Thoughts on the New Year & the Old Year passing.

It is not what will 2015 bring, but moreover what will I bring forth, in a sense, birth through my own thoughtful intentions and focus.  This is what I have seen happen throughout my journey through 2014, and even the many many years previous, putting forth the focused energy and intentions of one's own desires brings forth the fruition of those desires, call it prayer or mindfulness what have you, it works.

Recently, I have been feeling as if the year slowly fading away was not as fruitful as I had wanted it to be, but upon careful reflection I realized my focus was too much on financial prosperity and not on what is most important, namely all the spiritual, emotional, and creative growth that transpired.  In all truth, I have developed in ways I could not imagine, as a person and as an artist, spiritually developed a broader mind and a more open heart full of compassion for all people and have been able to offer forgiveness to my past self and those who have wronged me--and that sense of self doubt I felt was focusing upon too much my need for financial wealth (not that financial stability and independence are in themselves wrong) but that which is more important is my own self worth as a woman and an artist.

Truly, I think the most profound gift I have gained from 2014 is 'freedom', in so many facets, such as the freedom to explore myself, to make choices based on my likes and dislikes, my ever-growing spirituality, my creativity in all its forms, and finally the opportunity and the space to heal from past hurts and abuse.  It is that that has been the best of 2014, for me, and has made the most resounding impact.  That alone, then, is the most important goal going forward for 2015.

Of course, there are the other goals, or rather resolutions, that we all make as the year comes to the close with another around the bend, one of which for me is, in fact, financial independence, stability, and prosperity.  Most notably to finally at last be 'debt-free by 2016 and to finally at last be off disability with my own career and self-generated income (without having to ever work again the dreaded 9-5, the very thought of which leads me screaming hysterically into the night, a horror film in my own mind).

Then there is the basic lists of resolutions, the ones that we all want and not just that in the New Year.

First, I want to read more, say a book a week, well maybe.  With an eye focused more on the classics, you know, finish the Lord of the Rings series, finally slog my way through Paradise Lost (I wrote a script where the main character reads that in hopes of a return to her own Paradise Lost), to read the Hugo's Les Miserables in its entirety to truly find out if that story is not just merely about a guy who chased another guy for 40 some years because he stole a loaf of bread (obsess much?), and of course to become a full-fledged Shakespeare Snob (like my friend, Raven, who I mention with all due respect) by reading through all of his works.

Secondly, I want to sing more and not just privately, but I want to be known as a performer in this way.  I want people to seek me out at parties begging me on bended knee to please, please sing for them.  Well, maybe not that far, but the point is, I want to sing more.

Thirdly, I want to dance more for art and for fitness because simply put its fun.  Well, also I really want people to seek me out at parties begging me to....okay, I won't start that again.

Next, I want to do the play, The Glass Menagerie, somewhere somehow.  If I could choose just one play to do this year, well, that would be the one.  (Hear that, Richard?)

Next, of course, more films, more modeling gigs.  You know, honestly I want to do something where someone really big and famous says "Hey, whose that girl?"  A girl can dream, can't she?

Then, I want to travel more for work and play, as much as possible.

Lastly, I want to be able to shower my loved ones, family, friends, Michael with an abundance of love and affection.  More importantly, I want the freedom and the privilege to do this for myself without judgment from self or others.  In this, I hope to continue to grow and deepen an appreciation for myself, thankful for who I was and where I came from but moving forward always not looking back.

This year, I will find myself more and more as I truly am, come what may, highs and lows (as what has come) and I will continue to thrive as, The Rose.

The Rose

Have a great 2015! Happy New Year!

Meet Carla Gehry

I am a single mother raising my biological son, Kevin, who is 5 and my niece, Dareen, who is also 5.  My sister gave up full custody of her daughter to me, as she was unable to care for her, well, she chose a really bad boyfriend over her baby girl.

Taking in Dareen has been more of a challenge that I would have though, not just in additional time and financial constraints but in the emotional memories and reflexes that are brought up from this new life change, that have begun to burden me with reminders of my own past abuse.

With this new found stress of raising a second child on my own, I found myself reverting to instincts of anger passed onto me by my dad, who would react with rage to every minor irritant he assumed we had caused.  Knowing that, like me, Dareen was wounded and damaged from previous years of abuse, I decided to seek help through outside sources to help raise her.

However, throughout the experience in both parenting classes and seeing my very own shrink, Doc Wilson,  I started discovering more about my own self than I would have imagined.  As the layers of pain were peeled off like the skin of an onion, I found healing and wholeness.

Trying to Make My Way...

Hi! I'm Carol Woolery and I am a 19 year old student at NYU.  I am originally from Climax, Michigan, a very small town, and this is my first experience on my own in a big city!  It's exciting but scary at the same time.  I am also the first of my family to go to college.  There are four kids in my family and I am the oldest.  We aren't a rich family, in no way possible, so basically its up to me to follow my dreams and foot the bill along the way.

So, not only do I take out a lot of loans to pay for college, but I also work nearly full-time to cover the rest, including rent, utilities, food, and other necessities.  Due to this constant schedule of busyness between school and work (and maybe at times some form of social life, okay, not at all), I am very tired during class and very lonely at home.  This makes it very hard for me to focus and understand all the material in class.  So, fearing that I will fail, I take the effort to go to each of my profs, who are very helpful, in fact.  When I get to the last appointment of the day with Professor John (as he likes us to call him), something quite unusual happens.

After that appointment, I find myself sitting in the student union, having a small bite to eat, and soon find myself lapsing into a conversation with some other students.  I tell them about what just happened in Professor John's class and they, horrified, convince me of this wrongfulness and urge me (with much manipulation) to press charges.  I finally feel a sense of power, belonging, and confidence, in short, I no longer feel lonely...I have friends, but at what cost?

Really, I just want understanding...

Carol Woolery is designed from the character, Carol, from the play, Oleanna, by David Mamet, of which I am doing a scene for my acting class.  Ira Rubin, my scene partner, plays the part of John.
The acting class is held at Camelot Theatre in Talent, OR on Monday nights and is taught by Steven Dominguez.

Lots of Gratitude on Thanksgiving 2014

As I sit here, sipping my coffee, just waking up, my mind tries to wrap itself around just how much I have to be thankful for...

I can't help letting my mind go back to two years previous, when I was married...life was overwhelming stressful at the time, and when the holiday came, I was home with a husband who slept the day away on the couch while I (ever one to try & make holidays majorly celebratory) attempted to cook the whole meal...

Days leading up to this, I had been going from work to rehearsal to home where I would be either yelled at for something I didn't do or given the silent treatment..And now, on Thanksgiving, the only other person in the room besides me slept on the couch, without offering to help...while in California, at my parents' house, a huge family gathering was taking place and I was more alone than I had ever been....

That feeling of loneliness & despair is something I am very grateful to not have any longer. Now, I have much to be thankful for:

1.) Michael, my life partner, boyfriend, best friend who 'gets me', makes me laugh, loves me, loves being around me, enjoys the same things as me, listens to me, appreciates me....I am really glad this isn't a fling!

2.) my cats, one of which snuggled with me this morning with my arm around him, and the other of which is snuggling down on my chest at present, making it rather difficult to type...however, for that I am thankful, if I didn't have it, well life would be a little less beautiful

3.) My family, both blood-related & extended

4.) My wonderful friends, so many to name, for the past friends who are still with me, thank you for being there & believing in me throughout all these crazy years, for the present friends, thank you for your presence in my life, you encourage me to grow & follow my heart & dreams in many ways daily, make me laugh a lot, & I look forward to many many years to come

5.) I am thankful that I am living the "real life", the life I had always dreamed of, hoped for, but never really thought existed....

6.) For my freedom in so many many ways....

7.) For my ever-growing spiritual growth, that deepens & guides me no matter how diligent I am

8.) That I am finally paying off long-standing debt & moving forward with financial freedom independence

9.) That I am finally able to focus on my true calling & "career path" and I foresee fruitfulness both financially & spiritually in this area in days to come

Community Theatre is Life!

Or, maybe just theatre in general, however, I have not found my way into other forms of theatre, as of yet.  That is to come, very soon.

But, I digress...

I believe the very nature of theatre reflects that of the basics of human nature and not just in the final showcase of the production seen on opening night and the rest of run, that of which the viewing public sees.

But, what they commonly don't see is what goes on backstage? Sometimes referred to as the backstage drama or in some cases, more often that than, backstage comedy.

From the audition to the beginning of the rehearsal process,  actors and techies go into the endeavor with the best of the intention, not really knowing each other but with an already growing fondness building, as in, "here we go, we are in this together" sort of thing.

But, something happens along the way...well, human nature, for that matter.  People butt heads, tempers can fly, we do our best to look the other way, bite our tongue, turn our cheek for the sake of the show...all the while grumbling amidst ourselves.  Its true.

It always happens, its inevitable this process of relationship building during the rehearsal and run, why? Because we are only human.

However, that shouldn't be cause to throw in our towels and surrender to that inevitability.  Just as theatre reflects life onstage, so to should it reflect it offstage.  I feel a strong desire to push passed those inadequacies or flaws of humankind, and find in our mutual goal a commonality, a sense of purpose, of finding the good in others.  For its in those sacrifices off-stage that help build not only a better performance for those involved but also for the audience, but helps build character and endurance for a better community at large and for the world.  Maybe even, the Universe.

So, yeah, community theatre is life, as it really is, both onstage and off, and as it should be.

Music For The Heart

Maybe its just me, but I feel like the popular songs of recent have made a major shift in evolving into a more positive feminist mindset.  Starting in the 80's with such singers as Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, to name a few, the songs appeared to be more focused on finding a guy which made one happy and feel whole, the opposite of which when the relationship ended, one's entire sense of self was shattered.

Only In My Dreams

Now, I must confess that despite the lack of feminine strength, I hold a strong liking for the work of the great, Debbie Gibson, mostly originating from freshman year of college, when my best friend and I would sit in my dorm room listening to a Gibson tape I had, in between the times we drank a 40 and watched Sesame Street.  But, however, I do recognize now the heartbreak and loss of identity in losing one's relationship.  In addition, look at the songs like "Total Eclipse of the Heart" where the female singer croons over the blinding loss of her guy, who offers her hope if she would just "turn around".  Meanwhile, the majority of male singers wrote and performed songs with more of an overall significant message about life, spirituality, of sense of defining one's self, such as "Burning Down The House" by Talking Heads or "Losing My Religion" by REM.

Then, the 90's came, the time of my life where I came of age.  I remember listening to songs by artists like Jewel, Norah Jones, and Natalie Imbruglia.  Similarly, there were the so-called angry female singers such as Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos, and the like.  These women, talented in their own right, seemed all in their own way to perform songs, not only of heartbreak and loss, but with a slightly angry tone blaming the guy for leaving but still offering the idea of loss of self from their leaving.  Consider Jewel's song "Foolish Games" or even Natalie Imbruglia's famous hit, "Torn" as examples of this.  Even, Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know" which seemed to have a sense of empowerment still had the lingering effects of "its all your fault that I feel this way" thus giving away a woman's sense of power, strength, and individuality.  Remember the "Spice Girls" who danced around scantily clad singing "If you want to be my lover" showing men how to be their boyfriend, in a mock empowering way.

Foolish Games

Meanwhile, the male singers of that era sang songs that typically tried to manipulate woman with the false hope of forever love, such as the Boys to Men, "I'll Make Love To You".  So while the girls were faithfully dedicating their hearts to the men, whether they were together or not (look at Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You") simultaneously giving up their power, men were using these same words as a ploy to sway woman.  Even more disturbing, there were some male singers and bands, such as Aerosmith who performed songs such as "Crazy" about girls who had gone bad through making the choice for their own individuality.  (I confess I loved that song and the music video of it.)

But, now when I listen to the radio today, there seems to be a shift in the subject matter of what female singers are crooning, the message they are trying to get out.  Anything from singing on topics connecting to political standpoints to talking about how a woman no longer needs a man to thrive.  Even more so, female singers are crooning about how men are chasing after them while they actively pursue their own calling.  Its the men, like Bruno Mars, singing about how they messed up and lost an amazing woman through their own fault.  Female singers like Jordin Sparks and Lady Gaga, among others, seem to reflect this shift, not only singing songs with a deeper sense of empowerment that fights against prejudice such as Gaga's "Born This Way":

Born This Way

But, also (and this one is particularly meaningful to me) Sparks sings power into a woman's decision to move away from an abusive relationship and seek healthy love and a successful life in her song, "Tattoo":

Tattoo

I don't know, maybe its just me, after all, that as I listen to these songs, my interest in them reflects my own evolution of feminism and empowerment, in not letting men and society as a whole define who I am as an individual.

In the end, I still love listening to the songs of my youth and of the present, no matter what the meaning.  As a singer myself, music has a way of getting into our soul, helping us to heal and find meaning for our current life situations.

So, readers, if you are out there, what do you think? How has the popular music of your life influenced your life, both positively and negatively? This inquiring mind wants to know!

For inspiration, I leave you with one of the greatest female recording artists of our time, the amazing
Madonna:

Madonna

Ain't I A Woman?

With the onslaught of the transgender movement, both in the public eye and in my personal life with many of my friends (of whom I fully support), I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of gender, traditional, societal, and natural.  I recently learned of a new term called "cis-gender".  Looking it up, I learned it was a term referring to one's understanding of self as pertaining to the gender they were born with, the sex they were given at birth.

In college, I had a lot of classes that touched on this, discussions about whether gender and sex are purely biological or that of roles enforced by society, or even both.  I've come to the conclusion of the latter, even with the openness of the trans-movement, mostly pertaining to who I am as a woman and a human being, where I fall into place in society and, more importantly, as a sense of understanding of myself.

I've fought long and hard with being a woman and wanting to assert myself in this world.  I've felt ashamed of my femininity in past, thinking that showing this part of me was somehow a sign of weakness.  Yet, I realized recently that this is what I am, I am 100% girl, naturally, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and yet this no way takes away from my strength and abilities.  In fact, this adds to it.

I think an attack of feminism now comes in the idea that one cannot be a feminist if one falls into the categories of femininity enforced by society, or rather what we view as societal womanly roles and actions.  Yet, I feel completely comfortable and even whole dressing up, making myself pretty and girly.  I also feel completely comfortable in sweatpants, jeans, t-shirt, no make-up.

The point is, being a girly-girl in the exterior in no way takes away from my strength and ability to fight for women's rights inwardly.  In fact, being the way I am is another way I can help to bring equality for woman everywhere, by saying, I'm pretty and sexy, yes, but I also have brains, talent, a sense of humor and I'd rather use those to assert myself than anything else.

So, the answer to the question on the title is: Yes, I am a woman.  And proud.

So, to all of my women-kind out there, whether you are cis, or trans, or tomboy, love yourself, be proud of who you are both inside and out, because its in that way we make a difference, its in that way we fight inequality, continue the quest for gender equality, and, in fact, win.  By truly knowing ourselves and having pride in who we are, we finally win!

This PSA brought to you by Lia Rose Dugal, Inc.