Vagina Diaries Day 4

This poem by ee cummings has long been my favorite of all times.  As I embark on this journey and character work for this production, the lines of this play waft back into my consciousness.  So, with that in mind, I'd like to do a little poetry analysis based on my thoughts surrounding my precious "pussy" and the literary genius of cummings' work below.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

The idea of a place that has never traveled speaks to me about the idea of the vagina being the forbidden grounds, somewhere not to go or even to speak of in polite society.  Gladly beyond any known experience, spoken of and thought of in secrecy and silence.  And yet, as I voyage deeper into my feminine psyche, I realize how easily it is to understand and appreciate my whole self in its completion. 

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

Closing myself off as I have from truly understanding and appreciating out of fear of reprisal or judgement or being shunned, loss of acceptance and not fitting in with the status quo, yet at what cost? The loss of myself and when I surrender to the divine within, the beauty of my soul, I find how easy it is to be free and to truly take in the entirety of love for myself and others, without judgement or any sort of bitterness.  The usage of the "first rose" speaks to me even more about the loss of self in trying to fit in and tow the line because I have long since felt a divine connection to my self and the rose, seeing myself as The Rose and as I fall into line with the status quo I lose sight of that.  As I continue through this process, I embrace that part of me, the beautiful fragrance of my soul, opening so sweetly.

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

It is then up to me and only me if I wish to close, to hide, or be open to the free flow of life, the source, the divine.

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

If I replace "your" with vagina", I read it as "nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of my vagina's intense fragility"...the power.  Not in that horrible way I used to be treated as some form of wonton woman intent on seducing every man in my sight, but in the proven power of my feminine strength, destiny, and abundance of love and acceptance.  Accepting and appreciating myself, my whole self, as divinely capable of seeing truth and following after my calling is where the power and strength resides.

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

The voice of my vagina's eyes is deeper than all roses.  Even though I can view my vagina as the rose or for that matter myself, (see: when I first did this show, the director had pictures of all sorts of flowers flashing across the walls and screen during the pre-show as a symbol of the vagina), the fact of the matter is my self, my being, my vagina is more intensely powerful and worthy of more love than that of the rose, all comparisons aside.

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

Vagina Diaries Day 3

Well, it is day 3, at least in my world.  So, I didn't get around to writing this and posting it yesterday, but whose being legalistic here?  Not I.

So, the word Angina, say it to yourself.  You know what it means, a word describing chest pain without heart attack.  Okay, now that you said it aloud, what word does it sound like, rhyme with?

That's right.  Vagina.  Really, a word, Angina, that is synonymous with pain is similar sounding to a woman's body part.  Why? Who came up with that? My guess is it wasn't a woman, what do you think?

What's that say about the societal viewpoint on Vaginas? Or rather, more specifically, what's that say about a woman's viewpoint on her own vagina? A place of pain and discomfort, let alone, the big secret that everyone knows about, is constantly aware of.

Okay, wait a minute.

Guys like it, well, straight guys anyway.  Lesbian girls like it too.  Gay guys, well, we know their thoughts on it, they are sympathetic to girls' plight but like us straight girls don't want go there.  Ever.

Why?

We bleed there, there's cramps there, sometimes random infections and stuff like that.  So, why do you want to touch it? This dark, moist cavity between our legs,keyword here, dark.  Scary? Is it scary to know ourselves, discover our strength, purpose, our own empowerment in being truly feminine, our true divine selves?

Think about it.  I know I will.

Vagina Diaries Day 2

January 3rd, 2015

(A day late but what they hey!!)

I was in the drug-store the other day, randomly walking the aisles and I was looking at all the stuff we use on our vagina, like monistat and vagisal, stuff to keep it either healthy or clean or both, rather.  It made me think about how as a culture we spend so much to keep it "decent" and yet in the end that stuff doesn't always work, our bodies get used to the medications.

I realized gratefully how I have not needed any sort of stuff like this since I found out a few years back when I found out that I had celiac's disorder, and that before that I had these painful UTIs and such all too frequently.  (A note for those of you that have frequent issues such as these, get a blood test for celiac's, just a thought!)

When I started this journey, I realized that I still felt a little uncomfortable with this topic; my vagina.  However, I feel the need to celebrate the fact that as I go further in my life journey, I have grown less afraid of the whole thing.  I no longer see it as dirty, am no longer afraid to touch it without feeling shame (and know the appropriate time to do so), and love being able to pamper myself there with special soaps and washes to help it stay clean, smell nice, and pretty.  This, I believe wholeheartedly, in an improvement not only in my acceptance of my vagina but in my overall sense of self-worth as a woman.  I am not out to seduce a man merely because of my physical body or because I can openly express my femininity.  I am strong, powerful, and highly capable of anything I put my mind and focus on, desires of my own spiritual and creative growth.

Vagina Diaries Day 1

January 1st, 2015

So, here goes my brave venture into opening up my thoughts on my vagina.  When I first started talking about this to friends, that my next play was the "Vagina Monologues" and that I had started a daily Vagina diary I got some mixed reviews.  Very few were excited about this venture and happy for me, but most were shocked and hurried off before more could be said on the conversation.  One was a young 14 year old girl.  This saddened me that there is so much shame around a part of our bodies, a vital part not just for our physiology but to our emotional, mental, and spiritual understandings of ourselves as women.  Furthermore, the degradation of our vagina and all its components contributes to our influence and position in society as a whole.  We are looked down upon as the weaker sex, so to speak.

I speak for myself mostly.  Back in college, Vagina Monologues was the only play I did and not very successfully in my eyes in today's standards (for me personally).  But, it stuck with me and that is why I have wanted since I got back on 'the boards' to do it again.  I'm older now and I said a few days ago on facebook, I've been around the block a bit more.  In that time, I know I've gotten more comfortable with my vagina as a part of myself as well as grown comfortable with my femininity as an aspect of personal strength and empowerment, despite the times in the fundamentalist environment.  However, perhaps due to that spree in the conservative church-world, there are still aspects of myself hanging on at the fringes that don't understand about that part of myself, or find it disgusting, confusing, shameful.

I have grown a little.  For starters, being a little more open about my interest in the fairer sex, not that I would ever "go there", but I must admit there is and has always been a little attraction.  I think the issue of sexuality runs on a spectrum and I'm more lined up with the hetero-side with sparks into the bisexuality.  After ten plus years of dating and even a marriage in there, and never once even kissing a girl, I think I can at last say that the interest lies mostly at speculation.  So there's that, at least and at last, I can be honest about that.  And, I think that that in no way takes away from my issues of faith or spirituality (falling more in line with the progressive or liberal bent these days) but in fact adds to it, the fact that I can be honest with myself and others affirms my relationship with a higher power, of sorts.

But, there is one thing that I must admit at my age that I still don't get.  Okay, here it is, I don't really know all the parts of the vagina and how it all works.  Like, if you asked me where and what the clit is, I'd have to admit I didn't know or had a vague idea of where it was, you know, somewhere "down there".  I mean, the fact is, I've always treated it as some sort of dirty little secret but must admit I've gotten better in this area, finally allowing myself to explore the region through masturbation by myself and in front of my boyfriend.  (Too much information? Well, look at the subject matter!)

Anyway, I think that will be the first aspect and focus of my two month long (or so, who knows it could run after the show) discovery, just getting to know the physical aspect of my vagina, inside and outside.  Being able to label and then point to the different parts both by looking and by feel will be the first step in my healing and acceptance of my womanly essence.  From there, I will allow naturally any other spiritual and/or emotional thoughts to flow freely, come what may let's see how this thing develops.

I did allow myself one lay down on the bathroom floor, legs spread apart, with a mirror.  First thought, after I tried to "label" the parts at first go was, what's the big deal? I mean, what do straight guys and lesbians see in this shriveled pinkish body part, where not only do girls urinate from but also once a month for about 7 days give or take a few bleed from.  I don't see the attraction although the benefits of their desire (mostly from men) I am thankful for.  I put it before, hetero guys and lesbo chicks, why?

So, here's what I want to discover, why is this body part so shameful overall in society? How can I break free from this viewpoint and be able to firmly grasp my feminine strength and power? How can I help others to have this freedom throughout this process? (This blog, perhaps? Who knows?)

That's all for today.  More tomorrow.

Thoughts on the New Year & the Old Year passing.

It is not what will 2015 bring, but moreover what will I bring forth, in a sense, birth through my own thoughtful intentions and focus.  This is what I have seen happen throughout my journey through 2014, and even the many many years previous, putting forth the focused energy and intentions of one's own desires brings forth the fruition of those desires, call it prayer or mindfulness what have you, it works.

Recently, I have been feeling as if the year slowly fading away was not as fruitful as I had wanted it to be, but upon careful reflection I realized my focus was too much on financial prosperity and not on what is most important, namely all the spiritual, emotional, and creative growth that transpired.  In all truth, I have developed in ways I could not imagine, as a person and as an artist, spiritually developed a broader mind and a more open heart full of compassion for all people and have been able to offer forgiveness to my past self and those who have wronged me--and that sense of self doubt I felt was focusing upon too much my need for financial wealth (not that financial stability and independence are in themselves wrong) but that which is more important is my own self worth as a woman and an artist.

Truly, I think the most profound gift I have gained from 2014 is 'freedom', in so many facets, such as the freedom to explore myself, to make choices based on my likes and dislikes, my ever-growing spirituality, my creativity in all its forms, and finally the opportunity and the space to heal from past hurts and abuse.  It is that that has been the best of 2014, for me, and has made the most resounding impact.  That alone, then, is the most important goal going forward for 2015.

Of course, there are the other goals, or rather resolutions, that we all make as the year comes to the close with another around the bend, one of which for me is, in fact, financial independence, stability, and prosperity.  Most notably to finally at last be 'debt-free by 2016 and to finally at last be off disability with my own career and self-generated income (without having to ever work again the dreaded 9-5, the very thought of which leads me screaming hysterically into the night, a horror film in my own mind).

Then there is the basic lists of resolutions, the ones that we all want and not just that in the New Year.

First, I want to read more, say a book a week, well maybe.  With an eye focused more on the classics, you know, finish the Lord of the Rings series, finally slog my way through Paradise Lost (I wrote a script where the main character reads that in hopes of a return to her own Paradise Lost), to read the Hugo's Les Miserables in its entirety to truly find out if that story is not just merely about a guy who chased another guy for 40 some years because he stole a loaf of bread (obsess much?), and of course to become a full-fledged Shakespeare Snob (like my friend, Raven, who I mention with all due respect) by reading through all of his works.

Secondly, I want to sing more and not just privately, but I want to be known as a performer in this way.  I want people to seek me out at parties begging me on bended knee to please, please sing for them.  Well, maybe not that far, but the point is, I want to sing more.

Thirdly, I want to dance more for art and for fitness because simply put its fun.  Well, also I really want people to seek me out at parties begging me to....okay, I won't start that again.

Next, I want to do the play, The Glass Menagerie, somewhere somehow.  If I could choose just one play to do this year, well, that would be the one.  (Hear that, Richard?)

Next, of course, more films, more modeling gigs.  You know, honestly I want to do something where someone really big and famous says "Hey, whose that girl?"  A girl can dream, can't she?

Then, I want to travel more for work and play, as much as possible.

Lastly, I want to be able to shower my loved ones, family, friends, Michael with an abundance of love and affection.  More importantly, I want the freedom and the privilege to do this for myself without judgment from self or others.  In this, I hope to continue to grow and deepen an appreciation for myself, thankful for who I was and where I came from but moving forward always not looking back.

This year, I will find myself more and more as I truly am, come what may, highs and lows (as what has come) and I will continue to thrive as, The Rose.

The Rose

Have a great 2015! Happy New Year!

Meet Carla Gehry

I am a single mother raising my biological son, Kevin, who is 5 and my niece, Dareen, who is also 5.  My sister gave up full custody of her daughter to me, as she was unable to care for her, well, she chose a really bad boyfriend over her baby girl.

Taking in Dareen has been more of a challenge that I would have though, not just in additional time and financial constraints but in the emotional memories and reflexes that are brought up from this new life change, that have begun to burden me with reminders of my own past abuse.

With this new found stress of raising a second child on my own, I found myself reverting to instincts of anger passed onto me by my dad, who would react with rage to every minor irritant he assumed we had caused.  Knowing that, like me, Dareen was wounded and damaged from previous years of abuse, I decided to seek help through outside sources to help raise her.

However, throughout the experience in both parenting classes and seeing my very own shrink, Doc Wilson,  I started discovering more about my own self than I would have imagined.  As the layers of pain were peeled off like the skin of an onion, I found healing and wholeness.

Trying to Make My Way...

Hi! I'm Carol Woolery and I am a 19 year old student at NYU.  I am originally from Climax, Michigan, a very small town, and this is my first experience on my own in a big city!  It's exciting but scary at the same time.  I am also the first of my family to go to college.  There are four kids in my family and I am the oldest.  We aren't a rich family, in no way possible, so basically its up to me to follow my dreams and foot the bill along the way.

So, not only do I take out a lot of loans to pay for college, but I also work nearly full-time to cover the rest, including rent, utilities, food, and other necessities.  Due to this constant schedule of busyness between school and work (and maybe at times some form of social life, okay, not at all), I am very tired during class and very lonely at home.  This makes it very hard for me to focus and understand all the material in class.  So, fearing that I will fail, I take the effort to go to each of my profs, who are very helpful, in fact.  When I get to the last appointment of the day with Professor John (as he likes us to call him), something quite unusual happens.

After that appointment, I find myself sitting in the student union, having a small bite to eat, and soon find myself lapsing into a conversation with some other students.  I tell them about what just happened in Professor John's class and they, horrified, convince me of this wrongfulness and urge me (with much manipulation) to press charges.  I finally feel a sense of power, belonging, and confidence, in short, I no longer feel lonely...I have friends, but at what cost?

Really, I just want understanding...

Carol Woolery is designed from the character, Carol, from the play, Oleanna, by David Mamet, of which I am doing a scene for my acting class.  Ira Rubin, my scene partner, plays the part of John.
The acting class is held at Camelot Theatre in Talent, OR on Monday nights and is taught by Steven Dominguez.