Who I Was, Who I Am
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
When I set out for this photo shoot earlier today, two black cro-ravens flew overhead, a symbol my ex-husband and I referred to ourselves as, 'a pair of ravens'. It was ten years ago today that I walked down the aisle hoping for my fairy tale dream of wedded bliss only to have realized a nightmare beyond my comprehension. As I ponder my life these last ten years, I realize the woman I have become would not be had it not been for each moment, even the moments of suffering, extreme despair, and, at times, fear for my very own safety.
So much has indeed changed for me, within and without. The wedding dress which so easily fit ten years previous did not fit around the hip and waist area. (Hence the need for the corset!) Oh, how time increases the gravity of our bodies!
But other more profound changes have become a reality deeper than that of the physical, ever changing as it is. I look back and recall the girl I was on this day 2011, a fraction of a girl forced by many to remain infantile, in order to be under their sway and control. Internally I was shaky, always looking beyond myself, seeking comfort and stability from external validation, never attaining and never comfortable within my own skin.
How different the ten year span of time in me! Increasingly, I find myself more assured of my own worth without the fear of seemingly selfish. As I push through the pain of removing that which holds the element of toxic, as if through birth pains pushing ever outward and away, I make room more and more for that of healthy, positive love within and without.
As my favorite high school teacher, Fernando Nugent, so dutifully preached in me, "No Guy Is Worth It", I concur but add to that with finality, "I am worth it."
Ever increasing in strength, empowered by love of self and from others, I discover true joy and happiness, at peace at last, fulfilled in my ultimate and truest self, my potential.
So, on this day marks an ending, love spoiled by the abuse of another, his loss at last realized and my gain for the freedom I have acquired in every sense. And, in that, a new beginning, as I truly spring into action, taking hold of my life's reins in my own power, fully alive, fully empowered.
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar
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