Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 48: Drunk Ladies & Junior High Love Co...

In this episode, I read an entry yet again about the "Vineyard Club Friends" circa Junior High-ish. The "root of all evil" boy is back in townn with his family & being like any other 14 year old, playing the field or just being a 14 year old kid. Spoiler Alert: He's not really the root of all evil! It's a fun detailed account of one Saturday evening in early September of my 8th grade year, I never knew how special it was, chock full of some rando drunk ladies (who might just be the time traveling versions of our future selves), moonlight walks & almost not quite kisses, mozart, tea, & junior high petty silliness. Watch Episode 25 for some background information: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0AozlZqvz4&list=PLGOU8yQsa5RFqS1kpAZjq8UOkzwAWzUW8&index=24 https://youtu.be/2z0cdF_J8i0

The Mary Tamm Chronicles, V2: Chapter 2: The Power Of Kroll #romana #doc...

In this chapter, Mary recounts the making of the Key To Time episode, The Power Of Kroll, from wild, drunken nights with Tom & other cast members, to poor green tinted supporting actors, to a perilous boating excursion with Tom, & a not so glamourous working condition tramping around in the Suffolk swamp!

The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction webseries includes Hearts-Sick, HomeSick, MindSick & TimeSick.

Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the former name of Cafe Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, all film & media produced under Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the property of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC. Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC does not own the rights to Doctor Who or BBC material.

#doctorwho #audiobook #fanart #marytamm #tombaker #fourthdoctor #media

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, Part Two: My Thoughts CW: mental illness, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder

 

Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else

For starters, I am "Team Johnny" but I am not anti Team Amber Heard, as if the issues of domestic abuse, destructive relationships, and mental illness should be relegated to that of 'teams'.  As a victim of domestic violence as well as a friend of male victims, I felt strongly for support of Johnny Depp, still do, and am very grateful that the truth has won out at last.  (Please see the Part One of this series: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/06/johnny-deppamber-heard-part-one-my.html). To my discredit, in full honesty, I was one that jumped on the bandwagon of "Amber Heard is a narcissist", even while understanding somewhat the vast differences between calling someone a 'narcissist' and the diagnosis of 'narcissist personality disorder'.  I did not know that those who I was allying myself in this regard and able to attend the trials were booing and hissing at Ms. Heard as she entered and exited the courtroom.  As a victim of intimate personal violence, I have learned that the best way to have victory over an abuser is to move forward into a successful, thriving life and not to attack in kind.  (See: Success is the best revenge!)  This includes not engaging in like abusive fashion towards the abuser, for that is allowing that person to become as a victim and feel a sense of victory.  

Then, the legal team of Johnny Depp (please notice the clarification difference in teams) brought forth a psychiatrist who had examined Amber Heard and found the dual diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.  Thus, my thoughts on Amber's abusive actions and reasoning behind shifted a bit.  I have made clearly known that I am a person living with Bipolar Disorder and CPTSD.  In the early years of my recovery, I hungrily read through several books on mental illness of many a variety and studied books on psychology.  I even picked up and read through the recent edition of the DSM (See: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).  At one point in my journey, I was misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in conjunction with Bipolar Disorder which started my journey on devouring all things personality disorders.  It is important to note here the similarities and overlap between these two diagnoses as well as others in the DSM.  All too frequently, those diagnosed with one disorder also have a comorbidity with another.  (I also want to add that it was later reported that I did not have BPD, but in fact have CPTSD and Bipolar which often can resemble BPD and will share this discovery in a later entry.)

Comorbidity refers to having more than one chronic illness at once. Of all the people who experience mental disorders in the U.S. (roughly one in five), 45% of them meet the criteria for two or more disorders. That's almost one in ten people who may be dealing with simultaneous mental illnesses

Thus, from my studies, I want to express the differences between that of someone struggling with borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder (or both simultanously), and that of the other cluster B diagnoses.  First, I must state that I am not a certified psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or mental health practitioner, only one with a hunger to understand as an empathic advocate as another with a mental health condition.  Thus, the essential difference between that of APD/NPD and BPD/HPD, from my research, is that of level of conscience, the former being a lack thereof (especially with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) and the latter having an understanding of right and wrong.

 

The fact of conscience as well as the symptoms of both Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder changes the reasoning behind Amber Heard's actions in her relationship with Johnny Depp as well as that reported in other relationships.  If these diagnoses be correct (and often times in one's recovery there can be many a misdiagnosis), then Amber Heard does feel a semblance of guilt and remorse over her actions.  From my research in the past and during the writing of this, a person with BPD has a maladaptive way of thinking that they believe to be correct based on the emotional upheaval and trauma throughout their lives.

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

It is true that I have spent less time with Histrionic Personality Disorder but I have done some bit of research for this article as well as in the past.  From those studies, I have found that the need to be the center of attention with one who struggles with HPD is based on a need for validation and escape from a feeling of emptiness.

A histrionic personality disorder, or commonly known as a dramatic personality disorder, is a psychiatric disorder distinguished by a pattern of exaggerated emotionality and attention-seeking behaviors. A histrionic personality disorder is categorized within the "Cluster B" of personality disorders.

Thus, Amber Heard's instability in her interpersonal relationships, if these diagnoses be accurate, is based on past trauma undealt with that has formed her frame of thinking increasing her need to find security, validation, and escape from the inner turmoil and pain within.  This does not mean she is not guilty of defamation and needs to be held accountable for her actions.  In the contrary, I believe she does and that this may be the reckoning that brings about a realization of her need for healing.  From this, then, it is another important reason why lashing out at her in kind is not helpful for the situation without or within.  In addition, I feel strong consideration and care should be taken for the safety of her daughter until which time that Amber Heard takes her treatment and recovery seriously.  I do not believe that the child should be taken from her entirely, but rather believe wholeheartedly in the ability for a person with BPD and HPD to live a healthy and fulfilling life.  It takes time and a lot of work to unravel the thought processes and the trauma damages that brought about the reactions of her actions, but through the efforts of recovery one can live a meaningful life.  And, if these diagnoses of Amber are correct, she, too can have this life, it may not be what she hoped for as a Hollywood actress, but her life can be joyful and peaceful if she commits to her recovery and mental health journey.

Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

She Will Be Loved

If you or someone you love is suffering with symptoms of mental illness, please contact: www.nami.org

FanGirlHour Exerpt, Episode One: Which Doctor Who?

In this exerpt from the FanGirlHour, I chat with my good friend, Theta Eisenberg about one of our fave fandoms, Doctor Who. He shares his favorite all-time doctors and other reasons why this show is special to him. For more, listen: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

The Mary Tamm Chronicles: Second Generation, Chapter One: The Androids o...

In this episode, we begin the second autobiography, Second Generation, The Autobiography: Volume Two, where Mary recounts working further on the Key To Time Series with "The Androids of Tara" from a jealous husband's confusion over an aikido lesson, to precarious horseback riding, and Tom Baker's dramatic flair with a fishing rod! The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction webseries includes Hearts-Sick, HomeSick, MindSick & TimeSick. Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the former name of Cafe Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, all film & media produced under Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the property of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC. Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC does not own the rights to Doctor Who or BBC material.

Journaling Through The Years, Episode 47: Take A Bow, Night Court! #jour...

I start out this episode reflecting on the recent cases of Josh Duggar, Johnny Depp & Amber Heard and express my thoughts on each. Finally, I read an entry about a childhood memory of the ending of my all-time favorite tv show, Night Court, pondering how my hopes & dreams of yester-year have affected who I am & the choices I have made throughout my life, with some regret. Buy My Wedding Dress: https://www.mercari.com/us/item/m59506542035/ Elizabeth Suzanne: Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, Part One: My Thoughts TW: domestic abuse, Intimate Partner Violence

 

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Because Of You

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Yesterday, June 1st, 2022, was a day of victory not just for Johnny Depp, but for all victims of intimate partner violence/domestic abuse, specifically that of cis-male survivors perpetrated by their cis-female counterparts. 

By now, I have shared numerous times that I am a victim of IPV, specifically from my ex-husband, but also from previous romantic entanglements as well as, some degree, family, friends, colleagues, and church.  The degree of which occurred in my relations pertaining to my abusers is not what I want to further share at this moment, have in the past, but don't dwell on or over-share because it's not what defines me.  However, I do feel it significant that I accept my past history in order to be an authentic outspoken advocate for domestic abuse as well as a support of those also suffering so that they can reclaim.  With that, I have an active facebook group, Survivors Of Emotional Abuse, with group members of all genders have come together to share and support one another in their journeys towards healing.  (I also have a group pertaining towards spiritual abuse for similar purposes.)  Through these conversations and connections, I have been able to witness firsthand the stigma and invalidation cis-male victims of female perpetrators have experienced once leaving the relationship.  The disbelief that a cis-male could be the victim in a domestic abuse relationship is difficult to perceive and therefore discredited.  More often than not, the woman perpetrator proclaims herself the victim, and as we have seen with  Amber Heard, society, in general, believes her and vilifies the male victim.  

As seen in the chart above, the percentage of male victims who have reported their abuse is lower than female victims.  However, this does not mean that women are abused more often than males, rather, this reflects what has been reported.  

Long before the abuse becomes physical, many other tactics are implemented to control, subdue, dominate, as well, there is a cycle to the abuse: tension building, violence, honeymoon, finally, calm.

In each phase, the abuser uses the tactics described above as a means to ensnare and keep their victim hostage.  During the honeymoon and calm phase, the victim is expected to forget the abuse and forgive, thus done, the abuser once again has the power and the cycle continues.  

As seen in the chart above, the prevalence of abuse used from cis-female to cis-male appears to be higher in the non-physical in a variety of ways than physical.  This facet has been shared with me by my cis-male friends that have experienced domestic violence from their cis-female partner or spouse.  However, this does not signify that cis-female to cis-male is never physical, but may be demonstrated in different ways than in cis-male to cis-female.  As we have seen documented in the case of Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard, there were elements of physical abuse used throughout the tactics of manipulation.  

TW: All the Times Amber Heard Admits to Violence / Hitting Johnny Depp Audio Recordings

The reasoning behind abuse often given is that the perpetrator wants to hold power and dominance over their victim.  This week I read an article by a woman claiming that Johnny Depp could not be the victim because his older age and role in society puts him in a higher place of dominance than Amber Heard.  Evidence shared during the trial proves otherwise as well as Johnny Depp's re-telling of his history of violence perpetrated by his own mother.  (Johnny Depp reveals childhood abuse from ‘violent’ and ‘cruel’ mother and says drug-taking was to ‘numb feelings’)  In addition, a person's status in society may not resemble how they interact and behave within the confines of private relationship.  The reality of past trauma, possibly not dealt with, affects how a person reacts to current relationship instability leading them to become the submissive, fearful victim.  

In conclusion, I do not believe that Amber Heard set the #MeToo Movement back, however, I believe Johnny Depp brought it forward by revealing to the world that cis-males, "Men" too can be victims of intimate partner violence.  That said, if you are a cis-male victim and believe you are an IPV victim, here is a resource: https://www.facebook.com/mentoomovement/

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway