeks before our wedding I found him in bed with another woman.  I assumed that his unfaithfulness was due to the fact that I wasn't pretty enough, due to my deformity.

After that time, I buried into myself, my church, and my familial obligations.  Several family members got sick and I became sole caretaker until their deaths.  I felt as if I had let my family down in so many ways and became more and more downtrodden as I believed the garbage my father threw at me.  However, deep within, there is still a spark of strength and hope....

Choosing to get involved with the "Lighthouse" is my last ditch effort to prove my own self worth and go beyond what others think of me.

My inner desire is to be the object of one's own affection and that of others.  I seek to be truly seen and accepted for who I am, not what I am supposed to be my others' standards.  The goal for all of us in this story is to escape the suffering and madness that is our own reality and strive to be believe in love and hope.

I learn through my time with Tom that I am a bringer of hope and healing as I have found my own strength to heal and persevere with the eternal hope.  Through my own healing, I am able to pass that hope onto others and to allow them to find their own hope and healing.

I am the Wounded Healer.

Theatre Convivio's "Light Sensitive" opens December 5th at 8:00 pm and runs through December 22nd.

https://www.facebook.com/events/236732986488050/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

Substitute this!

Substitution is the power of making my acting and character development and expansion more truthful in the given circumstances and ultimately more believable.

A few years ago, when I was just starting out in the venture of life as an actress, a friend, another working actress, mentioned to her friend on Facebook that she was using him as a 'substitute' for a monologue.

As I began taking my craft more seriously and investing in classes, I kept this concept vivid in the back of my mind.  Indeed the idea is prominent amongst many actors, performers, and teachers of the craft but not always spoken with the same terminology.  Thus, with every substantial character I have been given I seek to decipher which of the characters can represent real-life relationships.  In this, it helps to have an already keen idea of which relationships, experiences, and memories are the most meaningful and powerful to evoke the strongest feelings from myself as an artist.

In the last play I did, I played a character in an eccentric family, to put it mildly.  Because of these built in structures of relationships in the context of the story, I began the task of delegating these characters to be substituted in my mind to certain significant individuals in my life.  Looking back, the most heart-wrenching and the most believable, at least to me, was the character of Monica, my little sister in the play, who was envisioned in my mind as my soul-sister, Chloe.  Through this, I realized and began to understand on a deeper level the friendship I have with her, that of a big sisterly protective affection.  So, when one of the other characters badmouth Monica, I felt the internal urge to defend her as if someone was spewing out venom on or about Chloe.  Thus, also in the second act, when Monica screams offstage as if in terrible danger, I react with the primal emotion of fear for Chloe's safety,with the underlying subtext, "Chloe, Chloe, I'm coming!"  In the third act, the Monica character speaks of our dead older sister (who I substituted for a former "friend" I struggle with liking plus a former "lover" of sorts of Chloe's) with venom and I defend that person based on the real-life relationship.  When Monica says, "It probably saved the country from a famine", my back story is Chloe saying, "It probably saved the stoner community from a marijuana famine" with my response being (of sorts) "He was your lover."

Similarly, I used the concept of substitution last Saturday for an audition.  For the last few years, I have worked on the song (among others), "Til There Was You" from the musical, "The Music Man".  Once I got the lines down with the appropriate accompanying music, I sought to find the correct focus of emotional representation.  Honestly, I attempted to use the Doctor (See: Doctor Who/Whovian love) as a substitute but even though I adore him in all his regenerations this connection was not powerful enough to evoke any emotional tug on my heartstrings.  In the back of my mind was always the idea to use the cast of "Working"as a mental and emotional snapshot for the song.  The show, "Working" is significant to me because it was my first show, my first attempt at an actual play, testing the waters of my talent, and thus led me to find my true calling.  (In a sense, you never forget your first time...).  In practice, I noticed how each line rang true as a token of gratitude fueled by my memory of the time I had with this assortment of actors and other crazy people.  As I walked into the theatre for the audition, I was fortunate enough to see my sister in the passion of theatre, Ella, and also a Working stiff.  So, I captured her face in my heart (not hard to do) and walked into the Lions' den with renewed determination and sang that song as if to her, representing the entire Working Cast and Crew, singing a song of thankfulness for each one of their existences in my life to help fuel my driver to further my endeavors into my calling...."There was love all around but I never heard it singing....til there was you."

And now, I am at work on a new character for a new play with a full load of dialogue and monologues and thus am searching for the appropriate intentions for my character as well as substitutes of real-life relationships for the other characters.  Fortunately, my male counterpart and lead is my partner in amorous affections and that mirrors the relationship in the show so there is not too much need for differentiation.

But the other character, Lou, is the main antagonist of my journey in his attempts to ruin my relationship with the lead.  He, then, falls into an appropriate substitute for a friend, who I deeply love yet upon witnessing her overall conduct have developed a strong distrust and dislike.  Interesting to note what a strange and complex vessel is the human heart  with its capacity to love and hate in the same instance!  Even though I infinitely trust my boyfriend and also, more importantly, my own strength of character and individuality, I still find a weakness and fear of my heart that she, in her insecurities and jealousies, may attempt to undermine our relationship and thus take him away from me.  Thus, this is my primary motivation and driving force in my relationship with Lou.  Something that I can't healthily express in real-life situations but I can use in an powerful  way for Edna and help to find healing in my own heart on this matter.  There is also a juxtaposition in that I can speak to Lou (substitute my real-life friend) as a mutual friend of the lead in a real matter of fact way about the positive effect I have had on the main character yet to continue to hold the distrust to fight to keep his affections...in a sense different tactics to accomplish the main goal at heart.

In closing, as a dear friend, mentor, fellow actor of the boards, and artistic director of a local theatre spoke into me in our first meeting about acting and life:

"Build up a thick skin but always, always keep an open heart!"

Finding A Place to "Just Stay...."

I am Kira Jones, (my maiden name).  I am 27 and a young mother of two, with another on the way.  Some have called me strong and spirited, but for my part, I just do what I have to do based on what life throws my way.

I was born in the Midwest in the state of Kansas, in a small conservatively minded town with one school for all grades, one firehouse but no police station except the sheriff who came in from the county.  An unincorporated town too small for a mayor but too big for its britches, the locals say.  

I was born into a fundamentally Christian family with strict rules that restrict even the ability to breathe freely.  I am the oldest of the four younger brothers which I pretty much raised.

I left right after high school (I thought that was my only way out of there).  Spontaneously, the night of graduation, got my diploma, walked off stage, threw my cap, and rode off on the back of a harley owned by a guy named Biff, with nothing but a backpack full of clothes, a toothbrush, a wad of cash, and my favorite book, "Walden", and a sleeping bag.  

We went to Napa, California where Biff abandoned me after impregnating me.  I aborted that child...because I had to...but it left an aching need in my heart for a family--

I worked as a migrant worker and a cashier in a local deli and occasionally took some classes at a local Junior college but dropped out because the classes were too dull, not to mention, too easy.  I experimented with anything offered to me from pot, mushrooms, LSD, or different sexual partners of both genders.

I met my ex-husband at a coffee shop on a break from work.  He was with all his friends.  We started hanging out and he gave me a place to stay when I got kicked out of my place.  He was studying to be a cop, which was a strange occurrence in my circle of friends.  We married in under a year and when he had finished his schooling we moved to Oregon.  He began his career and shortly after we had our first child.

...In that first year of marriage, there was a lot of screaming and throwing of things, I didn't leave at first because of the pregnancy and then the baby and besides I didn't know where I could go, thought it would somehow work itself out...but when the child was two, I could no longer take it and I found a way out...

I am searching for a place to land, a place where I can "just stay"...

If you want to learn more about me, look for me in the upcoming local film written and directed by Dru Haskin, "The Last Tipi Village."  (Filmed by Ross Williams & Kristopher Ballard)