Healing Dream

I had an amazing dream right before I woke up where I had a conversation with one of my abusers, the pastor that mentally & emotionally abused me.

We were in a movie theatre & somehow I ended up sitting next to him. At first, it was somewhat amicable but then I started opening up to him about my new life.

Me: (handing him my license with new identity) See.

Him: I do not accept this person. This is not how you were created when you were born. God doesn't make mistakes.

Me: I didn't say that. But it is who I was created to be, inside. Who you knew before was just a cover.

Him: I do not accept that. I cannot be your friend anymore. You are not right with the Lord.

Me: I feel like I'm being judged by you, without you really listening to me. My whole view on life has been transformed, who I am is transformed. The way I view life and spirituality has grown. I'm open-minded--

Him: Oh, that's a red flag. You shouldn't be that. Its of the enemy--

Me: See, that's a problem with the Christian right. They have their view of certain words, without stopping to listen to what the person is saying. In fact, they never really start to listen to the person they are "trying to save". They have their script & they stick to it, based on their impressions & preconceived notions taught in their own little world of how the world is.

Him: I cannot be a close friend of yours. I can still be happy having only a exterior only connection to you. You are not right with the Lord, you are in sin. You have wandered from the path. When you were walking with the Lord, you were so happy.

Me: Actually, I haven't. If you really wanted to listen, I would tell you that, I have truly found myself, I've truly discovered & keep discovering all that it means to be spiritual, I finally feel whole, I have finally found my life purpose & my calling, my true vocation. Lastly, when you knew me then, I was not happy at all. I am happy now.

I woke up with that last comment.

One Final Time

Two hours later, both girls sat in a dimly lit bar and restaurant, large pizza and beer before them, with their old friends, Geoff, his new boyfriend, and Les. Les sat nearest to Ruby, discovering how often she averted her eyes from him, keeping her gaze instead on her pizza, or catching up with Geoff, getting to know his partner, Frank, anything but direct her attention to him. Tera, too, noticed all of this and searched her mind for a way to get Les and Ruby by themselves, apart from the rest so that the two of them could hopefully really look at one another. Or, in any event, Ruby could find a reason to get over her pining for the jerk.

“Camp was so long ago, it seems,” Geoff was saying.

“Not for me,” Les chipped in. “I'm like a senior counselor now.” He took a big gulp of his drink and spied Ruby looking at him before she turned away abruptly.

“Frank, these were my closest friends at Crowshaven,” Geoff went on. “You met Tera, and Les, we called him, “Trip”, do you remember why?”

“Yeah, Geoff, you made it up,” confirmed Les. “You made fun of my name--”

“Ah yes, Lester--”

“And, I didn't like it so,” cut in Les quickly.

“So, I said don't trip out or something, that's right,” laughed Geoff. “And it just stuck. And, this girl here, Frank, we called her Jewels.”

“Hi, I'm Ruby,” she smiled and extended her hand to the fair haired black man before her. Ruby wondered why he had chosen to bleach his curls blond but to each his own.

“I remember when Jess got a hold of that amazing weed, right, and brought it to camp,” Tera began. “And we all got so stoned, we snuck into the kitchen after hours to raid the fridge--”

“And Jewels ate all the peanut butter!” Les chimed in.

“Well, I was hungry!” Ruby defended herself.

“For peanut butter?” Les wanted to know, looking fully at her.

“Yeah, I really like peanut butter,” Ruby said, staring back at him and for a moment their eyes met. Tera and Les held their breath. Was this it?

“So, you still doing the song-writing?” Les finally broke the silence.

“Yeah,” Ruby said and turned back around to face her pizza. Tera continued the conversation,

“Yeah, all the time,” she confirmed. “She's got a book and goes to open mic nights, she's gotten really good.”

“Oh?” Les perked up. “When are your open mic nights?”

Ruby hesitated and then said, “Um, every Friday night, actually--”

“Well, we're leaving on Sunday, so maybe we can come and see--” Les began and Ruby cut in with,

“I'm taking time off for Christmas and writing new songs, will start in the New Year.”

That was part of it. Part of it was she knew Rob would try to show up at the bar when she performed and want to make up or something. Also, she could tell Les was trying to start something himself, and she didn't want that, not right now, couldn't stand that rejection...again. Les pulled away mentally and turned to his drink, taking a big swig, then setting it down, and staring into it.

“Hey, we need more alcohol,” suggested Tera. “Geoff, Frank, will you guys help me get them? I'll buy, if you carry.”

“Maybe we can just call a waitress over--” Geoff protested. He was comfortable, hadn't had a chance to have his pizza yet, and Frank's hand had just found his leg so he was not feeling like getting up at the moment. Tera glared at him and then nodded towards Ruby and Les. Okay, they needed to be alone, yeah, he got it. His friend, Les, needed to get a little and Ruby looked like she could use some attention too. He got the message. He grabbed Frank's hand and pulled him towards the bar. Tera followed him.

Ruby took a bite of her pizza and chewed slowly, enjoying the flavor of cheese and pepperoni, a personal favorite. She reached for the Parmesan and her hand touched Les's arm. He looked at her.

“Um,” she said between bites. “Can you please pass the Parmesan?”

Les handed it to her and watched her sprinkle it on to her remaining piece.

“Should I get you some peanut butter with that too?” he asked jokingly. Ruby glared up at him and then managed,

“Only if I was high.”

“Well, I think we can arrange something,” he leaned in closer to her and smiled. She looked at him. A moment of silence fell on them as the busying bar noise of jukebox, silverware clanging on plates, people laughing and talking swirled around them.

“Look, Les,” Ruby began, swallowing hard. “You know I...I'm not really looking for anything right now, like romantically...so I mean, can we just be friends?”

Les leaned back and looked her over. He nodded and turned to his beer and pizza.

“I mean, I just can't deal with any more, I don't know, heartbreak,” Ruby tried to explain. “Not right now.”

“Are you talking about that one night at camp?” Les wanted to know.

“Not just that,” Ruby searched her mind for something to say. “My life is a mess, I'm a mess, I'm thinking of taking off from here for awhile.”

“Going where?”

“Just out there, you know, me and my car and my guitar, like go on tour or something, see where I land,” Ruby described.

“Is that what you really want?” Les looked her over.

“See, I don't know what I want so that's why I want to do it,” Ruby explained. “You wouldn't get it.”

“Why?” Les said defensively.

“You with your college track and all that,” Ruby shot back. “I'm just not wired like that. I need, I don't know, something more.”

“But how are you going to support yourself out there?” Les asked, curiously and also protectively.

“I'll find a way,” Ruby said. “That's part of the whole mystery of it.”  

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One Final Time

8 am came to soon. Ruby awoke with a pounding headache from the wine flowing the night before. How many bottles had it been in the end? After the two boys came jaunting over to the table and both she and Tera flirted into the night. Tera snored beside her. Ruby reluctantly pulled herself from the bed and got herself ready for her morning commute to the video store.

Moving into the bathroom, she splashed water on her face and brushed her hair back into a messy bun. Back in her room, she pulled on her work uniform, black pants and the t-shirt brandishing the video store company name oh so proudly. She swabbed some deodorant under her arms and quickly touched up her face with some dabs of make-up. Then, she quickly made her way out of the apartment, grabbing jacket and purse making a beeline for the nearest coffee shop.

Boots pounding the pavement, a few minutes later out she came from said coffee shop, cappuccino in hand and muffin in the other as she quickly and panting all the way made her way to her place of employment. She was to be a few minutes late, nothing to be done. At least she was opening and she could forge the time signature on her time-card to meet the required time-slot.

At last reaching the store, she unlocked the door, flicked on the lights, and moved through the store towards the back, to forge the time-card.

Later, she sat, store muzak blaring, at the front counter, staring blankly ahead of her. The slow minutes ticked by, her life slipping gone, gone, gone. She pulled her journal out from her purse and set it before her. Sipping her coffee and nibbling on her muffin, she began scribbling out some lines for a future song.

“He came into my life, then my heart,” she wrote. “All too soon it fell apart.”

“No,” she thought. “Not that, more like, You came into my life.” And she scratched out “he” and re-wrote “you”. The door chime sounded and she barely looked up with a “Hi” to welcome the customer. She heard footsteps approaching the counter and soon felt the presence of the person waiting her. She looked up slowly and there he was. Rob.

“Hi,” he smiled at her and she felt her heart sway towards him. “I see you already got your coffee.”

He held up a tray with two go-cups of coffee on it.

“Guess you don't want this latte then?” He said, winking at her. She looked him over and reached for the extra cup. He set it on the counter before her, brushing her fingers with his.

“How the hell are you?” He asked, the flirtatious sound in his voice.

Ruby looked down at her journal and gulped in air.

“I saw you,” was all she managed.

“Saw me? Where?”

She sucked in another gasp of air and looked him dead in the face.

“At dinner, last night.”

His face fell, in realization. And, Ruby knew then the truth without either of them speaking. But, to be very certain and with perhaps a part of her hoping otherwise, she asked,

“Who is she?”

“Just a friend,” he answered all too quickly.

“A friend,” she said, with a laugh. “Like me, then?”

Rob looked out the window behind her and without looking in her eye he responded, “Sort of.”

Ruby looked him over, taking him in for what she thought was the last time. A flash of their relationship and times together flew before her eyes, the first time they'd met in class, their first “date” at that cheesy, cheap Chinese restaurant, how she'd followed him to New York, how he took her around the city, his hand tightly in hers, showing her the sights, how she felt fully alive and in love when she was with him, and lastly the times when they fell into bed together, pushing into each other full of sweat and lust. She sighed heavily and then said, biting back the tears in her throat,

“Please leave. Now.”

“I really did care for you,” Rob tried to say and looked into her eyes fully then. “It was just a mistake, really, never happen again.”

She looked back at him. “Just go,” was all she could make herself say.

“Don't, Ruby, please,” he finally said.

“Go,” she said again. And, without another word, he turned and walked towards the door. He stopped for a minute and said, “Good-bye, Ruby.” Then he was gone with the swinging door chime, signaling his exit.

The tears came then as her heart fully broke, shattered completely. She found her pen and scribbled onto the page, without truly thinking.

“I'll never see him ever again.”

A few hours later, when her replacement girl came into work, Ruby headed back to her apartment to find Tera who had just come in from site-seeing, waiting for her.

Without waiting to ask how she was, Tera bounded towards her,

“Guess what? Guess who I saw at the Statue of Liberty?”

Ruby collapsed onto the sofa, too worn out to play games.

Tera, undeterred, answered, “Geoff and Les! You know, from camp!”

“Of course, I know,” Ruby sighed. “What are they doing in town?”

“Seeing the sites, on a break from school,” Tera rattled on. “Geoff had his new boyfriend with him, that's so hilarious. Nice guy though. Anyway, I told them we'd meet for drinks and dinner later. So, yeah, you in, right? Oh, and Les asked about you, wanted to know all about, you know, everything with...well--”

Tera looked over at her friend and finally saw.

“Something wrong?” she asked and came over to sit beside Ruby.

“Yeah, its over between me and Rob,” was all Ruby could say.

“How?”

“He came into the store and wanted to...and I told him to...leave,” Ruby informed her friend. Then the tears came again. Tera reached for her friend and held her close.

“I'll never see him again,” sobbed Ruby.

Tera stroked her friend's hair and said, “Oh, Jewels, I'm so sorry.” And, then she looked up at the ceiling and said, “No, I don't think that's true.”

“What?” Ruby managed to say.

“Well, you know how my mom is psychic and stuff,” Tera began. “I think I'm starting to have that too, or something, like it was dormant but I can see things, have for awhile, just haven't really said anything, didn't know if anyone would believe me, but yeah, I get this feeling that this isn't the last of Rob in your life.”

“Please, Tera, don't just say things like that,” Ruby pleaded and Tera held her friend's face and looked at it, fully.

“No lie, Jewels,” was all she said.

I Will Remember You

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One Final Time

Tera and Ruby moved through the bustling airport, arm in arm, surrounded by the Holiday season atmosphere of people flying to be with families whether out of love or duty or both, the piped in Holiday muzak played throughout the airport, the stores and restaurants playing holiday fare to travels passing by. The two girls were immune to the busyness, so rapt in each others presence were they and excited with the days spent together ahead. It had been awhile since they'd seen each other, been years since their times of teenagers at Camp Crowshaven.

Later, walking through the creeping darkness of the New York city streets, aimlessly taking in the sights, the two girls approached a small and welcoming cafe.

“This looks like a good spot to get a bite,” Tera said, hungrily and she moved towards the entrance. Ruby stopped dead in her tracks, her jaw dropping down in shock. “What? What's wrong?”

Ruby pointed, her finger shaking.

“That's Rob,” she said. Tera's eyes followed her friend's finger towards the man she had yet to meet, an older balding man with horn-rimmed glasses (what Ruby saw in him she would never know) sitting at a table with a very young girl around their own age.

“Whose the girl?” Tera asked, anxiously hoping for the response to be a “daughter” or a “neice”.

“I...I..don't know,” was all Ruby could say, her lip quivering and that was answer enough for Tera. Tera took total control then, she looked her friend over and said,

“Look, either I go in there now and read him the riot act or--”

“Or what?” Ruby said, desperately.

“We go somewhere else and get you completely plastered drunk,” Tera finished. “So what's it going to be?”

Ruby looked long at the two diners inside, then at the sidewalk. After a moment, she looked up at Tera and said,

“You'd read him the riot act?”

Tera smirked and then shrugged.

“I don't know, maybe,” she smiled at her friend, then jokingly made to move inside. Ruby grabbed her, pulling her away a bit.

“Come on,” she said, grabbing Tera's hand.

“So, drinks it is?” Tera wanted to know and Ruby nodded slowly, biting her lip to hold back the tears.

Later, in the warmth of the dark atmosphere of the bar, a swirling snow falling outside, Tera and Ruby shared a bottle of wine.

“I've got to go pee,” said Ruby, getting up. She hurried into the bathroom and after using the facilities, looked at her care-worn face in the mirror, gripping the counter to keep herself from falling. Too late, she thought to herself symbolically. How did it ever get this far? Why had she allowed herself to feel this way? Why wouldn't he...? She left that thought open-ended in hope, perhaps, and left her reflection in the mirror to drown herself in the bottle of wine some more.

As she sat at the table, Tera winked at her.

“See those two guys at the bar?” Ruby glanced behind her and Tera snapped her attention back at her. “They've been totally checking us out the entire night and the waitress just brought us another bottle of wine, on them.”

Ruby blushed. Was she ready for this? Oh well, why not? If anything, it could make for a good time and perhaps later good song-writing fodder.  

Don't Know Why

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One Final Time

Ruby left the vault of the subway terminal and ascended slowly amidst the crowds to the upper level of the city. She silently made her way through the streets, alive with the sounds of taxi-cab drivers honking, the bustle of the Christmas season flowing through those passing by, the hurried feel of the city, and quickly she made her way to her apartment complex.

In the elevator, she crossed her fingers, hoping for a message on her machine when she got home. When the light dinged on her floor, she hurriedly exited and made her way to her apartment door.

Gingerly setting her guitar case down on the sofa, she moved over to her kitchen. There on the answering machine was the blinking red light signaling that “someone” had called. She sucked in her breath, silently praying to hear the familiar voice of him, Rob, that is. Closing her eyes, she pressed the play button.

“Hi, its me,” came the voice of Tera. “I can't wait to see you. Just to remind you my flight comes in at 11 am tomorrow at LaGuardia, can't wait to see you!! Love you, bye!”

The answering machine came to a halt. Silence filled the apartment. He had not called. It had been two weeks since she'd even heard from him, she felt her heart crumble and her stomach form in knots. It was hard even to get excited to see her best friend. She moved over to her refrigerator and opened it, scanning for god knows what. Cold mac-n-cheese seemed the best solution at this moment.

Without bothering to heat it in the microwave, she grabbed a clean fork from the drawer and moved into the couch, digging into the tupperware that held the food. She huddled down, grabbed the remote, and let her mind roam as the channels surfed before her eyes.

Outside in the city, snow started to descend, leaving a white residue of cold memory in its wake. She was taken back, back to her first meeting with Rob. Outside class at the coffee shop, they had run into each other, joking about the weather and the inexpensive décor of their surroundings before ending up romping together in the bed of a hotel-room. Thus began the nature of their relationship, but Ruby always hoped, longed for, wanted it to be something more. She sighed as she turned her attention back to the TV, a mindless sitcom opening began in the background and her eyes dulled as she watched it, staring before her. She fell asleep.

The phone was ringing. She sat up, suddenly. The tv was blaring some infomerical and everything else was dark. She got up and stumbled towards the noise of the phone. Picking it up, she rasped into the phone,

“Yeah?”

“Well, hello there, you,” came the familiar voice which brought a thrill to Ruby all the way down to her core. “Did I call to late?”

“No, no,” she said quickly and without thinking, her guard down with her excitement that he had finally called. “What time is it anyway?”

“Just past ten,” he said. “So, how the hell are you?”

“Doing all right,” she lied. “What have you been doing?”

“Um, busy with work, you know,” he stated and a little too quickly. She wondered how much of this statement was true. “You want to hang out?”

“Yeah, come on by,” she answered and a little too quickly. Her insides were already throbbing with excitement and desire.

“See you soon,” he said and they both hung up. She moved around her apartment, quickly cleaning up all that she saw, lighting candles to heighten the sensuality of the room, before heading off to shower and freshen up.

About a half hour later, she heard a knock at the door. She answered, her robe falling open to reveal her newly bought red lingerie, inviting him inside.

He left the next morning, crawling out of her bed after kissing her softly on the lips, seemingly before the sun had risen. She wondered when or if she would see him again.

Pulling herself together, she got up, started the coffee, and began her day. Changing the sheets on the bed was the first priority before she shared it with Tera for the four days she was here. Ruby gulped. Four days without sharing a bed with Rob.

At a little before 2, she made her way through LaGuardia, standing at the gate watching for her friend to appear running towards her full of excitement.   

A Thousand Miles

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Se tu m'ami, se sospiri

Video Audition for Monica Carlston, newscaster

Video Audition for the film, Shufflers

One Final Time

Les slung his backpack over his shoulder and slowly headed out of the school laboratory classroom. He found his way down the stairs of the Science building and out into the crisp fall evening, heading across campus to his dormitory apartments. It was the beginning of his sophomore year at UCLA. He had spent last summer, after his first year of college, as a senior counselor at Crowshaven. Surprisingly, he had been the only one of his junior counselor friends to come back that summer. He shivered and zipped up his sweatshirt. The weather was uncommonly cool for Los Angeles this year.

As he made his way across campus, a voice called out to him. Turning he saw his room-mate and friends, Scott and Mitch, coming towards him.

“Dude, you're coming with us!” Scott demanded, slapping him on the back enthusiastically like an overgrown puppy.

“Where?” Les asked confusedly.

“Sorority party, man!” Scott answered and Les could tel he was already pretty high.

“You in?” Mitch wanted to know. Les looked at his friends, their stoney grins and squinty eyes were a desirable influence after his long day of school and work. He nodded at them and they turned, leading him back in the direction that they had come.

“The girls at this party, man,” Scott began and Les thought he saw drool coming out of his mouth.

“Close your mouth, Scott,” Mitch laughed. “You don't want to catch any flies!”

They all laughed. For his part, Les was somewhat anxious about the girls at the party. He hadn't had too many conversations, let alone dated, any girls since coming to college. Sad but a fact of reality at that. He had a brief fling with another counselor last summer but that had fizzled out with the end of summer.

Mitch and Scott guided Les down the street, the few blocks apart from campus to sorority and fraternity row. None of them were frat boys themselves, but the parties were always the best place to get drunk and laid, not necessarily at the same time either.

The sorority house in question was just what one would expect, large two story house with shared bedrooms. Large living room opening onto a dining room that was at present busy with girls in skimpy dresses passing back and forth flirting demurely with anyone who caught their eye. All sorts of guys had come to be eye-caught by these sisters, from fellow frat brothers, to football jocks, to those of Les' tribe, slightly on the geeky side.

The boys entered the building and made themselves appear casual as they strolled through the house. Although butterflies flitted about Les's stomach as it had been awhile since he had been out in the party scene. A blonde cheerleader type bounced up to them and winked at Les.

“Hi!” she said, cheerfully and Les' half-expected her to start up a cheer. “Welcome to Phi Delta Kappa, boys! First time here, can I get you anything? Drinks and food in the kitchen!”

Without waiting for them to answer, she pointed down the hall to the kitchen, then skipped off to welcome more new-coming guests. They headed into the kitchen, which was packed with people in itself, those sitting on counters or standing around talking while sipping their drinks and eating the chips. Mitch fetched three beers for each of them and then looked around for a bottle opener for them.

Across the room, Les spied a girl with very curly long brown hair leaning against the sink and talking to a small circle of friends. He wasn't sure but he thought it might be...

“Trip?” the girl broke his train of thought and came towards him smiling.

“Tera?” he responded. “I thought that was you.”

Scott looked over at him and his mouth moved with the question “Trip?” Les ignored him, choosing instead to hug and greet Tera.

“Hi, how've you been?” Les continued unabated. “I didn't know you went here.”

“Yeah, just transferred this term,” she began. “I'm not in this sorority, my friend is though, she invited me. You go here?”

He nodded and then said, “I didn't see you at camp last summer.”

“No,” she shook her head slowly. “Did you go? Wait, that's a stupid question, don't answer that!”

Les laughed at her and said, “But yeah, first year as senior counselor!”

“Right on!” she said encouragingly. “Yeah, just got busy with work. Joined the volunteer fire department so, just didn't have time.”

Her eyes darted around the room and she saw her discarded drink on the counter by the sink. She glanced up at him and nodded towards it. He nodded back and she hurried over for it, quickly returning to his side.

“So, you want go somewhere and talk? Play catch-up?” She smiled in her friendly Tera fashion.

“Yeah, I'd like that,” and she led him into the noisy living room with the many chattering voices and the DJ's music.

They found a semi-quiet spot on the front porch. They sat down and sipped their drinks, taking in the views around them. The cars passing by, the college students walking back and forth between sorority and fraternity house parties, the street lamps burning brightly.

“All this noise kind of makes me miss it, you know, Crowshaven,” she said, looking around at him. He nodded at her, smiling slightly. “So, who else went?”

“No one from our group,” he informed her and then took a swig of beer.

“Oh,” she said and then stared back out at the street. “You still keep in contact with anyone though? Like, I don't know, Geoff?”

“Oh, yeah,” Les began and laughed. “You know, he came out to me about a month ago!”

“What?” Tera said, turning to him hungry for more details.

“Yeah, he called me up with big news, said he met someone, said his name was Sam, I'm like “him”, and Geoff's like well, yeah, I'm gay or something, you're the first person I'm telling,” Les explained. “I was kind of honored.”

“Wow,” was all Tera could say. “I would never have guessed.”

“Yeah, I know,” Les agreed. “But, you know, he's happy so that's all that counts.”

They were silent for a moment as they both nursed their drinks.

“Anyone else?” Tera asked. “Um, Jess?”

“College, in Berkeley,” was all Les would bitterly volunteer. Tera didn't press for more. In a moment, he cleared his throat and said, quietly, “So, how's Ruby?”

“Oh, she's in New York now,” Tera answered.

“I thought she went to Oregon or something?”

“Yeah, she was,” Tera explained. “She was going to school up there and fell in love with one of her professors, then followed him to New York and stuff.”

“Are they still together?” Les wanted to know.

“I think its an on and off kind of thing,” was all Tera could answer.

“So, what's she doing out there?”

“Working at a video store and going to gigs at night or whatever,” Tera informed.

“Gigs?”

“She's still song-writing, thinks she's going to become the next Jewel or something, you know,” Tera smiled. “More power to her, right?”

“Yeah, really, I hope she does make it,” was all Les would answer.  

Somewhere Only We Know

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One Final Time

The fire cackled bright and the smoke billowed upwards that last night at camp, their last night as junior counselors. The head counselor, Raven, took the stage to tell a story that would remain in their hearts and grow with meaning throughout their entire lives.

“There was once a little girl named Yellow,” she began. “Yellow lived in the land of yellow, where everything was yellow. Her parents, the King and Queen, told her never to go beyond her yellow walls. But, one day when Yellow was playing with her yellow ball, she threw it and it went over the wall. Not thinking, Yellow ran after it. She ran and ran until she came to the ocean, where everything was blue. A little girl walked up to her and said, “Hi, I'm Blue, what's your name?” Yellow said, “Well, I'm Yellow.” Blue said, “Let's be friends.” So they played and played until one day when they were sitting by a tide pool, Yellow noticed her reflection in the water and that everywhere Blue touched her she would turn a strange green color. She got up and ran and ran until she came to the desert where everything was Red. A little boy walked up to her and said, “Hi, I'm Red, what's your name?” She said, “I'm Yellow.” Red said, “Let's be friends.” So, they played and played until one day they were sitting by an oasis and Yellow noticed that wherever Red touched her she changed a strange orange color. And, she started to cry. “What's wrong, Yellow?” Red wanted to know. Yellow said, “Everyone I get close to changes my color. Blue changed me green and you are changing me orange. I don't want to change. I'm Yellow.” Red thought a minute and then said, “Isn't it special though that the people you love change you in such a way that when you leave them you carry a piece of them wherever you go?” Yellow thought and said, “Yeah, you're are right.” Yellow went up to Alaska where everything was white. A little girl walked up to her and said, “Hi, I'm White, what's your name?” Yellow said, “Hi, I'm Rainbow, let's be friends.”

Raven looked out into the dusky dark at the assembled senior counselors, junior counselors, and campers alike. She smiled quietly and then said, “Jewels is up next but what you really want to know is, Whose on deck?”

The campers recited the last question with her and she beamed at all of them.

“That would be all the junior counselors,” she answered and moved down into the audience.

Jewels, or Ruby, climbed onto the stage with her guitar. She stood and looked out into the sea of faces in the dark, timidly. This was the moment she had been waiting for her entire three summers at camp. She had yet to stand up on stage at campfire and perform by herself, let alone one of her songs. This was also her final time to let Les know how she felt, she hoped against hope that he alone would truly hear her message.

“This is a poem by the poet, Rod McKuen, that I adapted into song. I hope you like it,” and she began strumming the chords that led to the lyrics. Nervously she began but soon lost herself in the power of the song, the words so vibrant to her.

“I wanted to write you some words you’d remember
words so alert they’d leap from the paper
and crawl up your shoulder and lie by your ears
and be there to comfort you down through the years.
But it was cloudy that day and I was lazy
and so I stayed in bed just thinking about it.

I wanted to write you and tell you that maybe
love songs from lovers are unnecessary.
We are what we feel and writing it down.
seems foolish sometimes without vocal sound.
But I spent the day drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes
and looking in the mirror practicing my smile.

I wanted to write you one last, long love song
that said what I feel one final time.
Not comparing your eyes and mouth to the stars
but telling you only how like yourself you are.
But by the time I thought of it, found a pen,
put the pen to ink, the ink to paper,
you were gone.

And so, this song has no words.”

She finished the song and the rest of her family of junior counselors joined her on-stage. The stood arm and arm and began singing A'Capella the song they had memorized these three years at camp, the closing campfire song with a simple truth of life that brought back memories of what Crowshaven had done for them in their awkward and sometimes needy teenage years.

Together they sang, “Peace I ask of thee, O'River, Peace, Peace, Peace. When I learn to live serenely, cares will cease. From the hills I gather courage, visions of the days to come. Strength to lead and faith to follow, all are given unto me. Peace I ask of thee, O'River, Peace, Peace, Peace. Abide with me, fast falls evening tide, the darkness deepens, Lord with me abide, when other helpers fail and comforts flee, help all the helpless, Lord, abide with me.”

It was over and the junior counselors helped guide the campers back to their cabin for their final night before boarding the bus back to the 'real world'. Jewels' senior counselor took her campers up to the cabin so Jewels hung back. She walked down to a cliff over-looking the flowing, singing river below, the one that was the boundary between the magical world of Crowshaven and the outside reality. She sat down on the still warm surface from the day's sun and in the dark listened to the sounds of camp, trying to capture their memory in her heart for all time. Trip, or Les, walked up behind her, she could feel him. He stood for a moment and she held her breath. Would he say anything, had he heard?

Trip hesitated for a moment, standing and listening himself. He thought about sitting beside her but then heard his campers calling to him. He slowly turned and walked away into the night.

Peace & Abide

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One Final Time

July 14^th, 1997

The final summer as junior counselors before their senior year of high school, before the majority of them head to the halls of university scattered across the state and even the country, before the real world of grown-up cares begins and childhood is left behind. Some may choose to come back as full counselors and yet as they head up the majority of them are thinking that too shall be their paths. This before life leads them down other alleyways of direction and focus. Buried within their hearts no matter how time passes will be the memories of those summer days tucked away in the protective seclusion of Camp Crowshaven, the magical feeling of love and full acceptance remaining for all times in their hearts, unaware of the affect it will make on the rest of their lives and those with whom they come into contact.

But, for now, they board the bus, unaware of what lies beyond the days of camp and their high school existence, for now only focusing on the joyous week to come, filled with the events of camp living and summer loves. Maybe this year would be the summer, as it is the one last time, that Ruby and Les will confess their love, or rather, their feelings. Maybe this will be the summer that it finally happens.

Tera swung herself in the seat beside Ruby and beamed at her friend.

“Jewels, guess what I just found out?” She waited, baiting her friend to answer.

“Well, what?” Ruby finally relented and asked.

“Guess whose single now?” Tera was loving drawing out this juicy gossip that she hoped would bring glad tidings. Ruby looked her over, quizzically and smirked.

“Who?”

Exasperated, Tera sighed and said, “Les!”

Ruby leaned into her friend and whispered, “What?”

“Yeah,” Tera began, relishing in the gossip. “Jess broke up with him, saying she wanted to “pursue other things” at least that's why she told me.”

“Other things?” Ruby questioned. “What other things?”

“I don't know, she said just getting ready for college and sports and stuff,” Tera began and them smiled, “But I think there's someone back at home she likes, or something.”

“Hmm,” was all Ruby would say. Tera leaned in and winked at her friend.

“So?” She asked, waiting.

“So?” Ruby played coy. “Maybe its that one guy we met at Les's party, that really smelly hippie guy with the good weed.”

“Oh, gross,” Tera recoiled. “I wouldn't wish that on anyone!”

They both laughed loudly and the campers around them looked over. The girls quieted down somewhat embarrassed. Tera looked her friend over and then said once again, “So?”

“So, what?” Ruby repeated and looked out the window. Tera sighed again exasperated and pushed her friend with her shoulder.

“So, are you gonna say something?” Tera pried. Ruby looked back at Tera and blushed.

“Um, yeah, maybe, I mean, I don't know how he feels, so...”

“How can you be so stupid?” Tera reprimanded her friend. “Its pretty clear you both like each other!”

“You really think so?” Ruby raised her eyebrows and bit her lip, hopefully.

“Yeah, so do something, this may be the final time you ever see him!”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah, who knows where we are going to be next year, with college and everything,” Tera explained. “We all could lose track of each other.”

Both Ruby and Tera looked around at their assembled friends scattered throughout the bus, amongst the campers. The friends that had grown close to them, had been such a vital part of their high school experience if only for those two weeks every summer at camp. Those friends that had been beacons of refuge not just in the summer but during the school year, through good times and hard times, from prom dates to life and death calls, with the times they'd met up for camp reunions during the year. How would their lives be different without the familiarity of these faces? They looked them. Near the front of the bus sat Geoff, happy-go-lucky Geoff, tall and gangly and unaware of his unapproachable dorkiness but always ready to please. Near by him surrounded by adoring fan-like mini-me pre-teen girls sat beautiful Jess, if anything destined to do the model-type walk. In the back of the bus sat Les, looking out the windows, his blue eyes lost in concentration of that which was not in the bus, trying to forget his awkwardness at seeing Jess.

He hadn't thought he minded the break up, after all it left him open to pursue other “things.” He glanced over at Ruby and Tera, the two of them giggling and whispering together, somewhat conspiratorially. This was the last year, his one final time to say and do something. He studied the two of them, envied their close relationship, surely these two would never lose track of each other. If he kept in contact with one, he would surely be able to find the other.   

Somewhere Only We Know

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Peace & Abide

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One Final Time

In the basement of Les's dad's house, Ruby found herself Saturday evening, with the lights dimmed, music flowing in the background, and the swirling familiarity of her camp friends about her. She inhaled from the pipe that was passed around and listened to the idle chatter. Les sat beside Jess, although he paid little attention to her, Ruby noticed. This wasn't due to any lack of interest on his part but more to his overall laid back attitude and lack of interest in public displays of affection. For her part, Jess played that she was okay with that but secretly wished he would display more affection, at least in front of the other girls present in order to solidify her connection to him. Especially that of Ruby. She wouldn't outwardly admit to it, but inwardly she felt that twinge of jealousy when Ruby was around, for she saw a deep connection between the two of them that perhaps they didn't even recognize. Or perhaps it was just the pot, who knew? After it all it was her friend, Mickey, who had provided the stash and proudly he sat in the circle gazing hazily, eyes slanted, around at those grouped about him. She hoped that not only would this help bond him to some more positive friends but by seeing her with Les it might dissuade him from any future undertakings of pursuing her.

“So, what now?” Geoff asked around, breaking through the stony hazed minds like the smoke that encircled them. Slanted eyes turned their gaze over to Les as if seeking his answer to the question.

“I got a movie,” he began. “And a pizza, if anyone's hungry?”

“Dude,” Mickey said, licking his chapped lips. “Pizza!”

“What movie?” Ruby managed to speak loudly enough over the music.

“Clerks,” Les said looking straight at her and into her eyes. “Ever see it?”

She shook her head and Geoff piped up with, “That's such a good movie!”

The music was switched off, the pizza brought down along with several bottles of coke. With paper plates and plastic cups strewed about, the Crowshaven bunch (with Mickey too) gathered about on the beat up old hide-a-bed sofa in front of the TV to watch the Kevin Smith film. Jess sat on the couch with Les between her legs on the floor, beside him sat Ruby, trying to hide her awareness of him next to her. Les sat awkwardly taking in her nearness, thinking of that kiss last summer so far away ago now it seemed. At times when he kissed Jess, he imagined, remembered that time he kissed Ruby and would pull away half expecting to see Ruby, instead of Jess, before him. He was not sure what that meant or even if it, that kiss, would ever amount to anything. He did want it too, he would admit only to himself, and maybe if drunk enough to Geoff, although he tried his best to remain faithful to Jess. But, monogamy was difficult for him, he was after all a teenage male growing up in the nineties. For her part, Ruby too wondered about that kiss with Les beside her, she wondered if he ever thought about it. Some times at night, she'd lay in bed remembering the press of his soft lips against hers, the taste of his tongue in her mouth, the sound of the fire crackling amidst the voices behind hers, the scent of the fresh air of nature wafting about her, and wished that he would come to her...

Would he ever? Was all her hopes in vain? Was this why no other relationship seemed to go anywhere? Was Les really the man she hoped for, her sempre amore, her truest love, her soul-mate? In her heart of hearts, she hoped against all hope that he was.   

It Can't Rain All The Time

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