Sickness and illness, of any kind, has a very specific reason and purpose for our lives. I see that both individually and collectively. My strep bronchitis last January forced me to go inward, to slow down and cease distracting busyness, and to reflect on the needed changes on my path since and moving forward. I have long since known that I struggle with co-dependency issues, with feelings of worthlessness, doubt, insecurity, and feelings of being unlovable. As I went through my own personal quarantine and later through the world's universal quarantine, I began to reflect upon how the nature of my interpersonal relationships either enhanced this belief system or thwarted it. This is to say, were they toxic or healthy? Before this time, I had never really stopped to truly look at my role in attracting the toxic abusers into my life. Basically, I believed that I deserved the abuse, whatever degree or fashion it was given.
Now, if you are familiar with my story, I am a survivor of a myriad level of emotional abuse, from spiritual to domestic and so much in between. But in the last few years and even much more in the slower pace that has become 2020, I have begin to reflect on the degrees of toxicity and the different ways abusers show up in my life as well as the ways they operate. For there are differences, my abusive ex-husband who screamed at me until I lay weak like a puddle is vastly different than the frenemy who used me for her own gain and upon being called upon it, grew angry and bitter that she could no longer take from me. But there are some similarities, specifically that all abusive types are 'takers', not givers. It may not even be apparent to the taking abuser that they are doing such, they may have deceived even themselves by their own pain and insecurity, that this is the way to be in the world, but in time one can see the true nature of the relationship.
As I went through the tumult of that sick weekend in January, I began to realize that there were several people in my life that I had been close to in one way or another that were toxic to me in that they were takers, not givers. In that, I realized their giving was conditional and with strings attached, if they gave at all, that they only give if it would be beneficial for more taking from me and for their own benefit. I had done my best in the real world to separate from them but seeing their posts on social media daily made me realize that they were still toxic taking abusers hurting me as well as using and taking from others, those that did not fully see that they were being used. By seeing their posts and realizing the true nature of who they were, it kept bringing up the pain causing an emotional upset and turmoil within to continue and it was then that I realized the magic Facebook word of "unfollow". True enough, if someone is dangerously abusive, not only do I unfriend but I block, but there are certain takers that are not exceptionally dangerous and more often than not are operating from their own wish to run from their pain. I feel for them but the fact remains, they are still toxic taking abusers.
Perhaps in time, the relationships with the latter will be reunited, I cannot say but for now I cannot oblige the taker mentality.
So, I unfollowed them and their posts disappeared. It was amazingly healing and refreshing. As I drove to work that Tuesday, the world felt lighter, fresh, and new. I felt, after the intense fevers, as if I had gone through fiery rebirth and came out the other side cleansed. So, when the great Coronavirus lockdown of 2020 hit, I was already of the mindset that slowing down was more than beneficial, prepared and comfortable to go within, and to let the true nature of sickness run its course, that is teach me, heal me, and grow me.
As the months have progressed throughout this strange new reality we call our world today, I have taken the time to do my inner self work and discovery. There have been a myriad of awakenings about myself, my business, my brand, my goals, but the most pertinent to this blog is that of my newly forming understanding of relationship and what it entails to connect with other human. I am realizing the difference between receivers versus takers inside of a relationship. Receivers are not takers but those that are actively receiving what I give and then giving back freely and unconditionally with no strings attached. Because of this, I have taken a fresh long look at those people that embody the positive in my life and that inspire healing within themselves and me. They are partners along the course of life and they add increasingly value to my existence as I hope I do them.
As I progress along the journey of healing as an abuse survivor and all the flashbacks and reactions that come therein, I discover more and more the nature of what it means to be in and have a healthy relationship. The "Giving" and the "Receiving" are both crucial to feeling loved and worthy. Because of my continuing nurturing now of these relationships that matter, my heart has begun to heal and open again, slowly to trust, I am learning to forgive and release. I am seeing all the possibilities once again in the world, my avenues of creativity and connection are widening, and yet at the same time my energies of putting out into the world are not for the superficial, to gain likes and subscribes and therefore boost my self worth, but for the joy of creating and with the express understanding that those that will consume my creation are those that will truly receive and those that will not it was not meant for them anyway.
So to those abusers and takers I have released, I thank you sincerely for your place in my life, for teaching me the lesson of my self worth, what I deserve and what I do not, I could not have done it without you. I hope you find what I have found, purpose, passion, peace, and beyond that true love of myself and in others. For those true friends, the receivers, I thank you for your place in my life, for your presence in my life is warranting me much healing and strength, together we can truly be free and Breakaway.
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Thoughts on what you just read? Feel free to share below and I will reply!
The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company, but so much more, with the sole purpose of being the change of positivity, through our film and media projects as well as in other services. Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions
No comments:
Post a Comment