Hello. Consider this my personal declaration of independence:
I just wanted to give an update on my soul. For the past several years, I have been inundated with people I put my full trust and love into, only to realize they were not friends at all. Through the intense pain and heartbreak that came, I had to disengage from these individuals. Although it was painful and I experienced the grieving process, it was increasingly becoming more detrimental to remain in the toxic environment. Several of these individuals most likely were acting out of their own mental un-wellness and as much as I encouraged to get help, they wouldn't nor would they admit they had a problem. I had to do what was right for myself, my company, and for those I care about that are seeking a path to wellness.
It has been a painful journey and I have grieved the loss of those I still deeply care about. However, they continue to harbour resentment and anger towards myself for my stepping up to this abuse and toxicity.
I have realized throughout my life that I am a conduit for others abusive patterns acted out towards me. Perhaps stemming from my own lack of self worth, fears of abandonment, and codependency/relationship addictions, I was fearful of standing up for myself and speaking my heart. I am working on this and my trauma through one on one therapy, self help books, actively being good to myself, and choosing healthy friendships.
In the past years, I have become increasingly anti social. The fact of the matter is, from many circumstances and relationships in my life, I have developed PTSD. Because of this, whenever I go out, I am constantly aware of my surroundings, know where the exits are, looking over my shoulder for possible threats, and I label certain people and places either good or bad, safe or unsafe. I am doing the work to soothe myself and heal these patterns but it's a slow process. This is why I have stepped back from engagements with the local theater scene, in some situations, only participating when I have to. Perhaps not good for my career, but I cannot keep distracting myself from my own mental health issues. I have increasingly felt unsafe and that certain aspects of the theatre scene feel toxic to me. People may label me as 'unsupportive' or 'only out for myself', nothing could be further from the truth. Imagine having such intense anxiety over a certain place that you can't even walk in the door..making plans to attend functions weeks or months in advance only to cancel or withdraw due to being worn out and not prepared.
Some may continue to try to harm my reputation even after this post. These people are not friends, but toxic frenemies. I see that now. I cannot tolerate abuse any longer. I need to guard myself and continue to work for my own healing. It is what will help me to be a better artist and human, to make the world a brighter place.
If we continue to fight injustices on a national and global level, we won't truly win. We must begin within in order to truly impact.
I just wanted to give an update on my soul. For the past several years, I have been inundated with people I put my full trust and love into, only to realize they were not friends at all. Through the intense pain and heartbreak that came, I had to disengage from these individuals. Although it was painful and I experienced the grieving process, it was increasingly becoming more detrimental to remain in the toxic environment. Several of these individuals most likely were acting out of their own mental un-wellness and as much as I encouraged to get help, they wouldn't nor would they admit they had a problem. I had to do what was right for myself, my company, and for those I care about that are seeking a path to wellness.
It has been a painful journey and I have grieved the loss of those I still deeply care about. However, they continue to harbour resentment and anger towards myself for my stepping up to this abuse and toxicity.
I have realized throughout my life that I am a conduit for others abusive patterns acted out towards me. Perhaps stemming from my own lack of self worth, fears of abandonment, and codependency/relationship addictions, I was fearful of standing up for myself and speaking my heart. I am working on this and my trauma through one on one therapy, self help books, actively being good to myself, and choosing healthy friendships.
In the past years, I have become increasingly anti social. The fact of the matter is, from many circumstances and relationships in my life, I have developed PTSD. Because of this, whenever I go out, I am constantly aware of my surroundings, know where the exits are, looking over my shoulder for possible threats, and I label certain people and places either good or bad, safe or unsafe. I am doing the work to soothe myself and heal these patterns but it's a slow process. This is why I have stepped back from engagements with the local theater scene, in some situations, only participating when I have to. Perhaps not good for my career, but I cannot keep distracting myself from my own mental health issues. I have increasingly felt unsafe and that certain aspects of the theatre scene feel toxic to me. People may label me as 'unsupportive' or 'only out for myself', nothing could be further from the truth. Imagine having such intense anxiety over a certain place that you can't even walk in the door..making plans to attend functions weeks or months in advance only to cancel or withdraw due to being worn out and not prepared.
Some may continue to try to harm my reputation even after this post. These people are not friends, but toxic frenemies. I see that now. I cannot tolerate abuse any longer. I need to guard myself and continue to work for my own healing. It is what will help me to be a better artist and human, to make the world a brighter place.
If we continue to fight injustices on a national and global level, we won't truly win. We must begin within in order to truly impact.
Comments? Post below. I welcome all thoughts and opinions. I will do my best to reply.
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