Deconstruct/Reconstruct

Deconstruct/Reconstruct: The Story of My Personal Spiritual Transformation

It has come to this at last.  A place I would never thought I would be when I started the journey to deconstruct, freedom from the entrapment of mind control that at one time held me captive within the confines of mainstream Christianity.  For years after, as I have documented and shared openly in many ways, including this blog, I sought to understand, to explain, to find connection, to heal.  At last, I did.  The process was tiring, at times I felt more lonely than I had ever been in my life previous, but finally I can say that all that travail was worth it because I have found connection, understanding that I am not alone in the mind control and repression that occurred, and throughout that healing that came forth, I have been able to forgive my captors, as it were.

So, I do not want to focus on that, rehash all of that.  For the most part, its in the past.  

Today, I want to focus on this new phase of my journey into my spiritual identity.  At present, I am defining my own belief structure, one based on a myriad of other practises and personal studies.  Like the meme above says, I have read many a book that stimulates and soothes my soul, helping to release the painful bondage from my past captivity, and bringing fresh insight to who I am.  These studies range from a vast repertoire of spiritual religions and practises,to books on psychology and self-growth, all which have slowly helped to regain my sense of self and more so healed me to become better, to become truly whole.  My skin is a place I feel increasingly comfortable and at last my heart is truly where I am home.  

The journey has led me to a deeper understanding of myself, helping to describe outwardly what I have been carrying with me inwardly for all of my life.  Empath, is one external term that explains myself and with gratitude I bear that title.  Through an abundance of new found faith not found in the confines of the church, I have cast off my the restrictions of social norms of work and life and moved fully into self-employment guiding me towards creative and financial freedoms.  

What is this spiritual walk I now follow? It is difficult to say nor do I seek to convert and conform others to my way of life.  There is no need to define or seek any sort of teacher to lead, guide.  Perhaps its my own sense of the divine that is all I need, I'm not sure, I'm still reconstructing inwardly what I believe that divine is,  male, female, nature, myself.  

But, as I take this journey, I realize now that I do not need to define or explain myself.  I walk quietly with focus in the ways I am being led.  And, being led, I am.  That is all I truly know, that I am being led, something within or without, perhaps both, is guiding me, is showing me that I have a purpose and a place in the Universe, that I am loved and that I matter.

I am glad that I am here and am thankful for what came before, even the fundie years.  All of it shaped my understanding of the divine, of spirituality, what it is and what it isn't, for me personally.  In the end, our spiritual reality is unique to every one of us and we are the only ones that can define our path.  I believe now the journey to wholeness and peace is life-long, to accept ourselves fully and find ultimate peace within.  

For now, that's all I really need as I journey through reconstruction. 

Brave