"Owe You Nothing"

Over the past year, I have watched as the army of social media connectivity rears its ugly head, with the effect of the life changes of John Mulaney as well as the dissappearance and death of Gabby Petito & Brian Laundrie. It has become an all too painful reality that life happens on the screen, as if it isn't truly real if it isn't shared on the plethora of social media platforms. This goes for the positives as well as negatives of life. Those in the spotlight, celebrity by choice or by circumstance, are not immune to this just as much as those of us living outside of the radar.

I watched in exceptional horror as many shrieked whether over the inter-web waves through youtube vlogs or twitter posts or on the street in front of the Laundrie house, making up stories of the reasoning for the Laundrie family's silence. We do not know truly what the reason was for the silence, but I can only say that they, nor anyone for that matter, owes us anything. They, like John Mulaney, do not need to share anything, highs or lows. The fact that John Mulaney did such on Seth Meyers' shows his quality of character and is no need for us. The fact that Gabby's family was more vocal online is their choice and theirs alone. We do not need to applaud one family for sharing and another for not, we don't know the nuance of the lives, what is happening behind the scenes, all the rest is our surmise, our stories within our head.

For living outside of ourselves, scrolling over and over through social media is a means of distraction from ourselves, especially within the last several years we have had the need to distract from what is happening externally in our country, but mostly, during the quarantine of nowhere to run, we have greatly increased that need.

In 2019, I had my own discovery of just how damaging living within the confines of social media could be and through this I discovered I was owing nothing to anyone, unless it was my choice. I choose very specifically what I share on social media & do so what is authentic and raw within myself. But, before all that is shared, I do my best to sit with myself and glean what is needed for my own healing first.

In 2019, I was forced to face myself, my whole being, that I was trying to hide from the world, from myself, in an attempts to not rock the boat, hurt others, but mostly myself, in the failed attempt to hold some sort of false security without. Someone came back into my life who I never thought would return and whose return made me realize just how much I missed and needed him. He awakened in me the desire to live authentically, which in turn was a shaking upset of all the rest of my life, both externally and internally.

During this exciting time of "new relationship energy", I lived within that magical realm without being conscious of how my actions hurt others. Those who had long since been fair weather friends as well as holding inward spite proved themselves to be the false friend they truly were, others stood by my side as I struggled through and persevered, knowing that at my core I meant well & that life & relationship are full of nuance, not black & white. The real pain that hit me home was the agony I put my beloved, loyal nesting partner through and because of that, while he chose to share his pain publicly, I sat within and tried to listen. But, mostly I had to go within and reveal outward through the process of healing who I have always been.

During 2020 and beyond, I did such, focusing on my trauma past through private therapy, diving deep into books on codependency, relationship addiction, and polyamory. From that, I discovered that I am one who suffers with and has dealt with relationship addictions due to past trauma history, an empath who is prone to be abused by energy vampires, and am, in fact, polyamorous. Being poly gives me no license to live in a way that is hurtful and unethical. I did so in that early throes of NRE in 2019, that caused the nervous breakdown of my beloved. Now, I have made the active choice to help heal the wounds I caused, rekindle our relationship, as well as maintain the one with the old flame. A lot of deep conversations are had, not on social media or any such, wherein we listen and hold each other. Now, as I actively work to hold space for myself, to see, value, and love myself, I am able to actively choose healthy relationships, to see, value, and love with both my partners through quality time, to see, value, and love dear friends that deserve so as I am deserving of theirs.

That is all I need to share. Thank you to all you who truly love and are still by my side, as well as those who have left, they have taught me a valuable lesson. I am more at peace with myself than ever before and need not outward validation, social media or otherwise, to discover my self worth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=WBugBEWVnpA

I'm comin' home, baby now

(Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

I'm comin' home now, right away (Do-do-do)

I'm comin' home, baby now (Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do)

I'm sorry now I ever went away (Do-do-do-do)