That Night Court Podcast: Everybody Wins With Bull (FanGirlHour)
Back in the early 2000s, when the Matrix trilogy was first being launched, I was steeped into the beginnings of my Fundie life. Overwhelmed by the teachings of Jesus as the Savior as well the incessant hammering of eschatology by Calvary Chapel as proof that we were 'living in the end times', I saw Biblical symbiology in every place and circumstance. Upon reflection now, I realize this has more to do with the recurrent themes of story-telling active throughout history, which include that of a 'savior' and the classic 'hero' story, both apparent within the Matrix films. Thus, Neo was the Christ-like figure whose life purpose was to awaken others unto salvation yet simultaneously he was all of us on our own 'hero' journey. As I watched with this mindset rambling around in my mind, I became overly empowered and exhilarated as I left the theatre, to fight against the Matrix of destruction and sin as taught and beginning to be believed to me.
As a fundie Christian, specifically in Calvary Chapel, I was taught that there was no good in me apart from Jesus Christ, who came to save me, cleanse me white as snow with his blood shed upon the cross. Furthermore, that all that I ever did that was positive was of the work of God within me. Anything I did on my own, out of sinful indulgences of which were varied such as the gluttony craving of over or under eating indulgence, an angry thought, to the sexual sin of premarital union, were not sanctified by God. After such involvement, I needed to then confess to Jesus, get right with the Lord, in order to once again be on fire and filled with the spirit to do good works, led by, orchestrated, and fulfilled by God. Furthermore, to God alone be the glory, any fulfillment or gratitude towards me was to be humbly reflected back on to me. Added to such, weekly I was told that the world had a vitriolic hatred for Jesus himself, Jesus in me, thus regularly I digested the world's hatred of me, for no specific cause or action.
Thus, entering Christian religion with an already shaky sense of self worth, I was an easy target. With a smiling warm welcome they proclaim there is no condemnation or legalism, yet indeed there is but couched in the manipulation of wording and conditional love. Leaving the church, I was more a shell of a soul since entering, with little to no regard for anything that I could do or achieve in the world. Even after leaving and slowly attempting to make my way through the world, I still tried to maintain a connection to a higher power through the main organized religion of the USA, hoping to look past the toxic to find the good once more. In marriage and without, I struggled always on the brink of poverty and felt an almost inward duty to maintain that suffering with gratitude for what Jesus will work through me. Anything I did to survive in this early shaky years of deconstruction, from finding financial assistance to food assistance, was done with the reasoning that God provided, no effort of my own was inwardly celebrated.
A few years later, separated, then divorced from my abusive husband, deconstruction fully in process, I still felt unworthy of successful thriving and such was trapped in the continuous struggle of survival and poverty mindset. My life was in a constant state of imbalance and lack mindset. With every project I completed in financial lack and without a budget of any sort, I never stopped to praise myself and fully receive such without a caveat. Never did I take the time to rest and fully appreciate what had been done. Until now.
Frank Sinatra, My Way, With Lyrics
In 2019, I experienced what was the beginning of the cleanse. At my most extreme suffering of lack while clinging to a one day vision of prosperity, those relations in my life that I once viewed with a sense of duty and with hopes of good, one by one began to exit out of my life. Whether from a wellspring of strength within myself yet unknown I placed a boundary or from choices of their own, I found myself suddenly without what I once felt was lasting. Upon entering the great Covid lockdown of 2020, I found the opportunity to be still, at last, time to process, to heal, to reset. Actively, I made the decision to continue working and reach my financial goals despite the difficulties of the world shutting down. Through this as well the daily determination to heal, I began to realize with pride all that I had accomplished in years previous instilling in me a new desire of continuance. Slowly, I began to discover the beauty of creating art for art's sake, for the healing of the soul, and thus the pathway of truly thriving was open to me. Through the steadfast work and focus, I began to climb out of poverty to lower middle class, worked to reduce my debt, raise my credit score, and continuously reach my short and long term intentions. Furthermore, without the toxic element of a not healthy relation, I was made aware of the positive forces of love about me, a steadfast loyalty of a long-held friend to those only newly arrived, I could finally recognize authentic love for me. Their love coming from without helped me find the belief that I was worthy of love from others and, most importantly, from myself.
Today, I no longer view myself through the lens of lack, the Christian context of an evil heart I relinquish, and now fully I recognize my worth, my ability to achieve, accomplish, and make happen step by step. Not God, but myself realized.
I did it! Not God.
