I gotta admit, the above picture is hard for me to look at. Why? It was taken during the time I lived in the college dorms at Southern Oregon University, specifically known as the Cascade Complex in Baker Hall, to be exact. The photo doesn't pain me for where I was living, but the circumstances surrounding the moment it was taken. I was hanging out with my best guy friends and my college boyfriend, who was very abusive to me, verbally speaking. My college boyfriend, that is, not the guy friend, well one of them was and is extremely cool and still in my life to this day, the other proved to be of a similar calibre to the boyfriend, of which pains me to admit. Thus, examining this time of my life seems a perfect fit for today's entry, for it was a big portion of time of which I existed as "Eponine" and her view of the world about her.
This week I spent some time at the old college dorm haunt. (I call it a "haunt" not merely because it is, suspected to be, haunted, but in the romantic sense of the word: Haunt: noun,a place frequented by a specified person or group of people."I revisited my old haunts").
Why did I spend time there this last week? Well, I was working for the local branch of the nursing program, Oregon Health & Science University, of which is currently housed in my old stomping ground and former college abode, the "Cascade Complex".
The Cascade Complex resembles little of its former glory, as it is continually prepped for its eventual demolishment, and so to, my heart is preparing for this reality by opening myself up to release a stage of my life from which I have left.
As I walked through the halls, debilitated, stripped bare, empty with my footsteps echoing off the ceiling and down the passage, I am surrounded by the memories of who I was and I feel her with me as I sojourn. The reality of the place as it is today resembles the loneliness of her troubled heart, wrought with an everlasting depression, a shell of a girl, craving an existence of external validating source that would provide sustaining love and security, yet never truly discovered or acheived. As I visit with her, remembering her joys and heartbreaks, all of who I was when I was her, all that I did, the friends made, our laughter and conversation presently soaked as a memory deep within the walls, I implore directly to her heart that all things will work out, not necessarily how she desires or plans it, but it will unfold in a beautiful and powerful way. The pains she carries about with her, the depression weighing her down greatly, will be the source of her greatest power and strength. She will overcome, becoming whole, healthy, increasingly on her journey towards wellness. Because of the heartbreak and suffering, she will surrender to her truth.
This reality, this overwhelming truth, is not within her grasp of contemplation, for she is still within her Eponine phase. Yet as hard as it is to view her, with my need to rescue, I cannot, for the Eponine Phase is a vital process to find the ultimate true selves, innermost peace, and power within. I cannot and must not seek to derail her journey, for I know that every single step and circumstance, however it may have wounded, led me to who I became and am today. There was a very significant reason for each moment, celebratory or tumultuous.
So, I allow myself then to simply join her as she and I become one once again and finally. I accept her as she is, for that is what she truly needed. I walk with her, through the familiar hallways of the old haunt, singing the depth of emotion in her "Eponine" aching cries. Throughout that journey, healing transpires.
I would love to hear your thoughts about your "Eponine" phase or thoughts on this blog. Comment below and I will respond.
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