Corky Gardner: My 2020 Survival Story

My 2020 Survival

By Corky Gardner

I’ve been living the same day over and over. I wake up, talk to a parrot, walk home, do course in miracles and at 8 am I water my garden. In the evening, I go for a walk at the same time. There used to be a creepy guy on my walk and I would avoid him. The next day I walked a faster. The next day I crossed the street to get away from him and said “Get away from me!” The next day I realized he wasn’t that bad of a guy and now when I see him at the beach he says things like “You’re late.” and I can’t be mad. Everyday I see a woman with a white dog, every day there is a man with silver hair that’s gonna be on my left and there’s gonna be a woman on the lawn listening to conservative radio and once in a while there is a topless woman on her balcony with a phone to her ear. Once I looked up to find a man and a woman dressed in sailor suits doing a choreographed dance. Once I saw a middle aged woman on roller blades holding on to a golf cart full of kids. Lots of times there are mobs of children on bikes. 

My dad died in the course of the pandemic. The rules seemed to follow me; no visitors the day after I checked him in, then we weren’t allowed to exercise with anyone but a relative, then we were on lockdown, not aloud to see friends the day after he died. Then they changed the rules so planes couldn’t come and funerals were suspended. When I picked up the ashes they just handed them to me in a tote bag, no hug, no face that I could see. Someone handed me a bunch of flowers like I just won Miss America. I frantically batted them down as I tried to drive a convertible in the wind. Things were not going my way. I went to have lunch at the Panda Garden but they had banned indoor dining so I just sort a had a picnic in the grass and I realized I couldn’t leave my dads ashes in the car so I set them down besides me eating orange chicken in a white dress with a huge bouquet of flowers. The drive-thru cars looked astonished. But I didn’t give a #$%@f. That's one thing my dad taught me. 

Early on in the pandemic, when my dad’s sudden death sent me into a manic tailspin, I was so full of ideas I couldn’t write it all down. So many things I wanted to express but the main lesson I heard from my dad was that he wanted me to live a good life and enjoy myself. It was hard. But I am getting better. Talking to the parrot, going on my walks, creating comedy and music and sometimes essays like these. Connecting with friends and realizing that certain things are inevitable. It’s how you process them that makes the difference.

Corky Gardner is an SOU alumni, comedian and writer living in Lahaina, Maui. She has performed standup for 12 years and has opened for Tom Arnold , William Shatner and Cheech and Chong. For more about Corky, go to: https://www.facebook.com/corky.joan

So, what do you think of Corky's story?  Comment below.  To share your 2020 Survival Story, send it on over to cafegirlproductions@gmail.com.  Include a bio and photo of your choosing for your story.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions,Inc.  For more information, go to:

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When I was Eponine, Part One: Life In A College Dorm

 

On My Own

I gotta admit, the above picture is hard for me to look at.  Why? It was taken during the time I lived in the college dorms at Southern Oregon University, specifically known as the Cascade Complex in Baker Hall, to be exact.  The photo doesn't pain me for where I was living, but the circumstances surrounding the moment it was taken.  I was hanging out with my best guy friends and my college boyfriend, who was very abusive to me, verbally speaking.  My college boyfriend, that is, not the guy friend, well one of them was and is extremely cool and still in my life to this day, the other proved to be of a similar calibre to the boyfriend, of which pains me to admit.  Thus, examining this time of my life seems a perfect fit for today's entry, for it was a big portion of time of which I existed as "Eponine" and her view of the world about her.

This week I spent some time at the old college dorm haunt.  (I call it a "haunt" not merely because it is, suspected to be, haunted, but in the romantic sense of the word: Haunt: noun,a place frequented by a specified person or group of people."I revisited my old haunts"). 

Why did I spend time there this last week? Well, I was working for the local branch of the nursing program, Oregon Health & Science University, of which is currently housed in my old stomping ground and former college abode, the "Cascade Complex".  

The Cascade Complex resembles little of its former glory, as it is continually prepped for its eventual demolishment, and so to, my heart is preparing for this reality by opening myself up to release a stage of my life from which I have left.  

As I walked through the halls, debilitated, stripped bare, empty with my footsteps echoing off the ceiling and down the passage, I am surrounded by the memories of who I was and I feel her with me as I sojourn. The reality of the place as it is today resembles the loneliness of her troubled heart, wrought with an everlasting depression, a shell of a girl, craving an existence of external validating source that would provide sustaining love and security, yet never truly discovered or acheived.  As I visit with her, remembering her joys and heartbreaks, all of who I was when I was her, all that I did, the friends made, our laughter and conversation presently soaked as a memory deep within the walls, I implore directly to her heart that all things will work out, not necessarily how she desires or plans it, but it will unfold in a beautiful and powerful way.  The pains she carries about with her, the depression weighing her down greatly, will be the source of her greatest power and strength.  She will overcome, becoming whole, healthy, increasingly on her journey towards wellness.  Because of the heartbreak and suffering, she will surrender to her truth. 

This reality, this overwhelming truth, is not within her grasp of contemplation, for she is still within her Eponine phase.  Yet as hard as it is to view her, with my need to rescue, I cannot, for the Eponine Phase is a vital process to find the ultimate true selves, innermost peace, and power within.  I cannot and must not seek to derail her journey, for I know that every single step and circumstance, however it may have wounded, led me to who I became and am today.  There was a very significant reason for each moment, celebratory or tumultuous.

So, I allow myself then to simply join her as she and I become one once again and finally.  I accept her as she is, for that is what she truly needed.  I walk with her, through the familiar hallways of the old haunt, singing the depth of emotion in her "Eponine" aching cries.  Throughout that journey, healing transpires.

Re-Visiting My Eponine

I would love to hear your thoughts about your "Eponine" phase or thoughts on this blog.  Comment below and I will respond.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions and find out more about us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Youtube.  Also, check out our website at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com

Afternoon Walks In College

In college, I lived as close to campus as I could without living in the dorms.  Just minutes away, I'd always walk to and from class, coming home sometimes between classes for lunch or to change my shirt, grab a book or notebook I needed for class.

In the evening, walking back from the day's hustle of university life, I'd pass by this old yellow house.  At the time, an older man and his wife lived there.  They usually had a few cats and a dog about in the yard while he worked in the shed out in the backyard.  I always smiled at him as I passed.  A few times we'd say hello and once awhile we'd talk about how our day had been and what we had done.

I cannot remember what his name was or anything else like that but I just remember how nice he was and how much I valued that time passing by seeing him at work in his yard, at different times of the year whether it be the coolness of early winter evenings or the early warmth of spring.

A few years back when I was freshly returned to Ashland, I happened to pass by again and saw him once more in his yard, this time much older and moving slower, bent over that much more.  I stopped again and told him how I remembered him from my college days, how I always loved this house, and held a fondness for the days I would pass by after school in the evenings.

He smiled and invited me in to show me around his old house, that had been in the family for years.  He showed me the original oven and the rooms.  We sat and talked before I had to continue my journey home.  It was a moment of peace during a time of my life that was in beginning the road to emotional upheaval, when I was trying to cling to any sense of normalcy I could.

About a week ago, I happened to walk by and noticed the "For Sale" sign on the door.  My heart broke a little, knowing I would never see him again out in his yard working away, never stop to smile, and chat about the day.

Thus ends a chapter of my life.  You never know who or what will make a difference in your life, shape your heart.

The Shape of You

Shakespeare Speaks!

"Love can comment upon every woe."---The Bard

I picture myself as Hero here, shaking my head over my cousin, Beatrice's vain attempts at keeping herself from love.  At times, we all do that, trying to rationalize away our feelings in order to protect our hearts from hurt.  But, in the end, whether we allow the love in or strive to push it off, the hurt will inflict.  The difference is, whether we enjoy the benefits of our love along the way or not.  Love hurts but it doesn't have to necessarily end in heartbreak and farewell, but even when in does, trying to keep love away hurts more in the end, for we are left without the fond memories of love's delights.

"By heaven, I love thee better than myself."---The Bard

As in response to the last quote, admitting to yourself and to the one you love reaps an enormous amount of benefit than any possible embarrassment that comes in the process.  By being honest with ourselves and our feelings, we deepen our sense of self and strength as well as further develop our connection to those we love.  In the end, our overall satisfaction in life deepens to a level we would have never imagined before. 

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."---The Bard

Lastly, admitting with an honest intensity the immense depth of your love for your beloved helps to maintain the security of the relationship, for both yourself and for the other.  In that security, trust is built, which brings about a depth of intimacy that further develops as the relationship continues.

So, The Bard had some good things to say, he wasn't just speaking prose and flowery language.  If we really listen as we read, the powerful truths of life and philosophy can reach out to us across the centuries.

These lines taken from my next production, "Shakespeare's Lovers" directed by Southern Oregon University students, Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hays.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/

What I'd Do For Love

I am Isabella, the sister of Claudio but also one committed to seeking to understand the spiritual realm.  I have begun the process of dedicating my life to the sisterhood, to become a bride of Christ as the saying goes.  In this, I commit my life to purity.

But, really, what choice do I have?

Claudio, my brother, is my best friend and the only family I have left in the world.  In a very real sense, he is my hero.  He is the one who cared for me all my life after our parents passed.  When as orphans, we were transferred to live with our begrudging aunt, our father's sister, and her family.  This family never fully accepted us but treated us as one step above servanthood and considered their responsibility to us as a mere duty.

When my brother met and fell in love with Juliet, our adopted family suddenly found him of more importance to them, as Juliet's family was one of wealth and social prominence.

Now that his fate is secured, it is time for me to branch out on my own and set purposely forward for my security.  My fate, then, sealed within the confines of the church.  But, this has not always been my desire.  Surely, I have a devotion to the things of the Lord but more than that I have always longed for the love and affection of a husband.  But, in today's society, a woman of my social position cannot hope for much more than what's she's given.

Thus, somewhat unhappily, I resign myself to my 'calling'.

Until I am approached by my brother in desperation, who is committed an act of treason, sexual intercourse before marriage, and is doomed to death by the government.

In this moment, the tables are turned and I am the one that needs to be the hero, for my brother.

Hero

Find out what happens on October 4th, 8 pm at the Bellview Grange as I play Isabella in "Shakespeare's Lovers" directed by Southern Oregon University students, Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hays.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/

In Search of the Dream

"Poor Lady, she were better love a dream."---William Shakespeare

Here I am, Hero, realizing what love truly is, a give and take compromise and hard work when it comes down to it, not the fairy-tale romance I once longed for.  There I see my cousin, Beatrice, fighting against this dreaded truth that she indeed loves Benedick.  The longer she fights against it, the harder her life becomes as she desires only a perfect human that is non-existent in this world.

I see now that loving someone is not merely built on fantasy, but on loving them for all their faults and flaws.

But, then when I think of who I am, in spite of my love for Claudio, imperfect that he is, I realize that in order to be true to myself, I must never give up loving that dream, however far-fetched, and that that is what makes life worth living.

"Straight on kisses' dream."---William Shakespeare

These lines are excerpts from my upcoming production of "Shakespeare's Lovers" opening October 4th, 8 pm at the Bellview Grange in Ashland, Oregon.  The show is directed by Southern Oregon University students, Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hays.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/

Confusing Love.

"Give me some counsel."--William Shakespeare

Can one just put themselves in the shoes of Juliet Capulet? That is one of my first jobs as an actress, when I am given any character and begin reading through the script, how can I relate to this character so that her story is true through me?  

I've been where Juliet is, we all have after all.  In those awkward early stages of love and infatuation in our younger days, trying to sort out who we are, our plans, our goals, amidst the raging hormones of passion and lust.  Added to that Juliet's issues with her beloved's family and hers in violent opposition, things would get more than a little murky.

But, Juliet does the right thing here, even if all goes to hell in the end.  She does what we all should do, but usually is our last ditch effort.  

She asks for counsel, then follows through on the advice of the Friar.  So, it didn't end the way they exactly had planned, but she did her part.  

So, a lot can be said about Juliet.  She is more than just a love-sick, naive teenager; she's savvy enough to not let herself get carried away in the emotional upheaval of young love, be drawn away by the bitterness of family feuds, or act irrationally in any other way (that's her Romeo's job).  She thinks things through, seeks guidance, and acts from there.

She's a smart cookie and deserves more than just a passing glance.

"Shakespeare's Lovers" is directed by Southern Oregon University students', Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hays.  It opens October 4th, 8 pm at the Bellview Grange in Ashland, Oregon.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/

There's a "Hero" in all of us!

"As I may be all-girl, all-woman, that doesn't mean I'm a shrinking violet or lessen my strengths, abilities, need for independence, or free thinking.  In fact, its the opposite, it develops the need deeper within.

I have goals and dreams, beyond falling in love with a man and settling down.  I don't mind having that but I also want more.  Unfortunately, the way my society dictates, my existence as a woman is entirely dependent on being a wife and mother.  But, maybe that's why my name is Hero, to be the change this world needs for all women-kind.

 A definition of Hero is as follows:

a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal

However, my world is turned upside down when I actually end up falling in love with Claudio.  I try to play it cool but after he leaves for battle, I realize my predicament.  I can only think of him, miss him, and realize now fully that part of my destiny is to be aligned with his life.

Upon his safe return, I am ready to stand by his side as wife and life partner, a giant step for a woman with my mindset, who was ready to defy convention and go against the grain of societal forces.

How do I understand this in myself? Well, as I explained to my cousin, Beatrice, its not something I fully understand myself, only that this power of love pulls me toward Claudio.  Furthermore, I feel so much that I know him and can trust that he will allow me to further pursue my ambitions and passions."

Hero

Hero is a character from the William Shakespeare's, "Much Ado About Nothing", of which scenes are used in my next production, "Shakespeare's Lovers", directed by Southern Oregon University students, Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hayes.  The show opens October 4th, 8 pm at the Bellview Grange in Ashland, Oregon.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/

Revealing Richard

"And if she did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly."---Richard III

I am the maid-servant of Lady Anne, named Margaret, her life-long companion, friend, and in many ways a sister.  I always hold her best interests in every fashion, romantically, emotionally, and even societally.

Deep down, I feel her anger and depression over losing her beloved husband and sons but also her loneliness and desperation.  I know there is a need to maintain her position within the court in whatever way possible.

With that, we both realize that aligning herself, albeit unhappily, with the usurping King Richard is the best way to do this, hoping that in this way we may contribute to his downfall and to bring about revenge.

In my mind, that is the only real reason for this union.

"Shakespeare's Lovers" is a play directed by SOU students, Jonathan Pratt and Ceara Hayes and opens October 4th, 8 pm at the Bellview Grange in Ashland, Oregon.

https://www.facebook.com/events/593542484117589/