"Working" your calling!

Well, as many of you know, a few weeks ago I ended a play entitled, "Working" based on a Studs Terkel novel.
I, of course, played the hooker, as you can understand, wait, what, was I type-cast?  So, in a sense, I have been in recovery mode since the play ended in what seems like ages ago, but really is a few weeks.  It was funny when I first got the part, I was feeling like I was the most uncommitted actor to this show.  I was more concerned with the actual business of making a living than "working", and yes, I admit, that many times I thought, "God, I can't do this, I can't pay the bills or make money if I have this obligation."  But over and over, I was told by God to see it through, that yes, there was a reason for everything and that it would work out as it is supposed to, even if I couldn't see it yet.  And, so, grinding my teeth, I pursued with, at least, a shred of faith masquerading as a whole lot.  (And isn't that all that God asks, that we have just an eensy-weensy bit of faith and he will supply the rest...)

So, I kept at it and strangely, my character and songs started to come upon me.  The character grew in me throughout the months leading up the late rehearsals and through the process of putting on the show.  And, surprisingly, the songs that I was sure I would never get, I memorized, danced, sang, and even put a little "drama' into them.  The funny thing, I began to learn a little bit about myself; how truly everything has a purpose, a season, and will work out for good in the end.

My history in theatre, and therefore in life, is one of various mountain peaks and potholes.  From the earliest of age, as soon as I could hold a pen, I was writing, creating, putting on plays, writing plays.  Without the understanding of Shakespeare or any formal training, at a tender age, I was constructing plays, and yes, sitcoms.  I kept dreaming of fame, fortune, success.  I took a few acting classes here and there, never was in any plays, but learned enough that it was something I wanted to do, something that made me feel good.  I also met some really amazing friends, to be specific, my little sister, Brooke!!

There was no drama department in my high school, really, in a high school and middle school population that came to approximately 120 students in totality, there was not really a department of anything, just a few classrooms here and there where we learned a thing or two.  (At one point, and this was before I was there, the school didn't even have walls (cubes), just open spaces with desks...and yeah, I guess the school realized that their system was 'really taking off" so they put up walls!)  So, in high school, I pursued outside forms of creativity, mainly voice and chorus.  Back then, my dream had always been to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy is possibly my favorite character ever, Judy Garland is my favorite actress, and The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest movie ever made and the best antidepressant ever (if you don't agree with me, we'll have to take this outside!)  So, yeah, for like an open house night, I sang "somewhere over the rainbow".  Looking back, that was the first time in my life (besides working one summer as a babysitter so I could attain my own phone line) where I realized that in faith, hard work, and diligence, dreams can come true, but let's stress mostly the faith in God and the Universe part mostly!

So, all through middle and high school, I was the awkward, dorky one that got teased a lot.  For whatever reason, I just didn't understand how to be in society, not that any of us did really at that age, or do now, but still there it is.  Maybe you can say it was because of "difficulty" at home that caused this lack of confidence and self esteem or blame it on a "chemical imbalance", who can tell? (In the beginning of high school, I got dragged without my consent to a psych doctor that put me on Ritalin and then prozac, never allowed to work through emotionally my problems, just told "take the meds and you will feel better").  But, as I see now, it all works out in the end.  My singing and love for creativity in all forms kept me going, when nothing else was working or felt right, somehow I found myself in that, and eventually led me on the path to my higher power, God, Jesus, the Great Spirit, what have you....and I met some pretty awesome friends along the way.

So, I got to my Senior year and I am about ready to graduate and my parents and I have this conversation about what to pursue.  They keep pushing me to write and to take classes in writing, and I say that I want to do acting and singing, and that I am already a good writer, and they say but with classes I can get better...but its still, yeah, I want to do this.
My first college year I landed at San Francisco State University, which is completely random and just weird that it ever happened, so much of me has changed since that first crazy year.  I took my GE classes (almost flunked out my first semester), took acting one, creative writing, and singing.  In acting, I was a shy and timid little girl that hungered for fame or what have you but was just too afraid to take a chance,  But, that year I had this drama teacher (Mr. Washington, not Denzel, I forget his first name) told me "you have the talent and can do it" (I remember that even if I don't remember his name, only that my friend, Heather and I, would mistakenly call him "denzel").

I left that school after a year, the first of my friends to leave.  For whatever reason, SFSU is a school where people don't really graduate, a few do, but most just pass through.  Its like a train station, you come in, stay for awhile, until the next train leads you on.  I picked up the skill of being in school and became comfortable in a big city, with new, crazy ideas and lifestyle choices, mostly Southern Californians who laughed at us Northern Calis because we said "hella".  I ended up back at my Junior College where I again pursued drama and writing amongst taking general ed requirements.  I was more comfortable in my drama class.  I liked the teacher and I liked my partner in dramatic crime, Michael.  Yeah, okay, so after the class ended, the teacher seduced me and then left me, forgot about me. and moved to the East Coast and yeah, because of that, I withdrew more and more into my pain, but hey, I learned about life and all its sorrows, and gained another great friend, who is in effect, a hanger-on.  (A friend that lasts plus decade and through whatever crap you throw at them or go through with them, they are still there smiling and holding your hand at the end of it, the hangers on!)  To be completely honest, this guy and the friends from SFSU never stopped encouraging me to follow my dreams, write, and pursue theatre even when I lost heart.

So, after a random running around through the streets of Europe, I ended up in Ashland, Oregon, the town I was born to live in, to attend Southern Oregon University, where, yes, I pursued theatre.  Because of the evil drama teacher experience, my anxiety started to set in.  I had to audition for acting one and I failed.  I lost heart and the anxiety grew worse and worse,  further more, I blamed myself for failing.  I became depressed. stressed, anxious all the time, and sick at heart.  About half way through that, fate dealt another hand of fortune by guiding me to take acting classes at RCC with a teacher by the name of John Cole.  Not knowing the exact nature of the turmoil I was going through, he gave me Nina from The Seagull to work on, and she has remained my character and her story has and is mine.  As I was abused my drama teachers and such, so was Nina mistreated by those in the fame and fortune world and her line:

"He didn't believe in the theatre, all my dreams he'd laugh at, and little by little I quit believing in it myself, and lost heart.  And there was the strain of love, jealousy, constant anxiety...I got to be small and trashy, and played without thinking..."

pretty much sums up all that was going on in my life, both internally and externally, at that time.

  I finally left theatre behind, seemingly forever, during my junior year and ended up in Human Communication.  (Met some great peeps too, a shout out to, Rick and Audrey, to name a few).  Along the way through the theatre craziness, I found God along the way, rather, he rescued me.

So, after college, I ended up teaching preschool and babysitting.  A part of me thought I was settling for what life could give me and that my dreams would never come true so just do whatever do what you can and hope something comes on, just make do and try to have some fun.  Looking back, I think working with children affected my outlook on life because it forced me to care for someone else's needs besides my own and so therefore took away any selfish ambition and made me focus on a greater sense of purpose, one that outlasts mine.  Yeah, I remember everybody saying you are making a difference in these kids lives, but, really, those kids made an even bigger difference in mine.

Around that time, I wandered purposelessly into a cafe (but remember everything has a reason) and fell in love with my soul mate.  However, I didn't know he was my soul mate and neither did he (everybody else saw it though) until well after I had moved far far away and several years and years of prayers and heartbreak later....thankfully he took me back or something.

So, I ended up getting dragged back to California on the insisting of my parents who, basically, signed me up for a teaching program at Sonoma State but, remember everything works for good, right? So, I ended up back in my home state of California, where I got a teaching credential, went crazy, faced my demons, made to feel more shame for myself than what God would want of me from the cults, I mean, churches I belonged to, apologized for the wrongs I had done and got blamed for the things I hadn't done, was given pills instead of getting help with the core issues, felt like I was seen as a "Jezebel"...until I could take it no longer and fate, the great hand of God, brought me back where I belong, Oregon, Ashland, home.

As Dorothy says when she returns home from OZ, I say about Calfornia:

"I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful...But all the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, was I want to go home (to Ashland) and they sent me home..."

Right after I left Oregon, I started writing this play about my time at the cafe where I met my true love.  I had no idea why I was writing it but I was pulled by some compulsion to write it and write it and keep writing it.  My friends would laugh at me and make jokes about it.  But, I was driven.  I thought, I don't know, there is a story here and I got to write it....but what was the story, that I loved this man whose name I have attached to mine and whose ring is on my finger.  A few months before he came back into my life, I finished that play after 6 years of endlessly writing it, throwing it aside, picking it up, editting, writing....and then done.  It seems strange to think about it now, that I could be so driven to write...but hey, everything has its purpose in the end.  I got everything I hoped for and yet more than I could ever imagine, like, more than I could ask or think...and yet the exact answer to my prayers and heart's desire.  And, its funny, as many as these friends from the cult, wait, church advised me to stay away from the "non-christian world" and specifically this man, I couldn't help praying, and waiting...and wondering if I would ever love, when he, my husband, is the only one that can understand me when no one else, even those who claim to be my family in Christ doesn't...perhaps they don't even really understand love at all or even God, but that's not my place to say...who are so hung up by their intrepretation of the scripture, and yes I was there too, they miss the real meaning of Christ's love, and to that  I have found in my 'scary-dark boy"...so, maybe these friends of mine are right, maybe I sinned by sleeping with him before marriage (shh...don't tell), but, you know, it all worked out in the end and as the song goes...'what I did for love..."  (Honestly, being married to my Mr. Weston has taught me so much about God's love and faithfulness and commitment to him, my vows, other people than any bible study or lecture ever could...hmm, who knew?)

So, in effect, Bill coming back into my life and marrying me and me coming back to Ashland is a "dream", an answer to prayers...and yet so much more.  And, something that through thick and thin, Bill and I try to do is to pursue our dreams, to follow our paths, to do what we love...and trust that everything else will fall into place, and it has....with faith, diligence, prayer, love, commitment, in the face of all adversity, when all else seems to fail and everything seems at the brink of extinction...our love and our faith brings us through and provides over and abundantly more than we ever thought...So much of my life, I was told to walk the line, to follow somebody else's plan for my life, their purpose and their definition of success for my life, whether it be my father's or the self-imposed religiousity of a few "christians" i knew, who would stand around and talk about how all they wanted to do was "serve God"....but in how?  In all of that, I never gave up my desire for theatre and writing...and felt laughed at or looked down upon for even thinking of that or pushed into an area that didn't really fit for me but was somebody else's imposed direction for my life...

So, finally, as God opens doors, I go through them day by day, inch by inch with faith and hope for the best and trust...and I learn a few things about myself, God, and love.

A few years ago,  I decided that I was unable to work due to the necessity to get healthy and made the choice to go on disability.  The first thing I realized was "what is my purpose if not to work" and how to explain who I am without a job.  I actually experienced this in real life, when after introducing myself to someone,  they asked "so what do you do?"
And, in that moment, I had no idea what to say...so I began to think and came to the conclusion, as Amanda McKenney (a character in Working) says "Jobs aren't big enough for people", in effect, our job is not our identity.  And learned, as she puts it, "I am Julia, at certain points in time, I do things for a living."

Okay, after Amanda says her bit, and her SATAN boss comes in and talks about his VALUES, like 20 minutes or so later, I come on dressed as THE HOOKER and say "you become your job"  and the funny thing is, I, kind of, can see that now, but strangely in a positive way.

Like I was saying, Bill and I encourage each other to follow our dreams and our choice of paths, passions, desires, loves and so too I encourage my friends to do the same, and hopefully, they are as blessed as well.  But, even so, I still dont' want to define myself as a job, but lately, I have picked up several roles or positions and would willingly accept them as a title, because after all they are my choice, my passion, and will follow the roads they take me on as life goes alone...these hats I wear, roles I play are actress, writer, nanny, teacher, wife, kitty-mommy, friend, sister, aunt, so yes, when you look at in this light, you become your job....and for this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for Bill and his love and friendship and for just being himself around me, and once again for the hangers-on.  I wouldn't be where I am without them, their encouragement, their patience, their love...to name a few,Frank Cristofer Montague , Woo Baby, Lee Lancaster, Tony Fleisher, and even for those that life directed us apart for a time but have brought us back together, such as Corky Gardner and Michelle Gray and, yes, John Cole

My advice to you, whether you be starting out in your adventure or on a new path, follow your dreams, your passions, your hearts...do what you love and the rest will follow, and remember as Nina says:

"Now I know, I understand, (Kostya), that in our work--acting or writing--what matters is not fame, not glory, not what I used to dream about, its how to endure, to bear my cross, and have faith.  I have faith and it all doesn't hurt me so much, and when I think of my calling I'm not afraid of life."

And remember, these three remain, faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love.

A Special Thanks and Blessings for All

So, what inspired this is, I got a response to a request on Linkedin for a connection from, yes, a SATAN boss.  Yeah, I have had issues with him in the past and thankfully I have left that employment and have felt soooo much better because of it.  But, through it still, I have felt bitterness towards the whole situation and mostly to him.  But, I saw him and decided to reach out as a form of apology, what I got in return was an email saying these two words: "No Thank You!"  So, as you can imagine, I was a little upset and I thought, "Well, I am just reporting this (pardon the french) fucker to the BBB!"  But, then I started praying, breathing, and trying to let it go...when I decided not to do that, but in fact, call his boss and talk it through, and also that at some point I would like to talk to him, apologize, etc.  Mainly, I just need my files back, which is another story.

But, what made me change my mind?  Because, I was thinking of all of my friends.  Yes, I loathe and have issues with the massive domination of Facebook in our society, blah, blah, blah, but lately I have been entirely blessed by how much love and support and encouragement I find from my facebook friends, the hangers on (the Franks, we shall say!),  the old ones who have come back into my life and who have never forgot me, and the new ones (Work it, baby!).  I am blessed to have you in my life and to be able to reach out and pray for you and offer you whatever I can give and know that, in some way, you would do the same for me, that you love me.

I thank so many of you (Frank, Corky, Michelle, to name a few) for your encouragement over the years, to seek my own health and wellness and to follow my dreams.

I have learned that I am special because all of you are special.  I have learned that I am funny because, dammit, you are hilarious!!! I have learned about love because of your love for God, for me, for others, for the world.  And so much more!!  I am so thankful for your presence in my life and love all of you uniquely and with my whole heart.

Because of your love and friendship, I have learned about the power of love and faithfulness in my relationship towards God, my husband, and my future children.  As I receive your love, I give back to you the love I have, and realize the picture it is of God's love for me.   In my marriage to Billiam, I see how that relationship mirrors the love, communion, and faithfulness of my Lord.  True love is real and forever.

Honestly, these past few months, I have developed, shall we say, crushes on individuals outside of the marriage.  But, never fear, I am true to my vows in that of, forsaking all others for the Billiam!!!  This has showed me the reality of true love and the difference of lust.  Love is forever and is a choice, a commitment.  Lust is temporal.

But, what it shows me once again, is that ultimate desire I have to be loved, cherished, sought after?  And who better to have that from but from God!!

In a sense, all of you, dear friends, I am infatuated and captivated by your love, your beauty, your talents; and I want to share that with others and the world.  Because of how God loves me and how he wants me to reach others and make a difference, I want you to shine, to go forth and make that difference.  Because, you are special and have a purpose!!!  Once again, you would do the same for me.  You make me special; you make me a rainbow!

So, yes, most of you are far, far away (my FB friends) or even if you are close, our time together is drawing to a close, so I leave you with this prayer:

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face.

And until we meet again,  may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

"there is a friend that is closer than a brother..."

Love God, Love Others, Love Self?

"Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!" Proverbs 9ish

Where is here?  Well, the "here" referred to is our spiritual sense, the Spirit, God, Jesus, Higher Power, in however, that relates to you.  In my own experience, I seem to not be able to find wisdom in following my own understanding; as Marvin the Paranoid Android says (in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), "this will all end in tears, I know it."  And, yes, I have found that following my own will, it does.  So, yes, the moral of the story, is to seek guidance from above.  I am speaking personally here, yet "he who has ears to hear, let him hear."

I also find wisdom in "whoever is simple" as we are told to be "as little children" in our spiritual paths.  In truth, I have found that in moments of pride, I seem to be farthest from the path of the Spirit.

Randomly, I have been thinking of the idea behind the spiritual "scripture" from a different spiritual background than my own (yet they seem to be more related than otherwise believed):

"Do what thy will shall be the whole of the law.  Love is the law; Love under will."

Which, if you connect it with the greatest commandments in the Bible, you find a deeper understanding and connection and acceptance of this quotation (ha ha, meme, j/k):

"Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, mind, and spirit.  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Basically, if love is the law and we are told to Love God and others, than it follows that that should be the focus of our said religious preferences and truly the message of Jesus, simply put, to love.

You dig? Questions? Comments? Cookies? Good things to say?

His Will or the Highway?

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done."  Matthew 6:10

As I look towards the future and pray for direction, whether it be in job-related activities, art, writing, family, health, I am reminded by this scripture that He knows better than me the path I am to take, and in fact, it is Him who sees the entire purpose of what I go through today and how it will impact the days to come.

What I pray for, is abundance of blessings, as He calls us to pray; not to pray that God would award me with a million dollars or a brand new car, as if I am owed such a thing, as if those things have matter.  But, rather that I would go beyond the poverty line of faith, that I would accept Him at his word that he has storehouses of riches and blessings and promises for me in Heaven.  That I wouldn't wait Heaven to see what I have missed out on in this life.

So, with this knowledge, I seek His will and perfect plan for my life, abiding in him minutely, hourly, daily.  In all I do during the day and have going on in my life, I just trust that it will all work out according to His purposes.  I pray that my heart will be so aligned with His that all that I desire would be in alliance with His heart.  Whatever I hope for today, I hope tomorrow it will work out for the greater good of the kingdom in Heaven and in Earth.

I don't know, maybe what you are going through, whether success or struggle, you can rest in the promise that it will all work out for good, if we hope and have faith.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:14

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Father's Love, or something of that nature

So, this morning in my prayer and devotional time, I happened to fall upon Matthew 6, specifically verse 9, which the Lord Jesus speaks of how we should pray.  Now, I know those who may have been exposed to Catholicism have a different viewpoint of this prayer, that is one of memorization and too structured for their taste, and that, honestly, is how I used to see it.  But, I had it explained to me, a few years ago, that gave me a fresh perspective of the idea of prayer, worship, and my relationship with, none other, than the Father God.

Now, those of you who know me personally, know I have had issues with my own father, indeed even men that could be father figures, for actually not being who I wanted them or needed them to be.  This has in fact led to some insecurities and misunderstandings with the Father God, in a sense, I am okay with the Son and the Spirit, but this Father figure, who is He, really?

So, in the past years, I have begun to look at what it means to have a Father, what my needs are for that and how this trouble with a father figure has caused trouble in relationships with men, of all ages, and even a lack of trust in friends of the same sex.  Just all around feeling rotten about the whole relationship issue, and even, slipping into some relative form of codependency, which is to say, maybe they won't hurt me or leave me or be mean to me if I do everything to please them and make them like me.  Well, that doesn't really work.

So, in my time of healing, I decided that I wanted to look at what it means to have a Father that loves me, is there for me, won't leave me.  The only true infallible father that meets these "requirements" is in fact the Father in Heaven.  As John writes in his first epistle,

"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1)

So, with a stretch of my faith, I allow the love of the Father to fill me and accept his gracious pouring out of love, knowing that this will not only strengthen me in all my endeavors, empower me to overcome my weaknesses, and help me, in effect, know how to rightly behave in relationships of any kind.

So, looking at the Lord's prayer, I am awakened to a new sense of understanding, a new revelation:

"Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be your name." (Matt. 6:9)

So, remember this doesn't mean that you have to pray these exact words, but really I think, to start out your prayers meditating on and being thankful for the awesome greatness and sovereignty of the Father, in a sense, being thankful for the love He so graciously gives us.  And, I say yesterday, asking in faith for these abundant blessings He has promised us.

So, today, Father, I worship you, I pray, not only in this moment, but in the moments to follow and in the days, weeks, months, years to come.  I worship you for your perfect plan for my life.  I pray that today, in all I do, I would meditate on and constantly be aware of your presence, your power, and your promises.  I thank you for all you have done for me in the past, what you have for me today, and in the future.  I surrender to you with hope and patience.  And yes, Lord, I thank you so greatfully for Jesus.  In love, Amen.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear...

So, how do you make gluten-free chocolate chip cookies?

I've been trying off and on for months, whenever I can afford good chocolate chips and whenever I find that mad craving, like the other night I dreamed I had gooey gooey chocolate chip cookies, and ate them all as quick as can be.  That was a dream...but when I try to make it, they come out all flat and burned, never like the pictures you see in magazines or cookbooks.  I seem to be able to make brownies and cakes, but the art of chocolate chip cookies evades me.

The other night I tried to make gluten-free graham cracker brownies (did you know there are actually, really, bona-fide gluten-free graham crackers now? PTL), however, tried and, could I say, failed...my husband and I ended up eating all the chocolate chips and graham crackers...we couldn't resist and me having this nasty nagging hanging on cold, I seem to be a little tired to cook, oh well, life goes on.  But, I am starting to feel better, after garlic-gluten-free-buffalo burgers, I coughed up some flem (yay, aren't you glad you just read that?) and then fell fast asleep on clean sheets and woke up with the sniffles and such and such gone.
But, here is another gross part, when I went #2, blood came out and what do you say to that, (after gagging and maybe barfing), its because I ate gluten, in what, sadly, girl scout cookies.  Yes, its true but I can no longer enjoy the deliciousness of girl scout cookies.  (Too bad, they aren't actually made of girl scouts, hey, wait a minute!)

Anyway, prayers and good thoughts are requested.  God has opened up several doors for me to work close to home in Ashland (actually within walking distance, if I can get up early enough) basically self-employed.  Already, I have two nanny jobs that pay well, hopefully, with increasing hours and am waiting on a caregiving job which is mostly in the bag!  Today, I have applied for a weeding/pet sitting job, a tutoring job, and, even, a modeling job.  So, fingers crossed, prayers go up, and I stand, as much as I possibly can, waiting in faith. 
Yeah, doesn't it seem we are always waiting, waiting, waiting....the trick is to relax and enjoy the ride or the walk or the crawl...

And, for the past three months since this momentous year began, my husband and I have been praying for than just, Lord, provide for our needs, but for the abundant blessings and wealth, not just wordly, but spiritual...but, in fact, that not only will our needs be met, but fulfilled over and abundantly.  And, now it seems we are finally getting caught up on bills and other expenses, and with faithfulness to give out what we have, God seems to be providing just that.  (Like, for example, when I added up all my groceries in my head and then went up to pay, it came out to the exact amount that I had calculated, PTL!)

So, the message for today is: Don't just pray for the poverty line, pray for everything you can ask for and more, and trust that God will provide in accordance with his will, because, after all, hasn't he always promised us the kingdom, his entire heart, love, everything that we desire:

The Prayer of Jabez says:

Oh, that you would bless me indeed
and enlarge my territory
that your hand would be with me,
and that you would keep me from evil.

He who has ears to hear let him hear.

Let God, Let Go?

So much is happening in my life personally, both internally and externally, and yet both seem to have an effect on my own being....as I am sure much change is occuring in your lives, dear reader...from gray hairs to increasingly rising gas prices (which probably are causing the gray hairs) to new beginnings....well, it all wraps up in some kind of purpose...for all of us.

Yeah, these last so many years (6 or so, I lose count), I think I have really struggled, grown, yes, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (no, not physically)...but, in the grand scheme of things, I must admit I have been a royal b with an "itch", pardon my french (what, that's not french?)  Alon-sy, let's move on!

So, I have been praying for healing in my own heart, in those relationships I have wronged, and for those people as well...and in time going to them, making amends, offering my apology, and then just practicing the art of letting go, which can be difficult, but with God's grace all things are possible...and letting that individual decide whether they want to return or move on....all things, including relationships, have a reason, to everything there is a season, including friendships...And, I am thankful for each one, the ones that have newly come into my life, the ones that have hung on for years, and the ones who have moved on...each have made my life richer, brighter, and more meaningful.  In short, all of you have made me a 'rainbow', made me the person I am today... All of you are reflections of God's love in my life!!!

So, now my heart struggles with what to do about forgiving and moving on with two people who in the past have had primary roles in my life, my college boyfriend and high school best friend!!! Seriously, it has been years since the horribleness of high school and what happened with that girl, and I keep thinking, really, that I have forgiven and forgotten, but then it rises up again...and really it always boils down to trust.  I just don't think I CAN trust her, but I wish I could.  It causes quite an anxiety about someone I used to love, even though it has been years.  So, I keep breathing, and releasing, and saying "Let God, let go" of this particular situation that has plagued me for almost 15 years +.

The next is the boyfriend, and this one, is closer to forgiving because I am starting to see that maybe he did some good...so, I guess, that is all in the timing.

But, the question is, do I want these people back in my life?  Can I trust them?

Yeah, I guess as I learned in the play I just performed in, Our ways are not God's ways, there is a purpose for everything and a timing...but, the thing is, I am not even really thankful for the fact that these people were in my life at one point and can't even fathom the good they did...GAAA!  But, all God asks is that we give out grace, as he did, and forgive, as he did....Can I? Can you?

What are your thoughts? What do you think I should do?