Grief Is Grief #parasocialrelationship #suzannesomers #richardmoll #matthewperry

 

In the last two weeks, American pop-culture has lost three individuals from different decades of TV fame.  Yes, there were others and I wish not to discredit the effect of their loss, but for the purpose of this article, I wish to focus on the TV celebrities who graced the small screen of 70's, 80's, & 90's top TV shows.  These actors include, Suzanne Somers, Three's Company in the 70's, then later so much more, Richard Moll, Night Court in the 80's but also so much more, and, finally, Matthew Perry, Friends in the 90's, and so much more.  The loss of these three has profoundly left a mark of heart-break across the wide culture of America.  Yet, for those outside Hollywood, scarcely honestly knew each of these, perhaps a mere chance encounter, however, mostly through the medium of TV on their various shows and characters, perhaps an interview or social media presence.  The relationship of those non-Hollywood related, non personal friends or colleagues of Somers, Moll, and Perry would fall into the category of "Parasocial Relationship".

Abstaining from crossing over to a level of psychosis in parasocial relationship, such as a stalker, most do have a certain celebrity or celebrities that have touched them in such a way that has profoundly impacted, such being the reasoning behind my podcast the "FanGirlHour, wherein the guest shares the reasons behind their fave fandom.  (See: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/fangirling)  Yet, even with the lesser level of parasocial connectivity, a fan can still maintain the logical distance in understanding the separation of relationship, meaning, "It's not real, man".  Generally speaking, this understanding of the relationship is acceptable, to 'fangirl' as such is not only socially acceptable, a norm within society, but also emotionally fulfilling for the fan.  Yet, what happens to the human heart when the celebrity passes away from this plane of existence to whatever lies beyond?

I'll Be There For You

Unlike most, celebrities of TV and film, leave behind a plethora of content to mine through and thus can be healing for those left behind, whether close friend or fan, especially with the three mentioned.  Suzanne Somers was less relevant in current times yet her body of work expanded decades as well the mark of fighting for equality of pay for female actors to male actors far outreaching. 

Richard Moll, similar to Suzanne Somers in relevance, aside from a select group of loyal fans mostly to that of Night Court.  Night Court, a quirky court-room, comedy was obscure as it was relevant.  Within the context of the often silly humor, a deeper meaning of society is reflected upon the viewer, if they catch or not not always necessary.  Therefore, the quirky complexity of Night Court was oft overshadowed by the television show, Cheers, which location and characters were more accessible to every day life.  The current age of fandom for Night Court is found in those individuals aging from their late 30's through early 50s, those that were smallish children at the time the show was airing.  Growing up, these young fans, most likely, did not fully grasp the depth of the story yet enjoyed the silly comedy.  Therefore, these viewers followed the story through the Richard Moll's "Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon", whose simple yet wise fool, viewed the goings-on with the child-like wonder and sometimes confusion that the younger audience could relate.  Therein lies the intense heart-break of his death. 

However, the most accessible and heartbreaking loss of many is that of 54 year old Matthew Perry, most famous for Chandler Bing, on the 90's show, Friends.  Even more widely accessible and understood than even Cheers, Friends was a show with the simple concept of several friendships over a ten year span living, working, falling in and out of love in New York City.  Each of the six characters, vividly depicted, were different from one another yet continued to love and cherish the connection.  Perry's "Chandler" was known as the sarcastic yet socially climber enthusiast of the group, yet within a heart of gold and intense loyalty to his 'family of friends'.  Therefore, Perry's still higher relevance upon society, his show still widely viewed in popularity, has left an even deeper mark upon the hearts of many.  Friendship is a universal desire among all, thus the loss of Matthew Perry leaves the feeling of truly 'losing a friend'. 

As said above, the loss of a celebrity to one who held only a parasocial connection is fraught.  At once, the logical sense states that the grief is irrelevant and yet not as important as those we lost we actually knew.  However, the heart, the emotional part, only truly knows that what once was here is now gone.  Thus, grief, no matter the closeness of the relationship, is simply that, grief.  The stages therein of grief, no matter the context, must be experienced as any other.  The loss is significant, if not, for the individual but also for the collective.  

In the wake of the sudden absence of a celebrity, the process of healing is best when allowed freely without judgment, reflecting upon the lessons learned from what they gave to one and to all, cherishing the happy moments, and experiencing freely the heart-break of farewell.

I'll See You Again

Mistakes Life's Greatest Teachers: Night Court Of Life Lessons Chapter Fourteen

 

Mistakes Life's Greatest Teachers

If your friends are meant to be there for you no matter what, through thick and thin, then the myriad of faces that tread across the courtroom floor of the original Night Court are just that, friends to the end throughout the good and the bad.  The choices of each character brought about amusing storylines but also went deeper than that to reveal the true power of unconditional and nonjugmental acceptance of another and the support that involves in developing one's personal confidence and self worth.  Of this, I can attest to as I continue forward in my soul's evolution recognizing the value of healthy relation and that that isn't.  

These characters had their fair share of honest and not so fair choices that led to mistakes, however, this helped further the growth of their development into a truly better soul.  These include Bull's rapid decision to quit his job as bailiff to take up work as a professional wrestler, a myriad of Dan's quick get ahead decisions or one night stands, Harry's reaction to being called a "Pig" which led him to walk away from the bench, and Christina or Billie's naive decision to stand up for what they believed was right for the clients even if it flew in the face of the law.  In each decision made, they were led down the winding pathway until the destruction, leading them to face themselves and own their mistakes.  With each step, their friends and colleagues followed them throughout, finding themselves both amused by the antics that were caused by the choices made while also expressing concern towards their loved one.  In the end, it was these loved ones that gently (or sometimes not so) helped their friend dust themselves, return to their feet, and continue forward, albeit a bit abashed but not worse for the wear, in fact, better because of the circumstances. 

In a very real sense, the mistakes made were the greatest of teachers that taught the lessons needed to shape the soul into its truest and highest self.  Such is the same with us, as we stumble through this life, sometimes faltering with our choices and finding a door slamming in our faces, we need not bemoan ourselves for our mistakes or hearing that resounding "No" echoing within our soul weakening our self worth, but rather see these deadends as not our demise but an opportunity to turn, reflecting within, and begin again.  

Stephanie Powers, the host of the podcast, "Lightworkers Lounge" famously shares that 'failures are not endings, but opportunities for new beginnings' (paraphrase). 

You take me to another space in time
You take me to a higher place
So I'm, I'm about to get out of the race
I don't mind
You ought to know that everything's nothing if I don't have you

A Higher Place

Find out more about Stephanie Powers & L ightworkers Lounger at: Lightworkers Lounge

What Friends Are For: Night Court Of Life Lessons Chapter Thirteen

 

Good friends stick by your side through life's journey, calling you out when you go astray, lifting you up in times of heartache, and cheering you on when the glorious finished line is achieved with true heartfelt satisfaction

Oh, the power of friendship!  What can be said about the notion of good, solid friendship?  How can it be defined and explained in mere words what is felt within?

Friendship, merely platonic, is somehow seen as less important than other connections, be they romantic or familial, yet the import of a good friend is so necessary for one's soul's evolution.  A good friend straightens your tie or your skirt before you head into a big meeting, cheers you on when you glance back for encouragement, loves you no matter what may come, and sees value in you even when your exterior choices seems so undesirable.

Looking at the Dan Fielding character of it all, his sex-crazed, seemingly narcissistic ploys for power, one wonders why his colleagues maintained any sort of connection outside of the necessary work relationship, but thus they did.  Because underneath it all, as we have seen and continue to see revealed throughout the series, Dan Fielding bore a heart of good and fierce loyalty to do what's right, even if it meant sacrificing his own desires at times.  Thus, there was always a limit to his perceived slimy drives and usually were reached when his actions would cause harm to another.  His friends saw that happen time after time and thus were patient during each new undertaking because they knew the power of good would win the day overall.

Dan was not the only character that saw the power of good friendship given to him.  Each character felt the longlasting effect of being apart of Judge Stone's courtroom, including Stone himself.  (Just as each actor (and most likely the crew) felt the longlasting effect of being cast in Night Court, including Anderson himself.) Whether it be, patiently waiting for Dan to grasp the moral choice in his graspings, whether it be Christine's giving birth in an elevator, endlessly attempting to educate Bull on what a sex change was yet to no avail, or endearing the myriad of Harry's magic tricks again and again, true friendship stayed and saw through the person's exterior, time and time again. 

Thus, they grew to one another as a whole, recognizing that each is full of nuance, not merely good or bad, and each capable of ever evolving into something better.  From this, we can conjecture that good friends stick by your side through life's journey, calling you out when you go astray, lifting you up in times of heartache, and cheering you on when the glorious finished line is achieved with true heartfelt satisfaction.

That's What Friends Are For

We're your friends

We're your friends

We're your friends to the bitter end

When you're alone

Who comes around

To pluck you up

When you are down

And when you're outside, looking in

Who's there to open the door?

That's what friends are for!

For more of chapters about the power of friendship within Night Court, check out Wisdom From Night Court , Life Is Short; Hug A Friend, and Family Is Thicker Than Blood

They Can't All Be Gems: Night Court Of Life Lessons Chapter Ten

They Can't All Be Gems

Okay, I'm gonna admit something that isn't all that easy to say  for me; Night Court may have had some moments that were less than perfect, that is all I will allow.  Yes, the best TV show of all times has left me shaking my head at times.

So, I have been re-watching the show through Amazon with as many episodes as they have per season and have now reached season three.  Already, I have mourned the loss of Selma, once more, some thirty odd years later after her death, as I watched an episode that aired just days before she passed.  They must have known, she was probably already in hospice with death close to approaching, can you imagine that they had to go out and act while knowing that?   In addition, I have fallen hard over Ellen Foley as Billie Young only to watch her magically disappear as Markie Post re-emerged as Christine Sullivan, bittersweet all around, because as much as I love Markie as Christine, I equally adored Ellen as Billie.  Couldn't we have found someway to have both?  But, alas, the past is past and when all is said in done, at least in the reruns, we can have them both.

Anyway, I digress....I digress so hard because I gulp to explain my thoughts.   This is hard to admit, that the TV show that has brought me such joy, peace, and healing had moments that were less than par, or at least, left me scratching my head wondering why...

Yet, even in that, a valuable lesson is shown to me through these minor, and I mean MINOR, imperfections.  

So, the first episode, I want to hold up as less than ideal is from season two, episode six entitled, "Bull Gets A Kid" in which Bull Shannon becomes a surrogate father to a child, like a "Big Brother" type thing.  The kid appears and plays off as if to be a boy, complete with short, cropped hair and boyish clothes, and Bull is over the moon with the connection.  Yet, when this child needs to use the bathroom, the truth is revealed...he is really a she and she masqueraded as a boy because boys are the majority picked for the program of surrogate fathers.  Bull is devastated with the news, acting as if majorly betrayed and acting as if he cannot relate to the child as a girl.  

Now, I know this was the eighties, just a mere thirty years outside of the fifties, and that the notion of gender was more strict and restricted than is today, but I still found an issue with this.  As a child, I don't recall having such issue, yes, but still I may not have actually seen this episode back then or just may not have fully understood ( I was a kid after all).  What bothered me was Bull's acting with such betrayal and horror at being mislead, at treating her as if she was somehow different because of her gender, as if nothing they had shared mattered, even to dejectedly hand her the football he purchased saying, "maybe you can make it a doll", wait, a girl cannot toss around a football, Bull? Later, he finally makes up with her and they continue their father/daughter type connection with her showing up in a dress and them heading off to the opera...so, why does the activity have to change?  

In very truth, some seasons later this show would challenge the notion of sexuality and gender in a way that was un-seen anywhere else back then, such as when Dan Fieldings high school jock buddy shows up as a woman, but still this episode, "Bull gets a kid" did not sit well with me.   For even though I am full cis-gender chic, I believe that that doesn't stop me from enjoying activities and indulging in arenas that may seem more male and believe that all should have this luxury, no matter how they identify.  

Yet, this will not stop me from calling Night Court the best TV show,  well basically, my favorite TV show of all time.

Next, the other night, I watched season three, episode five, "Halloween, Too", in which Harry falls hard for a woman who ends up being a practicing witch, of which he finds out after she is arrested and brought before him for disrupting the peace because of a ritual in Central Park.  Okay, the issue with her being a witch is not the issue, it's how they decided to follow through with the story, which I find as more lazy than discriminatory towards any form of religion.  

Through the interactions between Harry and his other colleagues, it is made known that the relationship between him and his witch girlfriend would cause a major scandal and possibly affect the ability for him to keep his job.  I was confused by this but wanted to offer the benefit of the doubt, it was the eighties, this could have been normal, right? My partner, a man in his sixties, shook his head no, not even in the eighties.  

So, am I pissed at Night Court for some kind of weird alternative religious discrimination?  No, I'm not pissed at all in fact, but kinda relieved.  See, I feel that this story line specifically was kinda lazy on behalf of the writers.  It would appear as if because Harry couldn't maintain this relationship past this episode they had to find a way to end it, break his heart because I guess they enjoyed hurting the poor guy (them bastards), and, hey, it's a Halloween episode so why not make her a witch and...yeah, lazy writing.***

But, no, I'm not pissed.  Like, I said, I'm relieved.  Because as a creator myself, in so many ways influenced by Night Court itself, it's a relief to see that the show that was and is my foundation didn't always knock it out of the ballpark and, you know, that's okay.  

So, I take that to heart when what I create and put out in the world doesn't make the hugest of splashes or brings about some criticism, all the greats have their moments, right, they can't all be gems. 

No matter, keep creating, keep following the path.

And I won't let you get me down

I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground

Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh

I won't let you get me down

I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground

Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh

I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh

I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh

I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh

I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh

Never Give Up

***Watching the show today, I never realized how often Harry was a dude checking out a girl or trying to date her, I must have overlooked that as a child, and I'll admit as someone who admired him as an ideal father figure, this is kinda awkward for me.  

Right Place, Right Time: Night Court Of Life Lessons Chapter Six

 

Right Here, Right Now

When viewers first watched (or watch in reruns) Night Court, they marveled at how such a young person, early thirties, at the time could become a judge.  Furthermore, the other characters within Night Court when Harry became judge were equally as perplexed and concerned as to who this maverick was and how he received the appointment.  Antics ensued as they tried to question his authority and find ways to have him removed because he didn't abide by the rules of the court.  Yet, throwing out the book was the gift Harry brought to the courtroom and what helped bring true resolution to the cases brought before him, as those opposed to him quickly surmised and began to trust him.

As that first episode of season one comes to a close, Harry confides in Lana just how he got the job, explaining that they had a long list of available judges that they called on that day, Harry happened to be home, answered the home, and so he got the job.  "But," he reiterated, "I was on the list."

The notion of Harry's 'right place, right time' approach to getting employed is more mystical than pure luck or coincidence.  One of the reasons Harold T. Stone was loved was for his child-like exuberance he brought to each situation, placing real interest in the people before him, whoever they may be, and bringing in the flair of magic in all his interactions.  Although there were times when he became downtrodden and depressed, ultimately he bounced back, returning to his child-like, magical view at life, that brought hope and encouragement to all he met.  

Why is that? I conjecture because the character, Harold T. Stone, lived his life as much as in the moment as could possibly be, letting circumstances unfold and occur as they happened, without judgment but instead with wonder and curiousity.  Thus, in that state of presence, he found himself repeatedly in the right place at the right time, not, mind you, through any act of his control, but because he allowed the unfolding to occur in its own magical course.

What I am writing about here is that sense of flow.  

Flow is defined as "a state of mind in which a person becomes fully immersed in an activity. Positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi describes flow as a state of complete immersion in an activity. While in this mental state, people are completely involved and focused on what they are doing. "The ego falls away."

As the ego relinquishes control, a person is able to release his or her own demands for life and circumstances to occur as they direct and truly to enjoy the fullness of joy that life has to offer. 

There is no other place I want to be
Right here, right now
Watching the world wake up from history

Right Here, Right Now

Life Is Short; Hug A Friend: Night Court of Life Lessons Chapter Three

 Life is Short; Hug A Friend

Here we go, chapter three of Night Court of Life Lessons.  Today's lesson is inspired by Night Court Season Three, Episode One, entitled, "Hello, Good-Bye".  In this episode, Christine Sullivan (Markie Post) returns and becomes a series regular, replacing Ellen Foley, but sadly another castmember is missing and that is Selma Diamond who passed in May of that year.  Thus, the crux of the show centers around having to hire a new bailiff as well as the grief over such loss, which especially affects Bull (Richard Moll). This affect is made evidence to all when Bull shows up to work late, heavily inebriated, and surrounded by some interesting circus folk.  ("Meet the gang", he slobbers with a big grin.) Harry immediately calls a recess and the rest of the cast rally Bull into Harry's chambers.  

Bull drunkenly sways around while the rest, especially Harry, attempt to figure out the root cause of Bull's lapse in judgment.  Christine, new to the court and already feeling defensive over her belief that Harry doesn't take her seriously as a woman, tries to offer her service to help Bull, which irritates Harry, furthering Christine's belief of Harry's insensitivity.  As I can understand  Christine's point of view, I can also see why Harry would react the way he was and how she had misjudged him.  I feel like saying "Geez,read the room, Christine", as the stress and anxiety over his friend, Bull's, condition is weakening his ability to be rational and, maybe, "Back off a little, newbie." ***

Eventually, though, Bull confesses his reasoning for drinking was to toast his beloved Selma over and over again, reminding the others of their loss and pain once more.  Harry attempts to encourage Bull that it's time to move on, which does not satisfy or bring any resolution.  I find it interesting that it is Bull, with his more simplistic, naive, child-like mental capacity, that reignites the conversation about death and loss and is unable to distract himself from the heartbreak.  Then, that naivete is what awakens the others to examine and feel their own feelings surrounding Selma's passing.  

After Bull rampages around the courthouse a bit more ending up once again on the rooftop ala Godzilla-style, he is eventually subdued (by Christine fainting) and returns to Harry's chambers, where he and Harry have a deep heart to heart.  Bull inquires of Harry of how to move on when the loss still feels so agonizing, why is there life to live when death is inevitable? 

Harry is silent for a moment before saying: 

"I don't know why we live, 

I don't know why we die, 

but I do know that as long as were here,

we got hold on to each other real tight."**

As Bull takes this in, he is overwhelmed and falls into Harry with a huge squeeze, taken Harry aback before he returns the hug.  As a little girl watching this in my parents' basement, no doubt a rerun on an ABC affiliate that never got the best of reception all grainy and almost black and white, it is most likely that I did not understand the fullness of this statement, however, subconsciously it probably sunk its way into my innermost being.  For I most assuredly have had my fair share of heartbreak, from beloved friends, family members, and pets passing on, to intimate partner violence, church abuse, and many other forms in between, so the lesson of Harry's words have helped comfort and encourage as I have developed the understanding that as in nature, our lives reflect seasons' and different souls people those times for certain purposes for all included, then as the season unravels itself, we depart in some fashion.  Thus, Harry's words have rung true all my life through and I seek to hold on tightly, physically and metaphorically, while our time together is consistent. 

That's What Friends Are For

Oh and then for the times when we're apart

Well, then close your eyes and know

The words are coming from my heart

And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining

Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for

In good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

**In a previous blog, I wrote how this line broke me, having such a deep admiration and need for Harry in my youth and forever, suddenly aware of the great loss his absence in life has brought.  Read more about that here: Wisdom From Night Court

***I deeply apologize to any of my feminist readers and especially My Markie Post fangirl friends, I mean, no respect.  I loved her too, but this was my impression.  So sue me.

****Florence Halop was hired to replace Selma Diamond as she resembled Selma's character in many ways.  Later on, after Flo passed, Marsha Warfield was hired.  With Flo, especially, I now pause to reflect what it may feel like to be hired to "replace" someone, as if anyone truly can be replaced as well as can another fully be anything but themselves and not the one they replaced.