In Spirit and In Truth

Dinner time approaches and I haven't even practiced my singing for my audition next Tuesday, not enough hours in the day.  Every time I look for work, the door seems to get slammed shut, for no apparent reason.  Or, its just more of the waiting game.  The waiting game.  Don't you just love the waiting game?  Whatever your spiritual belief or in fact if you have none, you still hate the waiting game.  Its like waiting room, where you keep waiting for your name or  number to be called, so you can just get the hell out of there and get on with your life, because of course your mind races with all the other things you have to do that day.  Well, that reminds me of something that Bill and I have been reading in our daily devotionals: Be still! and KNOW--I AM--GOD.  Notice, the emphasis on the word "still", and how often do we complain, bipolar or no, how unstill our minds are.

Whatever the emphasis of spirituality, all those in leadership say that there should be some emphasis on stillness, prayer, readying your heart to hear from God.  And that God is not this grand explosion we should all be looking up for, but that something that starts calling us from the inside, tugging at our in most heartstrings.  Is he tugging at yours?  He's tugging at mine.  It reminds me of a scripture I read this morning:

"But the hour is now coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and in Truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."

Throughout this day, I have dealt with enough tension to drive even my 6 month old kitten away from my presence, and yes, the attivan helps get through the day, but it wasn't until I quieted myself with a good book and a glass of Cranberry juice.  (All natural, no sugar, organic, can we say, Cranberry cleanse?)  I picked up The Feminine Face Of God and was taken to their chapter on tools for the sacred garden.  This book inspired me when it said:

"Just as any plot of soil with seeds and sun and water can become a garden if there is a gardener, so can our lives come to spiritual maturity if we are willing to cultivitate them.  To cultivate, in its root form, means to inhabit, to dwell within.  Learning how to live the dailiness of our own lives while opening continually to the sacred seems to take practice--practice in opening, practice in listening, practice in waiting.  Practice also in obeying our inner direction,in speaking out when we are moved to do so, and in accepting responsibility and authority when we are called upon to be bold.  And practice also means celebrating and expressing gratitude and "making a joyful song unto the Lord".  When we enter such practices wholeheartedly, we bring to life another root meaning of cultivate: worship."


One thing that surprised me, well actually, it didn't.  See, my time in the Calvary Chapel world was spent mainly on my knees, not in sexual posing, but in prayerful repentence for that act.  I think many of my friends of that age were doing the same thing, just not admitting it.  And, yet, we pretend to be super spiritual and not talk about our indiscretions in anyway, that might damage our image of perfect sainthood.  So, we don't talk about what is really going on, which for the most part is, sex.  We don't talk about what is really going on in our heads, which for the most part is, sex.

This book writes: "I think the big, awful secret of the church and the synagogue today is that many of the religious don't know how to pray.  Sexuality is a minor issue next to this.  And, indeed, we seem to be much more comfortable talking about our sex lives than we are sharing information with each other about how we pray.  Perhaps this is because praying may be the most personal and intimate thing we do.  To pray is to be vulnerable.  And in deep, personal prayer we come to know our vulnerabilities in a way that strips us of all our defenses and pretenses.  That which is our very essence calls us into communion with mystery, and this joining is a supremely intimate experience."


So, the church should be more open about their sex life.  Most of you readers know that I had illicit affairs before marriage and because of the church held great shame in my heart because of that.  Well, this all changed when I met my husband, who I did have sex with before marriage...but with him, it was truly like saying a prayer.  There were some times when we were making love where we were united with God and could feel his presence with us.

But, to be clear, sex doesn't mean love and I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, also I had to wait eight years for that prince to come back to me.  But, girls, please don't think that because I say that prayer is like sex to go off and have sex with anyone and everyone.  That isn't the point, and I can assure you, will only end in pain.

But, what I want you to understand is this, I wish I had waited, not with my husband, but with the guys that came before him.  Because, and here we go back to the waiting room, I sat in that room and didn't look around for one guy for threee years.  I chose celibacy in order to get healthy and be whole.  I chose to focus, to pray, to meditate, and to listen for the Lord to bring the one into my life.  (And I can go back to the days before, when I swore the Lord gave me a promise that this one was the one I would marry).  But, still I had to wait, in that waiting room, with the old magazines with the perfumed ripped out of them and the crying babies, well, I learned to always take a book.  And I read, and read, and read.  And I learned a little something about myself, and about God, and about Jesus, and about others, and I also learned that I have way more to learn.

"And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise."

And in the waiting, I learned that the waiting is sometimes the best place for us, the most growing place.  Its the place that prepared me to be a wife because even with the trials I went through this last week, the attacks, and the tension, I know who my God is and I know that when trials come, as they do, you get on your knees and you pray, and when you do, God hears.  Well, God heard my prayers this week, and lots of doors got open with my mind, heart, and emotions, but also with our finances.  A job hasn't dropped into my hands yet but we will pray about that too.  And it'll come.  Good things come to those who wait.

And when I get downcast, weary, or depressed, I can turn to Hebrews and hear God tug at my heart, saying:

"We who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the anchor of our soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain."

So, dear friends, remember I am praying for you, drop me a line if you need a prayer...oh, and remember when you pray, remember to listen.