An Open Letter To My Calvary Chapel
Friends & Those Belonging to Fundamentalist Churches:
First, in response to your thoughts on
the women's march: The march itself was in no way a denigration of
the women and men that were participating yesterday, but individuals
coming together in unity exercising their right to freedom of speech
and expression. It was for those that cannot speak out, out of fear
in a variety of forms. Those that were marching yesterday, myself
included, were doing it out of love and concern for the freedoms for
themselves, for their children, and for the rights of others,
including yours. There was no judgment or hatred present at all
yesterday. Know that to be true because it is.
Secondly, on a more personal level, I
would like to share my story of leaving Calvary Chapel and that
world-view with you. Knowing that you will not fully receive it,
knowing that you may never understand it or want to realize its
truth...I share this. Before I left, I battled with the reality of
what I was seeing on the inside, the manipulation of the leadership
to the flock through controlling what was being taught or offered as
a form of learning (only the Bible or Calvary Chapel sanctioned safe
books), the lies about the world political and spiritual climate;
(ex: the government never broke down the doors of the church to
arrest the pastors and ex: The world hates Jesus, The world hates you
because of Jesus in you. Not true. The world doesn't hate Jesus, The
world doesn't hate you), the outward shaming by both the leadership
and the members of the church using spiritual appropriate speak
against an individual's choice of life-style, opinions, and
interests. (Ex: Turn away from the things that cause sin, to
stumble, but what if they don't but are perceived by the church to be
stumbling because they distract from the church's teaching and
control), and lastly the church's teaching on those of the heart and
emotions being evil, thereby causing a person to devalue and distrust
their own thoughts and feelings. These are just some of the many
reasons that had to leave.
I did not leave because of sin, or
backsliding, or even that I turned my back on God. I did not leave
because of my lack of love for God or even for you. I did not, and
never will, cease to love you as a dear friend and part of my life.
I did not ever want to leave you. I stayed as long as I did because
I did not want to leave you or our friendship behind. I left because
the environment I was in was no longer healthy, but rather toxic. I
left because the church was no longer a place where I could find the
love of Jesus, the acceptance, tolerance, and openness of God, but a
place where I was stifled in my understanding of the Bible, the
teachings of Jesus, and spirituality as a whole.
I realize now that they day I left
Calvary Chapel, the very day, it was the spirit of God leading me out
the door. It was God directing me to pick up my coffee cup, walk to
the back door, let the back gate fall behind me and leave. I did not
even know on that day that I was leaving Calvary Chapel. I just felt
God saying to me, “Get out now.” Truly I did.
The years that followed were both
beautiful and difficult at the same time as I freed myself from the
devastating mind control of Calvary Chapel's teachings. I remembered
and still do with fondness the beautiful parts of it, mostly the
wonderful memories of closeness I shared with you, the laughter
shared, the long conversations, the deep meaningful prayers, the
jokes shared over meals. I fought hard with God to regain that, went
back and forth from denial to bargaining to anger at the realization
of the truth of Calvary Chapel's wrongness. I was led to depression,
isolation, loneliness. I slowly regained relationships with those
that I had left behind when I entered Calvary Chapel. I slowly began
to find myself again, to learn again to love myself, to heal. I wept
as I read the scriptures, especially the gospels, where when I read
about the Pharisees, I felt the spirit showing me that that was the
leadership of Calvary Chapel. That was the hardest and yet the first
step toward freedom I see that now. God himself showing me,
confirming in me, that Calvary Chapel was unhealthy. That I was
right to leave.
I connected with other people that had
left Calvary Chapel and similar fundamentalist churches, found
websites about Calvary Chapel Abuse and Recovery, where multitudes of
people wrote in about all that they had suffered while attending many
Calvary Chapel churches, I reconnected with close friends that I had
known at the Calvarys I attended that had also left it behind, I
found and became a fan of the Drunk Ex-Pastors whose insights on
their time involved with Calvary coupled with their intellect and
sense of humor helped bring healing and freedom to my mind and heart.
I also had long talks about friends
about you, my dear Calvary Chapel friends still on the inside. I
told them how worried and sick I was over you still being trapped on
the inside. I only wanted for you what I was discovering on the
outside, to be free, truly happy, and in a healthy place. I never
stopped loving you. Through these conversations, I came to the
realization that everyone has their path, that my path is not your
path, nor is your place or position in life mine and vice-versa. I
realized not only that I could still love you but in that I could let
you go to make the choices you needed to make in your life. I
learned that despite having to move away from you, I could still love
you, would always cherish the times I had with you as a valuable
asset to my own spiritual and self growth. I learned that in order
to reach my full potential as a woman I had to leave you behind.
Lastly, I pray for you to this day. On
the outside of Calvary Chapel, I have found what I did not find on
the inside. I have discovered “out here” that the teachings of
Jesus about love, service to other people, and the world are just as
real, if not more out here, than inside Calvary Chapel. I have
discovered that people out here love God just as much, if not more,
offer service to each other and the world just as much, if not more,
than on the inside of Calvary. I have discovered that God is just as
real, if not more, on the outside than on the inside of Calvary
Chapel. Is your mind blown yet? Mine was. But, this is all true, my
dear friend, it is all true. As I said, I pray for you constantly,
pray that you will find this out for yourself, pray that you too will
find the freedom from Calvary Chapel's negative and toxic
manipulations, that, more importantly, you will find the freedom
needed to find true peace and reach your true potential. It was my
one hope and prayer for you and always will be.
As for all the people out here in the
world, it is I that understands you like no other. It is I that is
your strongest ally on the outside, your biggest champion fighting
for your rights, your well-being. It is I, that despite going our
separate ways, will always love you, pray for you, and fight for you.
Sincerely Yours,
Lia
