They will tell you you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you you can't sleep with somebody else
Oh, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself
Growing up a self proclaimed romance movie and TV addict, I would watch as the cute, young couples would cuddle down in bed, after passionate love-making, the male holding the woman against his chest and the next shot would be them waking up in the morning in the same position. (Let's face it, most of the mainstream media reflects heteronormative relations.) As a young girl yearning for close intimacy, I dreamt of the days when I would fall asleep in my lover's arms and awake in like fashion.
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When I entered my twenties, I had my first live-in boyfriend (against my best judgment and will, but that is a story for another time) and dealt with his snoring which kept me up night after night. Because of this, I developed the tactic of not so gently nudging him to wake him or rolling him over until he would quieten. This would cause a mere momentary pause in the snoring and other disturbing noises. As I went on into other live in partnerships, marriage, and serious relationships, I would face this situation again. The snoring, although seemingly not that loud, the heavy presence of another in bed next to me, where I felt stifled, left me feeling this despair. Am I doomed to have lovers that snore and disturb my slumber? What of my early childhood hopes of romantic cuddling and co-sleeping? Isn't that the societal norm for happy relationships?
In my current long term live-in partner, I started sleeping on a papisan mattress on the floor of our guest bedroom slash my office about four years into living together. In the first year together, I would often wake him up from sleeping because of his loud slumber which either of us would grumble angrily and take to the living room couch for sleep. Although my sleep became steadier and I would awake refreshed, I often found myself feeling shame for needing to sleep apart from my partner. Even after confiding in one of my best female friends about our sleeping arrangement and having her reassure me that lots of partners slept apart, I still felt this shame over the societal norm that sleeping apart meant trouble in the relationship. Added to that, came the memory of all those romantic comedies wherein the two lovers curled up in each other's arms happy as can be, I felt shattered over the loss of any hope for this in my life. I felt like a failure in relationships once again. Once more, the religious indoctrination of no sex and not living together before marriage that was slowly deconstructing from my mind still clung as hard as it could with enforced painful shame. So, I had that going for me as well.
As I continued this journey of romantic attachement and sleeping apart, I started looking back at my own history of sleep patterns. In childhood, I found the littlest noise disturbance or other distraction dehibilitating from my sleep, such as the crickets that chirped outside my childhood country home or even a ticking alarm clock. Furthermore, when performing in a play down in California, I crashed alongside a good friend on her twin mattress. She curled up and slept soundly, whereas I laid awake, tossed and turned, slept fitfully, even though she did not make any real noise or do anything that disturbed. A few years back, when I discovered my polyamorous identity, I slept over a few times with my adjacent partner only to witness a similar effect. His minor snoring left me staring upwards into the darkness. Is this my fate?
When my nesting partner (live-in) and I moved into a new three bedroom place, we were able to set up our own bedrooms each with a bed of its own. Having my own cozy little abode set up the way I desire it, a place where I can curl up on my own to sleep and to be, has been the highest comfort and healing for my introverted soul, both physically and emotionally. During the pandemic lockdown of 2020, when all were separated in most activity, I was able to sit with myself and ponder all of who I am, to finally express myself and my innermost truths openly was an empowering revelation. As I read and studied further into the diversity of relationship, I found that my desire to sleep apart was, in fact, not such an abnormality of something that should be looked down upon.
In an article written by Amanda Cassidy, "A relationship counsellor’s take on the ‘living apart together’ trend", (https://www.image.ie/self/a-relationship-counsellors-173117), 62% of couples state that they would like to sleep apart and currently 25% do sleep apart,whether separate bedrooms or even LAT, Leaving Apart Together. Cassidy goes on to report that "we can’t understate the importance of sleep. The amount of work that takes place when we are asleep is vital to our health and wellbeing." Cassidy quotes from Matthew Walker's book, "Why We Sleep", "if we fully understood the benefits a good night’s sleep had on our body we probably wouldn’t do anything to compromise that."
Some may say that intimacy may be weakened due to sleeping apart. However, due to my own self work, therapy, disregarding the stigma for my own personal truth, as well as sleeping separately, the intimacy with my nesting partner has increased and even deepened in a very rich, satisfying way over the last several years. As Matthe Walker explains, “Anyone experiencing sleep loss because of a partner can expect a big impact on the body and the brain,” he continues. “They will be irritable, unable to perform well at work and lead to a greater malaise." The lack of sleep coupled with the stigma and feeling of failure in relationship caused a rift and increased bouts of anger between myself and my nesting partner. A good night sleep has been one of the highest benefits in increasing relationship stability and happiness.
Oh, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay, you wake up with yourself
Postscript: There is one living being of which I sleep soundly and successfully, that is, my furry feline daughter, Tansy.
