Why I'm Glad My Ex Abused Me!

Why am I glad my ex abused me? Before you get your panties in a bunch, pause a moment to let me explain.

He didn't start out as an asshole.  Chances are I wouldn't have stayed with him at all, let alone married him, if he had been, well, maybe I would have.

On the contrary, he was very sweet at first; a good listener, compassionate, and truly seemed to be the perfect guy, my true love.  Moreover, he was an old friend from my younger days.  Days of endless blue skies wiling the hours away at coffee shops, running amok through the town with him and the other boys as only young adults can.  A real life "Elaine Benes" I was indeed.  To this day, the taste of coffee on my tongue, not merely a physical addiction, but one that evokes an emotional recall.

He was, when all is said and one,  my first love.  He was intense, passionate, darkly intelligent, and dangerous in a way that I first found attractive.  But back then, I didn't know just how dark that danger would lead.

He was a suffering soul; he played that part well and I fell for it, coming to his rescue as only my Savior-Complex, Co-Dependent complex knew how.

He came back into my life, after a 6 year absence, and it was all I had been dreaming of, hoping for, praying for, during that separation.  At that time, he was the only man with whom I had ever been in love.  Our courtship was a whirl-wind passionate affair and our marriage was a fairy-tale experience! He was my tall, dark, and handsome prince come to woo me away from my lonely existence.  Away we went to live happily ever after...

As we began our lives together, he quickly started spiraling downward, which at first I persuaded myself wasn't happening.  I wanted to believe that his delusions and conspiracy theories were somehow true, when they failed to be, I found it increasingly difficult to smile and pretend everything was all right.  His distrust and emotional violence towards me began escalating rapidly from that point forward.  What once was a dream became more and more a nightmare!

I was constantly praying for deliverance, strength, protection; calling friends and family in tears, lost in confusion and fear.

The night before Oscar Sunday 2013, I found myself in driveway of a friends' house with another friend, bemoaning to him all my trials and tribulations once again.  He astutely pointed out that my entire life I had been a victim of some form of abuse.  This was oddly comforting and inspiring.

The next day I gave the performance which, if filmed, should have awarded me the Academy; I tearfully kicked the love of my life out and lived to tell the story.

Thus began my new life.  As I began to pick up the pieces, with the help of the love and laughter of some new friends and old, I grew stronger and my life began to expand exponentially.  My dreams and passions became a real life pursuit, the only thing that mattered.

As my friend had pointed out that fateful night, I began to look back on my life at the other forms of abuse I had once experienced and was finally able to release my anger and denial.  I learned about the kind of child abuse I had incurred, the youthful abuse from my class-mates in middle school, discovered a name for the turmoil I'd experienced at Calvary, spiritual abuse, and lastly realized the violence I had inflicted upon myself as a result.  As I said, this didn't spur on more anger but came as a sort of release.

I was able to finally forgive and heal, not just the wounds of others but those of myself as well.  I chose no longer to allow negativity, abuse, and control from others and to follow my own path as per my destiny.   I was able, then, to offer love to all, both friend and foe, and also myself.  I was finally free to be me, to accept myself fully, to see beauty in every part of myself, faults notwithstanding.  I was able to see the reasons for the years of suffering, to see how it connected to my true path.

"I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through", as Madonna croons, "I became shiny and new."

I found my way out.  I found freedom.  At Last.

Like A Virgin

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."

"Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you strove with God and with men, and prevailed."--Genesis 32:28-29

I recently watched a video on facebook of a young man transitioned from a woman speak about his transformation and noting that the girl he was would never have the life she had thought was hers to have.  It made me think of my own transformation over this past year.

When people that knew me before the change ask me why I changed my name, as if it was merely a few letters that changed and not a whole sense of self, I tell them this:

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."

That seems to appease a few, others that have known me for years still truly can't comprehend, its those I give a pass.  Even when I explain to them that the Julia they knew was different than the Julia I felt inside, the former one more positive and the latter one more negative, still they can't truly understand and I am beginning to realize that is okay.  Because, ultimately the positive aspect they saw of me then was merely a small part of who I really am and allowing myself to fully become.  They saw that gem inside then and, in a very real sense, helped me to become who I was meant to be, even then, without my knowing it or wanting to admit it, to myself mostly.

Truly, I feel very akin to the transgender community, the idea of changing one's identity,  reinvention of self, based on who you really are on the inside, releasing yourself from the bondage of your past.  For me the girl, Julia, trapped in a world of oppression, of shoulds and should nots, the life of people-pleasing, codependencies, jealousies, competition, all that is released.

As Leah of the Bible, Jacob's first wife, gave birth to three male children with the dearest of hopes with each that at last her husband would love her before she finally surrendered to the realization that he would not and with Judah concluded that it was not man's love to endlessly seek out, and be ultimately denied, but the love of the divine, where true satisfaction and peace are found, so to, myself becoming Lia, I can rest in the knowledge in that love as well.

I need not fear the fact that I will pick up the mantle of jealousy, for example, nor do I have shame in that, as I realize I am still 'human' after all, and, in that, I find forgiveness of self for my weaknesses, in the past, present, and future.  Furthermore, in that forgiveness, I cannot allow those momentary afflictions of conscience to overpower me but can trust in the healing process, the life-long journey of recovery to truly become 'Lia'.

Truly, I am the 'Lia', or Leah, that realizes there is no need to endlessly secure the love of man, or the acceptance of people, or hope for that alone, but trust and be thankful for the blessings already given and will be given from the divine.

Ultimately, I am thankful for the love that is faithful, pure, and true always offering acceptance for who I really am, with open arms.

So, the Julia that was and that still is apart of me (and always will be) shall never have the life that she thought was hers to have, but through the sacrifice of what could have been, Lia will achieve all that is meant for her, her destiny, her dreams, of being the 'famous actress'.

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."