Wednesday, May 8, 2024

How Many Times Do We Have To Say Be Nice? #nohate

 

How Many Times Do We Have To Say Be Nice?

Jacqueline Pollock, CNA, A.CE, B.CL.


Well dear readers, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written something or have been on a

podcast associated with this particular blog; so I thought we’d do come catching up. I was

terminated from my CNA employment back in March of 2023 and in June 2023 I took a job in

Social Services. I was literally unemployed for exactly three months between my leaving my last

CNA position AND then starting the new position in Social Services.


Although I don’t really want to do something about my own life, just thought you’d be

interested in what’s been going on lately. Anyhow, lately I see a lot of hate and bigotry coming

to be accepted more and more in our society. Several States: Oregon, Washington State,

California, ILLINOIS (where I live), and others have great laws that protect people whose Sexual

Orientation and/or Gender Identity are different while others: Florida, Texas, INDIANA (where I

went to college, briefly), GEORGIA (where I was born and raised), Idaho, and more are more

concerned about what genitals one was born with because “Oh you were born that so you are

that” instead of caring about the person. Fear, hate, ignorance, all of the unknown dear readers

are the cause.


Speaking of that in reality our problem is as it always has been, fear of the unknown.

There is also the problem of what my partner calls “Anti-Christian Christians.” Another problem

is ignorance and choosing to remain ignorant. I recall two television actors who were completely

opposite of their most well-known portrayals: Carroll O’Connor (known best as Archie Bunker on

All in the Family) and Larry Hagman (known best as “the man you love to hate, J.R. Ewing”

from Dallas). In real life both men were very liberal and very opposite of these characters,

however, it is to be said that both men portrayed another character on a different show either

before or after there best known characters in Carroll O’Connor’s case it was Police Chief

Willam “Bill” Gillespie from In the Heat of the Night-television series (there’s also a movie from

the 1960’s by the same name) and Larry Hagman’s other well-known portrayal is of United

States Air Force Captain, later Major, Anthony Nelson on the series I Dream of Jeannie. I

mention this because Major Nelson was a military man and rather, while not clueless, always

trying to explain Jeannie’s antics, when he couldn’t reveal Jeannie to others, other than his good

friend United States Army Captain, later Major, Roger Healey. (Note: neither “Jeanie” reunion

movie had Larry Hagman in the role of Anthony Nelson; in the first reunion movie “I Dream of

Jeannie Fifteen Years Later Wayne Rogers, yes as in the actor who played Trapper John from

the television series M*A*S*H* portrayed retiring Colonel Anthony Nelson, and in 1991 Ken

Kercheval, best known as Dallas’ Cliff Barnes portrayed Jeannie’s “master”; I obtained that

information from the Wikipedia article on I Dream of Jeannie).


Right about now you might be asking what my point is. It is simply this: we need to quit

fearing the unknown and start educating ourselves. Now Lord knows I want nothing to do

with reptiles and this, dear readers, is not because I’m ignorant on the subject, on the contrary, I

am educated enough to know that crocodiles and alligators are basically LIVING dinosaurs as

most reptiles are. I’m also smart enough to know that most reptiles are more afraid of me as a

human than I am of them, however, I’m also educated enough to know how DANGEROUS they

are. One of the things my father used to tell me about his service with the United States Army

during the Vietnam War (where he served in-country in Vietnam from 5 July 1969 to 4 July

1970) is that there is (still to this day to my understanding) this particular kind of snake they

have over in Asia nicknamed a “Two Stepper” (really named the many-banded krait, and

scientifically named Bungarus multicinctus). Daddy used to tell me that if this particular snake bit

someone “you (the person bit) turned east took two steps home and fell over dead and that was

the closest you were gettin’ home alive.” In researching for this column I ran across information

that stated “American troops also dubbed the yellow-bellied bamboo pit viper the ‘two stepper’

because of its lethal venom, which can kill you in two steps.” (Note: I had to Google the actual

name of the “two stepper” and that above information was from something called generative AI;

now I’ve found something that even I need to learn more about). So my fear of reptiles is no

irrational nor is it a fear of the unknown, my fear of reptiles comes from SCIENTIFIC AND

SCHOLARLY studies, articles, and other academic content (with the exception of that above

mentioned quote that came from “generative AI.”) I’ve often been accused of being an idiot, I’ve

been accused of being prejudiced, however, um no, I’m not either yet as I’ve often said to my

friends “Reptiles aren’t pets those things belong in the wild.” I have a friend that always says “X

cat or dog ain’t no dope” and neither am I.


Dear readers, I encourage educating a person’s self on different subjects. I don’t care

what your IQ (Intelligence Quotient) regardless of the subject, and if you happen to have

someone you personally know that says “I’m too old to learn X” and I say “No, Sir/No ma’am

you’re NEVER too old to learn, never, it’s only too late to learn when you’re dead!” I then

sometimes think to myself something an elderly friend of mine told me “You CAN teach an old

dog new tricks it just takes more time.” So regardless of how old you are, how old you feel, how

old you are, whatever, you can learn and it’s time to embrace education and not ignorance.

After all, in their song Hurting Each Other The Carpenters said it best “We can’t go on hurting

each other.” So dear readers I encourage you to embrace diversity; love your neighbor as

yourself; and show compassion to all.


K. Jacqueline Pollock, former Seattle resident, forever a Seattleite at heart, currently lives in Macomb, Illinois, continues to work with Community Radio Station WTND-LP 106.3 FM Macomb, Illinois (a 501c3 Non-Profit, all monetary donations tax deductible), as well as a CNA, and now also serves as Treasurer of the Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd in Macomb, Illinois, where ALL are welcome regardless of any status.

Jacqueline/Jacqui/Jackie
Whatever You Call Me:
 Always remember that what Kathie Lee Gifford once said of herself is true about me too:  
"It's no secret that I love to talk, but the real secret is I love to listen, too."  Kathie Lee Gifford

Saturday, May 4, 2024

Sex.

 



All right, I got your attention with the title, so let me explain why it's not for me, at least, not right now. 


I came of age in a world where AIDS was the BIG illness, not Covid19, condoms were the mask to protect, abstinence was preached in my public school health classes, as a viable option in deterring any STDs or pregnancy mishaps.  The basics of how to prevent such alongside a brief description of adolescent changes were all that were given, while Hollywood and Disney spoon fed the illusion of the perfect romantic union.  Sex was then something to be both feared yet a very real necessity for romantic relationship.  As I watched Dylan woo Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210, then later Donna give it up to David in a romantic rose petal strewn bedroom complete with the safe sex moment, I longed for, imagined almost to the detail, my own perfect moment. 

What I got, time and time again, was, although at times beautifully fulfilling and special, was also, at other times, sorely lacking and besought with devastation.  


Okay, don't get me wrong, I am not gonna launch into an article on why the purity culture is pretty darn amazing and we all should become born-again fundie virgins...no, that time of my life is way far behind me and as much as I can say that the idealism of longed-for romantic sex unrequited broke me, the toxicity of purity culture helped not either.  Actually, becoming a fundie born-again virgin, rather abstaining from sex, was the only part of that mindset that was acceptable by me, a demi-grey-sexual, who doesn't require or desire sex on the regular anyway.  The devastating part of purity culture, rather, was the overly emphasis on the female need to cover in modesty her body in order to assist the male's need not to stumble, the male who could not resist his natural urges, thus it was the female's fault for his stumbling, purity culture equal rape culture!


Thus, during my time as a fundie-Christian and the years of deconstruction, I suffered with extreme body dysmorphia, hatred, and shame for any part of my physical that represented sexuality or seemed alluring.  Moreover,  carrying into my chosen path of fundie christianity days was the shame of not truly 'waiting', of giving it up before I 'said the sinner's prayer'.  Despite the pulpit's championing that being a 'born-again virgin' was good enough, it never truly was, I remained always 'damaged goods', more shame poured upon by an already controlling organization.  ("Get outta my uterus!" my current self screams to them on behalf of my younger self.)

Alongside this, there are the years previous to fundamentalist, then the years after, relationships that turned sexual, in one way or another, that left me lacking, to say the least.  The physical exoticness' of the event overall was enjoyable but the act itself at times left me empty, causing more of an increase of my love addiction brain to further desire the intimacy, the closeness, yet never to be received fully.  Sex, in all its dimensions, seems only transactional, two bodies, at least for me, coming together for the sole purpose of the physical, leaving me feeling addled.  

Furthermore, in an allosexual world, I have felt increasingly lonely in my lack of sexual desire, not feeling understood until finally finding my place upon the asexual spectrum.  Demi-Sapio-Sexual, baby, and proud!  But, this loneliness also extends to the emotional intimacy and romantic intention lacking in past sexual experiences, (not all, mind you, current or former partners who may be reading this), that which wounded either due to not fulfilling my dream being modeled to me on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210" and the like, or even the male partner's intention to just get down to brass tacks, with no sensuality whatsoever.  

Thus, all of this included with my first year of recovery from love addiction, leads me to the open decision to currently abstain for a season, not forever, such that I focus on the establishment of true, healthy intimacy with a romantic partner in the daily life as well as special events, while fully healing, becoming to understand and express my core values, my needs as well as red flags in a relationship of any sort, and laying down the boundary of self-respect overall.

I don't want to play this game no more 
I don't wanna play it 
I don't want to stay 'round here no more
 I don't wanna stay here Like rain on a Monday morning 
Like pain that just keeps on going on 
Look at all the hate they keep on showing 
I don't want to see that 
Look at all the stones they keep on throwing
 I don't want to feel that Like Sun that will keep on burning
 I used to be so discerning, 
oh In my recovery 
I’m a soldier at war 
I have broken down walls 
I defined
 I designed
 My recovery








Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 99: Every Age I Am #relivemychildhood ...


A nice short episode where I read a prose reflecting upon my younger selves, which leads into the idea that within every year I reach, I hold all the past ages within me. I share my love of walking in the dirt, which we all should do more of & get 'off line' more! Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Thursday, April 18, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98: He Said He Loves Me...#jouraling #...


In this episode, I share a prose re-telling the heartbreaks of myself & several of my high school female friends, which bleeds over to a male counterpart's heartbreak, because he was better than one of my female friends after all. I share the difference between my feeling lonely in the previous episode to the connection I have in this one, making me realize I wasn't all that lonely. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Excerpt from the upcoming episode of Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98


Excerpt from the upcoming episode of Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98
Watch all episodes on youtube @cafegirlthrivers

Life Model 101: Agnes Sorel #agnessorel #agnessorelismyhero



Agnes Sorel was born in 1422 in Fromenteau, France. She was the daughter of a minor nobleman, but Agnes was destined for greatness. At the young age of 22, she found her way into the court of King Charles VII, becoming the first "official mistress" --Madame De Pompadour has her to thank-- She came to the royal court as she was an attendant to King Charles sister, the queen of Sicily, Isabel of Lorraine. It is said that Agnes studied the ways of the court in order to know the best way to behave and incorporate herself amongst the nobles and royalty. Her beauty captivated the King who threatened to leave his pregnant wife for Agnes. This role of first "official mistress" or "favourite" scandalized the country, as this had never been heard of or spoken of openly. He gave her wealth, castles, land, secured her a position meant for a queen, in turn she was able to give him wise council, helped persuade dignitaries to fund the war efforts, as well as four children. The freedom given to her by the king allowed Agnes to make bold choices with her style, from form-fitting busty dresses, and lots of diamond jewelry, which the King had previously had outlawed others to wear, only himself. Agnes defied that rule, causing an uproar and making him love her more. The most famous of Agnes Sorel style is captured in a painting by Jean Fouquet where Agnes is pictured as the virgin Mary showcasing her fashion choice of revealing one breast alongside a low cut form fitting dress. In addition to clothing, Agnes was a foodie, loved fine dining, and loved to cook. Her special taste has inspired many a chef, cook, and food enthusiast. Agnes Sorel's death at the age of 28, after the premature birth of her fourth child, was under shadowy circumstances. It was suspected that she was poisoned and in 2004, led by french historian, Philip Charlier, Agnes body was exhumed and studied, finding high amounts of mercury, commonly a cure for parasites which she had experienced, yet this was an unseemly amount, including in her hair. Thus, it was finally conceded that Agnes Sorel death was murder, most likely, guided by King Charles V11's son, Louis, jealous of her position and worried about his future, however, this is still conjecture. With the advancement of modern technology, Charlier and his team were able to reconstruct Agnes' face with the use of her skull, gaze upon her likeness. For more about Agnes Sorel, to learn about other life models in history, and to know what it is to be a Life Model, check out my course "Life Model 101" at cafegirlproductionsinc.com Filmed by Michael Meyer #agnèssorel #agnessorelismyhero

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 97: Save Yourself, Pink Power Ranger!


Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 97: Save Yourself, Pink Power Ranger!

In this episode, I dawn my pink power ranger episode, ala Kimberly, aka Amy Jo Johnson the best pink ranger ever, and share a prose showing my early struggles with asking for help, feeling okay with not being okay, and the need to be rescued.

Check out merch & websites they are supporting:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours):

18002738255

Text Home to: 741741

If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter.

Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Merchandise:

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band...

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-...

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy

Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Monday, April 1, 2024

Autonomy: I Can Have Nice Things #womensrights #reproductiverights


 Like many women, female presenting, trans-sisters, and male allies, I have watched over the last several years as women's' reproductive rights have been challenged and slowly, but surely, systematically stripped away.  As a woman still bleeding yet quickly heading toward "The M Bomb", I haven't yet grasped the fullness of what having these rights taken away means absolutely.  Added to that, I am a woman living in a purple-ish state, in a particular city that is very liberal, is known as the "hippie artsy-fartsy" city in the western hemisphere of the States United, thus these challenges to my rights as a member of a particular sex and gender have yet to be at risk.  


But, then as a person saddled with the weight of trauma who only recently have been able to label, whether it be family, religious, or intimate partner, the impact is of an intense overwhelm that extends itself into every area of my daily life and inner psyche.  With these memories of others' chronic abuse and overpowering, gasping as I swayed away as my husband threw an expensive wedding gift by my ear or a fist against the wall near my head, a religious leader's manipulation convincing my femininity was the fault of his failings, to name a mere few, lends itself to this inner core belief that I am unworthy, of such things as success, prosperity, wealth, even true happiness, of having nice things. Yes, the fundamentalist Christian teachings helped enhance the already broken self worth from years of abuse previous with their insistence that nothing within myself is good or can ever be good, in fact, I am truly unworthy of good.

It definitely leaves a mark.


Thus, this history of personal misogyny enforced and insisted equals that of the collective feminine.  The insistence of taking away the freedom to choose, to have power over one's body. emphasizes the deeper need of one gender to control, subdue, subjugate the other.  In fact, labeling the latter as 'weaker' collectively increases the likelihood of increasing the import of such dominance.  Yet, strength is not something that can be quantified equally based on physical, mental, emotional, all have different ways of showing strength regardless of sex or gender, based on one's own life experience and personal history.  In my view, the insistence of one sex to take away the bodily autonomy of another in the attempt to subjugate shows true lack of strength.  


Recently, I had a phone conversation with a dear female friend, a few years above me in wisdom, and we discussed her recent experiences coaching woman through tarot reading that were senior to her.  They were asking her for advice, guidance, which seemed strange to her, shouldn't they be imparting towards me?  With that, I realized how the fullness of impact of decades, nay centuries, long subjugated of the lack of choice, bodily autonomy has impacted the emotional, mental abilities generationally.  


It has only been as recent as the 70's, some 40 years-ish ago, that women have been granted bodily autonomy in some fashion.  The physical effects the emotional and the mental, for both sexes and all genders.  If one is told they have power over the other, they will feel empowered to embody that control in all arenas, at times abusive and other times indirectly.  Those that have been systemically informed they are less than, unable to impact society as a whole, a voice not deserving of reckoning or even being heard, affects the overall worthiness of standing up, speaking out, even self actualization and understanding.


For me, then, this societal and personal life-long impact was fully recognized when I visited a mid-wife with request for assistance with extreme menstrual pain, to the point of inability to function.  As I sat in the room, discussing openly the possible issues, such as possible STI, endometriosis, cancer, and treatment options, the light dawned on me the importance of speaking openly about one's health, without fear or shame, and thus receiving that care with safety for all involved, that of myself and the  midwives in service to me.  This revelation brought into light the depth of my lifelong belief of my unworthiness and helped me recognize that I truly am capable of success, prosperity, wealth, that true happiness is attainable and rightfully mine, that truly, truly "I can have nice things."
















Friday, March 29, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 96: You Can Cry


In this episode, I close out the prose on loneliness and sadness, musing on how crying is healing, feelings are not shameful, and are worthy of expressing. Then, The B@*@* is back--What the hell is wrong with Jake? Why is Michelle so jaded? Will we ever find out? Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Thursday, March 21, 2024

Life Model History: Julie Manet #artmodel #impressionism


Allow me to introduce to you, the darling 'daughter' of the impressionists, Julie Manet, born November 14th, 1868, to parents Eugene Manet, the younger brother of the acclaimed Edouard Manet, and to mother, Berthe Morisot. Both her parents were deceased by the time of her 16th birthday, first with her father, a few years later her mother. At her father's passing, she was taken under the tutelage of poet Stephane Mallarme, who when her mother passed, became her legal guardian. She was the favorite model of many impressionist artists, especially her doting mother, who portrayed much of her growing up, her Uncle Edouard Manet, and Pierre-Auguste Renoir. Her diary, Growing Up With The Impressionists, published in 1979, recounts her childhood life with her mother, then life afterwards as an orphan, living in a Parisian apartment with her cousins, traveling with Renoir, Degas, and others, sharing their lives together, their thoughts on current events at the time such as the Dreyfus Affair. Her diary continued with the preparations for her marriage to Ernest Rouart, painter and engraver, which was held in Passy, and was a double ceremony with her cousin, Jeannine Gobillard who married Paul Valery. Julie and Ernest would have a happy life together and together would have three children, Julien, Clement, and Denis, who inherited the works of Berthe Morisot.

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 95: Return To Reality #relivemychildho...


This episode leads me to sharing a prose revealing my lonely little heart, how I was struggling to cope then & yet see now that I had resources I never fully believed I deserved, knew I had. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 94: Once Or Always? #relivemychildhood


In this episode, I read a prose entry that sparks a discussion on missing my summer camp friends & the reasons in my life. I reflect on how I use the pronoun "we" to detract from actually stating the personal impact of my loneliness, then discuss how coming into my junior year of high school was stressful due to the occurrences of the end of my sophomore year. Then, I discuss the value of always with you friends & those once in a moment encounters. Hint: They both are important. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Life Model History: Kiki #aliceprin #queen #montparnasse


The Queen of Montparnasse or rather, Kiki de Montparnasse or simply Kiki, given to her from a lover's pet name, Alice Ernestine Prin, born October 2, 1901, died April 29, 1953, was a model, a chanteus or bar/lounge singer, an actress, a painter, a memoirist, and most notably a liberated woman who lived her life on her own terms. Alice's birth was shrouded in shame, born illegimately, she spent much of her childhood in poverty with her grandmother,who she dearly loved. At age 12, her mother sent for her to live with her in Paris, in order to work and provide more income for herself and her then live-in male partner. Alice began working as a linotypist, as well as other degrading, harsh jobs. Although her love of self-decorating and art, often ended her various employments. At just 14, she posed nude for the first time, of which when her mother found her, she was called a prostitute and kicked out. Destitute and homeless, Alice would find a way to earn a living solely through nude modeling. Although a favorite of many famous artists, her strongest connection was with her most intimate relationship with the visual artist, Man Ray, who photographed, filmed, and created art with her through numerous works available today. Her loving family of friends followed her coffin to her final resting place at Cimetière parisien de Thiais, where her tombstone simply read: "Kiki, 1901–1953, singer, actress, painter, Queen of Montparnasse".Having a lifelong struggle with alcohol and drug dependency, Kiki left this earth at the age of 51 on either March 23 or April 29, 1953. For more about Alice Prin, as well as other art models in history, and to learn what it means to be a life model, check out my course: "Life Model 101" at cafegirlproductionsinc.com