Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 85: The One With The Male Creatures #r...

What the hell is a "male creature?" Why does my younger self use such a description? Find out why in this week's episode where I share a special and very memorable conversation with some "female creatures" at summer camp. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

2023 A Retrospective #lookingbackissteppingforward #healing #release

 

Lisa Thiel - Invocation

I call upon Powers of East and Air 

and all of the energies pure and fair 

Powers of wisdom and clarity, 

Powers of the winged ones and of Faerie 

Powers of thought and of the mind,

 ideas that inspire human kind 

Power of hope and the eternal dawn, 

Power to begin anew and continue on 

Powers of the Air, be with us this night, 

bring your blessing to this Rite

As I sit here typing in the dying embers of the year 2023, another year of life slipping away, to birth the new freshness of what comes next, I find myself meditative as I ponder the extent of all that was encapsulated in this year.  As New Year's Eve approaches, I always become less festive than the other 'winter holidays', more inward focused and self-reflective.  And, this year has been one for the books, I tell you, so much having occurred within and without, that I scarcely can believe that its been only a mere 12 months.  With all that I personally have packed in, added to that the immensity of craziness the outside world seems to constantly erupt, this year, similar to other recent years, feels as if a multitude of twelve month span happened.  

Personally, it's been a year of expansive healing, finally feeling the real fullness of release and letting go, through my artistic endeavors seeping into relationship.  Starting with the film project, I AM FINE, where I shared the story of a young man's struggle with his sexuality amidst a controlling religion, tied into my own personal demons with religious trauma.  Time connecting deeply with the actors on set and off allowed me to begin to find the strength to stand up, speak out, and be heard, for myself as well as for those unable.  This led to deepening relationship with other religious trauma survivors of my denomination's ilk and reuniting with another.  Finally, I bravely penned a letter to a religious leader whose words and actions poisoned my path towards healing. 

This was the beginnings of unraveling the toxicity of mistrust in relationships, of wanting to flee to the assumed safety of my home, living like it was still 'lockdown' somewhere.  But, the inkling of connectivity in those early days of the years coupled with the reality of now several years in therapy and my recovery, I began to open up a little, to trust, to explore relationships, specifically what pure and healthy interactions look and feel like, in contrast to what I had experienced.  It became easier and easier to walk away, to pull up the weeds of the toxic, and see the roses of healthy connections bloom.  

From a small ragtag group of friends who once again awakened in me the crazy night-time shenanigans to be had in Ashland to joining a 12 step group to at last begin my healing of my relationship addiction, my understanding of real and healthy relationship continues to deepen and awaken my self worth.

Creativity continues to be the utmost balm of healing and release, stories told as an unraveling of self-discovery, making meaning out of madness and pain, in order to fully release and step forward. I continued with my "Journaling Through The Years" vlog series, started in 2020, where I read an entry from my journals I have written in throughout every phase of my life, commenting on and sharing with as much authenticity as possible.  Diving deep within the pages of my life has afforded me the grace to understand myself, to recognize the love that was always with me even when unable to see, and has helped me further in understanding and forgiving not merely myself but those I care for deeply.

Journaling Through The Years

I have continued to deepen my view of self as an artist, branching out from 'actor' to work behind the camera as director, cinematographer, graphic artist.  Moreover, I have continued to delve into the fine arts both as painter and drawer and in my happily chosen profession as an 'art model'.  As I hungrily digest story after story of real-life art models down through the ages, listen hard to the discussions of the craft of fine art while in classes modeling, I find myself diving deeper into an appreciation for my profession, the history of it, and its value for my own life as an evolving and thriving artist. 

My understanding of the craft of acting has deepened as well with my intense study of acting teachers from Stanislavsky on up.  These studies are part of my awakening abilities as entrepreneur, with the building of the lesson plans for my courses, "Acting For Everyone" and "How To Be A Life Model", with other courses to come.  However, the gift I was unaware of as I began was that myself as an actor and artist has deepened and broadened.

Through all this, I have learned the value of mindfulness in daily life, not always having to get down on a mat in weird 'twister-like' positions, but simply to take in each moment with a child-like awareness.  Blessed experiences of life are found in the simple, need not be manufactured or planned, if only to be open oneself to all that surrounds, peering at the beauty of a piece of the inside of a tree bark, black birds perched in an empty tree, the beautiful eye contact with a dear kindred spirit, laughter, deep hugs, truly listening, deep conversations, good food.  

This is what I take with me into 2024, not the list of 'resolutions' to do better, but the simple moment of awakening each day, to try and not give up, to believe in the journey, not the destination, continuing those on my long-held intentions, those that I have achieved live within as promises that others will come to fruition, but knowing that it is not in my power to decree when, but merely to rest in the small and large steps.  After all, " The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step."

And that, dear one, is the secret to 2024, to each day, week, month, year that comes, one single step follows another.  

Always remember, as I say in my "Journal" vlog series,

You matter, Your life matters, You are loved, & You Are Worthy Of Love.  

And, my ultimate wish for you in the new year and always is, to

Love Your Thrive & Find Your Sunshine

Join us Sunday, December 31st as we look back on Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Year: 

 Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Memory Reel #lookingback #steppingforward #heal #thrive

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 84: What Is Love, No Really, I Wanna K...

In this episode, I go back in time a bit....to an episode I filmed before the last episode....so its all wibbly wobbly timey wimey (iykyk),and share a poem or prose thingy searching for the meaning of love...do you know yet? Cuz I don't really yet...but my 16 year oldish self does a pretty bang up job of it. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Memory Reel #lookingback #steppingf...

Featured Artists of 2023: Pedro Boyd, RuRu, Theta Eisenberg, Maggie Racich, Corinne Theile, Shannon Bugg, John Parman, Twanissa Cox, Corky Gardner, Gary Kout, Marina Whitchurch, Russell Mitchell How We Thrive: Asela Lee Kemper Coffee Chat & Book Review: Jim Falkenstein I AM FINE: West Christy, Alexandra Szabo, Trevor Pekas, Denise Baker, Michael Meyer, Alison Duren-Sutherland, with Mindie Mollie, Annie Fichera, Madeleine Fichera, Izzy Fichera, Douglas Baker One Day: Lia-Liz Rose Dugal, Amelia Rose Real: Jules Eismann, Noah Fitterer, RuRu, Sky Spaulding, Chance Larsen BTS Set Photos: Noah Fitterer, Chance Larsen, Sky Spaulding, Jules Eismann, RuRu, Amelia Rose, Lia-Liz Rose Dugal, KJ, Jim Falkenstein, & Asela Lee Kemper In Memoriam: David "Glamour Dave" Nienow Music in this video: Auld Lang Syne, Amazing Grace, The Coming Out Song by Jake Edwards, Amazing Walk by Yuriy Shishlov, Life In A Coffee Shop by Kevin Hiatt, "The Shape Of You" by Jewel, Exerpt from "Broken" by Jenny Lawson, Invocation by Lisa Theil

How We Thrive, Ep. 6: Asela Lee Kemper #poet #author #thrivingartist

In this episode, Poet Asela Lee Kemper shares her writing journey, her process of creating, her different and favorite genres, what it takes to be a writer and be published, all that she has accomplished & what 'thriving artist' means to her. Asela Lee Kemper is a poet who resides in Southern Oregon. She is a poetry editor at Variety Pack magazine and has previously worked with presses and magazines including Timberline Review, and Copper Canyon Press. She also has published works in Silk Club: QUIET, Mag 20/20 and the anthology No Tender Fences. She is the author of the digital chapbook Cherry Blossom Festival and audio microchapbook Finally: The Mixtape. Asela is currently pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing at Pacific Northwest College of Arts. You can find Asela on Twitter @AselaLeeK and Instagram @thesakuraink.Links: https://linktr.ee/aselaleek https://gnashingteethpublishing.com/books/finally-the-mixtape-by-asela-lee-kemper-2/ https://aselaleek.itch.io/cherry-blossom-festival

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 83: Walks To Remember

Um, this is Lia-Liz...and this is episode 83. I made a goof on the thumbnail and the video, but other than that. It's fine, fine, fine. Enjoy & Happy Holidays! In this episode, I begin a journal centering around Ravencliff written during the beginning of my Junior year, starting with an entry on a 'simple walk'. After laughing about how 'maudlin' my 16 year old self was, I reflect on how a simple walk can reflect the path we take in life, sometimes alone, sometimes with others, how fellow travelers come and go in different seasons of our lives, for different purposes, and the importance of recognizing our importance and value to others is just as vital as their importance and value to ourselves. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Sobriety 4/25/23 #recovery #gettingsober

April 25th of the year 2023 was the day that my life changed forever.  For on that day, I walked into a 12 step group and admitted before others my addiction to love and desire to recover.

During the pandemic, fortunate enough to return to regular therapy, I dove deep into a variety of psychological self-help texts on everything from trauma, relationships, and codependency.  The latter was a term that never made much sense to me, hard to explain, and left me questioning its validity to my struggles.  I wasn't truly ready to admit my addiction until I came across a text describing further the struggle further with "love and relationship addiction".  As I read through the pages of the book, a light grew brighter and brighter within, I was coming home to the fullness of myself and the awakening was causing a stirring of healing.  

So, what is a 'love addict'?  What does it mean to be 'addicted to love' and not related to the song?  

Love addiction is characterized by obsession, compulsive behaviors, anxiety, and negative life consequences as a result of romantic interest. Love addiction is a form of dysfunctional love. Although it was first discussed in the 1970s, it has not been well studied.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/love-addiction-coping-strategies-5323147

The last 8 months have been the early days of my journey with sobriety, finally admitting to myself and another the depth of my addiction and how it permeated throughout my life, wreaking havoc on myself and those I valued.  Friendships lost forever, relationships damaged, as I continued to act out putting myself in a myriad of precarious position, from financial lack, to late nights of sleepless anxiety, running after my 'beloved drug' in the pouring rain with only my socks as he storms away rampaging, begging for him to return, to feel the warmth of his love enveloping me with security, all this and more for the quest of that 'high' of acceptance.  The truest desire for love unconditional never to be fulfilled.

However many times I found my heart broken, even the times I freed myself from a connection, and found my way back to stability of sorts, I never truly stopped to recognize these successes received, the pain overcome.  However many goals reached, projects fulfilled, walking the boards in a treasured role, however inwardly rewarding, was never enough to quell the desire to be loved, accepted, fully and completely without condition.  Always looking outward, although pretending not to be and afraid to ask, for validation never coming yet always seeking endlessly the quest.

In the early early days of my recovery, as far back as 2009, I would jokingly say that if I had an addiction, it would be 'relationship', as if only to discredit the reality of such a struggle.  On my way, I'd continue, flitting about lost in the fantasy of desperation from one unrequited, one undeserving, another emotionally unavailable, disregarding all the red flags for the love of the distraction, the fleeting moment of the 'high', quickly fading.  

Such a strange affliction to not find oneself addicted to a substance but something intangible.   Yet, the same parts of the brain that light up for the addict that consumes alcohol or another substance are those in fact when I find myself attracted and drawn to a new obsession, a new high, a new distraction.  Personally, the high of the attracted is the need to distract from the daily daily, sometimes dull, other times hard.  Other times, its a pattern of fleeing from one disaster of a toxic relationship to another in hopes that 'this time' it will be different, 'this time' it will work, 'this time' he's my soul-mate, my Disney movie prince, the Heathcliff to my Catherine.  Fleeing into yet another distraction was sometimes a tactic to flee from deeper intimacy and always seeing another as a high, a drug, and not another soul deserving of love themselves.

How does one recover from such an addiction?

To find oneself an addict of such in the culture abound with literature, movies, tv shows, plays, songs written over and over on that four letter word...Love.   And, for me, one who has always found solace within the variety of arts, writing, acting, singing, listening to songs that reflect the stories of my life, inspiring my own creative pursuits, how then do you heal, no more to be ensnared, by something that is, in fact, a natural human need when applied for healthily.  

Is it to commit 'emotional anorexia', to starve oneself completely of any such enjoyment that may lead to acting out?

This emotional starvation is just as equally unhealthy, a mask of healthy, when, in fact, another form of acting out instead of running towards, it's avoidance of love, hoping for self-preservation  yet never receiving sanity and still devoid.  

For me, recovery resembles that of any other affliction and addiction.  I choose to actively include myself in my 12 step group as well as individual therapy, consume vast amounts of self-help and psychological literature including workbooks on my own and in group, actively seek out healthy connections and activities to replace the negative entanglements.  Disentangling myself from my romantic addictions is not an easy feat, especially as I find myself now, with one that I truly care for yet know is not a healthy attachment for either of us.  Break-ups are, in fact, difficult for all, yet for the addict in me, the anguish rips open the depth of my pain making it truly hard to even take that initial step needed.  Constant questioning of how and why detract from the purpose of getting healthy knowing that this time replacing the negative entanglement with another will not be what's best leaving the cold, hard reality that within the deep pain is where I will find my serenity.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, one day at a time. 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

40 Questions For Self-Diagnosis

 

Journaling Through The Years, Ep.82: Affecting Or Effecting? #relivemych...

Another episode, another vlog...in this episode, I read a poem I wrote about folding clothes for donation, which launches a conversation about looking back fondly, releasing, letting go. Once again, I compare myself to Brenda Walsh/Shannen Doherty (because who wouldn't!), because Beverly Hills, 90210 was how my younger self found a way to make meaning & understanding of her life & surroundings! Thanks for watching! Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Everybody Else's Girl No More

From in the shadow she calls
And in the shadow she finds a way, finds a way
And in the shadow she crawls

 I was born my Father's Daughter, an agreement decided upon not of my arranging.  As I grew from toddler's first shoes, to braces, the first period and awkward adolescence, my heart led me to become another man's, or rather a boy's, possession.  Through all of high school this was the ongoing reality, even when the boy whose lasso had captured my heart was not willing or free to afford me the label of 'girlfriend', rather to return my affections, my heart, my soul always his.  

I was 'everybody else's girl' but never my own.

Into college, I went, traveling down avenues of rocky love into the beds of undeserving men, love unrequited, clutching, hoping for security without.  My college boyfriend was a real piece of work, a bit on the charismatic side but with a darker side afflicted by his own demons of addiction.  Manipulation and, yes, anger were his tools to subdue, to maintain control, and I allowed it, hoping this would lead me to security, despite my increasing misery. 

Again, I was 'everybody else's girl' but never my own.

Following him, I ended up within the confines of the church, mainstream Christianity, and what brought to me the appearance of what I had been longing, finally home, unconditional love, security without.  Freeing myself from the destruction of the college boyfriend, I flung myself headfirst into the organization of conservative Christianity and all its trappings.  But down that rabbit hole, I discovered once again the element of patriarchal control, domination, silencing, subdue, with unending promises of God's eternal love never quite attaining.  

Again, I was 'everybody else's girl' but never my own.

A mental break-down finally burst open my life from years of striving, trying, to please...being everybody else's girl.  In the early years of painful realization and suffering, feeling hopeless, yet through the struggles, I would discover that truly the only way out is through, not just my own darkness within but that which surrounded without.

Again, I was 'everybody else's girl' but never my own.

Leaving the confines of the church yet unknown, the man who was my first love and then would become my ex-husband, returned once again into my life in a fury of love-bombing passion.  My father's arm led me down the aisle, depositing me at his feet as an object to exchange, bartering not the physical but the emotional worth of my soul.  

Again, I was 'everybody else's girl' but never my own.

Not so wedded bliss would fall upon me a mere few months later than the entanglement of the bridal bed.  The man who doted upon me with bombs of love now stood over me in rage, blaming, firing accusations as well as whatever physical object was closest, pinning me on the bed, leering over my tiny, cowering frame against the wall, rage mixing with paranoia coming from his spitting lips...somehow, deep down, this 'everybody else's girl' said, "Enough! No more!"

Screaming, on Oscar Sunday 2013, on our front stoop, snot and tears mingling down my face, "Go, you want to go, then go", he turned fearful, pleading, but truly I was done.  

That moment was only the true beginning, the cutting away of the years of being another's possession, an object to play with, then exchange.  As the days tumbled forth into months, then years, I would continue the journey of purging out that which sought to bind, building myself up with words of love from within and without, the difference being I learned to listen to myself first, to trust in my own worthiness of love, my own value, soaring, soaring into new depths of revelation, my truest self.

Everybody Else's Girl No More, Truly My Own.  At Last. 

Everybody Else's Girl

Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 81: The B#$*@$ Is In Heat, Pt.5 #reli...

It's been a long time since I've shared a Journaling Vlog, but I'm BACK! In this episode, I read another segment of that weird story I was writing as a kid, The B..... is in heat, aka Michelle, which leads me into a discussion about how I began pushing others away at a young age due to my own fear of being hurt by love. Also, Jodie Sweetin makes an appearance, well, not really. Thanks for watching! Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling