Perhaps way back in my long-ago past and youthful imaginings, I sought to hide the imperfect flaws of myself, but to avail. They always had a unique way of revealing themselves at the most inopportune times, well, when is a good time to reveal one's weaknesses or faults when you are trying to live a life behind the mask?
I am a woman living with a mental health condition. I have bipolar, anxiety, have struggled with body dysmorphia and anorexia, and a variety of post traumatic stress related to religious trauma and domestic abuse. This is the truth and who I am. I have shared all of this before and am very open about all of it. What you see is what you get; I am, when all is said and done, an open book. If I can help one person with my transparency, one person to find awareness and healing for a better life, I've done a pretty good job at this whole living business.
That said, I have been reflecting upon my not so perfect past and the ways I have behaved mostly with wonderment of where I am today. I would never have believed then that I would overcome that reality and be who I am today. But, in a very real sense, I realize that those I was interacting with at that time, could very well use this past me against me. Yes, I have apologized and meant it, done my best to change into a better me. Becoming that better me became about looking at the root causes, the reasons not excuses for my behavioral choices.
For starters, I have to give the juicy, not so pretty details of who I was in my past. I was and am a person prone to violent anger, mostly if I have not had sufficient sleep, rest, proper exercise, or even more, proper diet. (Before I found out I had Celiac Disease, my emotional reactivity was extreme!) I have lashed out at others verbally slewing hateful and emotional abuses through face to face interaction and on the telephone, either through voice mail messages, direct communication, or text messages. I have physically attacked others, aggressively hitting, punching, throwing random items. I have even visualized myself carrying a loaded weapon into a church intent not on killing but on threatening someone I presumed had wronged me, in my deranged and emotionally shattered brain. (I didn't do it!)
I say all this, not to scare away the friendships I have acquired recently, but with hopes that they will deepen by seeing my vulnerability and honesty as a gem for the relationship. I am here to say that you can recover, overcome emotional disabilities and mental health issues, rising above to a place of creativity and truly thrive. But, its a journey and one that must be faced, minute by minute, with honesty of self and patience as we learn to understand who we are and how to best serve ourselves. Learning to truly learn ourselves takes time, takes a lot of personal healing to overcome the abuse, both from self and others, we allowed into our existences for so long.
I have been on this journey. Through the process, I have meaningfully apologized to those I have wronged, to make amends truthfully for my own peace of mind, not necessarily for the restoration of the friendship. So, when I say there are reasons why I behaved this way, it is important to distinguish these as not excuses. I do not claim that my angry tirades were anything but abusive as the majority were directed to those innocent, unknowing, and not understanding. After my apologies, I have moved onto better myself, wishing these individuals well with their lives. That's all I can do.
But, as I have progressed in my journey, I have learned that these past behaviors had very discernible reasons, which may or may not be taken as truth by those that I have wronged. They may want to maintain the reality that I am abusive in my mental illness and not only unable to recover, but full of sin. That may be, either way, it is their choice to believe and live that way. But, by stating these reasons, I do not mean to make excuse or take away the weight of the emotional harm I caused. Its a fact of my past and as I have said I have moved on, continuing to heal, grow, and deepen my healthy self.
The basic theme behind my lashing out was due to my empath abilities, like a sponge, absorbing all the emotions both positive and negative around me, and not having an outlet or being able to truly understand the extent of all of it. As an empath, I would allow myself to be in situations and relationships where I played healer, most often to those that were undeserving, took advantage, and became abusive, manipulative, controlling, all too often discarding me when I no longer served their purposes. This greatly reduced my self-worth as I grew more and more in the inner belief that that was what I deserved, my ideas of authentic love were skewed by the reality of hate. I would continue the pattern of involving myself in such relationships, from family, friends, church interactions until 2013, on Oscar Sunday, when I kicked my abusive husband out of my life, saying good bye not only to an long standing deep friendship but also to a type of lifestyle I had always lived.
As I worked through the pain of heartbreak through the months and years that followed, I learned more and more that my choices had shaped not only my beliefs but my self worth. Choosing to allow myself to be in toxic relationships and interactions (yes, even the tiny encounters you have with, say, checkers at the supermarket can be influential) shaped my belief of self worth which led to my reactive outbursts. For me, years of not having a voice, of having my emotions and thoughts devalued, of not being allowed to pursue who I truly am, having to sacrifice my own dreams for those of others decree, led me to react in the ways that had been shown to me throughout all of my life. Even more so, my empath self reflected outward the hate that was flung so wildly at me, which led to more need to silence and contain me, which led to more discomfort and lashing out on my part. It was an endless cycle that needed to be broken, and it continues to do so.
So, there you have it. That's who I was and is a part of me I carry around as a beacon of my own survival, showing me where I have come from and truly the greatness of what I can accomplish. This past self no longer defines me much as the abusive element does anymore. But they are all valuable life lessons I carry with me and ones that I am no longer ashamed of, nor feel define who I truly am. For those that seek to bring these up, it will only be a means of silencing me as I will not cease to speak of the injustices done by those abusers in any regard in my past. Even more so, I will speak out on these with the sole benefit of helping those that are still in the throes of the torture, yes, even those I targeted due to the abusive element, with the hopes that the abused will find their way out, in whatever fashion that may be.
Ultimately, I believe life is about pursuing one's ultimate and best self, fully whole, healthy, alive, and with a deep sense of inner peace.
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