I'm an analytic, soul-searcher type. Years of therapy, self-help groups and books, coupled with being a deeply emotional empath has given me that emphasis. Its been a life long ability and sometimes a disability, as in the past I have spent too much time over-analyzing my thoughts, feelings, conversations with others to the point of too much anxiety, worry, leading to emotional upset of a variety of means, depression, anger, the whole gamut.
So, once again, perhaps it is with the dawn of the New Year (as self-reflection is a practice of many during this time), I have been contemplating my own reactions, life choices of how to behave, react, and have come to a variety of conclusions that arise questions in my mind, perhaps you, the reader, can assist in some fashion.
For starters, as mentioned above, I am an empath, a definition that I only discovered in recent years. I see an empath similar to a telepath, yet instead of hearing the thoughts of others, I sense the emotional feeling states of all those around me. Can you imagine how overwhelming walking into a location with many people can be for me? No wonder I suffer from an anxiety disorder. The character, Sookie Stackhouse, from the books based on the TV show, True Blood, was a beloved character of mine. Even though her character is a telepath, I found such connection to her as I watched her deal with the onset of being able to hear the inner thoughts and monologues of all those around her, some with negative connotations towards her. Yes, I have experienced that sort of thing as an empath, whether its a form of inward reflection or abuse on their part or a blatant dislike, distrust towards me, its an influx of emotions flooded over me producing a distracting effect on my ability to engage in the situation and event itself.
This ability, or curse, of being an empath is been a journey of my life. Being able to 'feel', to 'sense', is a unique gift and one that I has colored many a relationship and experience of my life. This is not scientifically provable, that I can imagine, nor is it a widely accepted in certain religious circles, or even in the polite social structures of our lives. Mostly, people have different aspects of themselves they want to demonstrate to the outside world and others that they want to bury, to hide, to not be seen. My ability is one that can see deep into the parts that others don't want to be seen, to be looked at. In past years, I would become overburdened with these revelations and understandings, reaching out to these individuals, expressing this knowledge. Most of the time, it was dealt with opposition, disbelief, I was slandered, insulted, and pushed away. Like I said, most people do not want to look at their pain, their inner wounds, and do not want to truly 'be seen'. Coupled with feeling their pain, I now feel the pain of losing their love and friendship.
Being an empath is not the rosy notion of being able to feel feelings. Most of the time, I am aware of the darkness of someone's soul, usually multiple darknesses at once. Through years of therapy and self-healing, plus leaving the fundamentalist church, I have developed the belief that others' life choices are not up to me, that I do not and cannot save others. I can only be responsible for myself, my own healing, choices, and be accountable to that. In the end, I can hope by living this honestly and healthily I can be a conduit of change for those I encounter and have connection.
I believe it has become increasingly worse in the political and social climate of which we are now present. Distrust, fear is rampant, as well as anger and I see this on both sides of the spectrum, liberal, conservative, whatever it may be. We all, including myself, have a need to help, to enact change, but sometimes, and I feel most of the time, with the propensity to not listen and yet to want to force our beliefs on others. We want to be seen as right, believe ourselves to be right, and others wrong. The result, change is not truly enacted, lives are not touched, hearts are left broken.
My guilt in all of this as an empath is related to my astrological sun sign of a Taurus. Taurus's are known for being both fiercely loyal and equally stubborn. Not only am I able to see someone's pain and darkness weighting on them, if I see their unresolved issues negatively affecting those I deeply care about, I will be quick on the defense and resolve to stand against them in an act of both protection of my loved one as well as an enact of defiance intent on teaching them a lesson, of sorts.
This is a frequent occurrence of my life even though I remind myself that I do not truly know the reasons behind someone's outward actions. In truth, when I do address my empathic revelations with others, I do take into account their reactions, if they give them, and usually can understand if they are truthful, even partially so, or completely false. To be honest, this is something I can tell even through social media interactions. So, in a sense, I can foresee honesty and dishonesty and in that the stubbornness builds, the distrust, the armor arises, and the fight to destroy can begin, in some situations, usually when I sense that the dishonesty is so apparent as to be venomously destructive to my loved ones and society in general. Yeah, I'll admit that.
My question for the reader, then, is, what is the limit to this on a positive sense and when does it become a detriment to my soul? I am now seeing that people are not generally good or evil, there is no black and white but shades of grey. In that, the negative abusive reactions are all caused by some inward and unresolved pain, layers upon layers, deeply buried, perhaps truly unknown by the individual. Thus, there is a root cause of all abuse. I do not want anymore to willing accept, lay down passively, in the face of any abuse or injustice. I believe standing up for the right and the good is beneficial not just for society but for the individual. But, this stubbornness of mine can become unresolved unforgiving focus producing the effect of tension in myself and expressed outwards. The question than remains for myself, how do I release this? I know from past experiences with this notion it takes time to truly forgive, healing is a process. But, what of when the relationship is superficial, when the other individual doesn't want to be seen or looked at, and pushes away from me, causing heart break to arise in me leading to hardness, resentment, anger, fear, jealousy? What of when I see a person openly or secretly destroying the health, safety, security of a loved one close to me? Is it right for me to forgive that person? And, how do I do that, especially when the abuser of my friend is prevalent in my social circles and I have to 'play nice' according to the constructs dictated by the unspoken social and political rules in the industry of which I work?
Perhaps I should take the advice of Maggie from my original play, One Of Us, who said, "Live your life and be happy, no matter what be that" and to focus on 'not being a dick' in my own interactions, because I can only truly understand and control myself. Truth be told, this is hard to do as an empath with a mood disorder and anxiety disorder constantly inundated with the emotional reactions and inward honest feelings of those around me when I engage socially.
However, like the inner lining of the uterus during menses, life is a continual shedding of the hardness developed on the heart through the journey of life, one digs ever deeper into understanding the self, recovery is life long in the pursuit of healing and wholeness. Perhaps that is a spiritual reason for a women's monthly cycle, a continuous cleansing, until she reaches the final stages and menopause, a complete, free, clean soul and body emerges. Who can tell?
Life is a continual self discovery and journey to find ourselves.
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