First off, I want to clear the air and let you all know, no, I'm not strangling my kitty in this photo. This is my childhood kitty-cat, Jamocha Almond Fudge, with me around age 13. She was attempting to get a way while my friend was snapping a photo of us, so thus I have this historically misrepresented photo of my life as a cat strangler, which I am not.
The magazine photos of Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth do reflect the validity of my unending adoration and fandom for all things Beverly Hills, 90210.
Okay, so that's out of the way, now onto the meat of the message. Why am I sharing this bizarre photo of my younger self? Well, to continue the thread of the Eponine deep dive, by highlighting my early adolescent years and the pre-pubescent desires that emerge at that time, spear-headed on by a lifetime absorbing Hollywood and Disney films of unending romance and approval gained only in connection to another. In so diving into this, I want to utilize the 14 year old character, Kate, I play as part of the OHSU simulated patient gigs I do.
So, Kate Williams is 14 years old, having recently moved from West Virginia to Oregon to live with her paternal grandparents because her father has recently been deployed. Thus, her whole family and life is uprooted, which includes her, her mother, and her little 10 year old brat of a brother, Drew, at the tender onset of her adolescence. Added to this stress, her mother's instability begins to show, she is a frequent no-show in the new family home arrangement, in fact, doesn't really live there at all. On top of all that, she is now starting her first year of high school, new school, new environment, no friends....Sound familiar? First Day Of School!
So, all of this is pretty heavy, right? Kate seems to manage it all fairly well. Into her new life comes Jamie, a fellow freshmen boy who loves the same things Kate does. As Jamie and Kate forge a platonic friendship held with the mutual love of gaming and texting, Kate begins to develop deeper feelings for him. However, it is not meant to be as Jamie is currently in a relationship to another girl. Ah, there's the rub, the classic unrequited love we all have learned to deal with and more so fancy in our tragic Eponine years. Perhaps, this longing for what we cannot attain and connect with has to deal more with our unconscious belief of our unworthiness of love and that love is not real if its not fought for. After all, didn't Pat Benatar tell us that "Love Is A Battlefield"?
So, yeah this is what we are taught, force-fed through the media and our cohorts in the early life journey of romance. Ultimately, it infuses in us that others' approval and acceptance is what is needed to accept and approve of ourselves. The need for external validation begins early in life, thus which makes it difficult to unravel as we continue forward in our evolution. However, through a lot of hard emotional work, it is possible, I guarantee it. I Guarantee It!
But healing and emotional growth takes time, but all can be mended and we learn from each circumstance we encounter, each relationship begun and ended in whatever fashion is a vessel for our own strengthening if we only would allow it. When I was attached to the Fundie church, they used to tell us how living the pure life was what was needed to ensure a healthy marriage and that by dating around, meaning promiscuity, we were, in effect, shedding pieces of our heart that were rightfully meant for our future spouses. However, I do not in all truth believe that because I can say with a marked certainty that every relationship and connection, whether platonic or romantic, has only deepened my sense of self and helped to enlarge my heart, not weaken it. (A side note: all the church succeeded in doing with thus was heighten my already sense of shame and disconnect with my body and heart. Nicely done, I say sarcastically. )
Here's the thing, going through the struggles of our Eponine existence, the rejection and heartbreak of unrequited love, can, if we allow it, be the catalyst that helps strengthen and develop our own sense of self worth, innermost strength, and self acceptance. Thus, those we choose to give our hearts, whether accepted fully or not, even if these connections end in gut-wrenching despair, are the lessons needed to guide us deeper into a true stability of self resolve.
The biggest lesson I have learned from playing Kate, as I dwell within the drama of her current world, that of the minor issues of being a fourteen year old as well as the major issues with her family and home life, I recognize her immense strength she has in perseverance and staying positive. However, the take away for me, for my younger self, for Kate, and for you, gentle reader, is that "It's okay to not be okay."
It is a way too prevalent reality in society that we hide our true feelings and are not honest with our emotions. Just in the very automatic question of "How are you?" is the equally responded "Fine", without true consideration of how we really are. This reality is false and a detriment to our individual as well as collective souls. I believe a large part of the evil in our society is due to the disease caused by burying our emotions and hiding our mental impairments in shame. This is a lesson we learn very early in our lives, almost as soon as we emerge from the womb.
Step into the light, come out of the shadows. Let's all admit openly our pain, our flaws, our weaknesses, and so doing find comfort in our mutual brokenness, building one another up to a renewed wholeness full of non-judgment and inner acceptance.
For those of you in the throes of your Eponine struggles, this may be difficult to surmise, but for someone on the verge of moving beyond, I can attest that the heart break and pain I endured has passed and has provided me with an inner strength, peace, and self acceptance I could not have developed if it weren't for those struggles. Thus, the years spent as Eponine are crucial to becoming a whole person, not just in romantic connection outward but also for our own inner relationship with self.
And, finally trust yourself in the process, feel your feelings, and know this as truth:
"It's Okay To Not Be Okay!"
So, what are your thoughts on this? Comment below.
The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc. Find out more at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com and support at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions
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