What's God's last name?

Goddess Power Awakened!

Way back in the day, when I had newly emerged from the hold of Calvary Chapel yet was still mind-numbed by the effects of their teaching, I heard a woman ask this as a joke, "What's God's last name?" she asked with a smirk on her face.

The answer, "Dess".  As in "Goddess."

With my Calvary training, I shuddered inside, due to the church's teaching that any comment against God was a spiritual attack and proof that the world hated all things Christianity.  I have since learned this to be a blatant fallacy and an untruth not founded in any sense of reality outside the confines of the world of Calvary Chapel.

However, the point of today's entry is not to recount the mental abuses of Calvary but to openly explore my new understandings of the Goddess, or rather the Divine Feminine, and how it is shaping my understanding of self, my discovery of my worth, and ability to give and receive love in all my doings and relationships.

For starters, this is a new venture of my life, as I am in this state of transition to what I am still uncertain of, yet am in no real hurry to know the final outcome.  That's new.  Usually, I need the answers right away, the lesson to be learned now please!  But for now, I am more than at peace with the blessing of living in the moment, basking in the newness of knowing the Sacred Feminine in all her forms she reveals to me, whether it be an actress I share a stage or screen with as we tell a beautiful story of women empowerment and friendship, women coming together to uplift and strengthen one another.  In truth, my understanding and receiving the divine feminine has healed my past negative hurts from women and provided an openness and acceptance of women as friends.  Moreover, I am increasingly able to truly look at all aspects of myself, both the positive and yes, the not so positive, the flawed, the toxic, the negative.  Through examining all of these, I am able to start to heal, open myself up to more avenues of creativity, wholeness, and love.

Through this time of expanded awareness, I have delved deeper into my understanding of my self worth, from realizing my lack of ability to accept love when it is given, even to go so far as to hold the belief that I am unworthy of such offering, and then once I have worked through that hardship, starting to build up a sense of worth when it comes to the issues surrounding all things money related.

For most of my life, I have held the belief that not only am I not good with money but am truly undeserving of acquiring wealth, or even living a stable, comfortable life. There are so many root causes of this, from the church's influence of living off the promises of God, some left over remnant from childhood trauma, a backlash from an outdated standard of society where women are to be subservient to men, and lastly the notion that artists are made to struggle and merely survive, not thrive.  Yes, I have been looking at all of these as the Goddess infuses me with her strength and love to bravely face the anguish and empowerment of the healing path.

Lastly, a dear old friend has once again resurfaced into my life in a way that has awakened the healer within as well as a new understanding of how deep, broad, open love can be.  Through this the facets of the Goddess emerges in a new fashion, shining her light on the path before, as our hands reach for each others, our lips meeting, embracing in the power of sexual healing.

What I'm Worth: $

Yesterday, I had an amazing revelation.  I've always had this rocky relationship surrounding money that is all wound up in my worth.  Inside of  me toils the need for money, the outward desire for abundance and, yes, opulence, while within me, stirs the belief that I am no-good with money and even more so undeserving of any kind of financial stability or wealth.  I hold this belief from society's influence on the whole "starving artist" viewpoint that artists are bound to suffer and only be hailed as genius after their death, from the church's dominating mindset that we should serve without asking for anything in return all while they passed the collection plate around, and indeed even from my childhood upbringing views on money.

So, yesterday...

I am at work, looking through my scant finances, trying to make twenty dollars stretch itself to the limit, anguishing over the concern over gas, bills, rising debt, and other expenses, sending angry thoughts out to all those who have held me down, detailing and agreeing with the years I was told how unworthy and bad I am with money over and over...when it finally hit me, it's up to me to define and set my worth around money.  That possibly the biggest reason I struggle and have such a deficit, a lack, is I do not accept my financial worth and abilities surrounding money. 

For that reason, I made the clear decision to stop that line of thinking and start whole-heartedly believing that I am full of worth, ability, can and will thrive in that arena in my life.

From my studies of various spiritual and psychological texts, also from my own varied experiences, I have come to the conclusion that our psyche is whole and at peace only when each area of our life is satisfied and balanced.  To be brief, we can only have peace when each area of our life is in balance.  If one area is insufficiently out of whack, we struggle in other areas.  This is when misery and depression rise up to drag us down.  This is essentially why such practises like talk and group therapy to help get us out of our heads and focus on the core issue which, in turn, helps us to re-center ourselves, heal, find wholeness, then balance. 

That, my friends, is the essential goal in all of our life's pursuits, or should be.  No matter our focus, desire, careers, our one main goal should be striving to heal and better ourselves, centering ourselves more and more until not only do we find peace and balance within, but no matter our circumstances or surroundings, we find home. 

On The Other Side Of Hope

One grows up with certain expectations, at least in the American social construct.  That of, to get into a good college, find a good life-partner/wife/husband, buy the house with the garage, crap out the kids, etc etc etc.  So, onwards into our lives we go with those societal expectations influencing our every move of what a happy successful life is to be.  But, what of it when we pass those guideposts, coming out on the other side, we find it lacking? Where then is the hope of living to be found?

Full disclosure: This is coming from a woman with both a bachelors in science (A BS in Human Communication, y'all take that!), an advanced degree in teaching (which she will never use but still has to begrudging pay off the loans from it), has once walked down the aisle of wedded bliss, said "I do", then rather, "I don't", and has the divorce papers to show for it.  Furthermore, this from a woman who was diagnosed in 2006 with Bipolar, who struggled with and fought hard to overcome her emotional and mental difficulties, to finally being able to use her mood disturbances for the greater good in bringing fulfillment to her creative desires.  This also from a woman who spent just shy of ten years in a fundamentalist mainstream Christian church, having left, dealt with the fall-out from the pain caused by the deconstruction of her faith and loss of what she thought were her forever friends.

Yes, by all intents and purposes, I should be jaded.  But, I'm not.

Because when it comes down to it, what our society and culture deems success and happiness falls flat against the true purpose of one's life, does not hold up weight against the greater scheme of the Universe's design.  Now, please don't think I'm trying to sound piously religious or even spiritual, remember I left that all behind (see above paragraph).  However, I do believe that the trappings of this world are mere constructs of our own desire for happiness and peace, not the real deal itself.

A dear friend of mine from college and I have a special title for the our hang out nights whenever  one of us is visiting the other, we venture forth into the world for "No Fucks Given Night".  This is not to say we are not dissuading the other from any sort of romantic sexual encounter, rather we are talking about our well-being and overall viewpoint of life.  Because when life has dealt its fair share of bad hands, when you've overcome the difficulties of life that are myriad and plentiful, the daily activity of life becomes less of a complication or cause of anxiety.  Basically, having all your sense of idealism shattered, coming out on the other side brings an awareness not only of your strength but also your internal understanding of self.  This brings about not only a sense of peace and calm but true happiness despite the outward circumstances. 

Thus, as life continues forward, and you find yourself without the manufactured societal enforced hopes, you can bravely say, "No Fucks Given", for you have found the true happiness found within, from having those external promises dashed and broken before your eyes, you come out on the other side of hope, existing more than you ever thought possible,  more than you could have ever dreamt possible. 

Rise

Goddess Arrives

Here she comes.  The Goddess Within has arrived, is arriving, in a much larger, more powerful way than I could have imagined.  As I continue throughout life, being present to the life-lessons given to me by the great beyond, the wizard in the sky or god, or some may say, the Universe, I find myself coming more fully into myself, into my own power. 

This spring I have been fortunate to be working on and cast in three different forms of artistic expression that centers around female empowerment, from the Vagina Monologues, to my original web-series with a female heavy cast, Nate & Laura & How They Met, to my next theatre production out this April, The Dixie Swim Club.  In all of these, I am surrounded by in abundance, powerful, fully charged women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and varieties that help to charge me to my fullest energetic self.

Needless to say, it has been an extremely inspiring season with all this healthy feminine energy being absorbed into me, filling me with the strength to make the right choices and to learn from, lean on, and listen to the ever-present guidance of the Universe.  

The most essential lesson is that I find myself becoming more and more aware of myself as a Goddess or even the Goddess, rather infused with the Deity of Goddess within all of us, or at least extremely aware of it.   At present, I cannot give the exact name of what particular Goddess fits this description other than to say its the wholeness of the Goddess in all her forms, filling, embracing, and empowering me. 

Lessons that are overflowing within my heart are the need to receive as much love as is given from me, to cease devaluing every part of myself and thus allow for complete healing of my younger and present selves (see previous blog entry, "Healing 15, 23"), to start to understand and redefine what my needs and wants are involving romantic relationships in this new phase of me as fully self accepted and self confident human being, and now increasingly I feel the need to explore the notion of sexual healing.  The latter two seem to relate and are still a shadowy picture yet to be defined, fully explored, understood, but I know that in the weeks and months to come, they will find resolution and more of myself will reach empowerment and understanding.

However, recently I have come back into close recurrent contact with an old flame (somewhat platonic, nothing beyond hand-holding has occurred) and it has brought up the old memories of who I was when we were together.  As I have expressed to him, I am truly not the same needy, emotionally clinging, empty heart waiting for a hero to fill, girl he once knew.  In her place, arrives an increasingly self aware, confident woman more like a queen than a princess. 

For that, I dedicate to him and to this time of my life, this song:

You Should See Me In A Crown

Healing 15, 23

Increasingly in my life recently, I have felt as if the veil has been lifted, between the physical and spiritual realm.  Fresh insights and understandings heighten my life as I encounter the occurrences of daily life.  The most meaningful lesson of my life thus far this year has been the experience of finding healing and freedom within different ages of me.  

For instance, having a showcase of my original play, One Of Us, performed at a local play-reading brought back into my life a friend and former flame from the time of life the play is very loosely based upon.  This relationship started around age 23 and by restoring a friendship with this man, this red-head, I have been able to re-examine the part of myself that once fell for him and the reasons behind the relationship's demise, namely the church's intrusion in the matters of my heart.  As I struggled with these feelings, my 23 year old self asserted herself.  

"Please," she explained.  "Just let me explore this without worry, concern, or influence.  I never got that before, its very therapeutic."

So, as a good enlightened older self, I listened and let her have it, and thus the healing has begun, then as it is now.  

This last Monday, March 4th, my poor 15 year old self was dealt a heart-break of her own kind.  One of her teen heart-throbs, Luke Perry, died of a massive stroke on that day, finding this out after a morning walk where the Universe gifted me with a stock pile of heart shaped rocks.  Love in abundance, let me tell you.  

 As the shock waves erupted over me due to that loss, I was once again back into the reality of my teenage self.  I meditated upon the significance of this show in my early life and how, like most things in my past, I have been afraid to proclaim my love of and admiration for it.  As I sat through my pain, my 15 year old came to me, distraught, sobbing, at a loss for words, insisting that I buy her '90210' t-shirts as a memorabilia.  I tried to explain that the finances were not really available for this special treat, but at 15 she was still not clear on the concept of finances and the issues surrounding money.  She sat begging before me, unable to understand her emotions.

My 23 year old self was a little more understanding.  She was a recent graduate of college, was working a full-time job, had rent, and other financial issues to attend to, so thus all she requested was to hang out with the boy, maybe to grab a cup of coffee or a drink with him sometime.  Okay, that's it.  We can do that.

But, as I looked over at my 15 year old self, I took all of her in, recalling everything that was her world back then.  She had already suffered the heartbreak of two boyfriends leaving her, one of which who had bounced into a relationship with her so-called best friend, maybe an hour after giving her the big dump.  One of her other friends had disappeared off to Chico with her boyfriend and just vanished from her life.  (You  have to remember this was basically pre-Internet or cellphone, so there was no real instant communication, unless face to face.)  Her siblings had all gone off to college, leaving her at home alone with her parents.  She was trapped up on a hill above a very small rural vineyard-filled town.  She was very much alone and very much depressed, and if she hadn't already, she had made her first suicidal gesture.  She'd spend much of June, laying in her bed, unable to move until 12:00 pm, when she would begrudgingly pull herself from bed, until the Prozac kicked in and elevated her mood, a bit, just a bit.  Beverly Hills, 90210 was more than an escape, but just as much apart of her understanding of the world as her physical surroundings.   Added to this, death is a lot more intense than having an old flame return to your life, especially to a young naive 15 year old girl who had yet to experience the reality of mortality.  

So, yeah, I gave in and bought her those t-shirts and immediately the crease in her brow relaxed, the crying lessened, she sighed deeply.  It wasn't that that I had spoiled her rotten, instead I had allowed her to feel heard, which made her feel she mattered, which lessened the extent of her far-reaching pain.  So much of her life, and mine, I have spent personally de-valuing me and allowing myself to be devalued by others, to not share myself in fear of being rejected, losing out on love.  That same day, I made the public announcement of my love for Beverly Hills, 90210, another facet of acknowledging my younger self and releasing myself and her from living in any sense of shame.

Its just a TV show after all, from the 90's.  But, the act of proclamation runs deeper than that.  Its proclaiming with pride who I am, what I value, and receiving love from those who equally value me.  Its allowing myself the freedom to express myself and the reassurance of being heard, thus my value and self-confidence grows exponentially.

When death comes in, I always am gifted with a valuable lesson by the one passing onward.  I feel grateful that by his passing, Luke Perry helped me to acknowledge a deeper love and appreciation for myself, a willingness to be open, vulnerable, and truthful.  Basically, allowing me to come into myself more fully and be truly me.  I am eternally grateful to him for that as well as the entire cast of my beloved teen favorite TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Rest In Power, Luke & much love to his cast-mates, many thanks, 15 year old Lia!

Death Is Nothing At All

Here's the thing.

So, here's the thing.  I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. 

Perhaps way back in my long-ago past and youthful imaginings, I sought to hide the imperfect flaws of myself, but to avail.  They always had a unique way of revealing themselves at the most inopportune times, well, when is a good time to reveal one's weaknesses or faults when you are trying to live a life behind the mask?

I am a woman living with a mental health condition.  I have bipolar, anxiety, have struggled with body dysmorphia and anorexia, and a variety of post traumatic stress related to religious trauma and domestic abuse.  This is the truth and who I am. I have shared all of this before and am very open about all of it.  What you see is what you get; I am, when all is said and done, an open book.  If I can help one person with my transparency, one person to find awareness and healing for a better life, I've done a pretty good job at this whole living business.

That said, I have been reflecting upon my not so perfect past and the ways I have behaved mostly with wonderment of where I am today. I would never have believed then that I would overcome that reality and be who I am today.  But, in a very real sense, I realize that those I was interacting with at that time, could very well use this past me against me.  Yes, I have apologized and meant it, done my best to change into a better me.  Becoming that better me became about looking at the root causes, the reasons not excuses for my behavioral choices. 

For starters, I have to give the juicy, not so pretty details of who I was in my past.  I was and am a person prone to violent anger, mostly if I have not had sufficient sleep, rest, proper exercise, or even more, proper diet.  (Before I found out I had Celiac Disease, my emotional reactivity was extreme!)  I have lashed out at others verbally slewing hateful and emotional abuses through face to face interaction and on the telephone, either through voice mail messages, direct communication, or text messages.  I have physically attacked others, aggressively hitting, punching, throwing random items.  I have even visualized myself carrying a loaded weapon into a church intent not on killing but on threatening someone I presumed had wronged me, in my deranged and emotionally shattered brain.  (I didn't do it!)

I say all this, not to scare away the friendships I have acquired recently, but with hopes that they will deepen by seeing my vulnerability and honesty as a gem for the relationship.  I am here to say that you can recover, overcome emotional disabilities and mental health issues, rising above to a place of creativity and truly thrive.  But, its a journey and one that must be faced, minute by minute, with honesty of self and patience as we learn to understand who we are and how to best serve ourselves.  Learning to truly learn ourselves takes time, takes a lot of personal healing to overcome the abuse, both from self and others, we allowed into our existences for so long.

I  have been on this journey.  Through the process, I have meaningfully apologized to those I have wronged, to make amends truthfully for my own peace of mind, not necessarily for the restoration of the friendship.  So, when I say there are reasons why I behaved this way, it is important to distinguish these as not excuses.  I do not claim that my angry tirades were anything but abusive as the majority were directed to those innocent, unknowing, and not understanding.  After my apologies, I have moved onto better myself, wishing these individuals well with their lives.  That's all I can do.

But, as I have progressed in my journey, I have learned that these past behaviors had very discernible reasons, which may or may not be taken as truth by those that I have wronged.  They may want to maintain the reality that I am abusive in my mental illness and not only unable to recover, but full of sin.  That may be, either way, it is their choice to believe and live that way.  But, by stating these reasons, I do not mean to make excuse or take away the weight of the emotional harm I caused.  Its a fact of my past and as I have said I have moved on, continuing to heal, grow, and deepen my healthy self. 

The basic theme behind my lashing out was due to my empath abilities, like a sponge, absorbing all the emotions both positive and negative around  me, and not having an outlet or being able to truly understand the extent of all of it.  As an empath, I would allow myself to be in situations and relationships where I played healer, most often to those that were undeserving, took advantage, and became abusive, manipulative, controlling, all too often discarding me when I no longer served their purposes.  This greatly reduced my self-worth as I grew more and more in the inner belief that that was what I deserved, my ideas of authentic love were skewed by the reality of hate.  I would continue the pattern of involving myself in such relationships, from family, friends, church interactions until 2013, on Oscar Sunday, when I kicked my abusive husband out of my life, saying good bye not only to an long standing deep friendship but also to a type of lifestyle I had always lived. 

As I worked through the pain of heartbreak through the months and years that followed, I learned more and more that my choices had shaped not only my beliefs but my self worth.  Choosing to allow myself to be in toxic relationships and interactions (yes, even the tiny encounters you have with, say, checkers at the supermarket can be influential) shaped my belief of self worth which led to my reactive outbursts.  For me, years of not having a voice, of having my emotions and thoughts devalued, of not being allowed to pursue who I truly am, having to sacrifice my own dreams for those of others decree, led me to react in the ways that had been shown to me throughout all of my life.  Even more so, my empath self reflected outward the hate that was flung so wildly at me, which led to more need to silence and contain me, which led to more discomfort and lashing out on my part.  It was an endless cycle that needed to be broken, and it continues to do so.

So, there you have it.  That's who I was and is a part of me I carry around as a beacon of my own survival, showing me where I have come from and truly the greatness of what I can accomplish.  This past self no longer defines me much as the abusive element does anymore.  But they are all valuable life lessons I carry with me and ones that I am no longer ashamed of, nor feel define who I truly am.  For those that seek to bring these up, it will only be a means of silencing me as I will not cease to speak of the injustices done by those abusers in any regard in my past.  Even more so, I will speak out on these with the sole benefit of helping those that are still in the throes of the torture, yes, even those I targeted due to the abusive element, with the hopes that the abused will find their way out, in whatever fashion that may be. 

Ultimately, I believe life is about pursuing one's ultimate and best self, fully whole, healthy, alive, and with a deep sense of inner peace.

You Can't Pick The Parts You Want!

 In my life currently, I am in a continuous place where the veil between reality and the ethereal is fluttering open, making me all the more aware and present of the truth beyond the visible.  To help explain, last Sunday I had a both painful and profoundly growing experience. 

Currently, I am a part of the first ever Vagina Monologues in Ashland (well, that not of any affiliation with the college).  Its been amazing to be once again apart of such a beautiful production, fourth time is a charm, right? I love to see how the beautiful stories are spoken each time in a dynamic and different form through the different voices sharing the stage alongside me.  The time before I felt a very tight kinship with the cast, one that continues strong to this day.  Sisters for life, to be certain, myself being the big sister in that bunch.

This time around I am not the big sister, more like one of the middle sisters, or something of that fashion.  Its been inspiring to see the words come forth out of multi-generational women, as the years enhance understandings of the truths on the page that bring out deeper meanings and layers.

Okay, back to my most profound and painful experience.  Last Sunday, we had our dress rehearsal.  It was the first time the majority of us were together.  There we were under the lights and hearing the show play out fully, each monologue flowing after the other.  Now, I had mistakenly forgot to call in a prescription (I have since then received it) on Saturday, so the effect of not having the medicine was enhancing my already sensitive soul.  As the monologues tumbled together, the truths my sisters' shared were awash of emotions over me.  By the end, I was felt as an exposed nerve, raw and fragile. 

The girls around me were buzzing with activity and because of my current emotional state I kept fighting the trap of feeling wounded, doing the mental gymnastics of continually reminding myself, its all in my head.  Now, I know truthfully that none were upset, that I was in that raw, emotional place and my sensitivity was not truly known to them or understood.  I do not have any hard feelings towards them, rather my heart is all the more in love with each.  Here's why.

After rehearsal, as I climbed into bed to sleep the night away, allowing my emotionally drained mind a necessary respite, I had a sudden revelation.  Emotions are not scary but necessary lessons to awaken us to deeper truths.  We all have the tendency to flee out of fear when the opportunity of being hurt rises up, for whatever reason, and in that to begin to distrust, devalue, even dislike.  As I lay there in my bed, overwhelmed with feelings, I decided to accept my emotional state and in that to accept not only the girls of whom I share the stage, but all people as they are moment by moment.  For, unless we are known narcissists lacking empathy, no one is perfect, all are capable of positive and negative emotions.  All can love, all can hate.  To truly be in relationship, we have to come together in honesty, accepting all parts of each other.  In reality, "you can't pick the parts you want" (quote from the monologue, Hair). 

I think the beauty of the Vagina Monologues is not only helping individual women find healing, wholeness, and empowerment, but bringing about true healing between the relationships women share.  For my part, my interpersonal relationships with my gender have often been fraught.  Each time I do the Vagina Monologues, my heart softens and not only am I able to forgive myself, the women in the past who have wounded, but open myself a little more to the beauty of authentic female friendship.  In that, I began to rise to the full length of my being.

In the words of the monologue, "The Vagina Monologues", I believe knowing women can be reflected:

"The thing that surprised me the most was all the layers.  Layers inside layers, opening into more layers...It was better than the Grand Canyon, ancient and full of grace.  It had the innocence and freshness of a proper English garden.  It was funny, very funny.  It made me laugh.   It could hide and seek, open and close."

Vagina Monologues

With A Little Help From My Friends