I fully recognize how this year 2020 has been one of the most trying for all of us, not just in the United States but throughout the whole world. I get it, but I also believe that it can inspire a mindshift that is possible to bring about a reality change, both personally and globally.
That said, in the very early hours of 2020, I set an intention for the year, a goal as it were, that this would be a year of health and clarity, vision. Setting that intention allowed me the freedom to be flexible as the changing tides of the crazy set in last March and I remained in that place of stability and security despite the upheaval that continued in its enormity this year.
Being forced to slow down and step back from the daily grind and rat race that I was prone to in the years prior to 2020 gave me the ability to prioritize and set clear intentions for my life personally, my mental wellness, as well as my career and business ventures. Taking this time to slow down allowed me to find balance which enabled me to find security, stability, and my sense of self worth and validation increasingly within and not without. This afforded me to not only find healing and freedom from past toxic relationships but openly and continually evaluate what I want and value in an interpersonal connection.
That said, there is a tendency in today's society to view relationship as a means to increase our value personally without realizing the importance another person has for themselves. We, as a whole, tend to look outward from a variety of purposes, for acceptance and a sense of self worth. Connecting with another becomes less about truly finding union and more about what can I gain from another in order to feel secure within and without. Yes, relationships are transactional, a give and take, as it were, but too many times I feel we focus on the take and give in order to take more. This year I have been focusing my energy on giving where it is indeed received freely and not necessarily for my own gain if only for the benefit of maintaining a true and definite soul connection with that other person, seeing their face light up with the fullness of being treasured in their heart by another is truly a gift worthy.
Too many times in recent years, I have witnessed this degree of anxiety in myself that I am not doing enough to win the approval of another. This year I have realized that the connections that enforce this sense of duty upon me are not truly friends, not deserving of my energy or time for there will never be any real reciprocation of true soul connection, and, in the true fullness of the word, are, in fact, toxic.
Without pointing fingers, I have realized this in an element of my personal community, that of my local theatre scene. There is a high propensity in recent years in the theatre community that goes beyond the competitive and political, and is venturing increasingly into the arena of toxic manipulation and abuse. Too much of the connection is based on what another can gain from me and not an enduring soul connection. A quid pro pro, I give so I can take, not truly from a lasting place of wanting to freely give and connect. I realize that this may stem from all of our inner feelings of lack of self worth and needing to find that validation outward to increase our inner calm and reduce the sense of dis-ease. Regardless, it is a toxic way of life that is no longer beneficial.
In years prior to 2020, before the slowing down and stepping back of quarantine, I have felt increasing anxiety of never feeling 'good enough' or 'worthy' based on this heightened abusive transactional relationship. It has increased in me the fears of relationship, abandonment and avoidance issues, and brought further into my consciousness that of my past trauma issues. This time of stepping back has allowed me to realize the nature of the outward connection, how it relates to my inner tranquility or lack thereof, and what a true soul connection truly means.
That said, I have decided hereto that I will no longer engage either directly or indirectly with those connections which are toxic and know wholeheartedly this will not affect me on a negative level, whether personally or in a career fashion, but know that it will and has brought about a peace of mind, enabled me to strengthen my sense of self worth, and infused me with a new degree of wanting to freely give where I know it will be received without judgment.
For those that I step back from, please know this is not an attack on you personally and know that I do care deeply for you, your inner self. This is an attack on a practice, that of toxicity and abuse, that are no longer service to myself, to you, or to the community and world. I hope for all of us that this year has been more than just outwardly yelling the "Fuck You 2020" but a time of change and re-evaluation of what is indeed important and finding the healing to increase our sense of worth without looking outward.
If you have thoughts on what you read above, I welcome your response. Please comment below. THe Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc. Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions
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