When I was Eponine, Part One: Life In A College Dorm

 

On My Own

I gotta admit, the above picture is hard for me to look at.  Why? It was taken during the time I lived in the college dorms at Southern Oregon University, specifically known as the Cascade Complex in Baker Hall, to be exact.  The photo doesn't pain me for where I was living, but the circumstances surrounding the moment it was taken.  I was hanging out with my best guy friends and my college boyfriend, who was very abusive to me, verbally speaking.  My college boyfriend, that is, not the guy friend, well one of them was and is extremely cool and still in my life to this day, the other proved to be of a similar calibre to the boyfriend, of which pains me to admit.  Thus, examining this time of my life seems a perfect fit for today's entry, for it was a big portion of time of which I existed as "Eponine" and her view of the world about her.

This week I spent some time at the old college dorm haunt.  (I call it a "haunt" not merely because it is, suspected to be, haunted, but in the romantic sense of the word: Haunt: noun,a place frequented by a specified person or group of people."I revisited my old haunts"). 

Why did I spend time there this last week? Well, I was working for the local branch of the nursing program, Oregon Health & Science University, of which is currently housed in my old stomping ground and former college abode, the "Cascade Complex".  

The Cascade Complex resembles little of its former glory, as it is continually prepped for its eventual demolishment, and so to, my heart is preparing for this reality by opening myself up to release a stage of my life from which I have left.  

As I walked through the halls, debilitated, stripped bare, empty with my footsteps echoing off the ceiling and down the passage, I am surrounded by the memories of who I was and I feel her with me as I sojourn. The reality of the place as it is today resembles the loneliness of her troubled heart, wrought with an everlasting depression, a shell of a girl, craving an existence of external validating source that would provide sustaining love and security, yet never truly discovered or acheived.  As I visit with her, remembering her joys and heartbreaks, all of who I was when I was her, all that I did, the friends made, our laughter and conversation presently soaked as a memory deep within the walls, I implore directly to her heart that all things will work out, not necessarily how she desires or plans it, but it will unfold in a beautiful and powerful way.  The pains she carries about with her, the depression weighing her down greatly, will be the source of her greatest power and strength.  She will overcome, becoming whole, healthy, increasingly on her journey towards wellness.  Because of the heartbreak and suffering, she will surrender to her truth. 

This reality, this overwhelming truth, is not within her grasp of contemplation, for she is still within her Eponine phase.  Yet as hard as it is to view her, with my need to rescue, I cannot, for the Eponine Phase is a vital process to find the ultimate true selves, innermost peace, and power within.  I cannot and must not seek to derail her journey, for I know that every single step and circumstance, however it may have wounded, led me to who I became and am today.  There was a very significant reason for each moment, celebratory or tumultuous.

So, I allow myself then to simply join her as she and I become one once again and finally.  I accept her as she is, for that is what she truly needed.  I walk with her, through the familiar hallways of the old haunt, singing the depth of emotion in her "Eponine" aching cries.  Throughout that journey, healing transpires.

Re-Visiting My Eponine

I would love to hear your thoughts about your "Eponine" phase or thoughts on this blog.  Comment below and I will respond.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions and find out more about us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Youtube.  Also, check out our website at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com

Celebrate 62! #michaelmeyer #roast #celebrate

A Building Is Born, Lives, & Dies. #cascadecomplex #southernoregonunive...

This week I spent time once again working in my old college dorm. This time around I realized the building's deep sadness in feeling left behind, the realization dawned at me that buildings are almost as alive as creatures that are living: Buildings are built, thus are born with so much potential, they live a life full of much activity, and then comes the end of that life...the heart break over the realization that my first Ashland home, one of my first adult homes, is reaching its end. I wanted to film this little video to show that it is not alone, that it will not be forgotten, and that it is gratefully loved & appreciated by many . Rest in peace & power, Cascade Complex. We love thee!!!

In Your Own Backyard: A Trip To Klamath Junction #klamathjunction #emigr...

And now, a message from Mr. E. #thedoctor #conspiracytheory

A Tussel With A Tardis #doctorwho #tardis #romana #scarf #westchristy

How We Thrive, Episode One #thrivingartist #liveyourthrive

Eponine Phase

 

On My Own

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

Last week, during the beginning phase of that crazy week long election storm, I sat down and created a YouTube video using songs from Les Misérables, namely "One Day More" and "Do You Hear The People Sing" to represent the revolutionary spirit felt in the air, (which led me down the rabbit hole of other YouTube songs from the musical, Les Misérables, mostly that of the character, Eponine.  

For those of you who don't know the story of Les Misérables, which originated as a book by Victor Hugo, then began a world renowned musical theatrical piece, and in recent years has been made into both musical and non musical movies, well, I'll give you the Cliff's Notes version.  The story is set basically during the French Revolution, which already we can connect with in our current crazy political landscape (am I right?), follows the protagonist, Jean Val jean, from his youth running from the law as an ex-con, on the lam and hiding in plain sight, his raising Cosette, the daughter of his employee (Fantine, we shall discuss her later), then we delve into the variety of characters who become active in the fight for their freedom from oppression, in that list, we meet our beloved girl of the day, Eponine.

Eponine's parents, Monsieur and Madame Thenardier, are not much to speak of with pride.  Together they run a tavern and are scoundrels in every sense of the word, seeking their own gain in the lowest of fashions.  During the musical number, One Day More, these two can be heard proudly conniving how they will ravage the dead fallen soldiers for what precious goodies they may find, with no remorse.  For whatever reason, they produced offspring.  In the novel, the eldest is Eponine, followed by sister, Azelma, and little brother, Gavroche.  In the play and movie, Azelma is left out.  

So, with all this known factors, Eponine is tough, raised to fend for herself first.  She is often depicted wearing a cap, boyish clothes, dirty face, and stringy hair but underneath all of that runs a deep well of emotion that is passionate and a force for good.  In the quest for love and acceptance, Eponine sacrifices her own ego and desires for the betterment of others.  See, Eponine's tragic life has one devastating blow, she is in love with a man who does not reciprocate that love, her childhood friend, Marius.  Marius falls in love before Eponine's eyes to another, that of Cosette.  Yet, Eponine does not allow the pain of this to persuade her from helping Marius or that of others.  In the tragic spectrum of her life, Eponine's strongest asset and deciding factor is her undying, unrequited love for Marius, it is in what gives her hope, perseverance, the desire to see him find happiness above all else, and in the end, peace.

I believe many a women and girl of my age and younger find deep resonance with the story of Eponine, yet she is not the main character of Les Misérables, even so, her story being a side story should not and will not be cast aside.  Throughout the tragedy of her life, Eponine in her strength demands her life to have meaning.  Thus, I come to the crux of this article.  

In the next several weeks, I seek to take a deep dive into the lessons the women of Les Misérables can teach us, Eponine, Fantine, and Cosette, the cycles we go through in our quest for both wholeness and love.  I feel that Eponine is the first in our development.  Generally, I direct my focus on the female gender but perhaps those of other genders can resonate with these thoughts.

My parents' were gracious enough to take me to see Les Misérables a couple times in San Francisco when it was in its beginning reign in the nineties.  I had listened to the cd several times and Eponine's songs on repeat.  I looked forward to with such expectancy her story, her songs, her character arc, and connected so deeply with her.  This continued throughout my twenties and into my early thirties, when even then, after a heartbreak, I would, at times, find myself walking the street at night, singing her song, On My Own.

I wasn't and am not alone in this fascination and connection with Eponine.  At the plays I have attended, I have seen the actress playing Eponine get roaring applause after her featured number, "On My Own", from the audience members of young girls.  To this day, Hollywood and the music industry carries with it the strain of unrequited love as its universal theme, showcasing the reality that love is only valid if it is connected to suffering and heartbreak.  In my younger years of teenage and twenties, I look back with fondness at this connection.  One of my college best friend's, Jamie, and I would have regular girl's nights' which featured us having drinks, eating French fries, and discussing our boy issues, only to head back to our homes, playing "Don't Know Why on repeat. 

The story line and character of Eponine, the unrequited love-sick heroine, can be found in a myriad of Hollywood and contemporary pop culture, with the likes of Jewel, Norah Jones, Natalie Imbruglia, and Taylor Swift.  Raised on the fantasy of one true love from Disney movies and distraught over the reality of relationship, we find solidarity with our Eponine sisters in sharing our struggles with our romantic partners.  The theme behind Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc's romantic comedy, Nate & Laura & How They Met, was based on this quest for love in all its variety of struggle, loss, and healing.

Eponine was the hero of my youth, of so much of my romantic inclinations of the past, as well as many a female counterpart.  In our livelihoods as Eponines, we looked down with disdain at the simple hope of love of Cosette, with also jealousy that the story line of Eponine afforded.  Yet, I now realize that my time as Eponine afforded me the growth to eventually discover the importance of life as Cosette.  

Eponine's unrequited love and heartbreak affords us the understanding and connection with others that have thus experienced.  Furthermore, in not finding union with our beloved, we are forced to unite with the one closest to ourselves, our own selves and discover own inner strength.  In Eponine's journey, she was murdered by the opposing army, yet in that, she found healing dying in the arms of Marius, and was able to be released to an eternity of peace.  We do not need to die physically to find that healing and resolution.  For my own part, my struggles living the pathway of Eponine have led me to the strength that has developed into my ability in falling in love with myself.  In that love for myself, I find the ability to grow beyond the suffering, to overcome, and find peace within.

Therefore, the years of my life living as Eponine were vital in my overall development as a human being and would not trade any for the strength, the understanding of self and love of self developed.  In the suffering of loss and heartbreak, my own version of "A Little Fall Of Rain, in the agony of that, I realized that I could endure on my own, could love myself, persevere, and deepen my sense of self worth in the letting go that would ultimately lead me to my soul's truest love companion.

A Little Fall Of Rain

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow

Thoughts on what you read? How were your Eponine years? What have you learned? Comment below!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, In, a film and media company with the emphasis of raising soul awareness and sense of purpose for empowerment.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

And now, A Message From West Christy #westchristy #tellsitlikeitis

Happy New Era! #cosmicshift #election #2020

11/3 Gratitude

 Thank You by Led Zepelin

1.) Oregon, specifically Ashland, it's safe, still friendly, believes in people, beautifully serene

2.) My Beverly Hills, 90120 blanket.  It reflects to me a job well done, a constant reminder that I can accomplish and reach my intentions and will do so again.  I still have more battles to overcome, but still its a confidence booster.  It also reflects another way that I am increasingly showing self-confidence and belief in my worthiness for love in every aspect, regardless if love and respect is given by others or not.

3.) My physical health is stable, which is something to say in the view of Covid19 and other exreme physical ailments and health afflicts I know others are struggling with at present.

4.) Luke Perry and basically all my spirit guides, souls who had significance throughout my life and the messages received from each of them on Sunday's "Dia De Los Muertes" ceremony.

5.) Tansy's sweet, soft, luxurious fur, even between baths.  Her unique smell that is so earthy and wonderful to breathe in, her little nose that is always dirty, her piercing intense eyes that are so full of personality, emotion, mischief.  She is very original and intelligent.

6.) Cuddling Tansy on my chest, in my bathrobe and warm blanket, sparkling lights of the city far below, in the crisp dark night enfolding, a warm healthy cup of tea.

7.) Resting after two busy and successful days, with sleepy Tansy.

8.) Knowing the difference between success and fame, true victory is never external, but begins within. 

9.) The stability of assured love, it makes all the difference in the often emotional upheaval in the journey of life.

10.) The people I met today (yesterday) and the opportunities for financial gain and prosperity they will bring, as well as other ways of abundance.

11.) How my perspective has shifted in believing I can, I am worthy of success, prosperity, wealth, abundance, just by shifting the words I speak and what I tell myself about myself and my situation.

Got gratitude? Share below.  I will reply.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  We would love to help you find your thrive!

One Day More #election #2020 #onedaymore #revolution

11/2 Gratitude

 Morning Gratitude Affirmations

1.) Healthy food, like celery with peanut butter and raisins, aka "Ants on a log" and avocado---because they fuel me and not weigh me down

2.) Beverly Hills, 90210 because it makes me happy and fully me.

3.) Adam Sandler.  See Above For Reasons.  I have no shame in both loves.

4.) The fact that I can openly express my love for numbers 3 and 4, regardless of people's disdain, but can openly enjoy and be true to myself, is very uplifting, healing, and empowering. 

5.) My imagination and the ability I have always had to daydream and let that fuel my creative output

6.) Being an empath, though often draining, the ability to intuit the unseen feelings or emotional states of others, which affords me the uncanny ability to have correct knowledge of why, which is often not wanted

7.) Strong women role models that are mis-represented, devalued, even vilified, such as Shannen Doherty, Eva Peron, and Bettie Page!

8.) Realizing the gratitude in my time as Eponine, the lessons learned, strength of self developed, and how it has afforded me the peace of being comfortable in my own skin, so that finally I can embody all that is Cosette, accept who she is, see her value, without mockery or jealousy

On My Own

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

9.) Finding my brand, my niche, as an actor, writer, overall artist, letting that fuel my creativity and watching it unfold its own time

10.) The fact that I am a Brenda.  I am like Shannen Doherty.  Shannen Doherty is to Hollywood as I am to the Rogue Valley theatre and film world.  I own that and am 100 percent all right with that.

11.) My wonderful little mobile home, the first place where I feel I have deep roots into my life as a grown up.

Tag! You are it!!  Share your gratitude list below! I would love to hear it.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of helping artists of all variety discover their thrive.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

On My Own #eponine #loveisforever

Gratitude 11/1

 Thank You

1.) I am grateful that love has returned to my life, has arrived at last in all its purity of purpose, in full blossom and in a variety of abundance.

2.) My home, its beautiful serenity and sense of grounding I have felt absent from my heart and soul and physicality until now.

3.) My friends, the right ones, that have remained and are not fair weather, self-seeking, wolves in lamb's clothing---that are in every essence of the word, true family

4.) The frenemies and enemies, for the lesson they taught, strength they allowed me to develop, to let go of that which destroys or weighs me down, to choose true love, not that of conditions

5.) My health, my body and how good it feels to take care of it

6.) My life-long quest of the spiritual and gratitude for the myriad of ways I have sought along the journey.

7.) For Don & Pamela Dehart, with the precarious reality of rental costs and agreements, I feel grateful that I rent a beautiful, secure, stable property from such honorable, ethnical people

8.) Tansy, for she is the love of my life

9.) Bipolar, my PTSD, for the creativity it provides, inspires, the depth of emotion which affords me the ability to understand and truly empathize with others

10.) My ability to persevere and accomplish, to create and reach my goals, with integrity and intentionality

11.) For Will: past, present, for always. 

Always do it on my own
So I gotta get through it
And the only thing I know
Is to love what I'm doing
Never give up, never slow
'Til I finally prove it
Never listen to the no's
I just wanna keep moving
Yeah, I put out all this art
It's my only medicine, yeah

Grateful

So, what are you grateful for? List below!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of helping artists discover their thrive.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions