Autonomy: I Can Have Nice Things #womensrights #reproductiverights

 Like many women, female presenting, trans-sisters, and male allies, I have watched over the last several years as women's' reproductive rights have been challenged and slowly, but surely, systematically stripped away.  As a woman still bleeding yet quickly heading toward "The M Bomb", I haven't yet grasped the fullness of what having these rights taken away means absolutely.  Added to that, I am a woman living in a purple-ish state, in a particular city that is very liberal, is known as the "hippie artsy-fartsy" city in the western hemisphere of the States United, thus these challenges to my rights as a member of a particular sex and gender have yet to be at risk.  

But, then as a person saddled with the weight of trauma who only recently have been able to label, whether it be family, religious, or intimate partner, the impact is of an intense overwhelm that extends itself into every area of my daily life and inner psyche.  With these memories of others' chronic abuse and overpowering, gasping as I swayed away as my husband threw an expensive wedding gift by my ear or a fist against the wall near my head, a religious leader's manipulation convincing my femininity was the fault of his failings, to name a mere few, lends itself to this inner core belief that I am unworthy, of such things as success, prosperity, wealth, even true happiness, of having nice things. Yes, the fundamentalist Christian teachings helped enhance the already broken self worth from years of abuse previous with their insistence that nothing within myself is good or can ever be good, in fact, I am truly unworthy of good.

It definitely leaves a mark.

Thus, this history of personal misogyny enforced and insisted equals that of the collective feminine.  The insistence of taking away the freedom to choose, to have power over one's body. emphasizes the deeper need of one gender to control, subdue, subjugate the other.  In fact, labeling the latter as 'weaker' collectively increases the likelihood of increasing the import of such dominance.  Yet, strength is not something that can be quantified equally based on physical, mental, emotional, all have different ways of showing strength regardless of sex or gender, based on one's own life experience and personal history.  In my view, the insistence of one sex to take away the bodily autonomy of another in the attempt to subjugate shows true lack of strength.  

Recently, I had a phone conversation with a dear female friend, a few years above me in wisdom, and we discussed her recent experiences coaching woman through tarot reading that were senior to her.  They were asking her for advice, guidance, which seemed strange to her, shouldn't they be imparting towards me?  With that, I realized how the fullness of impact of decades, nay centuries, long subjugated of the lack of choice, bodily autonomy has impacted the emotional, mental abilities generationally.  

It has only been as recent as the 70's, some 40 years-ish ago, that women have been granted bodily autonomy in some fashion.  The physical effects the emotional and the mental, for both sexes and all genders.  If one is told they have power over the other, they will feel empowered to embody that control in all arenas, at times abusive and other times indirectly.  Those that have been systemically informed they are less than, unable to impact society as a whole, a voice not deserving of reckoning or even being heard, affects the overall worthiness of standing up, speaking out, even self actualization and understanding.

For me, then, this societal and personal life-long impact was fully recognized when I visited a mid-wife with request for assistance with extreme menstrual pain, to the point of inability to function.  As I sat in the room, discussing openly the possible issues, such as possible STI, endometriosis, cancer, and treatment options, the light dawned on me the importance of speaking openly about one's health, without fear or shame, and thus receiving that care with safety for all involved, that of myself and the  midwives in service to me.  This revelation brought into light the depth of my lifelong belief of my unworthiness and helped me recognize that I truly am capable of success, prosperity, wealth, that true happiness is attainable and rightfully mine, that truly, truly "I can have nice things."