Father's Love, or something of that nature

So, this morning in my prayer and devotional time, I happened to fall upon Matthew 6, specifically verse 9, which the Lord Jesus speaks of how we should pray.  Now, I know those who may have been exposed to Catholicism have a different viewpoint of this prayer, that is one of memorization and too structured for their taste, and that, honestly, is how I used to see it.  But, I had it explained to me, a few years ago, that gave me a fresh perspective of the idea of prayer, worship, and my relationship with, none other, than the Father God.

Now, those of you who know me personally, know I have had issues with my own father, indeed even men that could be father figures, for actually not being who I wanted them or needed them to be.  This has in fact led to some insecurities and misunderstandings with the Father God, in a sense, I am okay with the Son and the Spirit, but this Father figure, who is He, really?

So, in the past years, I have begun to look at what it means to have a Father, what my needs are for that and how this trouble with a father figure has caused trouble in relationships with men, of all ages, and even a lack of trust in friends of the same sex.  Just all around feeling rotten about the whole relationship issue, and even, slipping into some relative form of codependency, which is to say, maybe they won't hurt me or leave me or be mean to me if I do everything to please them and make them like me.  Well, that doesn't really work.

So, in my time of healing, I decided that I wanted to look at what it means to have a Father that loves me, is there for me, won't leave me.  The only true infallible father that meets these "requirements" is in fact the Father in Heaven.  As John writes in his first epistle,

"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1)

So, with a stretch of my faith, I allow the love of the Father to fill me and accept his gracious pouring out of love, knowing that this will not only strengthen me in all my endeavors, empower me to overcome my weaknesses, and help me, in effect, know how to rightly behave in relationships of any kind.

So, looking at the Lord's prayer, I am awakened to a new sense of understanding, a new revelation:

"Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be your name." (Matt. 6:9)

So, remember this doesn't mean that you have to pray these exact words, but really I think, to start out your prayers meditating on and being thankful for the awesome greatness and sovereignty of the Father, in a sense, being thankful for the love He so graciously gives us.  And, I say yesterday, asking in faith for these abundant blessings He has promised us.

So, today, Father, I worship you, I pray, not only in this moment, but in the moments to follow and in the days, weeks, months, years to come.  I worship you for your perfect plan for my life.  I pray that today, in all I do, I would meditate on and constantly be aware of your presence, your power, and your promises.  I thank you for all you have done for me in the past, what you have for me today, and in the future.  I surrender to you with hope and patience.  And yes, Lord, I thank you so greatfully for Jesus.  In love, Amen.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear...

So, how do you make gluten-free chocolate chip cookies?

I've been trying off and on for months, whenever I can afford good chocolate chips and whenever I find that mad craving, like the other night I dreamed I had gooey gooey chocolate chip cookies, and ate them all as quick as can be.  That was a dream...but when I try to make it, they come out all flat and burned, never like the pictures you see in magazines or cookbooks.  I seem to be able to make brownies and cakes, but the art of chocolate chip cookies evades me.

The other night I tried to make gluten-free graham cracker brownies (did you know there are actually, really, bona-fide gluten-free graham crackers now? PTL), however, tried and, could I say, failed...my husband and I ended up eating all the chocolate chips and graham crackers...we couldn't resist and me having this nasty nagging hanging on cold, I seem to be a little tired to cook, oh well, life goes on.  But, I am starting to feel better, after garlic-gluten-free-buffalo burgers, I coughed up some flem (yay, aren't you glad you just read that?) and then fell fast asleep on clean sheets and woke up with the sniffles and such and such gone.
But, here is another gross part, when I went #2, blood came out and what do you say to that, (after gagging and maybe barfing), its because I ate gluten, in what, sadly, girl scout cookies.  Yes, its true but I can no longer enjoy the deliciousness of girl scout cookies.  (Too bad, they aren't actually made of girl scouts, hey, wait a minute!)

Anyway, prayers and good thoughts are requested.  God has opened up several doors for me to work close to home in Ashland (actually within walking distance, if I can get up early enough) basically self-employed.  Already, I have two nanny jobs that pay well, hopefully, with increasing hours and am waiting on a caregiving job which is mostly in the bag!  Today, I have applied for a weeding/pet sitting job, a tutoring job, and, even, a modeling job.  So, fingers crossed, prayers go up, and I stand, as much as I possibly can, waiting in faith. 
Yeah, doesn't it seem we are always waiting, waiting, waiting....the trick is to relax and enjoy the ride or the walk or the crawl...

And, for the past three months since this momentous year began, my husband and I have been praying for than just, Lord, provide for our needs, but for the abundant blessings and wealth, not just wordly, but spiritual...but, in fact, that not only will our needs be met, but fulfilled over and abundantly.  And, now it seems we are finally getting caught up on bills and other expenses, and with faithfulness to give out what we have, God seems to be providing just that.  (Like, for example, when I added up all my groceries in my head and then went up to pay, it came out to the exact amount that I had calculated, PTL!)

So, the message for today is: Don't just pray for the poverty line, pray for everything you can ask for and more, and trust that God will provide in accordance with his will, because, after all, hasn't he always promised us the kingdom, his entire heart, love, everything that we desire:

The Prayer of Jabez says:

Oh, that you would bless me indeed
and enlarge my territory
that your hand would be with me,
and that you would keep me from evil.

He who has ears to hear let him hear.

Let God, Let Go?

So much is happening in my life personally, both internally and externally, and yet both seem to have an effect on my own being....as I am sure much change is occuring in your lives, dear reader...from gray hairs to increasingly rising gas prices (which probably are causing the gray hairs) to new beginnings....well, it all wraps up in some kind of purpose...for all of us.

Yeah, these last so many years (6 or so, I lose count), I think I have really struggled, grown, yes, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (no, not physically)...but, in the grand scheme of things, I must admit I have been a royal b with an "itch", pardon my french (what, that's not french?)  Alon-sy, let's move on!

So, I have been praying for healing in my own heart, in those relationships I have wronged, and for those people as well...and in time going to them, making amends, offering my apology, and then just practicing the art of letting go, which can be difficult, but with God's grace all things are possible...and letting that individual decide whether they want to return or move on....all things, including relationships, have a reason, to everything there is a season, including friendships...And, I am thankful for each one, the ones that have newly come into my life, the ones that have hung on for years, and the ones who have moved on...each have made my life richer, brighter, and more meaningful.  In short, all of you have made me a 'rainbow', made me the person I am today... All of you are reflections of God's love in my life!!!

So, now my heart struggles with what to do about forgiving and moving on with two people who in the past have had primary roles in my life, my college boyfriend and high school best friend!!! Seriously, it has been years since the horribleness of high school and what happened with that girl, and I keep thinking, really, that I have forgiven and forgotten, but then it rises up again...and really it always boils down to trust.  I just don't think I CAN trust her, but I wish I could.  It causes quite an anxiety about someone I used to love, even though it has been years.  So, I keep breathing, and releasing, and saying "Let God, let go" of this particular situation that has plagued me for almost 15 years +.

The next is the boyfriend, and this one, is closer to forgiving because I am starting to see that maybe he did some good...so, I guess, that is all in the timing.

But, the question is, do I want these people back in my life?  Can I trust them?

Yeah, I guess as I learned in the play I just performed in, Our ways are not God's ways, there is a purpose for everything and a timing...but, the thing is, I am not even really thankful for the fact that these people were in my life at one point and can't even fathom the good they did...GAAA!  But, all God asks is that we give out grace, as he did, and forgive, as he did....Can I? Can you?

What are your thoughts? What do you think I should do?

2012: Wow, we made it, so what's next?

So, yeah, we have made it through almost 3 months of twenty-twelve, so how's it all been for you?  So far, has it been what you expected?  Had any amazingly powerful experiences that have transformed you, well, maybe....blessings from above, the divinity of love that knows no bounds...well, have you?

It seems like there is always some kind of speculation about certain years, some meaning different spiritual backgrounds can find significance in, whatever that may be, I mean, no disrespect.  Some look forward to the rapture, whether imminent or in some distant future....some look for some other futuristic society or shift of consciousness.  Whatever it may be, all believe in some kind of awakening, new beginning...what do you believe? What do you hope for?

Sometime around 2006ish, my friend with the name of the Elite university told me that in 2007 the world would end, in a sense, some major event would occur that would change us all...sadly, I must admit, this statement did not excite me, but however, worried me.  Well, obviously, 2007 came and went and we are still here....but are we?

However, for me personally, my major breakdown and life changing event happened during 2007, a new beginning, an awakening, a divine encounter which brought about a new identity and however troubling and hard it may have been, I look back on it, with I guess, a sense of accomplishment.

And remember way back to the dawning of 2000?  Y2K, ring a bell?  We were told to expect some major breakdown of technology, everything going haywire, planes falling from the sky, perhaps...and did that happen.  Maybe, in some alternate reality!

So, now we are here in 2012, can you believe how fast time travels?  And we wait for the fateful 12/21/12, do you believe something will happen?  A fresh start for mankind or the end of it all?  Or both?  We shall have to see.  Or perhaps, this year will bring about a cataclysmic change in our own personal lives, and maybe that's all we should be hoping and waiting for...because, as I have learned, the only person we can be responsible for, and truly know, is ourselves...like, we all have to be accountable for ourselves.

So, whatever the future holds, I hope and pray for myself and all of you that it will bring something new, something transforming...whether or not we have to go through some kind of hardship to get there.

Peace, love, and Chocolate cookies to all of you!

A Desolate Place

God is more real to us in desolate places; he reveals himself to us in our brokenness and humility, in our times of sunshine, we sometimes become filled with false pride that hinders us from truly being aware of his presence, always with us, and less receptive to his still small voice...

These last few weeks I have been working and driving, working and driving, seemingly driving more than working, and yet feeling the increasing stress as the price of gas rises higher and higher.  As we all rightly know, we've got bills to pay and the money we fork over at the gas tank seems to make that inaccessible.

In the midst of the rush, I became too lost in my own frantic mind to remember to wait on the Lord, as a result, the stress began to overwhelm me.  I found myself, more tense, more angry, and even suicidal.  Yes, the time of the month grew closer and closer but even still the lack of God-time increased the amount of anxiety, I do admit.

As the close of that job came, I found time to sleep, meditate, and, most importantly, curl up in the Word of God and in all of this, I felt the stress lighten, the mind clear, and the heart found rest.  Truly, I must remember, as we all shall, that the physical health rests not just this earthly realm but, most importantly, in the spiritual, which in turn, gives us the nurturing health in the emotional and mental.

Truly, when we are broken, in the desolate places, we found the comfort of the Lord.  So, trust, abide, and wait on his love and grace.

Patience, for he is coming to you.  And yet, is always with you.

The Beauty of Childhood

A little too much gingko yesterday and so much got done, laundry, brownies, healthy dinner, garbage, litterbox....but truly I have found much success from taking my gingko biloba, my memory has definitely sharpened!!  Funny thing is, I think I took an extra one because I forgot if I had taken it or not, so what does that say?  I don't know...

So, finally, when I laid down to sleep, my mind started drifting off with the swirling cacophony of dreams, somehow I got on those firecrackers we used to have when we were younger, the ones that sparkle and you have to shake in order to keep lit.  Which reminded me of a 4th when I was a child, about two or three ( a fact that the gingko is working, if I can remember that!),  my mom or dad handed me one of those sparklers and I didn't know what to do with it, until they told me to shake it, so it went out pretty quick-style.  The fact is, they didn't tell me before they handed it to me that I needed to shake it, but probably in their eyes, as most adults think, that I didn't understand...and I have to admit that my thought of children is that they need a little extra instruction, and perhaps, as a teacher, that is what is needed in some categories, as shall we say "contemporary education"...but in other ways, the child is actually more present, more aware, and more pure than what we are...and isn't that what we all strive for?  (I am speaking, in regards, to all spiritual backgrounds and interests!)  In my perspective, it is what Jesus was referring to when he said, "let the little children come to me", as only the child is pure enough to completely yield themselves to loving  him fully, honestly, and completely.

But, what I remember about that moment, is that I was completely in the moment with the sparkler, I was completely absorbed in the beauty of the sparkling light, something that those around me were unable to see...because, perhaps, in my childlike innocence and faith, I was able to see...and in that moment, I was closer to my creator than I am in these days!

I always had an innate interest in the spirituality, even in a family that claimed to be agnostic, even atheist.  And, yes, I was the only child raised without a religious education, in some degree, yet they only one that openly sought out any form of aspect of the divine.  Perhaps, it was because of my creativity, or my affinity to the craziness, but the spirit-world always called to me.  I was intrigued by nature and once kneeled in the midst of a fairy ring ( a ring of mushrooms) and felt the magic soaring through me.  I remember always believing in a God, saying he lived in the clouds, but He was there.  As a child, I read the Narnia books and believed wholeheartedly in that other realm, used to search for it in my backyard.  As I grew, I read The Tao of Pooh and Deepak Chopra.  I studied Buddhism, after we traveled to Thailand when I was a child.  Later on, my sister gave me a book on Astrology (Linda Goodman's Sun Signs) and I read it from cover to cover, would discuss it with my friends.  This led into Wicca and I started dabbling in spells and rituals that awakened my understanding of the spiritual and natural realm, and how they combined.  Because of this, I was constantly aware of the unseen.  I could understand and relay meanings of my friends' and my own dreams, with accuracy.  A friend got me interested in tarot cards, and that too helped understand myself, my future, and the direction I needed to take in choices and relationships.

Through all of this, God called to me, and mostly through nature.  He called me closer and closer to the sparkling light I saw that 4th of July with the firecracker.  It was his unconditional love that I desired and it was what I found in Jesus.  Please know this isn't a plug for Christianity; I honestly see myself, in a sense, as a Pagan-Christian, and with that, I must emphasize my need and craving for Jesus.  In my heart, I cannot see life without him.  Through all my travelings in the spirit realm, His love was calling for me and it was to him I sought after; that endless love and forgiveness.  Yet, I haven't forgotton or truly given up my so-called Pagan background, it is what enriches and clarifies, in some fashion, my love for the divine.

My message for all of you, whatever your spiritual inclination, is to give Jesus a try.  Please don't let yourself be offended by him and please know that whatever bad thing you have done that may keep you from him, please know that he forgives you and loves you where you are at, no matter what you have done or been through...and that is my prayer and hope for myself, that I would remember.  And, also that presence of mind and heart that I had as a child, that childlike wonder and faith, would manifest itself in my life in my now grown-up world.  Whatever your background, insights on spirituality, faith, remember that beauty of childhood that awakened your senses to the other realm...

This next Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate our first annivarsary and truly it has been a year of growth, self-discovery, and connection.  Bill is my best friend, lover, partner....and I cannot imagine walking through this life without him by my side.  Marriage has helped me understand deeper the love my creator has for me, also the forgiveness.  As I hang on every word and gaze at my husband, I strive to remember the love that He (or she) has for me, the love that knows no boundaries, no restrictions, and that will always and has always been there...to hang on his word and to gaze on him daily.  I pray that that divinity will be between myself and my husband and fill our house, our lives, our individual paths...that each day both of us would awaken with that peace of mind and unending love....that is the gift He gives to me and I pass onto my love, my friends....and all the world

New Years' Eve Resolutions, or something like that

Now, I know what you are thinking, who makes resolutions these days, I mean, who really keeps them?  So, that's why I added "or something like that".  It seems like all of us, without consciously thinking about it, tend to rethink our lives around the New Year; pause for self analysis.  And, usually we know from childhood, when we actually made resolutions, that they are usually broken, because sometimes they are a little far fetched, or sometimes a little out of the blue, something maybe we haven't already been praying about, meditating on, or pondering over and preparing ourselves for over the past months.  And, as you may know, I have been going through a bit of hard spot these past few months, but with diligence and faithfulness and prayer, I have walked myself through it and given much thought to what I need to be healthy.  Here are a few:

1.) Put my health first, ie all forms, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, they all connect in some way.  Be more mindful of my health and wellness, and hope against hope that the fragments of my biology, mind, and heart can be mended into a whole, but with patience, peace, and rest in waiting on God; after all, God is not through with me yet.

2.)  Get off meds, ie psychotropics (mostly for the healthy babies I want to have), and this might take a couple to a few years, but its a worthy goal, and its one that will take a lot of learning about diet (what goes into the body), the right supplements, diligence to pursue exercise in some way daily, pray, meditate, read the bible every day or more (just, in general, pray more/meditate more, basically retrain your brain to be more mindful and focused.)  Make getting healthy your main career.  Chart your moods, sleep schedules, diet, exercise.

3.) Be more mindful, in general, of how you behave around others, the words that come out of your mouth; pray that your speech and conduct is seasoned with the holy spirit, a spirit of gentleness. 

4.) Be on time, more mindful of your time.  Organize your time so you can wake up for work with plenty of time for devotionals, exercise, meditation.  Get your sleep cycle under control, with or without the lorezapan. 

5.) Be more conscious of your appearance, take better care of your hygiene, ie at night, have a bedtime ritual that includes brushing your teeth, washing your face, and also read some kind of spiritual book or pray or meditate to calm your mind.  Try to get your hair trimmed and face waxed once a month.  Get to bed at a reasonable time for what your needs are the next day.  Eat healthily and regularly, no matter how the meds make you feel or if its that time of the month, etc.

6.) Write every day, do more artistic activities, join a writing group, if possible, and read more.  Now, the reading one will be the easiest because no one ever has to tell me to read, all my life I've read multiple books at a time, been a bookworm with my nose almost firmly planted in the pages, devouring the words.  But, the writing, well, I must not beat myself up too much if I don't get to it for awhile, but just do my best to accomplish what I can.

Now, that's all I really want to commit to, or just ponder committing, lastly, of course, pray with and for my husband, ask questions and be more attentive to his viewpoints, his work schedule, try not to sound too pushy or controlling or codependent; just be attentive to his needs, as well as mine, and do what I can to make him happy, healthy, and well.