Well, I finally did it. After days of soul searching, prayer, and intense study of the word, I finally came to the realization that I need to let go of all my bitterness and move on with my life. One of this was I needed to face my dad with the pain that I have caused. So, because I am afraid to address him to his face, I wrote him an email. I didn't want to go behind his back and try to get my siblings and family all riled up and angry with me because they just haven't witnessed what he has been like throughout these last few years, they also haven't been through the serious recovery I have been through that has dug up all kinds of pain that has been brought about by his hands. But, ladies and gentleman, I want you all to know that I forgive him for not being the father that I needed him to be and I hope and pray that he can find the kind of healing that I have found. I don't know what the letter will do to help, but I did outline some of the abuse I remember him doing to me, in hopes, this will bring about a realization of his own weaknesses and struggles, things that he needs to work on.
As I have been speaking about obedience (the word of the past week), this feels like I have stepped out in this way. It feels like I have once again taken an avenue towards healing. I need to let go of trying to change my father and accept him as he is, and hopefully the bitterness in my heart will dissipate and I can pray for true healing and wholeness to come to him. I have to admit honestly that when I was living there I witnessed lots of anger from him, which made me very upset. Once I moved out, I couldn't stop ranting and raving against him, even though I didn't have to deal with it. I feared for my mom but now I know that come what may with whatever is between them, she has to make her own decisions. And really I don't think she is in any real phyiscal danger. I need to focus on my own healing from bitterness and pain and come to accept my father for the good that he gave me, not just the bad. He taught me to work hard and to not accept defeat, albeit with an angry tone. And because of the love of other older men in my life (Pastor Chris, John Cole, for example), I have developed an appreciation for the love of what a healthy father would offer me. More importantly, I know that I have a father in heaven that offers me the kind of love that I need to withstand any trial or suffering, a real unconditional love.
I shared with him some quotes I am reading that have been helpful to me in my healing towards loving unconditionally, and I hope and pray they will shed light on his own mind. I share them with you here, dear reader.
"All of you need to heal from the same wounds. All trespasses/violations must be made conscious and the emotions attached to them must be released. This is the way that all wounded beings move from the experience of conditional love to the experience of love without conditions."
"In the process of healing, you learn to give yourself the unconditional love you never received from your biological parents. And in this process you are "born again" and reparented, not by other authority figures, but by the Source of Love inside yourself."
"Awakening from abuse means rejecting the illusion that you are not lovable as you are. You demonstrate love by giving it unconditionally to yourself. And, as you do, you attract others into your life who are able to love you without conditions."
"Your ego dies when you no longer have use for it. Until then, it will not be taken from you. You can hold onto your ego almost forever, but you will not do this. For this is hell, and you will not want to live in hell forever. There will come a time when the pain will be overwhelming. There will come a time when you will call out to me "Jesus. Please help me. I am ready to let go." That time comes for every being, I assure you."
I believe by writing this letter and the editions I have written in the past and the heartfelt prayers I have prayed to my savior, I have received the power to truly let go. But, of course, I must remember that healing is a process and I may have to say over and over again, "Jesus, I am ready to let go." But, I am for if I continue to hang onto the bitterness caused by my father's inability to be who I want him to be, the pain caused by others, the decision of others to walk away from me for whatever reason, I will someday end up like my father. I am determined for the cycle of anger and mistreatment to end here. I am determined that my children will grow up in a healthy home, free to express their emotions and grow into the well-adjusted, happy, and whole adults they need to be to make a difference in the world. And, as I keep saying, I am determined that to be a servant of all, of God, my husband, my friends, my family, and yes, even my father.
"Until then, all you can do is walk through your fears. Acknowledge every fear you have and turn each one over to me. "Jesus, I am afraid to die...Jesus, I am afraid to love...Jesus, I am afraid God will abandon me.""
It says in the Bible that God will never leave us, nor forsake us. So, dear friends and readers, hesitate not to turn your anxieties and your fears over to him. You can even yell at him, in my experience, he won't turn away. He loves you and knows what's best for you.
I leave you with a scripture that always brings a fresh understanding to how much Jesus really is the love of God:
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
I know putting my name in the place of love this scripture would be a lie; I have been anything but these things. But, God has been faithful to fulfill each of these claims.
Dear one, I thank you for reading this. I hope it has meant something to you and brought some kind of healing or awakening to you, as it has for me. Please pray for my father and for my own healing. I believe this email I have sent him may be a journey that he and I will go on, separately and I hope together.
Thank you for your support. Remember, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you.
In God's love, until tomorrow
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