I got a sleep divorce from my partner!

 

They will tell you you can't sleep alone in a strange place

Then they'll tell you you can't sleep with somebody else

Oh, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space

Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself

Growing up a self proclaimed romance movie and TV addict, I would watch as the cute, young couples would cuddle down in bed, after passionate love-making, the male holding the woman against his chest and the next shot would be them waking up in the morning in the same position.  (Let's face it, most of the mainstream media reflects heteronormative relations.)  As a young girl yearning for close intimacy, I dreamt of the days when I would fall asleep in my lover's arms and awake in like fashion.  

When I entered my twenties, I had my first live-in boyfriend (against my best judgment and will, but that is a story for another time) and dealt with his snoring which kept me up night after night. Because of this, I developed the tactic of not so gently nudging him to wake him or rolling him over until he would quieten.  This would cause a mere momentary pause in the snoring and other disturbing noises.  As I went on into other live in partnerships, marriage, and serious relationships, I would face this situation again.  The snoring, although seemingly not that loud, the heavy presence of another in bed next to me, where I felt stifled, left me feeling this despair.  Am I doomed to have lovers that snore and disturb my slumber? What of my early childhood hopes of romantic cuddling and co-sleeping? Isn't that the societal norm for happy relationships?

In my current long term live-in partner, I started sleeping on a papisan mattress on the floor of our guest bedroom slash my office about four years into living together.  In the first year together, I would often wake him up from sleeping because of his loud slumber which either of us would grumble angrily and take to the living room couch for sleep.  Although my sleep became steadier and I would awake refreshed, I often found myself feeling shame for needing to sleep apart from my partner.  Even after confiding in one of my best female friends about our sleeping arrangement and having her reassure me that lots of partners slept apart, I still felt this shame over the societal norm that sleeping apart meant trouble in the relationship.  Added to that, came the memory of all those romantic comedies wherein the two lovers curled up in each other's arms happy as can be, I felt shattered over the loss of any hope for this in my life.  I felt like a failure in relationships once again.  Once more, the religious indoctrination of no sex and not living together before marriage that was slowly deconstructing from my mind still clung as hard as it could with enforced painful shame.  So, I had that going for me as well.

As I continued this journey of romantic attachement and sleeping apart, I started looking back at my own history of sleep patterns.  In childhood, I found the littlest noise disturbance or other distraction dehibilitating from my sleep, such as the crickets that chirped outside my childhood country home or even a ticking alarm clock.  Furthermore, when performing in a play down in California, I crashed alongside a good friend on her twin mattress.  She curled up and slept soundly, whereas I laid awake, tossed and turned, slept fitfully, even though she did not make any real noise or do anything that disturbed.  A few years back, when I discovered my polyamorous identity, I slept over a few times with my adjacent partner only to witness a similar effect.  His minor snoring left me staring upwards into the darkness.  Is this my fate?  

When my nesting partner (live-in) and I moved into a new three bedroom place, we were able to set up our own bedrooms each with a bed of its own.  Having my own cozy little abode set up the way I desire it, a place where I can curl up on my own to sleep and to be, has been the highest comfort and healing for my introverted soul, both physically and emotionally.  During the pandemic lockdown of 2020, when all were separated in most activity, I was able to sit with myself and ponder all of who I am, to finally express myself and my innermost truths openly was an empowering revelation.  As I read and studied further into the diversity of relationship, I found that my desire to sleep apart was, in fact, not such an abnormality of something that should be looked down upon. 

In an article written by Amanda Cassidy,  "A relationship counsellor’s take on the ‘living apart together’ trend", (https://www.image.ie/self/a-relationship-counsellors-173117), 62% of couples state that they would like to sleep apart and currently 25% do sleep apart,whether separate bedrooms or even LAT, Leaving Apart Together. Cassidy goes on to report that "we can’t understate the importance of sleep. The amount of work that takes place when we are asleep is vital to our health and wellbeing."  Cassidy quotes from Matthew Walker's book, "Why We Sleep", "if we fully understood the benefits a good night’s sleep had on our body we probably wouldn’t do anything to compromise that."  

Some may say that intimacy may be weakened due to sleeping apart.  However, due to my own self work, therapy, disregarding the stigma for my own personal truth, as well as sleeping separately, the intimacy with my nesting partner has increased and even deepened in a very rich, satisfying way over the last several years.  As Matthe Walker explains, “Anyone experiencing sleep loss because of a partner can expect a big impact on the body and the brain,” he continues. “They will be irritable, unable to perform well at work and lead to a greater malaise."   The lack of sleep coupled with the stigma and feeling of failure in relationship caused a rift and increased bouts of anger between myself and my nesting partner.  A good night sleep has been one of the highest benefits in increasing relationship stability and happiness.

Oh, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space

Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself

My Life by Billy Joel

Articles referenced and used as research:

How Separate Bedrooms Saved My Sleep. And My Relationship.

A relationship counsellor’s take on the ‘living apart together’ trend

Postscript: There is one living being of which I sleep soundly and successfully, that is, my furry feline daughter, Tansy.

Transparen-Me.

 

In a few short months, I will launch upon the world my business's newest service, the life coach and thriving artists workshops.  This coaching and workshops will utilize a variety of artistic means with the intention to birth healing and freedom into the client's or participant's life.  For the last year, I have been busy writing lesson plans and creating a business plan with these new services in mind, updating my social media, website, and business registration with the new name, logo, and means of operation.  Now, with the launch upon me, there is a marked degree of trepidation.  

For the last couple years, even during the pandemic, I have finally found my thrive as a gigworker, establishing myself as a dogwalker/sitter, fine art model, and paid, working actor, resulting in finally feeling stability increasing within myself as well as without.  The act of finally stepping out into a sustainable entrepreneurial life, with past mistakes and setbacks still looming over my head, leaves me with a twinge of anxiety causing me to hold back from taking that risk.

But, risk I shall, because one aspect of all the craziness of the last several years, is that I have become more comfortable in my own skin, with a security in my life and relation priorities, leading to the belief that "you don't have to be an expert, you just have to begin."  Because of this, I have become able to and am continuing to fight off the "imposter syndrome".  (Imposter-Shmoster)

With this newly minted security, I have been able to step back from the toxic and revel in the positive relations and love abounding, finally discovering what true friendship is through the faces of those who have remained or have come into my life bringing with them authenticity and true support.  From those dear friends of mine, I have become to realize that I do have a skill level in helping others to thrive in a very organic and fluid ease of manner.  The core of this natural ability comes forth increasingly from my no longer withholding all of me.

Because of my past history of trauma throughout all of my life, added to that the diagnosis of Bipolar Type 2, I have had a life fraught with a myriad of toxic relations (from familial to romantic and so much in between) causing a life full of despair and drama.  Only in recent years, when with inner strength and resolve I know not how I acquired, I have stood up for myself, said no, turning myself away from all things toxic. 

Furthermore, through this time of the pause in daily life, I have been able to stand in witness to all of my life, recognizing the fullness of the wrongs and harms I caused.  With some marked degree of fear, I have begun the process of revealing all of the harmful and near psychotic ways I have behaved throughout all of my life, with the purpose not of bragging or minimizing, but of truly revealing all of me, showcasing, hopefully, the journey from who I was, whence I came, to where I stand today, more and more self actualized.

So, as I head into this new phase of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, the launch of myself as life coach and workshop facilitator, I know I must voyage in with an increasing desire to be fully authentic, truthful, and transparent in all of what I do.  Knowing fully that some may flee, as I have done such horrific things admittedly, or run out of their own insecurity to not reveal and be transparent, but others will stay, those ready to receive and begin their healing journeys. 

And, with that and my new life motto, "You don't have to be an expert or perfect, you just have to begin," I continue the steps forward in my launch, with gratitude for both the highs and the lows, the victories and failures, of all of me that brought me here today, ready to claim my true thrive and bring that forth for others.  

"For such a time as this" has always been the purpose of my soul's evolution.

My Life

What I choose to do

Is of no concern to you and your friends

Where I lay my hat may not be my home

But I will last on my own

'Cause it's me, and my life

It's my life, it's my life

My Self Employed Life & How I Thrive

 

My life may not be conventional but that means not that it is not busy.  Increasingly, I am finding satisfaction and fulfillment working the gigworker full-time, having an intense workload with all my various paid for hire activities that it all adds up to the full-time affair.  Furthermore, my bank accounts remain faithfully in the black and living within my means begins to increase higher as I decrease my overall debt.

That said, it isn't necessary a path for all.  Some may thrive within the framework of the traditional 9-5, as it were, or rather working for an established business wherein an an employer defines the schedule for the employee.  I am one that did not thrive in this societally approved established way of living, in fact, I lost my mind and was given the diagnosis of bipolar, unable to work the norm due to not being able to handle the stress of it all.

Disability does not cover all my expenses, both the monthly bills and the debt to be paid off, not to mention, you know, good ol' fashion fun, nor do merely pursuing the creative pursuits.  For a year, I attempted to make my way following the path merely of creativity and found that the strain and constant anxiety of not having the regular income to care for my day to day needs over-weighed my ability to create.  Thus, I had to return to the paid gig life and what I then discovered was the balance of producing the content through my creativity and scheduling the time for the many 'money-making' jobs helped secure my overall sense of self worth and peace of mind.  

And, a balance it is,with two planners, one large and one small, and a wall calendar, each filled with markings of dates of employment and other necessary appointments, a myriad of spreadsheets managing my in-flow and out-flow of expenses as well as one for all my debts.  In addition to my 'money-making' and personal expenses, I have a multitude of spreadsheet related to my self-employed pursuits as a film producer and entrepreneur extraordinaire.  

As I increasingly find peace in this destined, long sought after, and finally attained path, I have discovered the art of clearly defining my personal daily and weekly schedule.  EX: I wake up with a clear focus on what I need to accomplish for the day, the week, and the month, a regular list on a 3X4 card on my desk that I check off as I finish a task, filled with the dogwalks, modeling appointments, as well as the entrepeneurial tasks such as monthly newsletters, scheduling rehearsals and film shoots, and content creation for both short-term and long-term projects.  Through all of this, I have discovered what fits for me personally, starting my work day with the variety of tasks around 8:00 am and ending around 6:00 pm; Yes, that's right, coming to a clear time when my brain decides it can do no more of this computer type busyness and must allow itself to freely fall into the evening activity without a care or concern related to the business mind present.

All that success mentioned, I still have moments of anxiety when the income seems to be trickling in slower yet with that there is increasingly less of a worry with the reality that I now always have a means of making the buck, bringing home the bacon, etc, etc etc.  With that, the breath of fresh air is achieved and back I dive into the day's focus.  

In truth, I could not think of a more happier time spent, a life that I was meant for, not the normal daily grind of the rest of American society, due to my health conditions physical and mental that cause some delay in my productivity at times.  I do at times feel the backlash and judgment of the outside world, who see my work as little value because it nor I fit in with the assigned normalcy of career and employment.  This is increasingly becoming less of an occurrence due to this post-Covid-19 reality of which we find ourselves within, wherein many are having to hustle into the gig-worker life to continue to survive, or more hopefully, to thrive. 

However, I do still feel a bit of a pushback when a person employed by the established environ of normalcy has a day off and wants to 'go do something' or the times when I get a message or phone call requesting 'to come and play', a sense of frustration comes across when said individual hears me say, "Sorry, I'm busy," with the underlying 'what do you have going on, your schedule is flexible' theme.  

Yes, my schedule is flexible, but it is, as mentioned above, clearly structurally defined by myself for optimal successful thriving.  Furthermore, I have set aside the days of Saturday and Sunday as non-computer and other work time, in which I attend to the house chores, read, relax, and find time to play.  

I will allow the reality that I have a tendency towards rigidity in my life, a means from the past in order to give some sense of false security and thus something I am continuously striving to lessen the hold.  In addition, with one partner whose days off are currently Tuesday and Wednesday, I must allow sometime for us to truly connect and have scheduled date time for the health of our relationship.  The other partner's days' off are equal to mine.  Thus, living the polyamorous life as a gig-worker is even harder finding ways to balance time for work duty, relationship health commitments, as well as time to love the hell out of friends.

So, at last, what it comes down to, is that life is what one makes of it, one's path is one's to follow towards the highest fullfillment of wholeness of healing and evolution.

. 

What I choose to do
Is of no concern to you
And your friends

                                                                            My Life

My Life, My Choice

 

My Life--Dido

What I choose to do is of no concern to you and your friends

Where I lay my hat may not be my home, but I will last on my own

'Cause it's me, and my life, it's my life, it's my life

Oh the world has sat in the palm of my hand not that you'd see

And I'm tired and bored of waiting for you and all those things you never do

'Cause it's me, and my life, it's my life, it's my life.

I fully recognize how this year 2020 has been one of the most trying for all of us, not just in the United States but throughout the whole world.  I get it, but I also believe that it can inspire a mindshift that is possible to bring about a reality change, both personally and globally.  

That said, in the very early hours of 2020, I set an intention for the year, a goal as it were, that this would be a year of health and clarity, vision.  Setting that intention allowed me the freedom to be flexible as the changing tides of the crazy set in last March and I remained in that place of stability and security despite the upheaval that continued in its enormity this year.  

Being forced to slow down and step back from the daily grind and rat race that I was prone to in the years prior to 2020 gave me the ability to prioritize and set clear intentions for my life personally, my mental wellness, as well as my career and business ventures.  Taking this time to slow down allowed me to find balance which enabled me to find security, stability, and my sense of self worth and validation increasingly within and not without. This afforded me to not only find healing and freedom from past toxic relationships but openly and continually evaluate what I want and value in an interpersonal connection.

That said, there is a tendency in today's society to view relationship as a means to increase our value personally without realizing the importance another person has for themselves.  We, as a whole, tend to look outward from a variety of purposes, for acceptance and a sense of self worth.  Connecting with another becomes less about truly finding union and more about what can I gain from another in order to feel secure within and without.  Yes, relationships are transactional, a give and take, as it were, but too many times I feel we focus on the take and give in order to take more.  This year I have been focusing my energy on giving where it is indeed received freely and not necessarily for my own gain if only for the benefit of maintaining a true and definite soul connection with that other person, seeing their face light up with the fullness of being treasured in their heart by another is truly a gift worthy.

Too many times in recent years, I have witnessed this degree of anxiety in myself that I am not doing enough to win the approval of another.  This year I have realized that the connections that enforce this sense of duty upon me are not truly friends, not deserving of my energy or time for there will never be any real reciprocation of true soul connection, and, in the true fullness of the word, are, in fact, toxic. 

Without pointing fingers, I have realized this in an element of my personal community, that of my local theatre scene.  There is a high propensity in recent years in the theatre community that goes beyond the competitive and political, and is venturing increasingly into the arena of toxic manipulation and abuse.  Too much of the connection is based on what another can gain from me and not an enduring soul connection.  A quid pro pro, I give so I can take, not truly from a lasting place of wanting to freely give and connect.  I realize that this may stem from all of our inner feelings of lack of self worth and needing to find that validation outward to increase our inner calm and reduce the sense of dis-ease.  Regardless, it is a toxic way of life that is no longer beneficial. 

In years prior to 2020, before the slowing down and stepping back of quarantine, I have felt increasing anxiety of never feeling 'good enough' or 'worthy' based on this heightened abusive transactional relationship.  It has increased in me the fears of relationship, abandonment and avoidance issues, and brought further into my consciousness that of my past trauma issues.  This time of stepping back has allowed me to realize the nature of the outward connection, how it relates to my inner tranquility or lack thereof, and what a true soul connection truly means.

That said, I have decided hereto that I will no longer engage either directly or indirectly with those connections which are toxic and know wholeheartedly this will not affect me on a negative level, whether personally or in a career fashion, but know that it will and has brought about a peace of mind, enabled me to strengthen my sense of self worth, and infused me with a new degree of wanting to freely give where I know it will be received without judgment.  

For those that I step back from, please know this is not an attack on you personally and know that I do care deeply for you, your inner self.  This is an attack on a practice, that of toxicity and abuse, that are no longer service to myself, to you, or to the community and world.  I hope for all of us that this year has been more than just outwardly yelling the "Fuck You 2020" but a time of change and re-evaluation of what is indeed important and finding the healing to increase our sense of worth without looking outward.

I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore this is my life

Go ahead with your own life leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong

Don't get me wrong

And you can speak your mind

But not on my time

My Life--Billy Joel

If you have thoughts on what you read above, I welcome your response.  Please comment below. THe Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions