Unbreakable "Calvary Refugee"

This is why I absolutely love the new Netflix series, "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt", it speaks to me directly.  When I first saw the little blurb about it, a young girl escapes from a cult, I was intrigued because that's my own story...and then it made me laugh very very hard.  And, I learned once again that our own personal tragedy can be funny and in that laughter we can find healing.  Well, I did.  I found commonality.

Unlike Kimmy, I wasn't trapped underground, yet psychologically I was, trapped.  Fed a bunch of lies about the world, held back from forming my own opinions and shaping my own identity, from continuing to shape deep meaningful relationships with those on the outside,  my family and long-time friends.  In a very real sense, I lost a lot of time.  But now, I'm gaining it back.

Starting Over Again

Why did I allow myself to do this willingly? It seemed like a lot of fun, at first.  But then it slowly began to be not so fun.  It became restrictive and at best judgmental.  In a place where I thought I had family, I felt more alone and isolated, frightened really, than I ever thought possible.  The only thing to do then was to run as far away as possible, into the great big scary world.

And, then my eyes were opened, once again.  The scales, as it were, fell away.  And, what I saw truly surprised me.  The world was no longer scary, was not really coming to an end full of depravity and grotesque sin.  People were still really good at heart, full of love and acceptance.  Friends that I hadn't really been there for were still there for me, happy to take me in again with open arms.  I found myself over and over again; I found family, I found love.

Like Kimmy, I look up at the world daily with great big eyes of wonderment.  It really is a beautiful, awe-inspiring place with so much to see and do.  For so long locked away, I now gaze outwards, all around me, with such fascination and joy.

In truth, I'm in a better place now, one that I never thought could ever be again.  I'm happy, I'm full of joy and peace, and honestly, I am unbreakable.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Theme Song

And, I'm free.

Free At Last!

I'd like to dedicate this entry to my fellow "Calvary Refugees", David Templeton and Jessica Heald with so much gratitude for sharing their stories of recovery and healing.  I also extend my gratitude towards my fellow cult survivors, Richard Royce and David Demoss, may they continue to find healing and renewal in their journeys.

How I Got Free!

In a recent blog, I finally came out about my past experiences with a cult-experience, that of my time as a "member" of different Calvary Chapels.  I spoke of both the enjoyable experiences and also those not so enjoyable, those that helped me finally realize what CC had become, in short a cult.

I won't go into detail about how I discovered Calvary to be a cult, that story can be found under an entry under "My Story, My Words, At Last", but more importantly, I want to share my story of healing for those who have recently left Calvary or any other cult.  I know how painful those early steps away can be, not wanting to believe that something that seemed so good can actually be so destructive.  Actually, it took about four years after leaving Calvary, to finally find peace and healing from the disastrous effect, to finally let my mind be cleansed from the mind-control.

Looking back, my recovery seemed to parallel from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, although during the height of my withdrawal period, I did not see it this way.  I only knew at the time that I was struggling to find answers to what I went through, to feel not so alone, and to discover some form of closure to that part of my life.

To start with, I believe I went through these steps either all at once or went back and forth through them as I struggled to find healing.  The first step is denial and isolation.  Both in the final days of life at Calvary and the immediate days afterward, I did not want to believe what my heart, my soul, my God was revealing to me.  I wanted to keep Calvary in that warm, fuzzy place it had been in the early days...didn't want to see the truth that was revealed to me as I got deeper and deeper into the organization.  Then, as the days and years passed, came anger, anger at the time lost while belonging (or not really belonging but trying to), anger at the corruption and mind control, anger at my friends still involved, and then anger at how these same friends are still involved and my wanting to help them find freedom.

With the step of bargaining, I do not see how that fits in with my recovery other than with trying to convince my Calvary Chapelite friends to break free themselves, which in part, led to my depression and heartbreak of losing said friends.  But also there was a mourning, a loss of childhood as it were, a time in my life, as I have said, that seemed good, even beautiful, that turned into a nightmare, of sorts.

Finally, true freedom and healing came not in revenge as I had thought during the times I fell back into the anger phase, but in acceptance of what was and is, and then forgiveness for all of it.  This came through two unique sources, a woman pastor at a church I attended who spoke of her time in a fundamentalist based church and a former room-mate.  This pastor spoke about how, in the end, she sees the time spent in that church as beneficial because it taught her another view of God.  The room-mate, when I was mentioning how much I wanted to "save my friends from being saved", quietly told me not to worry because all people have their paths.

In those two beautiful women, I found the pathway to healing, acceptance, and forgiveness which led, at once, to freedom.  I now hold no regrets or anger towards my time at Calvary, or hold any ill-will to the pastors or the members, for they are human beings, flawed as we all are and as mentioned earlier, they have their paths to follow as we all do.  In that freedom, I can finally now offer love and support to those still involved, in a true non-judgmental way, as well as to those in the process of breaking free.  I believe, wholeheartedly now, that love is the answer and the divine source that binds us all, heals us all, and brings true connection for us all.

I hope this entry helps bring healing and understanding, enlightenment to your own path towards freedom, gentle reader.  Below, I have attached links to several other ex-Calvary members who have written about their process to healing.  Furthermore, I know there are many who feel the need to bring about retribution for the abuse done by Calvary, I can only say I stand behind their efforts completely, though that is not my destiny.  My desire is to love, help heal, and stand beside those others who have broken free, in any possible way.

Break Away

A beautifully written blog by a fellow ex-Calvary member.  I have been inspired by how gracious she writes of her past experience but with truthful insight and integrity.
http://www.elizabethesther.com/2011/01/why-we-left-calvary-chapel-costa-mesa.html

A dear friend's account of his revelations as a CC member and how he broke free.
http://www.metroactive.com/papers/sonoma/04.02.98/calvary-9813.html