I did it! (Not God.) #exfundie #religoustrauma

DJ KHALED - I DID IT (Lyrics) ft. Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion, Lil Baby & DaBaby

Stayed down 'til I came up
I did it, I did it, I did it
Ten toes and never changed up
I did it, I did it, I did it
Got my hands in the air right now 'cause I always wanna be here right now
I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it (Ayy), I did it, I did it, I did it

First of all, I hold no ill-will towards anyone from which I knew while a practicing Christian, nor do I have anything against anyone having a religious belief of such.  If a belief in the unseen can enhance yourself, your life, and interactions for the better than there is no fault found.  My spiritual journey throughout my life has been varied, from a seeker in my younger years, to the wild fundie years, and finally to a place of serene acceptance that my path is truly my own, a belief in the unknown yet an appreciation for what is known, a true, lasting connection to both, with no need to outwardly prosyeltize or force others to conform.   That said, this entry focuses the toxic element of religious teachings attempts to control and manipulate scriptures to break one's will.  

As a fundie Christian, specifically in Calvary Chapel, I was taught that there was no good in me apart from Jesus Christ, who came to save me, cleanse me white as snow with his blood shed upon the cross.  Furthermore, that all that I ever did that was positive was of the work of God within me.  Anything I did on my own, out of sinful indulgences of which were varied such as the gluttony craving of over or under eating indulgence, an angry thought, to the sexual sin of premarital union, were not sanctified by God.  After such involvement, I needed to then confess to Jesus, get right with the Lord, in order to once again be on fire and filled with the spirit to do good works, led by, orchestrated, and fulfilled by God.  Furthermore, to God alone be the glory, any fulfillment or gratitude towards me was to be humbly reflected back on to me.  Added to such, weekly I was told that the world had a vitriolic hatred for Jesus himself, Jesus in me, thus regularly I digested the world's hatred of me, for no specific cause or action.

Thus, entering Christian religion with an already shaky sense of self worth, I was an easy target. With a smiling warm welcome they proclaim there is no condemnation or legalism, yet indeed there is but couched in the manipulation of wording and conditional love.  Leaving the church, I was more a shell of a soul since entering, with little to no regard for anything that I could do or achieve in the world.  Even after leaving and slowly attempting to make my way through the world, I still tried to maintain  a connection to a higher power through the main organized religion of the USA, hoping to look past the toxic to find the good once more.  In marriage and without, I struggled always on the brink of poverty and felt an almost inward duty to maintain that suffering with gratitude for what Jesus will work through me.  Anything I  did to survive in this early shaky years of deconstruction, from finding financial assistance to food assistance, was done with the reasoning that God provided, no effort of my own was inwardly celebrated.

A few years later, separated, then divorced from my abusive husband, deconstruction fully in process, I still felt unworthy of successful thriving and such was trapped in the continuous struggle of survival and poverty mindset.  My life was in a constant state of imbalance and lack mindset.  With every project I completed in financial lack and without a budget of any sort, I never stopped to praise myself and fully receive such without a caveat.  Never did I take the time to rest and fully appreciate what had been done.  Until now.

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Frank Sinatra, My Way, With Lyrics

In 2019, I experienced what was the beginning of the cleanse.  At my most extreme suffering of lack while clinging to a one day vision of prosperity, those relations in my life that I once viewed with a sense of duty and with hopes of good, one by one began to exit out of my life.  Whether from a wellspring of strength within myself yet unknown I placed a boundary or from choices of their own, I found myself suddenly without what I once felt was lasting.  Upon entering the great Covid lockdown of 2020, I found the opportunity to be still, at last, time to process, to heal, to reset.  Actively, I made the decision to continue working and reach my financial goals despite the difficulties of the world shutting down.  Through this as well the daily determination to heal, I began to realize with pride all that I had accomplished in years previous instilling in me a new desire of continuance.  Slowly, I began to discover the beauty of creating art for art's sake, for the healing of the soul, and thus the pathway of truly thriving was open to me.  Through the steadfast work and focus, I began to climb out of poverty to lower middle class, worked to reduce my debt, raise my credit score, and continuously reach my short and long term intentions.  Furthermore, without the toxic element of a not healthy relation, I was made aware of the positive forces of love about me, a steadfast loyalty of a long-held friend to those only newly arrived, I could finally recognize authentic love for me.  Their love coming from without helped me find the belief that I was worthy of love from others and, most importantly, from myself.  

Today, I no longer view myself through the lens of lack, the Christian context of an evil heart I relinquish, and now fully I recognize my worth, my ability to achieve, accomplish, and make happen step by step.  Not God, but myself realized.  

I did it! Not God. 

Yo! Adrian I Did It!

 

Cycles Of Life

The Cycles Of Life

I have often said that my life is built on lists, the daily 'need to get' done in order to crush my goals and achieve my dreams.  I frequently remind myself that I truly do not "need to get" everything done in order to have a productive day.  It is in the little goals we set and accomplish that move us steadily forward.  

This year I have added to my daily chore lists monthly vision intention boards.  In previous years, I would only do at the start of the year.  However, doing it at the beginning of each month has helped fine-tune the process of reaching my goals towards forward movement to the brighter future for myself, my little kitty daughter, Tansy, and, in a grander scheme, the world.  

What I have noticed from these monthly vision intention boards is that obtaining our goals and reaching completion is set on cycles, not just that of the normal life cycles we all experience.  These boards have helped me stay the focus during the uncertainty that befell with the arrival of Covid-19.  I realized that the ability in reaching our goals is not arrived at based on the external reality but of an internal understanding.  

Throughout this year, because of this, I have already reached many a goal and foresee many others becoming a reality and reaching completion.  However, I do not force the goal to be reached, unforeseen events will arise that may seem to knock me off course, yet when the intention is set, obstacles become learning lessons and stepping stones to help arrive.  Once I have arrived at the completion of such goal I have been striving for, I realize the next goal becomes the focus, in a sense a cycle of life.  In each cycles, the lessons to be learned and confidence of my soul strengthened, to trust in the process and the right timing.  It is shaping the belief that although the pathway may seem to veer off course from the desired outcome, the truth is that I am being guided and shown what growth is needed to achieve my dreams.

So, yes, I recommend intention vision boards, if only for that the act of creating such bringsmabout a healing and stress relief that only is brought about by creating art for the sake of art, not for the showing off to others! And, right now more than ever, we all could use that stress relief!  In addition, in the times where I take the time to create, vision boards, cards for friends, journaling, free-style painting, are the times when I discover the creativity to enliven my business and personal life.  

Find your own way of reaching your goals, you know best the ways that work for you.  The most important take away in this blog is to trust and rest in the process, that all things come about in their right timing.  Do what you need to do EACH DAY to take care of yourself and enjoy life to your fullest.  

As a dear friend quotes, "Have fun with life, because you aren't having fun, you are doing it wrong!"

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

Turn!Turn!Turn!

Find what you read interesting? Comment below.  I do my utmost best to respond.

The Thriving Artist blog is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of creating productions that inspire, heal, and change the world. Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

The Curious Incident of Opening A Show

Tonight I open a show at Barnstormers' Theatre entitled "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Night-Time".  I'm super excited about this production and it marks my first time crossing the boards in a very long time.  Last night we had our preview night and it felt amazing to be once again in front of a live audience.  I felt a sense of communion, cast and crew working together, silently communicating, to bring forth this story touching the audience with said members receiving and giving the energy back to us the performers at once.

Its a beautiful thing, this communal magic that happens once you rehearse and birth a creative endeavor, nothing compares to that of live theatre.  I imagine for a comic doing stand-up there is a similarity, that being an immediate connective relationship to the audience, or a singer in a band as well. 

In recent years, doing more film related work, I have developed more of the instant acting technique.  I do my due diligence of background work and all of that, but there is less of a focus on that in the actual performance.  I'm committed more to the moment now.  The story I have created in my mind lives within my gut and I consciously forget about it as it resides there, while performing.  I strive to stay in the moment, connecting with the other actors in the scene, feel the energy coursing through me reaching outwards from my finger tips, vibrating throughout my body, onwards to the rest of the cast, the audience, the greater beyond.

I act and create stories now for that reason alone, whether it be film or theatre, or any form of acting creativity.  I risk everything in life, sacrifice the comforts of the safe life in pursuit of my dream, to chase after my dream of achieving that artistic communal sense.  It is all I desire and the force that strengthens me, that fuels me to get up each morning and to continue the hustle towards achieving the impossible dream.

To Dream The Impossible Dream

Some may call me crazy or try to discourage me, but as I'm discovering in "Make Your Mark" by Coyte G. Cooper, PH.D, all those that achieved success and made a real difference in this world for the impact of good were told or allowed to believe that they could not.  They were those that risked everything, gave up the normal arenas of life, security, broke forth from this comfortable life to allow their life purpose to become reality.

It is this reason that I continuously strive for my impossible dream, not merely for success or to see my name in lights, to feed my fragile ego, but for that desire to reach and to know the world, to learn and to see how truly beautiful the people are that populate this planet, and to share and bring their stories, their truths to live, and in the end to bring a little bit more light and healing to the world.

That is why we artists suffer and then seek to thrive, for the glory of artistic communion.

The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Night-Time opens tonight at Barnstormers' Theatre and runs through November 4th.  Evening shows start at 7:30 pm and matinees at 2:30.  The show is masterfully directed by Madeline DeCourcey.  Young actor, Julius Pratt gives a stellar performance as Christopher Boone, an autistic who undergoes a transforming journey to find himself and learn his value in the world. 

https://www.facebook.com/events/288335895113957/